14 candles
in your cake,
A hundred more
within your eyes,
I was there
in the red threads,
Hugging your wrist
for dear life

Taehyung was in sixth grade, when he had to sorrowfully part his hometown Daegu, to move to Busan. To move to Busan international. To move closer to Jeongguk. Precisely, why he believed in destiny.

He remembers, four years ago, being late to school on the day of Jeongguk's birthday and getting punished by Mr. Bong to stand facing the wall throughout the chemistry lecture. It was to strike the broken punctuality alarm in his head, as the other had quoted.

But a 14 year old Taehyung wasn't aware of such an alarm, let alone know how to strike it. So he faced the wall, hands clasped to his back, certain of some other alarm going off within his chest. Thrumming at his ears, but careful not to be louder than Jeongguk's chuckles wafting throughout the class. He had presumed, back then, that it was a newer alarm Mr. Bong had forgot to mention.

And 4 years ago, little Taehyung, new to the way the other drew him in, was tempted to take a sly peek at the way Jeongguk's mole disappeared behind his lips. So turning around with a big smile, bothering not to know what was so funny on the blank wall before him, he did. Something about the set of 32 carved enamels ringing alarms in his heart, that he was sure Mr.Bong had certainly forgot to explain.

It was later around break, when he overheard a conversation that he realised it was Jeongguk's birthday. So he skipped on his snack bars, tripping around the corridors, to the art room. A red thread, few beads and his heart, taehyung tied them all together in a bracelet. Leaving it by Jeongguk's locker with a sticky note that said -"Red suites ya"

He had almost cried, when he noticed the other wear it around after the break. Wear it around as he cut the cake, wear it around as he played football, wear it around always, like Taehyung wore him around in his heart. Even when that treacherous organ always rung alarms around the other boy.

But 'always' for Jeongguk was much lesser than he wished it was. So a month later when he found the bracelet, stripped off it's beads, lying by the second floor corridor, it hurt. Hurt that even as a bracelet and not a misfit, he could only hold Jeongguk's wrist for just a month.

And probably that was the first time he lied to himself. Maybe it was the bracelet's fault for being too weak for just a few beads and Taehyung's heart.

15 candles
You blew away,
but compromised
With that smile
I was there
Just a few seats away
in the chocolates
You left for wine

Around seventh grade, Jeongguk wasn't just any summer rain in his heart. Already making it monsoon for him there, when his heart wasn't yet done ringing alarms.

The Jeongguk effect, as he loved to call it.

But this time, as much as his calendars and piggy bank were ready, taehyung wasn't. Even as he hugged the box of expensive chocolates by his chest, hair oiled, specs changed and sweater relatively newer. He just knew he wasn't.

But that was until Jeongguk smiled against 15 candles before he blew at them. A single sweet smile taming down his heart and it's ringing alarms and heavy love rains. Taehyung believed the night couldn't get more sweeter.

And it didn't.

Already sour by the time Taehyung had waited hours for the boy who vanished with the flames of his birthday cake candles. But he believed in the sweet smile, even if it was a couple of hours ago and his heart was already ringing wrong alarms.

He still cradled the chocolate box in arms trying to convince himself despite knowing the night had already turned salty. Maybe a little longer and he would probably taste it too, on his tears. But almost an hour more later, one of Jeongguk's caretakers sadly smiled at him and said, "he already left with other people from the back door. Big bottles in hands" The night rather tasted bitter.

Maybe the stars just refused to align for someone like him twice. A nobody, after all.

So he smoothed a smile to that lady, tore away the sticky note, handed over the chocolate box to her and left with the smile still stuck to his lips. Afraid if it wavered, then his heart, like it just stopped ringing alarms might run dry or return to it's cold winter.

And that night, maybe not his second, he made up another lie. Making sure Jeongguk's smile looked sweet on his sketchpad when he shyly hands over the box of chocolates, with a sticky note that read- "because you like chocolates, the expensive ones"

16 candles
messily dug in your cake
Mole under your lips
vanishing under hers
I was there
In the diary
Torn and wet
Lying among the campus roses

Eighth grade and Taehyung decided he had to quit Jeongguk.

Quit Jeongguk because he had already completed two sketchbook full of lies he never lived. Quit Jeongguk because he now wanted to not just admire the other from afar, but also taste his lips. Quit Jeongguk because Jeongguk was blinding each of his senses and Taehyung.....he was letting him.

So he now began walking round the campus, knowing all the hallways Jeongguk usually hung around with his friends. He deserted the cafeteria hall to settle for a lonely bench by the school garden. He had even went as far as locking up all his sketchbooks, swearing never to look Jeongguk's way.

But he hurt. From bully. From loneliness. From insomnia. From Jeongguk's absence. So a week later, he was back to hurting because of Jeongguk instead of the other's absence. It was Jeongguk, after all.

Taehyung realised he was gay. And scared. All until Jeongguk smiled-mole disappearing, lips curling, bunny tooth peeking, eyes crinkling- and Taehyung wasn't gay or scared anymore, he was just all Jeongguk's. If he already wasn't the other's enough.

But since Jeongguk wasn't his and he craved him morning, noon and night, he decided he'd confess the other, this birthday. Grand, simple, easy, difficult, cheap, expensive, Taehyung left no alternative missed. And finally after a month, a diary of hundred confessions ready in hand, favorite red cardigan on, specs double cleaned and freckles covered, he decided he'd let Jeongguk choose.

So, on his birthday, when Jeongguk won the football championship, cut the cake soon after and got kissed by jihyo, all while he was still wiping his sweaty hands on his sweater, it hurt. As much as it hurt without Jeongguk. The diary was then, long forgotten.

It was the next day, dragging himself against his heart to school, he found the diary again. Torn, ribbon ripped off and pages soaked, stuck between the campus rose thorns. Like him, stuck to Jeongguk.

17 candles
nobody lit that day
busy at the frat house
partying away
I was there
in the earrings you never wore
Probably still
by the kitchen counter
With a sticky note

Three years of Jeongguk, from when he met him by the campus corridors to now completing almost all his assignments. Three years of Jeongguk, his hurt, his winks, his sweet words. Three years of just Jeongguk everywhere and yet Taehyung was insatiable with just a part of him in ink and paper. Poems and sketches. Diaries and unconfessed letters.

And though the part of Jeongguk, even in mere words and scribbles felt closer, Taehyung knew he could never be satisfied just with a part of the other. Not when he was insatiable for Jeongguk.

Busan, when he moved in, was frightening. And it really was, until Taehyung became frightening to himself too. Frightening because he could now easily fake a smile or two and nod through the Sunday future talks with his father. Carelessly throw a lie or two to make up for his salon appointments. Take up a part time job at a library all just for himself. And all the while write about 50% of school assignments and earn from them.

But busan is still frightening, if without Jeongguk.

So this time for the other's birthday, he believed his stars had realigned, when Park jimin (one of his regulars) offered to take him to Jeongguk's birthday party for his pay. The other was broke, or so he claimed.

And unlike the previous times, Taehyung didn't put much effort into his sweater, as much as he did for the other's present. Didn't sweat much on changing his specs as much as he made sure each curve of the metal wire was meticulous. He didn't bother to conceal the dark rings around his eyes, as much as he did for the little T curve in the earring.

After all, he wasn't here for a chance. Only to test, if his stars had entirely deserted him, or he could still dangle, looped around the Jeongguk's ears.

Amongst the sweaty bodies, drunken blabbers, tipsy smiles and obnoxious red cups, the boy wasn't hard to be spotted. Beside a girl, with a cup of his own, and a flirtatious grin plastered to his lips. Taehyung waited, capturing every wrinkle around his eyes to every time he threw his head back in laughter. And by the time Jeongguk left with the girl, leaving a butterfly garden in his stomach, he had squeezed himself into the less crowded kitchen.

Finally finding a safe counter by the wall, near the microwave oven, he pressed at the sticky note edges on the box. Smiling to himself.

But a month flew, and a month more flew by, and yet Jeongguk never once showed up with the earrings he left for the other by his kitchen counter. Maybe the stars had really deserted him or they weren't his at all to begin with.

The sticky note, unaware, declaring-

"to my star, north pole"

18 candles,
you'll be an adult
before I am
You're already far
But I'll make it somehow
Carved as your name
In wooden
So stay
Wherever you're
Even if it's just
one more moment

Taehyung blew at the wooden shreds, biting back a smile when he mentally orated the result. "Jeongguk," He finally let it slip past his lips, loving how it rolled off his tongue, brushed at the back of his teeth and finally left his mouth like a feast. Like it always did.

"Kim," He swiftly got out of his seat, eyes landing on his distressed professor. "Am sure you can lend me a hand" Taehyung didn't miss a beat to nod, securing the pencil in his pouch, and deserting his seat to help her out. He took as many books as he could from her hand, walking after, despite hardly anything being visible through the heap of books in his.

He bumped into the wall twice, almost tripping on his way up the stairs and by the time staffroom arrived, Taehyung was sure he had lost sense of his lungs. Luckily he hadn't, so he just waved off her thank you and left with a polite grin and smile.

On his way back, he quietly tried murmuring the other's name. Unable to get enough of the way it sat on his tongue and left like honey, with a sweet aftertaste. "Jeongguk," He liked it.

He had almost walked past his classroom when a sharp thud drew him out of his reverie. Taehyung picked the object from beside his shoe, scanning it around, until a familiar-very familiar-carving caught his eyes. Making a lump catch his throat. Something scorching hot bubble up his irises. And all the air he just retrieved, leave his chest.

"Jeon," The rest was broken, probably lying somewhere he would never know. He trailed his sight back to the classroom, desperate to find the source. But when it landed on a crowded bench, which he knew belonged to Jeongguk's, a pencil flying past it to land near the trash can as he did-a series of 'oohs' following soon after- Taehyung felt empty.

Hot. Fierce. Angry. Sad. His tears still behind his eyes, felt nothing akin to any of these, but just merely empty. Empty like his lips without Jeongguk's name. Empty like his heart without hurt. Empty, like without Jeongguk.

But he foolishly hoped. Hoped it wasn't the other who sent all his efforts flying to land near his feet instead of it's aimed destination-as the 'yays' and 'oohs' confirmed- the trash bin. He still hoped, trudging towards his bench, as slow as he could, so he could hope on a tad little longer. Hope on, even as another pencil flew past the crowd to land right into the trash can. He still hoped on until another one of the pencils, probably pen this time, hit his forehead. He didn't flinch, not until, the crowd cleared away to reveal Jeongguk, grinning almost apologetically.

Taehyung had to hold the nearest bench.

His sockets burnt, probably from empty tears. Heart aching, probably from too much hurt and yet he smiled, atleast tried to, shaking his head to say he was alright.

And Taehyung was quite convinced himself too, when Jeongguk, the birthday boy, giggled before getting back to shoot pencils and pens into trash bin. He was almost convinced, that he was alright. Everything was alright. Nothing ached, and that he was just as full as before, until a familiar-too familiar- red cover caught his attention. Near Jeongguk's feet.

Sadly his heart didn't have a bench to hold, going limp on it's beat.

Taehyung rushed up the stairs, fell to his knees beside the other's feet, and picked up the book from where it lied under Jeongguk's timberlands. And though his hands shook uncontrollably, he dusted the book and clutched it against his chest. Pushing back his tears, against moist lashes.

His peripheral vision warned him of Jeongguk's wary stare, maybe other's too, but he could't focus. His heart churned within his chest, and he hugged the book closer hoping it would ache any less. But Taehyung- maybe because pain liked him or he liked it more- only hurt harder.

He lifted his head, blinking back tears, to be met with Jeongguk again. And even as Jeongguk's stare pierced through his skull, heart, soul-everywhere, taehyung couldn't hold himself back from tracing the entire milky way in there. Even when his heart hurt because of Jeongguk. Even when the pain refused to subside, because it was Jeongguk. Even when Jeongguk hurt and hurt until Taehyung wasn't new to any pain anymore. He couldn't help but still want to pluck stars from the other's big galactic pools.

"Umm....you alright?" Taehyung blinked and a tear betrayed him, falling onto his lap. It was Jeongguk who asked, and his lungs squeezed out the rest of it's air, if at all it had anything left. He nodded, clutching the book tighter and getting up on his feet.

"You sure?" The other prodded, and he nodded again, ready to flee. Flee from everything. From everyone. Including Jeongguk.

So he did, once he decided he could trust his knees. He hadn't gone further than two steps, when an audible sound of fabric tearing in the silence of the room halted his march. His cardigan pulling him backwards when he didn't.

His specs left the bridge of his nose and his hand flew to wrap around the nearest support. When he heard Jeongguk groaning, Taehyung flinched, drawing his hand back. His other arm still clutching the book tight against his chest. He bent down, trying to pick his specs from where it fell, miserably failing to do so from his vision being a blurry mess.

But something heavy clung to his other arm as he pulled it forward to scrabble the floor for his glasses. The sound of fabric tearing follow suite in sporadic intervals. He pretended to ignore both, wetting his suddenly dry lips, to grope around the granite tiles.

The unnerving silence clawed at his ear drums, and his arm grew heavier the more he pulled against it's weight. Nobody lent a hand, and he dared not to look at Jeongguk's silhouette (since that's how much his hypermyopic eyes without aid would allow) for one. After aimlessly dragging his hand against empty granite, his glasses finally found home in his palm that he didn't miss a beat to arrange against his nose. The moment he did, Jeongguk's jacket came into his vision, and he withdrew his arm. His cardigan drawing the other's arm stuck to it, forward.

By the time it all sunk in and he realised it was his cardigan hopelessly clinging to Jeongguk's jacket zipper, Taehyung pushed the book from his arm to settle on his lap and wordlessly got to the task at hand. The more he tried, the more he failed, and taehyung almost wanted to scream at his deserted stars for paying him their indifference right when he needed help.Help that even Jeongguk refused, despite it being just an arm length away.

Tears collected his eyes, and he chanted a series of apologies to the other. The woollen thread seemed to have wound itself around the other's zipper amidst all this push and pull, and the more he tugged at it, it only got harder to unwound. It was harder to focus with tears in his eyes, so he blinked them back, irises burning.

The silence amplified to hushed whispers. Mostly inaudible or maybe it was just his lost focus.

Finally after a number of pathetic tries and helpless sorrys, he relieved Jeongguk's zipper from his cardigan. And maybe he shouldn't have looked up, just quietly walking to his desk. But, since he was unhealthily greedy for the other, he did.

Taehyung had never been the one to look up at stars and dream. The only stars that made him to, were the ones in Jeongguk's eyes. Jeongguk filled up every empty space that Taehyung left, like his heart. So when he looked up to the other's eyes, filled with something akin to.....annoyance, Taehyung felt emptier. So empty that his hands, probably trembling, began to itch. Itch to hold someone, something to fill in the clawing emptiness in them.

Someone like jeongguk. Something like his hands.

But he knew of the other's wary glare even when he wasn't looking his way. So Taehyung just took the book on his lap and clutched it against his chest, like it were Jeongguk. And it was, but in ink and words. In doodles and curves. In lines and spaces. In Taehyung's head.

The red book that held all of the red that suited Jeongguk.

Just to get stomped over. Torn. And thrown away. Like it wasn't the Jeongguk who smiled to him when he got the chocolate box he gifted. Like it wasn't the Jeongguk who just wouldn't remove the the earrings he gifted. Like there wasn't a Jeongguk even in ink and words to do that. Like there wasn't a Jeongguk who thought Taehyung deserved that.

The classroom lost it's silence, hushed whispers now back to being loud chants.

Jeongguk didn't feel a seat away, not even a sketch away. He felt light years away- bright, pretty and almost celestial- but far into the space. Space that wasn't Taehyung's or empty. Space that wouldn't be Taehyung's or full. With Jeongguk.

He pushed back his tears, ignoring the ones that fell onto his lap, and got up, knees wobbly on their stance. But he didn't let that halt him, arranging his glasses, tightening his hold around the book and dragging himself to his desk. Just one more away from Jeongguk's.

Once he took his seat, he opened the book, fingertips brushing against the pages. Many torn off at the edges and the others folded or crushed.

But a messily scribbled phrase in one of them caught his eyes and a tear soaked it right after-

"After all, it's jeongguk"

------

A/n:

The chapter is basically a timeline of all birthdays of Jeongguk until 18 (right now in the book)
Hope it was worth the read :)

Am sorry am being a bitch with the REgUlaR UpdAtEs thing I promised but...
I think my assignments are trying to build a grave for me :/

So ilysm bye bye 🥺