Chapter V

You go trough your whole life waiting for something to happen. Waiting for someone, a stranger, to bump into you and turn your life upside-down, and change it completely like in a cheesy rom-com or something like that. It's bullshit. No one is going to spontaneously walk into your life when you're on the bottom. The only one who is able to change your life around, the only one who can raise you up, is yourself. And if not even you can do that, you may as well just lay down right now and die. You only have you. "That's not much", you might think, but it's a whole lot. Think about what one person can do, think about what one person can accomplish. They can cure cancer, invent the car, save someone's life, end a war. Anything.

-

Everybody seemed to stray away from me. I didn't like it. I need people around me, I need attention. People say it makes me a bad person that I want attention. And that makes me sad. Lauren was the only one who really cared about me, understood that I needed attention and love, but even she left me.

I think people need attention to survive, no matter how much they tell themselves or others that they hate or don't need attention.

The only one there for me was G. He would sit with me during lunch and sleep beside me during the night. He had appeared more frequently lately, as if he knew I needed attention. Even though he didn't talk, him being there made everything magically better.

"Why have you been ignoring me?" I stood in the middle of a hallway, close to my room. I had walked past Gerard. He didn't even seem to notice me, just walked straight past me, so I decided to stop this thing currently between us and just ask him straight out.

"What-"

"Do I have anything on my face? Did I say something? I know I can be annoying, people have told me but-"

This time, Gerard was the one to interrupt, "You really don't remember, do you?"

I shook my head confused.

"Look, it's fine, just forget it," I didn't know what i was supposed to forget, "Do you... Do you wanna play some cards?"

-

"Checkmate, bitch, I won!" Gerard exclaimed and threw his cards on the table.

I gasp, "That's not how you play cards, you cheated!" I throw my cards on the table too, some of them falling to the floor.

"I certainly did not. I won because I'm good" Playing offended, he crossed his arms over his chest before smirking, waiting for my next move.

He wasn't exactly prepared for me literally jumping over the table and attacking him. I was careful not to hurt him, more like embracing him in a hug, yet a flash of fear streaked his hazel eyes for a small moment. I did my best rabid-beast impression, making gurgling noises, but he just laughed at me.

"Cheater! Cheater! Cheater!" I play-punched him in his stomach, not really hitting him.

I giggled, but he grabbed my hands to look me into the eyes, "Look, there's something you need to do for me." Gerard's joking behavior suddenly faltered. I cocked my head to the side, letting go of his warm neck.

"And what's that?"

Instead of giving me an answer, Gerard grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the day-time room, out into the hallway and then into a toilet. It was strange how The Coats suddenly stopped following us around. A few weeks ago I couldn't go anywhere without someone rushing after me to follow me like a dog. And they seemed to be getting fewer. It started with Lauren, and now there's even less.

Once the toilet was locked and the lights turned on, Gerard whirled around, a serious expression plastered on his face.

"There' something you need to do for me."

"Yes, you've already said that."

"There's something I need. This- this thing..."

"It's in Dr. Nestor's office."

"It's in this metal archive thing."

"She keeps it unlocked while she's in the room, but she has ADD so sometimes she forgets to lock it."

"What's ADD?" I asked

"It basically means you're stupid, don't ask dumb questions"

Jamia wasn't stupid, I knew that.

"Anyway, I need you to get me this."

"How do I know which document to take?" I have seen the huge amounts of paper in that archive when Dr. Burn has opened it.

"It is filed under the name Iero, Frank A."

-

Dr. Nestor had gone out for a smoke that lesson, and I had nothing to do. I sat there on the chair for a few seconds, but nothing was happening so I soon became bored. I noticed that on her desk, there were all these papers with stuff written on them. I like reading, so I got up and grabbed one. It kind of looked like a weird book, but I began reading anyway.

"'Iero, Frank A. patient file'?" I read. Why did it have my name written in a funny way? Maybe it was a fairytale about me. I opened the book, and the first thing I saw was a picture of me. I think it was me? It was weird, because I looked so small and funny there, with short hair and wide open eyes, I almost didn't recognize myself.

It said my full name again, my birthday, which was the 31st of October 1981, and my height and weight. There was a lot of other things there that I didn't quite understand, things about sex and male, and on a small, yellow post-it note someone had listed some funny words that I had never heard before. I tried reading some of the words out loud, as it usually is easier to read then,

"PTSD... Self har-ham-hammering?... S-su-sui-suicidal tendenc-sss-ies. Sch-schi... Schiii," I had to take a break, as it was starting to hurt my head, "Schiizooph-phreeeeniia... Sl-slightly p-para... paranoid behavior. An-anxiety, and d-depression".

It wasn't that interesting anymore because I couldn't understand any of those words, Stupid stupid, so I turned the page and kept reading.

This page was fiddled with cursive hand written notes, giving off the date - 16th of March, 1991-, which was exactly 10 years ago, I managed to figure out after a few minutes, and the writer's name - J.H Ryeng. I remembered her very well, with brown hair always in a bun and scarlet red lips. She was really nice, but after a few months of knowing her she just never showed up again.

'The following is a report of the psychiatric, psychological, physical and neurological examinations together with a personality study in the case of the above named individual who was examined in this clinic.

On 14th of March 1991 at 5:41 PM Iero was brought to City of New Jersey Psychiatric Hospital by his grandparents.

Psychiatric examination discloses no psychotic symptoms at the present time. He is very tense due to anxiety most likely from recent events, but this does not interfere with co-operation, which is satisfactory, and usually frank. There are abnormalities in his emotional responses, clearly delusional trends, hallucinations and gross disturbances. The patient is not aware that these are hallucinations. Bipolarity? Schizophrenia? Homicidal behavior.

Psychological analysis indicated that he is mentally defective. His intellectual attainments are not within the average range as shown in his literacy, vocabulary, and fund of general information and nature of interests. Practical judgment however-'

I didn't get to read the rest, as the clicking noise from the door signaled that someone was trying to get it. In my confused state I hid the book under my hoodie, just in time for Jamia to step inside.

Soon her sharp, pale face and plump body wandered into the room.

"Frank? Why are you still here, our lesson is over. Shush now."

I didn't hesitate as I rushed out, not offering her a single look, just incase she could read my mind, and found out what I had done. The smell of smoke was strong as I passed her, making me want to puke.

Back in my room, Gee was waiting for me. He just sat there on the cold tile floor.

"They have cut down on my medication." I told him. I walked over to the bed and sat down.

"I managed to grab this," I showed him the file, "I don't understand any of it, but Gerard said he wanted it. Maybe he will help me understand."

Gee nodded, signaling with his hands to hand the file over to him. As he read through it, the crease between his eyebrows deepened. When he finished, he looked up at me, pity clear in his eyes.

"What does it say?" I ask, but he just shakes his head, handing it back to me.

"It's okay, I'll hand it to him tomorrow," I waved the stack of papers in my hand,

"I'm tired. Do you wanna go to bed?"

Gee jumped up after I got up and I laid down on the mattress. He snuggled up to me, his nose touching my neck and arm slung around my waist.

"It's funny how you and Gerard look so similar, it's like you're twins. Maybe we're all twins? Three twins...-"

I fell asleep right away.

a/n

Lol kk so, it's not 2000 words as my goal is, but whatever, you've been waiting for 3 months for this shit so. Basically yall getting impatient af so I scraped this together. Over the last 2 months ive just been writing random notes here and there, on my phone, on my computer, in my notebook and on the back of  those paperbags you get on the plane in case you need to puke. Trust me, it was a hard quest trying to find all my lost notes and scribbles. the reason ive been late with this chapter is bcus writers block and rupauls drag race :_)))

Peace luv, suck a dick -zoo

ps. opinions and comments made through the entirety of this fic are not necessarily mine mkay u-u i'll put a warning in the description.. sorry if i offended anyone. like, this book includes some comments included transphobia and sexism and shit or descriminating comments about mental disorder (such as ADD. disclaimer: i dont think people with ADD are stupid.i have ADD myself, but, well, im stupid so.)

pps. check out the fic im writing with @SeraphStarshine n-n. its called I Wish I Never Saw The Sunshine and it's on her profile !!

ppps. check out my spotify, link to fic playlists in my bio. also if you wanna check out what kinda music i listen to ;-))

this is getting way too long i promised myself it wouldnt be and nobodys reading this shit BYE