TW: This essay discusses rape/SA, domestic abuse, and misogyny. Skip this piece or read with caution if these subjects are sensitive to you!

The people who say they feel sorry for the victims but then say "you kind of asked for it by..." or "it was your fault, you shouldn't have..." do not actually feel sorrow for the victim. The victim trusted this person to support and help them through a hard time, only to be blamed for something they never actually asked for. It never was their fault. Not even by walking outside alone at night, walking outside at any time with headphones in, wearing a "provocative" or "revealing" outfit, drinking alcohol, not fighting back, "leading them on," provoking them, associating with the person in the first place, not coming forward sooner, or– get this– existing! Blaming the assault on anything but the perpetrator and the perpetrator alone invalidates the survivor's experience and makes them feel responsible for something that, again, never was their fault. "You asked for-" shut up. No one asks for something so terrible to happen to them. Who in their right mind would want to be raped or sexually assaulted?

This mindset that the victim is at least partially responsible for what happened to them, though, has been ingrained into our society for so long. It's not new. In some cases it gets so bad that the victim begins to blame themself, using the same excuses that the others blaming them have used. If they blame themself, then, they may have more of a sense of safety and not do the things they are attributing to the traumatic event. As for others, they may blame the victim to make themselves feel better or safer to try to ensure that they don't become a victim, trying to have a more positive outlook on the rest of the world. They can't believe someone would actually do something so terrible without being provoked first. However, this is toxic because it: 1) overlooks the fact that the perpetrator still made that decision to hurt the victim, 2) allows predators to continue their behavior, 3) deteriorates the mental health and well-being of the victim to where they feel guilt, shame, or even anxiety or depression, and 4) makes it more difficult for future victims to come forward and be honest with themselves.

Male victims exist, too. As mentioned in one of my previous essays titled "Gender, Schmender- Part 2," they're often discouraged from speaking out, due to the fear of coming off as "weak" or "unmanly." Some people cannot fathom a man being a victim of SA or rape, only the perpetrator, because society pushes the idea onto them that they need to be tough all the time and never show any emotions. They also push the idea that a man can't be a victim, especially a victim to a female perpetrator, because of the classic but entirely false and outdated idea that "men are the strong ones, women are the weak ones. Women can't be violent, and men are naturally dominant." Men don't ask to be violated by anyone, in the same way that women don't ask to be violated by anyone. Anyone can be a victim, regardless of gender, sexuality, race, disability, etc. "He must have liked it, though." "He's lucky she was pretty." "I'd want her to do that to me too." Shut up. He did not want it, she still assaulted him (and her looks would never determine otherwise), and I bet you wouldn't want it done to you.

It's true that it is sometimes hard to accept that someone is simply such a horrible person who's done a horrible thing, but if we don't accept this truth, we can't move forward or get justice for the victims. No one wants to be sexually abused or raped. No one wants to be violated like that. If you say that you wish it would happen to you... no, you don't. No one should ever have to feel what that's like. It's not something to be romanticized. Even someone you know or trust could do it to you after they gain your trust and lure you in. In fact, that is most reported cases of rape (not even counting the vast majority of cases that go unreported). The abuser acts charming and nice to lure you in, manipulating you into believing they are a good person. Then they start showing their true colors, abusing then gaslighting then love-bombing then repeating that cycle, to keep you in, as an attempt to ensure that you can't leave or else they'll do something even more terrible to you or themself. This is what's wrong with the "you shouldn't have been spending time with that person in the first place" argument. People who make this argument make it as if we know they are like that. The truth is, we don't. Abusers make us think that they are good, trustworthy people at first, then when they've lured us in they do the bad thing. Then they gaslight us into believing it was our fault or into staying silent, or both.

That's why so many victims do not come forward, or take so much time to come forward. Some of them do not ever fully process what has happened to them or accept that it wasn't their fault, and some may not learn until years later how bad the thing that happened to them was. Whatever the case may be, it is important for someone to speak up and help others recognize the signs so they can, in the future, hold abusers accountable and potentially save themselves or another from falling for an abusive relationship. Either way, though, it still was not your fault. You did not ask for it.

To any victims or survivors reading this right now: it was not your fault. You're not a whore or a slut. There was no excuse for your perpetrator to do what they did to you. Take all the time you need to heal, speak up, and/or get justice. If you'll heal best by forgiving them and avoiding a court case, that's fine– do that. But if not, that's fine too; you do not have to forgive your abuser. You deserve nothing but the best. You did not deserve this, you deserve better.

No one asks for it.