College

It's annoying. Tbh, I could barely care less. Especially when my mental state is slowly deteriorating with this whole pandemic thingy.

It's supposed to be a normal thing now. We've faced the problem indirectly since the start of the year.

But no. I have a very very big fear of going out and getting the virus.

It's almost irrational at this point.

Members of my family had to go out everyday to search for money, and yet I can't even step outside without feeling paranoid of everything.

I dunno about having OCD, but I certainly have the symptoms of it. But not an extreme one. I did have a very meticulous way of doing some specific things and some fear of bacteria, but not enough to be described as so.

I don't want to leave my house. And sometimes even my room.

I want to stay in my bed all day, just laughing at seventeen and funny videos.

But no. The time has come for me to attend college.

College is... not what I expected.

It felt as if I'm not in the right place. Not like I've ever felt I belong somewhere in an educational environments.

Like why am I doing this?
Why does my laptop like this?
What did I do wrong to be bestowed upon this?
I can't handle my own self, how am I supposed to help others?

I broke down for the first time in college.

It's overwhelming, how big does my sense of responsibility are also clinging to my neck with each problem I had. Tighter and tighter.

Suffocating me till I can't breathe.

I have a mini hyperventilation and just cried like a baby when my laptop just gave up on me mid college.

Btw, what does drawing blank and drifting off mid talking or mid watching a video called? Is it dissociating?

I know the term is used for people with DID, but I don't know if it's used for others too.

I guess it's not wrong. I thought I'm just very imaginative and spending too much time with myself that I sometimes just drift off inside my mind running a hundred miles per hour.

But it's not wrong either to say if I'm diassociating between reality and imagination.

I'm so weak. So vulnerable. So gullible, so scared. So incapable of taking care of myself.

Don't worry btw, me putting myself down are not a daily thing. It's to put me straight into my place.

Running away from everything ain't gonna fix nothing.

I just..... I can't have things the way I wanted them to.

It's painful. I need an outlet, but writing takes a toll to me. It's not as fun as it used to be.

I'm eternally grateful for all of the people that are still reading, voting, and putting my stories on their library.

But at the same time I can't force myself to write something I'm going to regret.

My writing reflects my inner self. And sometimes I'm not aware of it until I read it again at later time.

I'm ranting off to nothing, but yeah. I hoped things will get better