Tw: Self harm, Suicide, Bad thoughts, Fighting, Mentions of lack of eating, There is a lot ok just- Read with caution

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"What did you do to yourself?"

The words stung his ears, the headache growing in his head as he dealt with the shouting. He wanted to shout back, but, he couldn't. He wanted to. But he couldn't.

He wanted to get rid of this shouting, as much as he tried to block it out he physically couldn't. All the shouting was making him dizzy, He sat back and shut his eyes in an attempt to block it all out to no avail. He grabbed his knees and pulled them too his chest, sighing and covering his ears before remembering one thing. It was in his head, it wasn't a real person.

It was them.

Now he doesn't have a specific name for them. We just call them, well, them. They would come every now and again to bug Xisuma about how his existence is useless and how, even his boyfriend and friends, didn't love or care about him. In reality they did but it went downhill from there.

They started shouting about how, if X was to just, disappear off of all his group chats and leave everything alone, then no one would notice. As much as he didn't want to believe this he had little to no choice,

"If i- i do then... then will you stop- stop shouting at me?" As X spoke, his voice was unmistakeably shaky and full of fear. If anyone was to walk into his small room, equipped with only a mattress and the floor being the holder of most of his items having not the attention span to clear it up, they would notice the tears forming in the young boys eyes as he sat there talking to seemingly himself.

When they agreed he sighed and lay down, grabbing his phone and hesitating as he blocked almost everyone in his contacts. Of course with one or two exceptions. Those two exceptions being Etho and Keralis. Of course the two he chose to keep contact with was his boyfriend and best friend.

His other friends however got blocked. As much as he hated it, he had no say in the matter. He then went and left all the group chats he was in. Exception to one that he was in with Etho where they messed about and did funny things together.

Once he did he threw his phone and pulled his knees to his chest, closing his eyes to try stop the tears that started to flow down his face. After a couple of minutes he looked up, something catching his eye. 

He immediately sat up and grabbed it, unscrewing the screw keeping the small sharp blade stuck in place. Eventually, he just snapped it in half and grabbed it. X sat back and rolled up the sleeve, revealing scars from yesterday, and others from months back varying in dates.

X sighed, not looking as he drug the blade across a patch of skin untouched from the previous harm, dragging it all the way across his arm until he could feel the sticky blood dripping down his arm. He didn't cry, he didn't flinch, he didn't even make a sound. He just kept making cut after cut, some deep and some that didn't even draw a drop of blood.

After a couple of minutes he grabbed a towel off the floor and used it to harshly wipe away the blood, a sting from the feeling of the rough fibres dragging through the freshly cut flesh. He put down the towel just to pick it back up again when he spotted his arm going a dark red again.

As he wiped away the blood, he noticed the skin was pale and every time he wiped it away, less and less would come away from it. Eventually, he lay back and just let himself be taken by the pain and curled up before passing out in his room.

At least no one would wonder where he is now.

Time skip to about, the same time but the next day cause lazy boy

Xisuma woke up in the darkness of the night. He checked his phone using the arm that wasn't numb from the constant abuse he threw at it. He saw 5 notifications. 1 from Keralis, and 4 from Etho.

'<Keralis> Hey, shiswammy? Are you okay? You left all the group chats and Joe told me you blocked him and a couple other people too.'

He replied with a simple "I'm fine" before looking at Etho's messages and sighing.

'<Etho> X? Are you okay?'
'<Etho> Please answer me'
'<Etho> Hey X, I love you, what's going on'
'<Etho> I have to go to bed now, but please answer me..'

X answered with "I'm fine, love you too" before putting his phone on the floor next to his mattress and looking at the pale, but numb feeling arm he had. He grabbed a bandage and threw it on his arm before going and looking in the kitchen for something to eat.

As he walked down the stairs he was visibly tired and upset. His parents asked if he was okay and he gave them a weak smile, walking into the kitchen and looking in the cupboard.

Of course there is only pasta and noodles. That's all they buy isn't it. 

He sighed and shut the cupboard grabbing a cup with his left arm, his right arm still being very numb, filling it with water instead. I mean, Joe and Cleo weren't there to stop him from not eating now were they? 

He sat at the table, looking at the laptop and scrolling through old stories he's read. After a while he got up and went onto minecraft, I mean videos had to be made whether he was upset or not.

The moment he joined the game, first message in chat was-

<JoeHills™> Xisuma! Are you okay??

<Xisumavoid> I'm fine. Why'd you ask?

He already knew the answer to that, but act dumb and they'll leave you alone as they say. Or I think it's a bit different but that's they saying they told X. 

Joe kept trying to talk to X until he eventually just gave up and decided to come off games for the day. He took off the headset and turned off the lights, sitting in the dark and listening to the rain as it pattered down the window and onto the patio outside.

Xisuma decided to go outside and sit on the grass, lying down and looking up at the sky as the rain fell onto his face and dripped down the side of his face. As he sat in complete silence they decided to come and bug X. 

Hello Xisumavoid
What do you want
Oh nothing, just to remind you of how useless your existence it
You don't need to, me and this rain are doing just fine without you
Well I'm here anyway, isn't that fun?
No
Do you not like my existence?
Nope
Well good, cause I don't like yours either 
I know that
Well then, why don't you save me a job and just disappear
Cause Etho, Joe, Cleo, they will all get mad at me
They want you dead too ya know
No they don't
Of course they do, who wouldn't?
No idea, but at least thanks to you I don't have them forcing their eating habits onto me
See I do good things for you
Sure
But like, they only make you eat cause they think it's important
I know right, it's annoying
Just like you
Don't remind me..
I just did
Just, why can't you leave me alone?
Cause I'm trying to get you to stop bothering everyone
Go bother someone else
Nah, anyway. Don't you wanna go talk to your bOyFrIeNd
Nope
Why ever not?
You even said, he doesn't care
Oh well, may as well go give him a final message goodbye
Okay fine. But if I do you have to tell me how I'm supposed to disappear ok?
Deal

He got up as the rain started to become softer, slumping into the house and going upstairs again. He grabbed a towel and dried off his hair. The rain had made it sorta damp so that was probably a good idea. X went to his room and shut the door, stepping over his clothes to get to the mattress and sit down.

He noticed a message from Doc, and of course, it was like the world was against him. He talked with him about how he loved Etho, not Doc, but of course manipulation got the better of him and he ended up being coaxed into it. 

Involuntarily.

He sighed and pulled up Etho's and his private messages. 

<Xisumavoid> Hey i uh.. i need to talk to you about something<Xisumavoid> It's kinda important..

Etho was offline, good for X, but he had to wait. While he did he sat looking at the blade across the room. He watched it, time flying as if it didn't exist when he heard the small notification sound come from his phone. Etho's messaged back. He immediately felt regret run over his head as he typed.

<EthosLab> Hey uhm, What's up?
<Xisumavoid> It's just
<Xisumavoid> Something
<Xisumavoid> Important
<EthosLab> Ok Go ahead
<Xisumavoid> Can we uh like.. just be friends?
<EthosLab> Oh
<EthosLab> As long as it make's you happier that way, then i'm ok with it
<Xisumavoid> Mmok

Once X turned off his phone he noticed how he had been crying that whole time. He immediately curled into a ball, shaking and squeezing his eyes shut. He scratched at his knees in an attempt to calm him but if anything it made it worse. His breathing went out of sync and his world started to somewhat shatter around him. Everything he had known just had disappeared in a single message that he had sent.

After about an hour of this, trying to calm himself down to no avail, another notification ping was heard.

<Tango> Hi, are you okay?
<Xisumavoid> Yeah, I'm fine
<Tango> What did you do?
<Xisumavoid> I mean i broke up with Etho but that isn't that important 
<Tango> Excuse me, WHAT
<Xisumavoid> I- uh- I just said what I did-
<Tango> ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND
<Xisumavoid> ....
<Tango> Why did you do that?
<Xisumavoid> They don't care about me so I saved them a job
<Tango> Yeah, you are out of your mind
<Xisumavoid> I'm gonna go i have something to do
<Tango> *sigh* ok

After Xisuma put down his phone again, he stared across the room at the small blade across the room again. They were telling him to go and get it, use it, just die already, but he didn't. Why? Cause he didn't want to worry others. He knew if he stopped coming online and stopped reading their messages. 

Instead, he sat and listened to music. But in a way that others could see what he was listening to. He listened and listened until he fell asleep, letting the songs play on.
As his mum walked in to turn off the lights, the faint sound of music could be heard filling the room from Xisuma's headphones.

Lyrics faintly distinguishable as, "Teach me how to be o-" before the phone battery died and X, who was left unmoved, just let out a weak sounding breath. 

A couple of hours later, Xisuma woke up again. He curled into a ball and whimpered. His arm hurt. His head hurt. His legs hurt. Everything hurt. He reached out and grabbed his phone to find a lot of notifications. Mainly from people asking what had happened between him and Etho.

He groaned and shut off his phone, sitting up and grabbing some water. As he sipped from his water bottle he could hear faint shouting from downstairs. Great, mum and stepdad are arguing again.

He lay back and listened to the arguing downstairs, listening to the occasional whimper from Ex's room whenever the shouting got louder. X got up and opened his door, looking across the hall into the other's room and signalling for him to come to him. Ex immediately got up and walked down the hall to his brother, eyes screwed shut and hands on his ears.

Ex was pulled into X's room and the door was shut quickly, some of the shouting drained out as they stepped over the clothes to get to the mattress. X sat down and Ex sat next to him, hands still covering his ears as X hugged him close in an attempt to comfort Ex.

As X moved his own hands to cover Ex's ears for him, he listened out at the shouting and sighed.

"Well it isn't my fault that you have a son who is messed up in the head!!
"Look, I didn't ask to have him you know."
"You could have gotten rid of him, send him to his idiot Dads then"
"No! His Dad is literally married to a slut Bruce! You think I want him to have it worse off than he already does!"

After a while of this, it started to die down. Ending with X's stepdad storming out the house and going on a walk to calm himself down leaving the brothers mum trying to figure out what to do and Ex sleeping in X's lap.

X decided to let Ex sleep and lay him down on the mattress, laying a duvet over him and getting up. He walked over to go to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. In the mirror he saw a tired, messy, red face from the lack of sleep and raise in tears.

When he left the room, he went back to his bedroom and sat next to the peacefully sleeping Ex who had occupied his bed. He lay back against the wall and pulled the hood of his hoodie up, grabbing his phone and powering it on. 

While he waited, he sung quietly to himself with tears starting to form in his eyes again. He quietly and faintly sung some lines as he typed in his password.

"I wish that I was good enough, If only I could be woke up, I wish you cared a little more, I wish you told me this before"

He sighed and opened discord, looking at the 3 messages from Keralis and the 1 from Etho then responding.

<Keralis> Hey Shishwammy, you good? Haven't seen you almost all day @w@
<Keralis> Xisuma? please respond, everyone is worried sick about you
<Keralis> Please? Just a sign? I'm kinda freaking out...

<Xisumavoid> Well, uh, hi then I guess?

Now that was done, too see what Etho wanted.

<EthosLab> Yo X

<Xisumavoid> What do you want?

He put his phone down and grabbed his water bottle, singing to himself again as he waited for a response from either friend.

"It's gonna hurt for a bit of time, so bottoms up lets forget tonight. It'll be alright"
"And it's too cold for you here, so let me hold both your hands in the holes of my sweater"
"Can we, can we surrender"
"I've been starving, carving skin until my bones are showing"
"I wanna be ok"

After a while of singing some songs that he felt had meaning to them, even though others just dismissed it as normal songs that anyone listens to, he stood up and went downstairs. He sat at the laptop to write some things down, mainly writing into a chat to himself.

'I just
Feel useless
I can't do anything right
I won't be enough
I LITERALLY GOT FORCED INTO BREAKING UP WITH SOMEONE AND I COULDN'T DO SHIT ABOUT IT
Why am I like thiiiis
I hate myself
I hate everyone'

Once he shut his laptop he grabbed a drink, going upstairs to his room to find Ex had gone back to his own room again and left X alone in his room. He sat in the dark for a while, scratching at his legs and telling himself how much of a mistake he was and how much of a bother he was to everyone else.

That is when they came back to taunt X again and annoy him.

Why hello there X.
What?
That was rude.
I'm not in the mood for this, I have a headache, I hate myself, I hate my life, I just want to dissapear.
Then why don't you?
Cause I don't know how.
I'm sure I could help you.
Oh yeah? and what are you supposed to do about it. Considering you are the reason I am like this anyway it'll be pretty hard for you to help.
Well, just, die.
That will just cause other people to be upset for the cost of my happiness.
What makes you think anyone would even notice?
They would notice if a teenager just disappeared all of a sudden.
Well they wouldn't care you know. 
I know.
Then why don't you do it? Are you just to cowardly to take your own life? You know doing that will be doing a favour for others. 
No it wouldn't..
Yes, it would, maybe then Doc will leave you alone too. Cause you would be dead.
You and Doc are two of the many reason's I am such an idiot you know.
You're the one who falls for what he says.
I guess, but you played part in me being forced to break up with probably the only person in the world who cares about me.
Sure sure, just go away already.
You are the one who came to me!
Okay whatever.

And it stopped.

The voice just disappeared.

Just like he wanted to.

Once again looking around his room his eyes caught onto the blade. He grabbed it and sighed, remembering the promise he made with himself before breaking it and digging the sharp object into one of his existing scars and making it open, larger, deeper, anything to make the emotional pain bleed out along with the deepening cuts.

He pulled the blade away and felt himself getting light headed as he dug into the soft flesh again to draw a couple of drops of blood. Of course, the constant abuse to his arm had to endure caused a lack of blood to drip down his arm. 

This, understandably, annoyed X causing him to lash at his arm more. Trying to get more and more blood out. Eventually, his mind was spinning so much he physically couldn't lift his arm to hurt himself more and decided to lay back. He muttered a small "I'm sorry" before smiling and giving in.

And as if on cue, the sound in the room went quiet. His chest stopped rising and falling, his dry sounding breaths no longer surrounded the room, it was just... silent.

Tears no longer fell from X's slowly paling face, blood no longer dripped from the self abuse on his arm, the room was just lifeless.

Literally.

About a couple minutes later he received a message, then another, followed by another, all from Etho. 

A sick feeling had flooded Etho's stomach and so he decided to message X's phone. The less of a response, the more of worry started to overwhelm him. After about half hour of messaging X every couple of minutes he broke down crying. He knew what happened, he felt it, and he hated he couldn't do anything. He read back on the messages he had sent to see if a reply had been sent but no.

<EthosLab> Xisuma?!
<EthosLab> X answer me
<EthosLab> Please
<EthosLab> ...X?
<EthosLab> Pleasepleaseplease answer me
<EthosLab> Please X, I love you, please answer me
<EthosLab> Xisuma please
<EthosLab> I'm sorry...
<EthosLab> Please give me just a bit of hope..
<EthosLab> Please...
<EthosLab> Anything...


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hehe now to wait for the comments of people hating me for killing X :>

I'm fine, don't worry ok
I also put little to no effort into this so yes
Dazza lotta words- 3233 words woooah