TW- this essay has discussions on domestic abuse, gender-based violence, homophobia, misogyny and sexism, SA and rape, and murder.

The bar for men is so low. Many can get away with so much, yet women are shamed for many of the same things? For example, a woman who sleeps with a lot of men throughout a period of time is called a "slut" or a "whore," but a man is praised for doing the exact same thing with many women, and called a "player" like it's not a bad thing? Another: a boy can get away with going shirtless in public, but a woman can't even go to school in a simple crop top, pair of shorts, skirt, or tank top without being dress-coded and told that they're "distracting the boys?" Sounds like the only people distracted by that are the teachers, predominantly male, who chose to look at girls' bodies in a sexual way. A woman is expected to inherently be a good parent because "women naturally have wants to be a mother and homemaker," but a man being an absent father, whether it be physically, emotionally, or both, is perfectly acceptable and completely overlooked?

Let's look at it this way: the bar is so low for men that it is seen as a breakthrough or revolutionary moment for a man to be a good father or to even respect women in general. I see many comments from people on the Internet, especially TikTok, on videos where men are respecting women because it's the right thing to do or of men being good dads, that say "we shouldn't praise men for doing the bare minimum." Which is true, but my thoughts on that is this: sometimes, the bare minimum can mean so much to a person who has never experienced being genuinely respected or loved by a male figure in their life. That's how deep the patriarchy runs. It has allowed us to have such low expectations of men. But many women now, with realizing how harmful it is to settle for the bare minimum, are beginning to have much higher expectations. And a lot of men are mad about that. Why? Are they worried about having the same expectations set on them that they've been setting on us for years, decades, and centuries?

It might very well be that answer. My response to that is, our expectations are not necessarily based on the same things they base theirs on. Many men throughout years, decades, and centuries have based their expectations on things like physical appearance, sex drive, number of past romantic or sexual partners (hence, experience with having sex), and maybe on some personality traits. Many of us women who are setting higher expectations of men are most often basing it on their character, fidelity, and the way they treat us, and maybe physical appearance. While for everyone it is okay to have preferences for certain characteristics, what matters the most is that we're treated like full human beings with our own lives to lead; only with our partners part of them. Our partners do not need to control us, they don't own us (and we don't own them either). The things that matter most in a relationship are: mutual trust, honesty, healthy and open communication, being there for one another when either of us are going through a hard time, genuine kindness (for the reason that it is simply the right thing to do and not just to get something out of the other), and respecting one another as human beings (hence, not treating your partner like an object or something that needs to be controlled). And you can't only respect the women you're attracted to. To be a good, respectful man, you should respect ALL women. Regardless of whether or not you're attracted to them.

Women are not inherently more sexual than men; we have just been looked at as sexual objects by men for centuries. It is not my fault that someone else actively decides to look at me in that way, even if I do a supposedly "suggestive" dance on TikTok, wear a "revealing" outfit, or even have a physical appearance that someone might consider "sexy" (I can't even control that, what?). Even women who dress "modestly" and don't show themselves much in public are still sexually violated. So can we all agree now that we can't blame it on the victim's clothing? Or for dancing in public? Or that, in general, it isn't the victim's fault for being raped or assaulted? Because it NEVER is, no matter what. No one wants to be raped, and no one is "asking for it." Women get raped, sexually harassed, and catcalled, but we're blamed for the crime of others? Lots of people will do anything to make excuses for the abuser and dismiss the victim's experience. And we'll shame women for any and every decision they make.

I've heard so many horror stories about women being killed or raped simply for rejecting a man's advances. One example is probably one you have heard of; it comes from a Walgreens, where a seventeen-year-old worker was ignored by the manager after reporting a twenty-eight-year-old coworker for sexual harassment. This grown man had been harassing her for months both before and after she reported it, and the manager had known about it for quite some time, but they continued to ignore her and made her work with this man still. Mind you, this is a full-grown man hitting on a seventeen-year-old girl and harassing her for rejecting him. This had gone on for too long there, and now that girl is dead because that man closed off the break room and killed her there during her break... all because she wouldn't get into a relationship with him. And what did any of the other coworkers or managers, or even corporate do about it? Nothing. That's just one of many examples of women being killed or brutally harmed for simply rejecting a man. This is why "just saying no" isn't so easy most of the time. It's also why some women give in to relationships they don't want to be in just to avoid being harmed or killed for rejecting the abuser... even then, it is hard to leave the relationship for the same reason: fear of what the abuser might do to you or your loved ones if you left.

You're not wearing makeup? You're ugly and a slob, put some effort into your appearance. You are wearing makeup now? You look fake and plastic, don't be fake.

You're too fat? Don't eat so much, go lose some weight. But don't go to the gym because fat girls can't work out. You're too skinny? Get some meat on your bones, you look like a twig.

You're wearing revealing clothing? You're a slut; cover up so you don't distract the boys. You're dressed modestly? Oh, don't be afraid to show your body, you're a prude.

You're having one alcoholic drink at a party or restaurant? You're an addict, you're a drunk. You're choosing not to drink tonight? You're a prude.

You're waiting until marriage to have sex? You're a bore. You're having sex before marriage? You're a whore.

You've had experience with having sex before? You're a whore. This is your first time having sex, however? You won't be good in bed; I want someone with experience.

You're crying and expressing emotions? I'll give you something to actually cry about. You women are always so emotional. You're not showing any emotions? You must be heartless.

See? No matter what we do, we are shamed anyway. We're damned if we do and damned if we don't. So now, why not just do what makes us happy regardless? It all comes down to them wanting to have control over us. That's the patriarchy for you. But that's not all; the patriarchy harms men too. It harms EVERYONE.

Let me explain. The patriarchy expects men to be emotionless and has gaslighted people to think that anger isn't an emotion (hence, making excuses for men's predatory or otherwise problematic behavior). It expects men to bottle everything up, shaming them for seeking mental health support. It has such high expectations of what it means to be a "real man;" for example, expecting them to never dress "feminine" (even though we know now that clothing has no gender), engage in often risky behavior, have "manly" jobs, and use violence with other men over petty things. Homophobia plays a huge part in this, too, as men who are perceived as being feminine or doing anything even remotely deviant from social norms for "real men" is seen as "gay" as if it's so bad to be gay. What about male victims of domestic violence or rape?

Many men like to say things like, "ok but men get raped too" or something along those lines to discredit a woman's experiences she is speaking out on. Yet when a man comes out about having the same experiences with being sexually assaulted, raped, or abused, they turn a blind eye. What's more, they'll say things like, "just man up," "why didn't you fight back?", "you let it happen," "you should have enjoyed it," "you're lucky," or "it was just a misunderstanding." Hence, invalidating their experiences and promoting a toxic, false mindset that men can't be victims and that women can't be perpetrators. These have caused many men who've been through these experiences to deny them, avoid speaking out about them, or to even die by suicide. We need to change this, and we can do that by providing a safer environment for men to speak out about their experiences without being dismissed or invalidated. At the same time, we should provide that same environment for women to speak out on theirs.

As you're reading this, also think about non-conforming, non-binary, and genderfluid folks. We need to accept them as full human beings whom we should neither objectify, sexualize, or infantilize. We should provide them that same safe space to speak about their experiences. Let's let them express themselves as they want and destroy the high expectations on them in order for them to be "valid" non-conforming, non-binary, or genderfluid folks. They are valid non-conforming, non-binary, and genderfluid individuals regardless of their experiences or way they look, dress, or act.

Doing so will help smash the patriarchy and establish gender equality for ALL.