Mirror Ball

Chapter I - Self Same Face

I fiddled with the hem of my grey t-shirt, while shuffling my converse cladded feet (the ones without laces, we are not allowed anything with laces for some reason, nor belts, which really sucked sometimes), them barely touching the ground from where I was sat on my bed. My shoes were soon to fall apart, but Lauren told me she'd buy me new ones soon. That was, if I continued my nice behaviour I've had lately. I'm not quite sure what she meant by that, but I don't want to upset her, so I had just grinned and nodded.

I was in a good mood, despite my rough awakening. They give me pills, telling me that I'll sleep better, but they don't last very long, and I end up having terrible dreams. And the pillow made my neck stiff, but this is how every morning was, so I didn't complain, people had it worse than me.

Someone had already banged on my door, about 30 minutes ago, that it was time for me to wake up, not that I wasn't already awake. It was now exactly 07:25, as my digital clock on the bedside table said with bright, green letters, which meant she would soon be here to pick me up. Everyone else can leave their room whenever they want between 07:45 and 08:15, but she had told me once a few months ago that they had to lock my bedroom door to "keep you safe", as she had said, and then escort me to the dining hall. Safe from what, I'm not sure.

While I sat there thinking for myself about how a great day this was going to be - which I do every morning - a familiar clicking noise emitted from the door, and then the sharp, bright light from the corridor streamed in.

"Good morning, Frankie." Lauren greeted me with a warm smile. I grinned and shot up from my bed, walking over to her. My smile faltered when I noticed her tired eyes, "Is everything alright?" I asked. Then I noticed a purple bruise on her cheek, "did you hit your face again? I told you, you have to check twice before into a room if there is a glass door there or not, before you walk straight in!"

She walked into glass doors a lot; she was clumsy like that, I guess. I found it kind of funny, because as soon her bruise faded, a new one would appear on the same spot on her left cheek.

Lauren gave me a weak smile, and squeezed my hand after grabbing it.

"I will be more careful." She promised in a soft tone, though her old eyes radiated with sadness. They did that a lot, but I didn't want to seem rude and ask about it. Last time I questioned her about why she didn't switch out the glass door with one in wood, so that she could at least see it, she just replied that she had been used to it for 30 years, and when it has been like that for so many years, it's hard to break yourself from it, you grow too attached, and you can't stop loving it.

I don't understand what she meant by that.

All the way over to the cafeteria we held hands, and I talked about everything between Heaven and Earth. Lauren and many of the other people always complimented on how positive and kind I was. But how couldn't I? I didn't want people want people to be sad, so I'd try to always smite my happiness over to them. I also loved life. It was so beautiful. Lauren told me I had some kind of serious lung damage when I was younger, and that it still hasn't completely healed, and probably never will, but I still remember hours after hours of lying in a white bed, in a white room- much like the rooms here at home- with an aching pain in my chest. I also remember wanting it all to go away, wanting it all to end. Talking to the nurses and making them laugh made it a little better though. I guess that's why I love living, because I was so close to lose it. And also because of all the wonderful people here. I love talking to them, and they love me too, I guess.

When we finally reach the dining area, I ran over to the table where my regular group of friends are sat.

My little 'clique' consists of Ray, Bob, Bert, and this guy who would never tell me his name, but currently there was only Ray sat at the table. He has really cool, floppy, curly hair, almost like a fro. He also has this awesome ability to see the future and read messages in everything. I like to call them superpowers. A lot of people here have superpowers. Sadly, I don't. I really want a superpower.

I sat down after waving goodbye to Lauren. She can't sit with us, because she has to sit with the people that are like her. I have noticed that everyone here is segregated into two main groups. The most domestic group are the ones I call The Coats. Lauren is one of The Coats. They are generally nice, unless you act out in any way, and you always have to do as they say, or there will be consequences, as Ray once told me, but he can be kinda dumb sometimes.

The Coats also tries to ask you all these questions all the time, and they want to "help" us others. I still haven't figured out what they are trying to help us with. I have also noticed that they can enter and exit the forbidden doors whenever they want. The other group I just call Us. I have figured out that I'm part of the Us group. Since I don't wear a white coat, and I have to eat and associate mostly with Us.

"I got your tray for you, Frank" Ray said, pulling me out of my thoughts, and pushing the array of food over to me.

"Oh wow. Thanks, Ray that-that's really nice of you. It-it's just that I..." I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, "I'm not really that hungry today." Offering him a soft smile, I tried to push the tray to the side. Ray just sighed and pushed it back, "You need food, you know, to live?"

I just shrugged, "I don't enjoy eating that much, I guess," trailing off, avoiding his stern eyes, I picked at the hem of my shirt again.

"Frank. Eat." He commanded.

I wanted to keep denying, but if I didn't eat, he'd tell the coats, and they'd force me to eat. Once is more than enough. So I obeyed.

After taking a few bites of the mushy potatoes, I felt a familiar unnerving feeling at the bottom of my stomach. I glanced over at the other people in the room, seeing them dig in on their food. Everyone must have the same uncomfortable ball in their tummy when they eat food, but if they can fight it, so can I.

"Where are the others?" I ask after a while, noticing Bob, Robert and The Guy's (I just call him The Guy because he never talks to anyone, never mind tell me his name. Trust me, I've tried) absence.

"Er, Bob will probably be here soon, I guess. You know what he's like, and um..." he looked uncomfortable under my gaze, so I started picking at my food again to make him feel better. After thinking for a few more seconds, he replied with: "Bert had an episode, and needed to calm down after yesterday. Something happened under group ther- I mean community group. Yeah, and uh, he had to go to sleep."

I just nodded. It happened sometimes to people for some reason. One time this girl threw a chair out the window. I didn't really understand what got her so angry, but I felt sorry for her. I don't ever want to be that angry.

"But the other guy?" I asked again, like Ray knew all the answers to everything and anything. Which he probably did because of his superpowers.

"Huh?" Ray furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, before his eyes grew wide, "oh! Um, well... He'll probably show up soon."

And in the exact moment he said that, The Guy turned up. He just popped out of nowhere, sitting there beside me.

He did that a lot, just following me around, disappearing, reappearing again at random moments. He was great company though, and since he didn't say much, that left me to all the talking, which I didn't mind, I loved talking.

"Ah, never mind then!" I looked from The Guy over to Ray, who just nodded sceptically.

"Aren't you gonna get your food?" I asked Guy, but he just shook his head, picking at his nails.

Ray didn't make any move to acknowledge him. No one ever did. I felt sorry for The Guy, I was his only friend, I guess.

"Ray told me you have to eat, that you need food to live. I know it's silly, but we don't really have a choice."

Guy looked up at Ray like if it was the first time he noticed him, before turning his gaze back to the floor.

I just shrugged, "as you wish."

Soon after, Bob came rushing in, his face all flushed.

"Ah, shit guys, I'm sorry I'm late, I messed up my system."

I offered Bob a smile. He often did that, fucking up his routine. Bert had explained to me a few times, that if Bob didn't take an even number of steps on his way to certain places, he would have to start his day all over again, for example. Bob could also never start a new action, or go somewhere unless it was 15 past something, like: 12:00, 12:15, 12:30 and 12:45.

He also counts a lot too. I can see him whispering numbers under his breath sometimes. I tried that once, but it just made my head hurt.

I thought he was cool, being organized like that. Bob just ruffled his strawberry blond hair as Ray pushed Bob's tray over to him. He immediately started counting the peas, because they always had to be an even number.

The whole time of breakfast continued with me talking to Guy.

-

The next on today's schedule was single talking. You know, when you sit in an office with this other person, and then they do and say stuff to make you feel good. I never felt good though.

I entered the office after some hesitation with a shy smile, noticing that Dr. Burn was already seated in the chair behind the desk.

I sat down in another chair in front of the large, wooden table.

"So, Frank," he started, "how has your day been so far?"

I perked up and started twitching my foot excitedly, telling him about Lauren still walking into doors (even though I've told her to be careful), The Guy still not talking nor eating, "I even told him that Ray told me I needed food."

I noticed that I talked a lot with my hands.

"Aha..." Dr. Burn just nodded, "does it upset you that 'the guy' won't talk to you?"

"No! He can't help it, I guess. But it does concern me a little. I do wish he'd at least say something"

Dr. Burn just nodded again and wrote in his black notebook. He got up and stood beside me.

"Well then, Frank, are you ready to feel good?"

I looked up at him with big, doe like eyes, begging him no. But I slowly nodded anyway.

"But Doctor Burn, it doesn't feel any good, and my back still hurts from yesterday."

Dr. Burn's look shot daggers at me, "You'll do as I please, Frank," he said through gritted teeth, "and right now I want you to stand up and drop your pants."

I gave him a short nod, got up, and did as he had told me.

I knew the process, but I always waited for his orders. Soon I heard the door lock, and Burn walking up behind me.

"Take of you underwear."

And I did.

"Grip the table."

And I did.

"And keep your mouth fucking shut."

And I did.

-

I could tell people noticed my halting the rest of the day, but no one questioned it.

I went into the common room, right after recreational group, with The Guy. As I sat down I was careful not to sit in any inconvinient position, which I failed miserably at.

"I don't really like Doctor Burn." I confessed to him. He just tilted his head in confusion.

"Yeah, he is always so rough, and he makes my whole body hurt, even though he tells me I'll feel better," I pulled up my shirt a little, showing him a bruise on my right hip, "look!"

Guy just looked at me with sympathetic eyes.

"You know, I think I'll start calling you just Gee or something. I'm kind of tired of calling you 'The Guy' and 'Guy' all the time in my head."

Gee just smiled and nodded, seeming pleased with his new nickname.

His smile was really cute, and I appreciated it every time his smiled. It always felt like small victories, if victories made your stomach feel funny and all fluttery.

*~*

you know what fuck it

here you go i published it (happy now Chloe?)

this has been saved to my computer for months, so i edited it and um yeah

idk ill probably regret this later

im at school watching a boring ass video about the cold war (aka white men fucking shit up and being dumb fucks again)

ill stop before my teacher realizes im on my phone

toodeloo

-zoo