“The truth is hidden within lies and lies within the truth…”

Wasn’t that what she always heard?  She knew the truth and lies within that statement.  It was always so easy to put on her facade at school and appear to the world as an innocent, fragile, gentle girl who always thought about how to improve a situation for someone else.

Yet this night...why this night, of all nights, did she feel as if her mask had shattered into a million shards?  Just like her heart...which was in ruins already, once again.

She stayed in the garage, the familiar smell making her feel nostalgic as she sat there, staring aimlessly into the mirror.  She didn’t want to go into the house.  She felt as if she would cry every time someone talked to her...which was almost true.  Already, tears had welled up inside, and the heavy burden on her heart felt even heavier.

What was this burden in the first place?  She didn’t even know, really.  There was no way of really explaining it.  Just the thought of having to sacrifice something so dear to her heart, perhaps?  Or the begrudging attitude she felt towards this...this problem?  It made her feel sick and weak.  She hated feeling sick and weak.  It was already hard enough trying to talk about emotions, but this made it worse...not knowing what the things were that were causing her this misery.  Was this feeling...remorse?  No, for there was nothing to be remorseful about.  Misery?  Close enough...but her inner self clenched her fists and yelled and rebelled.

What was really true anyways?  The whole world was a big fat lie.  A lie that led her to think that she could actually love something that didn’t exist.  A lie that made her believe that she really could change the world herself.  A lie that deceived her into thinking that she could actually pour out her heart and soul into someone and actually have them remember her for that and be there for her also.

She quickly rubbed away the tears streaming down her face.  No, this wouldn’t do...imagine what her kids at church would think.  Of their big Jie Jie crying?  Impossible...no, this just wouldn’t do.  She walked over to the sink nearby and splashed some water on her face to lessen the redness.

They say that time sometimes forgets...but she knows she won’t.

What a fake in the mirror.  It sickened her.  It made her feel queasy and unnerved.  What was the real face behind that broken mask of hers anyways?  She didn’t even know positively.  Inside, she felt that the only thing she could do was wear that mask, but what happens if she didn’t have the mask…?  Would she appear to be some sort of romantic daydreamer who would forever dream an impossible dream or would she appear to be a cold-hearted, selfish person who had been manipulating everyone this whole time?

Lies.  Her whole life had been wrapped in lies.  The words she spoke were lies.  The feelings she had were lies.  All lies.  Did that mean...her friends were lies, too?  All just too good to be true?  Of course...they probably were.  After all, when she told them - or rather tried to tell them - how she felt inside, they just simply nodded.  Nothing changed.  No understanding, no sympathy, no consoling.  But then again, she wasn’t looking for sympathy nor understanding nor consolation in the first place.  She just wanted…

...What was it again that she wanted?  No, she didn’t want those weak, senseless emotions and regrets.  She wanted something solid to rely upon.  Something even stronger than her own facade that had crumbled.

But it hurt to search…

Or maybe...this was all hopeful thinking...and it was just an unwanted dream.  A dream where she desperately wanted to wake up...

Inside she vowed...as long as the dream continues, so will the facade...

"When will my reflection show...who I am inside?" -Mulan