When Taehyung first met jeongguk in the corridors of Busan international, laughter like the chime of bells and smile worthy a museum display auction, he realised he had a thing for men.

Men with starry eyes, soft raven night locks and a grin bright enough to light up an entire 1960s ball room.

He still remembers when he first met him, it was his third day in busan international. He was awfully lost and desperately in need of help, when he heard the heart tingling chuckles of jeongguk.

Taehyung fell for Jeongguk like raindrops. One for his dangling earrings. Another for his boopable nose. Another drop for his rich pink lips. Another for his pair of peeking tooth. One more for his round cheeks. Then one for big eyes like doe. One other for the hiding mole under his lips. One more for his cologne.

Back then, drop after drop, it was just a drizzle. And Taehyung was naive enough to think, it would too wash away to the usual drought or cold. Well, because that was the way his heart worked, or atleast until he met Jeongguk. But the more he saw him, the more he fell. And the more he fell, it wasn't just a mere drizzle in his heart anymore.

It is now a heavy downpour.

It still rains cats and dogs in his heart, just because Jeongguk shares the same air as him at school. And his sketchpad had enough stock for when he was at home, and already missed marvelling at Jeongguk.

The latter was almost like a star, and Taehyung preferred calling him the North pole. Because you just can't miss that star in the sky; moon or not.

Jeongguk was like that to Taehyung.

He remembers, in eight grade waking up in cold sweat, having dreamt of a heated make out with Jeongguk. A morning wood, painful and just as hopeless as him. What he thought to be mild admiration, he then realised, was something so much more. The night went by with google, wikipedia and gay rights. And all that could sink in was-

Taehyung was gay. And really scared.

He knew he was fucked because it wouldn't take a genius to know that, when your own uncle was disowned by the family, since he loved another man. Taehyung didn't make opinions on it back then, because he didn't know. Now he couldn't make any, even if he did.

Ignorance was bliss. And now that he couldn't have it back, he wondered what he was more afraid of- the curse of the knowledge or the one of missing the bliss.

The next morning he realised, both. Because he couldn't meet his father's eyes without shrinking under guilt or admire Jeongguk from afar (like always) without thinking how soft his lips were in his dream. An year full of misery and eighth grade went by like this, confused and in guilt.

Insomnia, naturally followed. And he sneaked in a few sleeping pills from mom's closet but they had him too late for school.  So he unlocked the closet, dusted his sketch pad and gave life to the stories he spun in his heart. Him, Jeongguk and their two puppies with a never to happen happily ever after.

Maybe a few sneaky sketches of his side profile in the cafeteria during break. Sometimes, an angry and sweaty Jeongguk on the football ground shouting at his playmates. Sometimes, sneaky kisses in the janitor closet. And some other times, it's just them, their little puppies and all that his wild imagination could conjure.

Jeongguk was his addiction. And Taehyung let himself be poisoned, if it was him.

Because at the end of the day he was just a boy, trapped in a body that couldn't give him all that he wanted. Including Jeongguk.

But he couldn't give up. And it has been almost 4 years of running. Running from reality, from truths, from things he hid, from things he didn't. Everything was just a mere inch away from crashing on him.

Crashing on him when their teacher announces Jeongguk to take a seat beside him. Crashing on him when she asks them to interact and work on the subject together. Crashing on him when Jeongguk audibly curses before sulkily taking a seat beside him. Crashing on him when their arms brush and Jeongguk glares at him.

It was all crashing, but he felt like he was on a free fall. And Jeongguk was the only gravity acting on him.

But here, it wasnt any newtonian physics. It was just him and Jeongguk. Just them. Jeongguk was his North Pole, and Taehyung didn't need to be the south, to be pulled towards him.

His cheeks climbed up the scale of normal body temperature and his heart flooded. But all Taehyung did was-

"I can help you with anything you find difficult," He didn't stutter before the other. He couldn't when Jeongguk was his habit. His addiction. "Just ask "

Jeongguk seemed to be contemplating. And Taehyung did too, to entitle the other the best adjective from english vocabulary.

Beautiful. Handsome. Pretty. Charming. Fetching. Arresting. Bewitching. Stunning. Striking. Ravishing. Enthralling. Beauteous. Ethereal. Gorgeous. Alluring. Enchanting. Pulchritudinous.

But jeongguk outwitted the entire dictionary. Taehyung didn't include 'hot' because that's not all Jeongguk was. He was—

"Hold on, you're the one who wrote one of my assignments," He took a pause, probably to think, "last week, right? "

He nodded. And foolishly hoped, that this time, the other would remember his name.

"Yeah," Jeongguk nodded to himself, earrings dangling with his locks, " So how much for this?" He held the paper their teacher had just distributed, and Taehyung's heart sank.

He glanced between the paper, and the other's face. He looked as beautiful as ever, and taehyung's heart pulsed at his ears. He took the assignment paper, and waited.

Maybe he would remember

"No need to pay," Taehyung shook his head, and Jeongguk only repeated his reaction. His eyes went wide, galaxies within broadening, and he repeated the same words for the seventh time now, "really?"

It was almost as if, when it came to Jeongguk, time fell into a loop. He would ask Taehyung to complete a random assignment. And Taehyung will, without a thought agree. Next, Jeongguk will obediently ask his pay and when Taehyung waves it off, go 'really?' to which Taehyung will-

"Yeah, you can collect it by tomorrow morning," He could see his smile deepen at the edges. As beautiful as ever. "At the library"

It was a mundane loop of the same exchange for the seventh time now but the butterflies in his stomach didn't know that.

"You're the best... umm taemin, right? " He scratched at his neck, awkward. Taehyung smiled ignoring the way his hopes shattered to correct, "Taehyung "

It was okay. He will probably have an eighth time. An eighth loop.
_

That night, he was by his bed. 3 am. Wide awake. And addicted to Jeongguk. He always was, but more on sleepless nights.

It almost hurt because Jeongguk cured all that he hurt and hurt all that he cured. He could forget his name again and again and Taehyung would still be awake at 3, drawing the loops around his ears.

There just wasn't a thing about Jeongguk that taehyung could hate even if he tried. Believe him when he says he tried, because he did, late into high school.
Desperately walking around the campus instead of the shorter hallway, where Jeongguk always hung around with the other guys. Staying away from the cafeteria for a few days. And going as far as keeping away his sketchpad.

Taming his heart for the good, just for it all to go bad. So bad.

It was nothing but a week full of insomnia, nightmares, bully and loneliness. It hurt without Jeongguk. Just as much as it did with him.

Until one of those nights of the week, he was desperately digging through his closet, red eyes leaking, finding back his sketchpad, and tracing the other's features on them. And it felt like he breathed, for the first time, since long.

But Jeongguk, he didn't need to know. Because North poles only show you the way, they don't walk you along.

And Taehyung knew this, because he was trying to drag Jeongguk with him. In books, sketches, poetry, name it.

He could hear the knock at his door, incessant, urgent and impatient and Taehyung just wanted to hide behind his closet than face her right now. It was 3 and all that he wanted was Jeongguk.

But the knocks became progressively louder to ignore, so sighing, as slowly as he could he unlocked the door. And soon as he did, he was shoved back into the room, his sister shutting it the moment she entered in.

"Don't you know I don't have time for you?" She gritted, nose flaring. She switched on the lights, to his absolute dislike. He blinked.

"What do you want, Taeyeon? " He sighed, arranging his glasses. He knew what she did, but stalled regardless.

"Hand me over a hundred bucks, " She chirped, making herself home on his bed. He just wanted to sleep peacefully, even if it was just for an hour or two. "And I'll be on my way"

"No," He didn't hesitate. It was his hours and hours at the library, scribbling assignment after assignment. All his blood, sweat and tears.

"You know, little brother?" She grabbed his sketchpad from where it lay on the bed, before he could. And skipping through the pages, continued, "Mom and dad think of you like you're their good little pet dog... And I would love to break it to them, that you're not being loyal here," She waved a sketch of him and jeongguk making out before him, "Should I? "

"Taey-"

"How many assignments today? " She scoured through the room and landing on the completed bunch of assignments, smiled, "Woah.. think a hundred bucks is a little too less, huh? Add a...umm...twenty more bonus for keeping your pathetic little secrets"

"Taeyeon, please, " He was tired, and desperate. After all, it was all he had. His money and pathetic little secrets.

"Hurry up, Taehyung," She threw the sketch pad aside and he hurried up to cradle it in his arms, "I don't have all the time in the world "

He dragged himself to his closet, as slow as he could. And when the stash of cash stared back, he just wanted to laugh. Laugh, because now he doubts if he has anymore tears left.

She snatched it from him before he could give her, and sliding it into her glossy purse, waved at him, "Good bye, baby bro-" She paused on her steps, inching towards the metal catching light from the tubelight above. "Why? It's so pretty!Thank you! " She removed her earrings to replace them with the ones she found on his working desk.

"Taeyeon no, it's for my-"

"Did I tell you I have promised a pair for somi? "

"They're for my-"

"I receive the pay, as usual," She sighed, admiring herself in the mirror. "Beautiful! " She murmured to herself, loud enough for him to hear.

"But taeyeo-"

"Kim taehyung," Her heels screeched the floor, and he backed away, "think you keep forgetting that you're just a single word of mine away for mom and dad to desert you. Trust me, it's easier than you believe it is"

He looked away, to his sketch pad. To jeongguk. Lied a little more to himself. And everything was okay, like it always was.

"Now you better hand me over somi's collection," She held a demanding hand before him, "I shall check if they're not prettier than mine, after all, there can only be one queen"

He wordlessly handed it over to her.

"These earrings.....hmm....passable," She dragged her fingers over the metal, " The necklace is fine...... But the ring, the ring can't be this pretty! " She replaced it with her's and sighed, content, "Now that's more like it! "

"Taeyeon, don't tell mom-"

"Then keep a hundred more ready, " She chirped before stuffing the jewellery box in her purse and merrily waving at him him, shutting the door.

He collapsed on the floor. Shifted through the pages of his sketchpad. Landed on one with Jeongguk's smile. But it was blurry, everything was.

He was crying. Again. Guess his tears haven't dried up.

He hugged the sketchpad close to his chest, wiping his tears before they could fall on it. At this point, it was all too much of a mess to point a solid finger to what he was crying for.

Maybe it was because, Taehyung was gay and scared.

Or because, it was all he was.

Or because, he didn't want to be either.

But above all, he couldn't blame Jeongguk anymore. For making him gay. For making him scared. For making him all that he didn't want to be. Because, it was all Taehyung's fault, from falling for the way his mole disappeared under his lips when Jeongguk smiled to obediently nodding after his father's Sunday future talks.

He cried a little more, cradling the sketchpad. Jeongguk smiling at him, from within the sketch.

3 am turned 4 and 5 and soon the next day at library, a red eyed taehyung would hand over his assignment to Jeongguk. Never meeting eyes, even as the other would say his name right.

Later Taehyung's sketchpad would add a pair of timberlands jogging away. An apology to the blotted ink in it's previous page.

___________

A/n:

Unrequited love hurts. Srsly.

Was rewatching MMA 2019 the other day and they really edited a galaxy in jk's eyes... I mean you don't need em, but damn, the milky way in his eyes~ *dreamily sighs*

Aint they soft? Yes, all my husbands😌