"You look like a disaster, what the actual fuck happened? " Amelia is shocked by my condition. It's been 2 weeks, and I have finished the book series. Right now, I am sitting with Amelia, who was worried because I disappeared completely for 2 weeks and insisted on meeting today. The coffee shop is busy, and We can hear a group of people laughing beside us.
'A broken glass' left me broken. I loved the characters and the plot, especially the male lead. With each line, my hopes of finding true love scattered. But it's okay. It's fine. At least I am alive. Though I don't look so.
"The book was awesome." I give a stupid grin. Our coffees are served. If it had been any late,  I would have eventually fallen unconscious. Caffeine was my only partner throughout the nights when I was reading books.
"You read that book day and night sil, You turned off your phone for 2 whole weeks, and we were so worried for you, Are you insane?" I just laugh at Amelia's expression.

"You shouldn't worry so much, I am fine," I assure her.

"Fine?" She crosses her arm around her chest, and I know what will happen now."Of course, you are fine, I mean, look at you, you look so fabulous,  don't you? The heavy dark circles that can be seen from miles away, swollen eyes so puffy that I can barely see your eyeball, And the way your skin is glowing,  isn't it? " Ouch. Each word was dipped in sarcasm.

"At least I felt alive for some time." I sip my coffee and let the caffeine help me stay alive.

"Sil, I need you to take care of your fucking health. You need to be more careful." She is worried, and I can sense it.

"I know. I will." Maybe one day it will matter. A comfortable silence wraps around us as we take sips of our coffee.

The past two weeks were a great escape for me. Something that made me feel good to be alive. For some time, I could believe that I was in a place where things were different. Where things are better. Now it's over. Back to the life, I must live until I just can't.

"I thought about the event" I broke the silence.

"And?" Amelia's eyes shine.

"I'm in" I give a smile and Amelia stands up with a loud sound which I do not know how to describe and hugs me almost squeezing the life out of me.

"It would be so much fun, it's next week." She says louder than it should be.

I just laugh.

.................................................................................................................

Bad idea.  It was a bad idea to come here at this event.  I sure do enjoy it when Amelia is around,  But what should I do when someone I don't know but she knows calls her for an emergency that I don't know and she has to leave me around people I don't know saying that I should socialize when I don't know how to do so.
I take another sip of my wine and see people around me making small groups and talking to each other. My face looks much better now, thanks to the foundation and concealer.
The gown I wear touches my skin to my thigh and flows down from there. It's navy blue at the bottom and the color fades to white as it reaches up. Some golden lines start from the bottom and curl up before reaching the top, which makes it look magical. The puffed-up sleeves with the same color style are off my shoulder. My hairs are tied in a beautiful and elegant bun with a golden clutcher with navy blue and white stones embedded perfectly to hold the hair.

It's night and I have nothing to do here. I wish I could leave, but I promised Amelia that I would stay here with her. Jazz music is like honey to the ears, some rich couples on the dance floor dance romantically throwing daggers at my drained-out heart. Do I even have anymore? All I feel is a space---

"My bad" I hear a male voice say with no guilt after they push me and my wine fell all over my gown. What a waste.
I turn around and glare at the person.

"At least apologize properly " I hissed. This was one of my best gowns and now it's gone. Absolutely ruined.

"Just a gown. Not a big deal." His blue eyes are cold. Dark brown hairs set perfectly except for that one strand that messily falls in front of his eyes. His white shirt fits him so finely, complimenting his body.
To think, he got good looks. But at the moment I am annoyed. I am living a life I don't mind losing, I am at an event I don't want to be in, I don't have any ideas on how to write a book which I must write, Amelia isn't here like she promised, The dress feels too tight to my skin, Wine fell on my favorite gown and the guy who is responsible for it decides to be an ass.
Without even realizing, My hands grab a glass of wine on the nearest table and I throw it on him.
He flinches and looks at me with his eyes widened from shock, He was about to say something,  but before he could say it, I interrupted.

"Just a shirt. Not a big deal." The sarcasm that I learned from Amelia is very useful.

I am done here. I grab my purse from the table next to me and walk out. I hate this guy. I hate this event. I hate myself. I hate my life.
I leave the hall. My eyes searched for a taxi nearby,  but none was in sight. It's late at night, I ruffled my purse to find my phone and check the time,  and it's past midnight. I won't find a taxi nearby in this area. I decided to call an Uber, but there is no network. Perfect. And if that wasn't bad enough, it started to rain. I was not going back inside, so I found myself at a nearby shop that had a roof at its entrance on the street.
I stood there and watched the rain become heavy. There are no lights except for the street light and the light from the event hall. The jazz music is still audible, but way too faint. My gown is now drenched and heavier. I finally let myself feel my surroundings and feel what's inside me. The wind is chilly, and it caresses my skin, the mild sweet scent of soil cleansing my soul.
Finally,  I feel something. Tired. A teardrop slips from my eyes, escaping all the guards and barriers that I have ever built. I wipe it instantly. I need to be strong.

"Hey," a familiar male voice rings in my ear. The asshole wine guy was standing right next to me, drenched as well. I did not even realize when he came here. His hair are messier than they were earlier. I did not respond. Rather, I turned my gaze away from him, I am in no state of mind to handle an asshole.

He clears his throat, "Sorry. I didn't mean to be an asshole there" My gaze suddenly shifts to look at him,  just to meet his blue eyes, which are no longer cold but instead calm and deep and somewhat soothing like the ocean. But I look away again. This time, because I am afraid that if I spoke, my voice will crack. I will crack...no.. I will break.

"You know, crying doesn't make you weak. It just shows how strong you've been. I heard that quote in social media. I find it true. Crying also helps in growing your eyelashes bigger, you know." He gives a stupid grin and looks at me. There was a moment of silence, then he again spoke "How long will you keep it in?" He asks, grin fading away.

"Excuse me?" Lightning fills the sky for a split second.

"The pain and sorrow that hold you hostage. How long will you keep it hidden?  How long do you wish to choke yourself from all those chains around you that you set up in the name of guards and barriers to keep you safe?" He looks me right in the eyes. I don't know what to say.
He continues, "Tell me, are those defensive barriers and guards to protect yourself from worse, or are those chains that bound you from exploring life so now you think there is nothing but pain and hurt that exists? Because right after you felt pain, you tied yourself to that chain and forbid yourself to ever walk far enough to find happiness.  Now you are stuck in that same area, in that pain, in the past, trying to get away, but you can't because of the fear that removing the chains means becoming weak and you will get hurt, but all they do is kill your soul. " He turns toward me and takes a step forward. I feel a tight knot forming in my throat. My lips tremble. Slowly his words start to sink in.

That was it. Something heavy fell on my heart, and the tears slipped out all at once. I fell on my knees right when I heard another thunder strike. I closed my eyes to stop the tears from falling but failed. I sobbed, I cried, I screamed, loudly and openly. My heart is getting clenched harder and harder by those chains.
My lungs are out of air, I take deep breaths and I sob louder. My body trembles while it heats up. Flames lick my skin. I wrap my arms around my chest. I feel naked,  I feel exposed, My vulnerable side that I wish to protect at all times is out. Out of shame, I turn my face to the ground. I am just a broken mess, slowly fading,  melting.

But before I could melt, strong arms held me together. It's him. They wrap around me gently but firmly. One of the hands moves to the top of my head, holding it tight to a strong, cold, wet,  and comforting place. His chest. The wet cloth of his shirt gives relief to my burning skin. The arms cover me entirely, and suddenly, I am no longer exposed. I am protected from everything. Enclosed within arms. My cries are muffled against his chest. My tears are making no difference as they fall on the already wet shirt.
The sound of thunder is no longer loud or scary. It's just there to remind me that this is real.
I cried, I cried my eyes out, my lungs out, I  cried my heart out until there were no tears to fall and the only thing left was my sobbs.
He still held me, gently patting my head.
The sound of rain is slowly fading. Has it stopped? Or am I losing my consciousness?  I don't know. I don't care. I am too broken to feel. The up and down of his chest gave an unknown sense of comfort. 
Maybe tonight I can just be a broken mess. Just for tonight, I can let me feel my soul. Just this one time. It's okay, right? Right? I doubt myself.  But maybe I said it out loud because I heard him say something that washed away all the doubts. Something that I all I ever wanted to hear.

"Yes, it's okay. It's okay to not be okay"