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I have been finding ways to address "this feeling". However, whenever the name of this vague feeling is on the tip of my tongue, as a natural instinct, I then swallow it, and that word drop into my stomach. The only way which I can spit that word out, is to vomit, which is not safe, but it doesn't kill me so anyway. 

It is currently 3 AM in the morning, and I just spontaneously wanted to write something so bad that despite my sleepiness, I still got up and wrote something. For the whole day, all I do was watching random videos on all social media platforms and forgot about everything else, the motive behind this was because I just had an exhausting week with all the Mid-term exams, and I had been studying so hard that this week literally sucked all of my energy. Therefore, I needed rest, and today was an awesome day because I am now fully-recharged and feeling so much better. 

Not only did I watch random videos, sleep, and eat, I also read back all of my old diaries which was written in those sleepless nights many years ago, which was a funny thing because all of them made me realize: I haven't change at all. 

Everything I have done in the past, from studying desperately to get into my dream highschool, to attending so many competitions just for the sake of fulfillment, and now studying abroad. Everything was just like a dream, but the only thing that still stay the same after all those thing is my feeling: Unfulfillment - which I thought I should have got it by now but I didn't. Everything I do is just for a show, and just for the need of belonging and recognition, and after everything, deep down, I am still not happy of myself. Sometimes, when I have nothing to do and my inner voices start getting louder than ever. In those moments, I am genuinely shocked because of how evil they are. Not only then do I realize how cruel and strict I am on myself, and I really need to love and cherish myself more. 

_ 

I had a sister.

I genuinely mean that when I say I used to have a sister. Well, we were biologically sisters because our parents gave birth to her first and then me. However, we grew apart as we grew up since we had taken turns to become international students in two different countries. Since my biological sister had studied abroad, I always went alone and lived my life independently back in Vietnam, and sometimes I was just so into my own world and disconnected to everyone else that I forget I had a sister, which was actually crazy. Nevertheless, it felt fine, to not have a sister, and to be alone. Although sometimes it was undeniably extremely lonely. 

Until I met Rosie. 

Rosie was my online friend when I was still in Vietnam. Actually, I couldn't cast my mind back to when we started talking. But it was probably nearly two years ago when we first talked. At the time, I was a newly enrolled student at high school for the Gifted and Rosie was packing her things to turn a new life's chapter in Germany. We didn't talk much, probably just casual friends. However whenever I talked to her, I always felt lighter and more comfortable. 

Rosie, although she was not my biological sister, she always succeeded in making me feel like home. 

I couldn't stop crying when I met her for the first time, when I finally landed in Germany after months of struggling for my dream of studying abroad. Rosie, she was the one who had been there and seen all of my struggles, she encouraged me and even stood by me when I was at my lowest. There are no words could describe my gratitude to meet a person like her. The funniest part is, after everything, I am still struggling. I guess that just how life goes. Now that I am in such a stressful state preparing for my Mid-term exam, I still ask Rosie for help and she has never failed in delivering words of affirmation (and spitting facts). Whenever I talk to her, there is always something, which I cannot describe, that always calms me down. I guess that how it feels when you have somebody to understand and acknowledge of your feelings. 

The image above was one of the screenshots I had taken when I chatted with her about my worries. In the text, she basically told me that the Mid-term exam didn't matter and it should not be causing me so much stress. She knew that my biggest goal right now was to win the school's scholarship, "but even if you didn't win"- She said-"No one would think of you as a failure". Well, those words touched my heart. I guess I became emotional when she said those words because my whole life, I have been chasing praise and non-stop acknowledgement from other people. If not acknowledgement, then I would compare myself to others and self-criticized. When she said that, I realized that I had been so strict on myself and I needed to forgive and listen to my body more. I guess, that was true. Somehow, from being panic, her texts calmed me down and helped me to have the best sleep in the whole week. 

I went to bed at midnight (12AM to be more precise), with the primary intention of having a smooth 6 hours of sleep. However, I couldn't bare myself to sleep since my anxiety had fucked up my sleeping routine. Therefore, I decided to write something in order to calm me down. To summarize everything, I just want to express my biggest gratitude to Rosie. For me, she is more than just a friend, she is my sister.