// I don't know what I am writing about. I knew that I have promised to update in February but I didn't know how to continue the story at that time. I keep typing something and deleting them. Please forgive me if my story do not fulfill your wish. //

I have never felt any love in the past.

I was abandoned by my father and mother when I was born.

I was put in a dark, humid alley. Some terrible inserts were crawling next to me. I cried and cried but no one paid attention to me.

I was saved by my step father but I was just given the chance of survival instead of the chance of living.

I was just treated as a tool to achieve his and his family's hope.

I lived without my mind, just like a zombie.

I was sent to do illegal things.

At first I would feel guilty when I have done something bad to someone I didn't know.

But I gradually got senseless to it as their losses could help me to escape from pain.

I was taught to not believe anyone and I truly agreed to it as trust leaded to betrayal.

I once wanted to struggle out from the hell.

I asked for help from the adults who said they would help me with friendly faces.

I couldn't discover the devil minds hidden under their friendly masks at that time, and I was betrayed and hit by my stepfather at last.

Looking at the blood and tears on the ground, I woke up from the dream which was full of optimism.

I swore that I would never believe anyone from that day.

And my hope was lost.

I thought I would live like this till I died.

However, I met a boy who was older than me a few years.

He told me to be a good man.

I laughed.

Did he has any mental illness? Shouldn't the normal people run away with fear and call the Police at once? Who would come to my front and ask me to correct my mistakes? Didn't he think that I would hurt him?

Subaru Yuki? Interesting.

Suddenly I remembered how I was betrayed by those adults.

In this world, everyone were selfish. They would only do something that benefited themselves.

Maybe he just wanted me to do something for him. Maybe he just saw me as a tool too.

My smile disappeared.

I stared at him, trying to look through his mask.

I looked at his eyes. His ocean-blue eyes calmed down my heart.

I have never seen any eyes which were as beautiful as them.

Pure and calm.

Just like the ocean which could tolerate everything, including my mistakes.

I felt my cold heart was getting softened.

I have a feeling that I could believe him, even I just met him.

Maybe... He would save me?

Therefore, I told him my name.

I wished that we could have any connection in the future.

After I left, I felt that my lost guilty came back.

I returned everything I stole back to the house.

I knew that I would be punished, but I didn't mind to face it.

Courage of struggling from the hell was acquired from a young boy which met for the first time.

He looked powerless and I didn't understand him at all. How could he help me?

But I still had a gamble on my future.

It sounded strange and funny at all.

As my prediction, I was almost killed by my step-parent. I was useless to them already, so they wanted to end my life.

Luckily I have prepared for it. I pretended to be dead, and they threw me to the somewhere as my plan.

This was an opportunity to escape.

I covered my wounds by my hands. Blood was flowing out through the gaps between my fingers.

I felt no pain at that moment as happiness filled my heart. I could feel freedom in the air. My blood was rushing out to express my excitement. Everything in my eyes were bounded by white light. I got satisfied when i stepped into the white world. I felt that I could also be accepted by this pure white color now.

Objects in front of me got blurred. My consciousness was fading away. My vision got black and white repeatedly. It made me aware of my body condition. My blood lost too much.

I knew I couldn't die.

I still wanted to have a new life as a human.

I struggled to stand out when my body was collapsing. I called out the name in my mind.

"Subaru Yuki..."

Would he appear? I didn't think so.

But he really appeared at last. He caught me and sent me to the hospital. I didn't bring me to the prison but he brought me to an idol school. He gave a new life as an idol.

Idol was a beautiful career. Idols enjoyed the bright colorful lights on the stage and performed for the people, making them smiles from their true hearts. I was so dirty. Could I be an idol too?

I had this question.

However, when I first stepped on the stage and bathed in the light, I got addicted to that feeling.

Joy. Excitement. Satisfaction.

I smiled brightly. I felt my heart beating, my blood flowing, my sweats dripping. These emotions were all new to me.

And at this moment, I did not want to leave the stage again. I wanted to live for the stage! I wanted to live for myself!

I felt thankful to Subaru as he gave me a new life. And I slowly found out his true heart.

He has never seen me as a tool but as a human.

He respected me. He cared for me. He helped me without asking for returns.

Because of him, I have friends for the first time.

My heart became warm as I have never being treated like this before. I felt love from him. And I slowly found out my love to him.

However, I slowly noticed that dangers have never left me. My stepfather seemed to discover that I was still survive. I was a danger to him, so he had to kill me.

I understood that my existence would bring him and my friends harms. I should leave to protect them, but I was selfish.

Once I have felt the warm, I was reluctant to leave.

I delayed my plan of leaving again and again.

I watched him and my friends being hurt because of me again and again.

I figured out an unknown feeling.

As I loved them, I must leave from them. I wanted to protect them. They deserved a better life without dangers and darkness.

Then, I finally determined to leave. I packed everything and decided to leave secretly at night. When I stepped out the school, he stopped me. He held my hands and promised to protect me.

I knew that he was serious from his sparkling eyes.

This was my first time to know that someone's eyes could be as bright as the stars in the sky.

I wanted to cry, but I stopped myself. I was not as weak as a normal girl. I needed to be strong enough to bear everything. I could not rely on him and asked him to be my shield.

But I still stayed.

He confessed to me later. His confession made me feel loved, at the same time it hurt one of my friend who loved him too.

She must hate me, I thought. However, when I was being kidnapped by my step father, she surprisingly tried to save me.

She told me, I was her best friend.

I could no longer hold my tears. I was a criminal. I was so selfish. I brought her and the others into dangers again and again. Didn't they hate me? Was I really deserved for a true love and true friendship?

When we were going to be killed, I looked at her face. Was she regretted now? She would have a better future if she didn't save me, even didn't meet me. But she smiled with tears. She must be reluctant to die in such a early age, but she never regretted to stay with me.

I was touched. We smiled at each other and closed our eyes to face the death.

Suddenly, someone saved us. The Police Force rushed in and killed my stepfather. We were safe but I needed to pay back what I have done in the past.

When I am now sitting in a small room in the detention center, I feel surprisingly free. I feel that the darkness in my blood is going to be purify by justice. I will no longer suffer from guilty.

There is a small window in the upper side of the wall. The sunlight comes into the room through the iron rods in the window and creates some bright rectangles on the ground.

I sit in the darker side and stare at the them, just like the dead men in the hell wishing to go to the heaven. The only difference is that I do not feel any pain.

I am not afraid of the punishment I deserved of. I just feel lonely.

I miss my light.

Once you find your light in your life, you will no longer be willing to give it up.