╔══════════════════╗

MISADVENTURES IN PARADISE
xvii. MJ GETS SHOT

╚══════════════════╝

   LATELY, RILEY HAD FALLEN prisoner to guilty pleasures. Bad TV. Gossiping with her coworkers. Getting wine drunk with her mom. Teaching Morgan curse words in foreign languages. Seeking out tall buildings with the perfect rooftops to lounge on (though that last one, she wasn't sure why). However, her worst guilty pleasure, without question, had become staking out very minuscule crime scenes.

   She couldn't put her finger on where the pastime came from—only that she was the kind of person who couldn't let go of a fixation or obsession to save her life. Usually, she left those to the NYPD or Spider-Man or whatever new D-list superhero was running the streets these days. After all, Riley Stark was a busy woman. There was no reason to give minor crimes the time of day, and besides, let's be serious, it was never a fair fight.

   But lately, Riley sort of loved how it felt cleaning and buffing the streets of New York. Maybe it was because life had reached a plateau again, and Riley preferred to keep her gears warm. Maybe it was because Morgan was growing up too fast, soon to be roaming the streets on her own. Or maybe it was because it got her out of spending the day doing paperwork.

   Whatever it was, Riley didn't mind floating from borough to borough and giving petty criminals a run for their money. Or... well, it wasn't usually their money, but anyway—

   This had been Riley's thing for a few months now. Ever since the Statue of Liberty fiasco, really—which, again, she still couldn't remember much about, but she was trying to move on from that concern. As long as she could still her lefts from her rights, her memory loss didn't seem to be doing any harm.

   Now, this, moderating neighborhood crime, had been a peaceful pastime of Riley's since these past few months, since all that. With Spider-Man primarily taking nighttime crime, they didn't cross paths much anymore. It had been ages before she saw him again recently: the other day when he somehow found her on her designated rooftop of the day, mentioned he was having an existential crisis, and swung into the sunset like nothing ever happened.

   What a bizarre person he was, truly.

   For whatever reason, Riley couldn't stop thinking about him. He'd hardly said anything of substance, just that he was going through some things, but that might've been the first time he ever shared anything about himself. Willingly. On purpose. Without the shroud of a quip. It was so strange. He said it like it was nothing. Like they were sort of friends—albeit only for half a second before he went back to annoying her.

   It bothered her. He bothered her.

   They'd known each other for years, but how much did Riley really know about Spider-Man? He obviously grew up in New York. He was bitten by a radioactive spider. He joked about being broke a lot. He joked about everything a lot. All the time. Too much, really. And he knew a bit of Spanish for some reason, which made Riley want to believe he might be Hispanic or something, even though he often said things that made him sound painfully white.

   (Not that Riley cared about knowing his identity. She was a spy. She couldn't stop herself from making observations).

   (No, Riley was not observing Spider-Man. She was just good at her job, shut up!).

   Riley knew she didn't like Spider-Man. That wasn't the problem, per se. It's just, how can you know someone for years without really knowing them?

   God forbid she ever mention she thought about him this much to Spidey. He would never, ever shut up about it.

   He never shut up about anything.

   "Neither do you," Tony chirped while Riley ranted to him about the same things she always ranted about when Spider-Man became a topic of conversation. (Usually, she was the one bringing him up. Tony hardly remembered Spidey existed until she did).

   "Not true," Riley grumbled, adjusting her phone between her shoulder and her ear. She was where she always was. Today, it was a shorter rooftop, one that gave her a humble overview of an intersection. She wasn't even in uniform. She had some time to kill before she had to head into work that morning. "Why do I even bother talking to you about anything?"

   "This isn't anything. This is boy-talk," Tony replied in a too smug tone.

   "Ew, no this is not!" Riley exclaimed. Under the guise of the pale yellow sky, the morning seemed too peaceful to already be in an irritable mood. But that always happened to Riley whenever she thought of Spider-Man.

   Not that she thought of him often. He was like lice in her hair. Not that she had lice, but—

   Anyway.

   Maybe thinking about Spider-Man so much was beginning to make Riley's internal monologue sound like him.

   "You called me because you can't go on a run alone," Riley went on. She leaned back against her hands and shut her eyes. The discordant cacophony of cars honking wasn't pleasant, but it gave her something new to think about. A reminder that these are the lives you're saving, every day. Some are assholes, some are good. But everyone's going somewhere, just like you. "I don't get why you're so against a little bit of cardio. If you didn't want heart problems, you shouldn't have gotten blown up and kidnapped a billion years ago."

   Tony scoffed. "Are you seriously blaming me for that? You're cold."

   "And you can't be alone with your thoughts for more than five minutes."

   "Can we circle this back to your bug problem? You know, boss, it's okay to admit you sort of care about your colleague."

   "I care about Bug-Boy the same way I care about paint drying."

   "That would be an adequate metaphor if you didn't have strong opinions about the most mundane aspects of life," Tony countered, panting as his jog slowed. She could hear his shoes hitting the concrete faintly. "Need I remind you of your rant about door handles?"

   "There's no reason that so many different kinds should exist! A door is a door!" Riley burst. "You keep up that tone, and I'm adding an extra three miles to your routine."

   "You threaten me one more time, and I'm refunding your adoption papers."

   To that, Riley snorted. She sat up, opening her eyes to people-watch—a pastime MJ was a big fan of. It was Sunday morning, so the streets weren't as congested as usual. In the park across the block, there were a few older people playing chess, which always brought a little pinch of pain to Riley. It made her miss Vision. To this day, she still couldn't find anyone who really made her sweat during a game of chess the way he did.

   There were some runners out, too, oversized headphones squeezing their skulls. Mostly adults. The occasional teenager was lurking about, probably heading into work. Like MJ. Poor MJ was still working that minimum wage job at that shitty donut shop, which was conveniently across the intersection Riley was looking over. If she squinted, she could sort of make out MJ's figure—

   Which was being held at gunpoint.

   Oh.

   "Oh!" Riley gasped. "Shit!" She flung herself onto her feet, hopping off the rooftop and onto a forcefield to make her descent. In one breath, she said to Tony, "Gotta-go-some-jackass-is-stealing-donuts-bye!" She made out a garbled, confused half-response from Tony, but she was already hanging up before she could hear all of it. She shoved her phone into her pocket, turned invisible, and hustled across the street.

   'Why is it always the donut shops?' Riley thought in passing, though, really, she was more concerned about why JOCASTA hadn't alerted her of any 911s. A few months ago, Riley gifted MJ and Ned little Stark inventions: a ring and a bracelet respectively that could transmit their exact coordinates with one push of a button in case of an emergency. Once Riley entered the donut shop, however, she quickly understood why MJ hadn't called her or Roman.

   "No, seriously, man, just take it," MJ was saying as Riley snuck inside. There was a line of people, hands raised, phones and wallets tossed onto the counter. Mostly adults, two preteens. They all seemed petrified—except for MJ. MJ nodded to the cash register, which was wide open. "I don't get paid enough to care if this place gets robbed, so—"

   "Shut up!" the first gunman barked. Two more stood behind him: one was supposed to be watching the door while the other was attempting to look menacing to scare the civilians. "Just put the goddamn money in the bag if you know what's good for you."

   "Well, here's the thing," MJ explained. "If I hand you the money myself, my boss could definitely fire me, and I would prefer not having to job hunt since I'm leaving for college soon anyway. But if you just take it, then I'm pretty sure it'll be chill, and I can keep working for this piece of shit shop. I'm pretty sure half of these recipes violate some kind of FDA regulation anyway. So, just take the money, help yourself to some arsenic donuts, and leave."

   Robber #2 scratched his head. "I-I'm confused. Is this a trick?"

   "You guys are so bad at your job, it makes this more embarrassing than scary," MJ muttered, so quietly that Riley nearly blew her cover to laugh.

   "Nah, wait a minute," Robber #3 gasped. "I know you! I've seen your face before! You're buddies with Valor!"

   Robber #1's face dropped, his grip on his weapon tightening. "Not that bitch," he groaned. "Last time I saw her, she put my ass in jail for five years!"

   It suddenly clicked for Riley. She had seen these robbers before. (Well, Robber #1 and #2, at least. #3 was new). She remembered them now. It was years ago, the day she started acting undercover at Midtown High. On her way to school, she noticed some guys were attempting to rob a local donut shop, and she stopped them.

   Wait, did she stop them? Now that Riley was thinking about it, she could've sworn someone was with her... Right?

   "Whaaat, you got arrested by an Avenger?" Robber #3 asked. "That's kinda dope."

   "Man, why did we bring him?" Robber #2 asked Robber #1. "I told you we can't do this shit without Rico."

   "Not my fault Rico got Blipped and missed out on half his sentence, man!" Robber #1 hissed.

   "Ohhh! I knew someone was missing!" Riley finally chirped. The three robbers tensed. "I thought I'd seen you guys before, but I couldn't really pinpoint the new guy. Makes sense now." They began to turn aimlessly to find the invisible soldier. "I'm forgetting your name. It's a vegetable, isn't it? Broccoli, cabbage... What was it?"

   "Kale," Robber #1 grumbled. "I'm not named after a vegetable!"

   "You live in New York, babe," Riley said. "I'd be confused if you weren't named after a veggie. Anyway, Kale, didn't we talk about this the last time I arrested you? If you're gonna attempt an armed robbery, at least be good at it!"

   Kale glared at the air. "SHOW YOURSELF, VALOR! LET'S SETTLE THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL."

   "Sure!" Riley said. "How about best two out of three?"

   Robber #2's gun was scooped out of his grasp with a forcefield. It twirled in the air for a moment. (Riley couldn't help that she kinda wanted to fuck with these guys a bit). Robber #2 tried to jump for it, but at the same time, Robber #3 fired at it thinking Riley was there, causing the gun suspended mid-air to go off. The civilians gasped, but the bullet landed in a jelly-filled donut. Bright red jelly burst all over MJ's uniform, causing her to sigh.

   "Great," MJ dryly said. "I've been shot."

   Riley cried out in pain, turning visible. "No! Agh! How did you know?" Her hands were raised as she cowered. "How did you know my powers were tied to jelly donuts? What have you done to me!?"

   MJ raised an eyebrow. Wiping the jelly on her cheek and licking it off her thumb, she asked, "Slow morning?"

   Riley stopped her wailing. "What, you didn't think that was funny?"

   "I'll give it a 6/10."

   Suddenly, Kale lunged over the counter for Riley, to which she slammed a forcefield against his ribs. His body went hurdling toward the crowd. A second forcefield caught him before he could crash into them. His gun went spinning out of control as Riley kept him suspended for a second. She gave the preteens in the crowd a little smile.

   "See? These clowns aren't as scary as they seem," Riley assured them, though, really, she was getting a little concerned with how many guns were flying around. Still, she kept her composure for the sake of the kids in the room. Besides, she was holding another forcefield around them. Safe and sound. "You just have to be a little brave. Like my friend over there." Riley nodded back to MJ, who shrugged in response.

   "I dunno about bravery," MJ said. "I think being friends with you has desensitized me a little bit."

   Riley waved her off, smiling even bigger when the kids laughed, their fear melting away. With their giggles, the rest of the crowd began to calm down, too.

   Robber #2 and #3 took that as their chance to seize the free gun. They jumped for it at the same time, causing their heads to collide. Robber #3 winced, squeezing the trigger on his gun on accident. But before the bullet could strike anyone, there came a THWIP! Then, a BANG!

   "You know," came the voice of Spider-Man, "I get the feeling the criminals of New York have a vendetta against local donut shops!"

   He suspended himself upside down in the corner of the ceiling. He held his web like a leash, tugging the gun out of reach. "I mean, personally," he went on, "if I was a bad guy, I'd go for the corporations, but maybe you guys went over that at the last Bad Criminal meeting."

   He webbed the other two gunmen, only he didn't use separate webs for them. Instead, he secured his webs around them together, squeezing them in a very unfortunate cocoon. Spider-Man dusted his hands off. "There ya go," he finished. "Snug as a bug."

   Riley grimaced. "Just terrible."

   "You and I both know you're writing that one in your diary later," Spidey said.

   "Speak for yourself." Riley scoffed, motioning to the donuts on the counter, where the second bullet landed. "You do know you're supposed to shoot the bad guys, not the donuts, right?"

   "I'm only following in my daring leader's footsteps," he taunted, gesturing to the exploded jelly donut on the counter. He nodded to MJ, hesitating for a split second. "Morning, by the way. You've got a little... on your cheek... and the floor... and everywhere."

   "Thank you for that, really," MJ remarked. "Wouldn't have noticed that without you."

   He snickered and turned to the crowd. "Everybody alright?"

   A round of "Thank you, Valor!" and "Thank you, Spider-Man!"s echoed through the shop, to which Riley nearly muttered, I could've handled that without you. Only she didn't because Spider-Man somehow beat her to it.

   "I know, I know. You had that," Spider-Man said as the police finally appeared. "Funny how we always end up here, right? Hey, in my defense, you're the one who said you missed me during daytime crime, so—"

   "What are you talking about?" Riley clipped, eyebrows pinched. "We've never... I've never..." A dull ache crawled through her temple, pounding as her head tried to tell her something that she wasn't comprehending. Funny how we always end up here. What did he mean by that?

   Her own voice spoke softly, distantly in the back of her memories. Seriously? Maybe shoot the bad guys instead of the donuts! I had that. I didn't need your help.

   Spider-Man's faraway response came next. I know, I know! But... I just... I just fought bad guys with freakin' Valor! Uh, I mean... that was cool. I'm Spider-Man.

   Spider-Man held his hand against his chest. "Oof, gonna pretend that didn't wound me. Well, if there's nothing else for me to handle here, I'll be on my way! You have fun doin' paperwork for me, Val!" And with that, Spider-Man left the shop.

   An unnerved feeling chilled Riley. She dropped her many forcefields, including the one holding Kale (which led to him slamming onto the floor), for the police take over for her, and sprinted out of the shop. The bell on the door jingled as the wind gusted through her hair. In the distance, she could make out Spider-Man's red-and-blue figure shrinking the farther away he swung. She stood there, frozen.

   "That's right..." Riley said to herself, cupping her temple. She thought back to the last time she stopped a donut shop robbery, all those years ago. She wasn't misremembering that, after all. She hadn't done it alone. "You were there that day."

   Riley suddenly couldn't shake the feeling that she was forgetting something. It poked and prodded at her over and over again, shaking her ceaselessly. Remember, remember, remember. You're forgetting something. Remember, remember, remember.

   After a minute of standing there, waiting for it to hit her, Riley went back inside the shop with her teeth gritted.

   She needed to get to the bottom of her memory loss problem before it made her crazy.

○ ○ ○

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Like what are the odds I write a donut shop robbery in AIB and then MJ works at a donut shop.... I'M JUST SAYING

That is the only reason I bring you this chapter (that I definitely wrote a few months ago and forgot to publish) today. Cough cough, if only there was someone, cough cough, who could help Riley with her, ahem, memory loss problem, cough cough. Oh, well! (Andrew Garfield voice) I guess we'll never know...for sure!