It took Hannah quite a while to come to terms with the fact that that terrifying nightmare was in fact real. On top of everything, it was a repressed memory and one that had spelled out something that had happened on more than one occasion. It was just beyond comprehension that she had actually gone through something like that but because it was such an awful experience at the time, her mind just kicked it into a little locked room in the back of her head and kept it there. Days stretched into weeks as Hannah continued to excel at the center and slowly deal with everything that had befallen her.

    Finally, after she had been there for exactly half of her stay, it was time to write forgiveness letters. Every member had to write a letter asking someone they had wronged while on drugs for forgiveness. The counselors told the group they could write letters to themselves too because too many times people took drugs to escape something that was lacking or bad within their own lives; which was something Hannah could relate to all too well.

    She had a hard time trying to figure out whom to write the letter to. She had spoken to the therapist during her individual session. At first she thought she should write the letter to Chris' parents but that didn't seem right to her. Though they had been there for her since she married Chris, she didn't feel like she had wronged them in any way and this letter had to come from the heart and mean something. Hannah was truly stuck as she struggled to figure out how to complete this important task as part of her recovery.

    Meanwhile, she had noticed that Caddie had been avoiding her and she didn't understand why. It seemed every time Hannah would even come into their room, Caddie was either in the bathroom or elsewhere and she would wait until Hannah was asleep to climb into bed. Hannah decided to give Caddie the space she needed and obviously wanted but she wasn't sure why her friend had grown so distant out of nowhere. So she decided to ask one of the counselors and was told that that was very typical when it was time to write the forgiveness letters.

    People would start to withdraw into themselves as they would start to figure out whom to write and what to say. The addicts would isolate and rarely speak to anyone even their friends and roommates. They would only speak to the therapist when they had their individual sessions; so Hannah shouldn't worry. It was quite a normal thing to have happen. Plus Hannah was still trying to figure who she would write her own forgiveness letter to.

    The day finally came when it was time to share the forgiveness letters with the group. Caddie, who Hannah hadn't spoken to for nearly a week, surprisingly volunteered to go first. The counselors said that they would do a letter a day because it was a very emotional experience for both the people that read theirs and for the listeners. This made perfect sense especially when Caddie stunned Hannah completely by telling everyone that her forgiveness letter was to Hannah. She moved her chair to face Hannah and with shaking hands, took the sheet of paper, and after clearing her throat, began to read:

"Dearest Hannah:

    I'm sure just hearing that this letter is addressed to you will be a shock but I knew I had no one else to apologize to for I had never hurt another living being in my whole life. I know you haven't told anyone but I will be the first to admit that I was the one who introduced you to meth. For that and many more things, I'm so very sorry. I was truly trying to help you in your desperate time of need. I was stupid to think that just one hit wouldn't turn one into an addict as attested here today.

    I'm sorry I didn't try to keep in touch with you after I got married and everything went south. You were the only real friend I've ever had even in college. We always had each other's backs but I feel I have truly let you down. You came and told me of your illness and I decided on trying the easy way out. I'm sorry you're ill, I'm sorry your husband is such a douche, I'm sorry I didn't have the wherewithal to take you by the hand and get us both into some form of therapy.

    Please forgive me for being the catalyst that started you on this nose dive that caused you to be in such great danger in that warehouse with Shanel and Randall. I never for one moment thought about the harm I was causing. You are so much stronger than I will ever be. I don't expect you to forgive me right away because I'm still working on forgiving myself for what I did or didn't do for you. Thank you for listening. I love you.

With faith and love,

Caddie"

    When she was finished there wasn't a dry eye in the room. Everyone was sobbing; even the counselors needed tissues to dab their eyes. It was a heartfelt and emotional letter that was honest to the very core. Caddie was truly seeking what she thought was redemption for making Hannah worse. Hannah got up and walked over to where Caddie was sitting and bent down to hug her.

"I forgive you Caddie. I never faulted you whatsoever. Everything happens for a reason and if I hadn't tried meth or become addicted to it, I would still have blinders on and a lot of good wouldn't have come out of it. Now you have to forgive yourself, promise?" Hannah said to Caddie who nodded her head emphatically and they hugged again.

    The whole interaction was very intense for the whole group and a man named John sitting next to Caddie gave her a tissue and smiled at her. He too had tears in his eyes when she was reading her letter. He patted her on the back afterwards. John stared at Caddie a lot when they were in group. It wasn't anything romantic as he told the therapist. Caddie just reminded him a lot of his late daughter. She had been killed 3 years before by a guy that was texting and driving and after that; the grief drove him to drinking and doing heroin. Now he was trying to get clean so he could preserve her memory. He also knew that she wouldn't want to see him killing himself over her passing.

    After that intense session, they broke for the day and an emotionally drained Caddie went back to her and Hannah's room while the latter decided to go for a walk in the park to get some fresh air and wrap her mind around everything she had just heard. It was a cloudy and gloomy day as she walked under the canopy of trees praying to figure whom to write her own letter to. She knew it would be her turn to share soon and she couldn't go in empty handed. She breathed in deeply as she became lost in thought.

    Suddenly, a beam of sunlight hit her from above and enveloped her whole body. She heard wind chimes, which was odd since the center didn't have any. They used to a long time ago but once they started treating addicts with delusions and paranoia, they got rid of the chimes to avoid anyone going mad from the constant clicking of the acoustic wind instruments. So to hear them now, didn't make any sense whatsoever.

    The sunlight streamed through her whole body and she felt in that instant, everything change. It was like every molecule in her body was moving around and growing. Her energy was replenishing itself as if she was a dried up plant that had water for the first time in eons. She'd never felt anything like that before in her whole entire life. To Hannah it seemed as if the universe as a whole had taken her in its arms and was holding her tightly, making her feel safe, secure, and well. In that moment of perfect clarity, she knew who she was going to write her forgiveness letter to.

    Walking back inside, she felt like she just had an out of body experience. It was mind blowing and life altering and though she had no idea what it meant for her distant future, at least she knew what she was going to do now. In the following day's therapy session she didn't mention her experience in the park the day before but she did mention that she was going to write the letter to herself. She realized that she was the only person she needed to forgive. She blamed herself for so many things that it was time to let them go; she was ready for that.

    She spent days writing her letter and even missed group one time so she could change and rewrite things. It wasn't a terribly long letter but she had to make sure she had written everything that would make sense to her. Finally, at the end of the week she was ready to read her letter to the group and the counselors. Sitting in her chair facing the group, she started reading:

"Dear Me:

    When I first started thinking about what to write and say to you, at first I didn't know because what could I write that you didn't already know? But this was different, you may know it but you aren't going to acknowledge yourself what was no fault of your own. Allow yourself to heal and understand what was and wasn't beyond your control. Remember the Serenity Prayer:

'God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.'

    Hannah, it's time to forgive yourself. Most of the things in your life were and are beyond your control. It wasn't your fault your parents died and left you an orphan. It wasn't your fault that you didn't see certain friends for what they were or weren't. It isn't your fault that you became ill with M.E. It isn't your fault that your estranged husband is a sexaholic loser who cheated on you with the walking STD every which way to Sunday. You aren't defective; he is and always will be.

You haven't let anyone down. It isn't your fault that you hit rock bottom after being betrayed by those you cared about most that you turned to meth. It wasn't the right choice but it was the only thing you could do to survive. It isn't your fault that you didn't know about Sister Grace's passing and burial. Don't kick yourself for things that you couldn't foresee or know because of secrets kept from you.

Let the burden of those who wronged you and made you make the choices you had to make to survive fall on them. Forgive yourself and allow yourself to heal from it all. Don't let this wound fester and become infected forever; let it scab over and grow new skin so that someday you can teach others everything you have learned. Thank those who have shown you what real love and friendship is like. Your parents, Sister Grace, the Mother Superior, Allen, Ralph and Courtney Peters, and even Caddie always had your back and have shown you love that you deserve.

Let the bad things flow away with the passing clouds along with repressed memories, nightmares, and other negative emotions. You are a being filled with love. Allow yourself the recovery from it all. Go in peace and with God always.

Love yourself,

Hannah"

    Her letter was longer then Caddie's but it was a powerhouse of a statement. One could have heard a pin drop as people absorbed what she had written. Then suddenly Hannah heard a voice behind her say:

"I am so proud of you, my child." Hannah whirled around to see the Mother Superior standing there near the open door with tears in her eyes. From behind the door came another voice:

"And so am I." It was Allen. The two of them stood there looking proudly at Hannah.

    The therapist had called them both when he heard that Hannah was going to write the letter of forgiveness to herself; he figured it would be a great reaffirmation to her in what she was doing if the two of them were present. Usually they didn't allow outsiders into group therapy sessions but this time they made an exception considering what Hannah was working on. Every case was different and hers certainly required a different approach than the others.

    She dropped her letter and ran over to both of them, hugging them individually. She even kissed Allen in front of everyone without hesitation as everyone aww'd at them. Her heart and strength had grown 5 times that afternoon and it all started from that day in the woods when the sun finally came out just for her. The path on the road to healing had begun.