Chapter III

The rest of the day was just one, big haze. Like the cafeteria every time when we are served pizza for dinner.

I just walked around from place to place, did what I had to do. The people I saw were all colors, blended together, reminding me of the mashed vegetables I had for lunch yesterday. People were like mashed vegetables in a weird kind of way, they had necessary essences and they were there for a reason, even though you don't really want to consume them, because you'd very much like them prepared another way.

And I had completely forgotten that I had agreed to go outside in the garden with Gerard after recreational therapy. Until right after education group when a hand gripped my shoulder, making me jump.

"Have you been avoiding me?" He simply asked without hesitation while turning me around making me face him.

I shook my head, because I hadn't. I just forgot.

"Come with me."

I wasn't really out in the garden a lot. I'm not sure why, because it was quite nice and peaceful, mostly. I guess I just never had the motivation. It wasn't really big but it had some trees and some paths leaving here and there. You weren't really allowed out here unless you had one of The Coats with you, and this whole place was watched at all times. There was this huge fence that surrounded the whole area, and beyond that, a forest. Gerard led me to this small, clear, grass patch a little off to the side, and sat down straight away. I was still standing there, studying him from above.

"Come on, sit down, it's just a little dirt, no reason to be such a girl about it."

"What?" I tilted my head, not really getting it. Gerard looked at me confused for a second.

"Because, um... Girls are scared of dirt?" He squinted up at me, mostly because of the sun hitting him right in the face.

"I know a lot more girls than boys who wouldn't mind getting a little bit dirt on their clothes."

Gerard rolled his eyes and sighed a 'yeah, whatever,' and looked away. I sat down beside him, crossing my legs, and instantly threading the grass between my fingers. It was quiet, and it made me a little uneasy. I kind of regretted going out now. I would be much better off in my room alone.

"So... Care to explain the thing in recreational group?" He didn't look at me, instead shifting his attention to the nothing in the forest behind the metal-wired wall. I still couldn't remember the name of it.

"What thing?"

"Don't act stupid, you know what I mean." But I really didn't. Had I done something wrong?

When I didn't answer, Gerard proceeded, "Does your doctor hurt you?"

I squinted. No, he didn't, Mr. Burn was very nice to me actually, and he takes care of me. Sure, there are a few things that hurts me, but that didn't exactly mean he was a bad person. Then again, that was not Gerard's question.

"I-I don't think so?" Because honestly, I didn't know. I was just so confused.

"Like, does he do things to you? Things you don't want him to?"

I nodded, tracing my fingers through the grass.

"Frank, it's important you listen to me, what he does to you is wrong, do you understand?"

I just shrugged. I didn't want this anymore, I just felt like sprinting inside again this very moment, the ball of nauseousness only growing bigger.

"Don't worry, I'll take care of it." He offered me a smile, but I didn't react, too busy pulling grass up from the ground, and I also didn't register the hand being offered to me.

-

We had stayed outside for a little longer, before we were all called to the nurse's office to get our medication. There is this little window thing, nurse standing on the other side with a clipboard and pen in her hand. We all had to stay in a line, which could be quite hard sometimes, but we mananged.

When it was my time to get my plastic container with pills, I noticed something new.

"Why is there only two pills here, I used to have five?" I stared confused at the tiny, white and light-blue capsules. The nurse held up a finger before fetching a note laying next to her.

"It says here that your doctor didn't think it was necessary with a greater doze of Prozac, and has also removed your xanax pill and the methylphenidate one. 20mg should be enough for now, and we'll wait and see. Now swallow." Her voice was nasal and annoying to listen to.

The names didn't say me anything, but I remember seeing the words 'xanax' written on the one that looks like a butt crack. After downing the capsules that left my mouth with a foul, dry taste, and letting the nurse check my mouth, I turned around to walk away. A man that I had seen around was laughing for himself, shaking his head at me. He leaned over to me, not wanting the nurse to hear, "They runnin' out of money, so they givin' us less food and less drugs to save their sorry arses. No wonder though, the way they stuff us silly on this shit." He let go off me, his words making no sense. Why did nothing anyone say make sense. Why was I so stupid, fuck. And now my arm was aching because of his harsh grip.

I soon found myself sitting in the corner of the bathroom, in the booth furthest away from the door, hitting my head against the white, ceramic wall, mumbling "stupid, stupid" to myself, not remembering how I got there.

"Frank? Frankie, is that you?" stopped me in the middle of my actions, causing me to slightly panic. The door handle was janked down, but since I had somehow managed to lock the door in my state, it only made the stall shake.

"Frank, I swear to Jesus Christ, if you don't open this fucking door right now, I will personaly crucify you myself out in the garden."

I shakily got up, believing the person's words, unlocking the door, and as soon it was open, I was embraced in a tight hug by Bert.

"Oh my God, Frank you scared the shit out of me, everyone has been looking for you, well, the last 5 minutes, there aren't really many places to hide here..." Bert kept rambling, not noticing me sobbing into his chest.

"I'm sorry lil' dude," he pushed me away a little so that he could look me in the eyes, clearly concerned, "what happened?"

I just shook my head, "Why am I so stupid, Bert?"

He looked startled for a second before answering, "what in the world makes you think that? You're the smartest person I know, fucking clever you are."

"D-do you really t-think so?" 

"Yeah, of course I do! I'm Bert, you know me, do I know what I'm talking about? Fuck yeah!"

I let out a laugh, and stared embarrased at the ground.

"Let's go fetch Bob or something, 'kay?" Bert started leading me to the door, while I dried my tears. This was when I noticed my arms was full of red, scratchy-looking marks. I didn't know where they came from, but they really burned, so I made sure to tuck the sleeves of my hoody all the way over my knuckles, not wanting anyone to see and think I had a deadly, contagious disease.

-

Some time after the incident in the bathroom, we were back in the cafeteria, a tray with a small portion of meat stue and the same, gross mashed vegetables. Me, Bert and Bob were all joined around our table, pushing the grey-looking food around on our plates. I looked up when Gerard and Ray almost threw themselves down on the bench.

"Hey, guys!" Ray grinned at us, only recieving some mumbles in answer, "I feel so hyped now that they has put my dosage down, damn those things really slowed me down." He kept laughing and waving his hands everywhere.

I stole a look at Gerard, who was wearing only a t-shirt, which gave me a full view of his pale arms.

"Hey, Gerard!" I yelled excitedly, almost jumping over the table to grab his wrist, "Look! You also have the marks, just like me, that's so cool, maybe we're twins!" I was giggling, staring mesmerized at his arm, and running my thumb over the small, white lines. I didn't feel how tense his body was, and how he was staring back and forth at the other guys, begging for help.

"Frank, What the fuck is wrong with you, I-"

"Gerard, stop." Ray said through gritted teeth before he could finish, while I was too busy comparing my own arm to his.

"I-I don't w-where they are from, but they alwa-ways hurt, and are r-red and scratchy, but they just suddenly pop up, like, "POP!", and Lauren says it's an illness, do you have it t-too?" I had seen people around here that also had them, but I had been to afraid to ask them.

"Um, I guess...?" Gerard said hesitantly.

"Cool, see, we are twins!" I couldn't stop giggling the whole meal.

-

They were everywhere. Couldn't see them. Couldn't hear them. Could feel them.

"G-go away, aliens!" I yelled out into the full room. Full of aliens.

"No, you c-can't t-take my toes, not n-now, n-not ever!". I knew that was what they wanted. They wanted my toes. No, they were my toes, they could use their own.

"G-gee?" If only Gee came back from wherever he was, he would protect me from the evil aliens.

But he didn't. He never showed up to save me. The aliens were coming closer, and now I could hear their ugly voices too. "Toe, toe, toe!"

Time was non-existent, and I just layed there, sobbing in my bed, no one there to help me. No one. I had no one. Nobody liked me. They were pretending. In reality they were all tired of me. Tired of me being annoying, tired of me being ugly, tired of me being stupid.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

A/N

Hi so, I'm currently writing this at the beginning of the chapter, but something just came to my mind, and you would like to inform you all that I really am trying to make this as accurate as possible. You know, the whole mental institution/hospital environment, and it is really hard, considering that I have never been there myself personally, but I like to think that I know quite enough to write about it (don't ask how, its kinda private). But please take into consideration that I am practically writing this from a child's point of view (he is not though.), so a lot of stuff will be off, so please do not use this as some kind of source or anything. Never use fics as references for anything similar to this (no matter how descriptive asotm was). I am doing as much research as I can tho, dont worry.

So yes, I am aware that a lot of facts are inaccurate. If you didn't notice, that's fine, and please ignore like 97% of what I just said. But usually fanfics or fics in general are never 101% correct, so you cant really blame me lmao.

This is really long im sorry.

Please also keep in mind that Frank's view is extremely hard to write, and I'll probably make an A/N chapter alone just to explain a few little things for you, unless its just annoying for you as a reader, but a lot of things in this fic is supposed to be vague, and are supposed to make you sit for a while and think "okay but wtf is up with that. Like, what does it mean, I don't get it, this shit is confusing" (unless you don't do that, which just makes this awkward). basically youre discovering things together with frank.

Ok ill stop before you fall asleep.

and also pls be an angel to check out this playlist i amde for the fic i love making playlists its my life and i love the songs mskwmqkN ok bye.

and if you comment on "hesitantly" i will stab you

ps. if you have any questions about this fic ill answer them in an upcoming work with lots of non-fic stuff

-zoo