Dillion

I can't sleep. Dreams of Olivia drowning keep flooding my mind. That fear has my heart racing. Each time I'd seen her go under, and then there was that last time she didn't resurface. I still can't believe I found her. She was down pretty deep. There was zero visibility, but I refused to give up. I couldn't let things end that way. I desperately wanted a chance to make things right.

Relief empowered my tired limbs as I got us both back to shore, but then Olivia wouldn't wake up. I hardened my resolve. I had to see those beautiful eyes open again. Giving up on her was not an option. I swear I willed her back to life. I know it was childish not to stand aside when the paramedics came and Doug said he had her.

Doug. I don't see it. He's so not her type. A sports jock. Really, Kitten? That's who you've replaced me with. Perhaps she's trying to get as far away from me as possible. She couldn't possibly pick someone more polar opposite to me than that guy.

My chat with Doug on the pier was interesting. He seems like a nice enough guy. He obviously cares about Olivia, but he could never love her as I would. Some guys have passion and some guys don't. He definitely is not the passionate type, but perhaps he doesn't need to be. I'm certain Olivia has enough passion to compensate for what he lacks. I adored that part of her nature.

A groan escapes my lips when I think of Olivia and Doug together that way. I hate it. It makes me cringe. It makes me feel violent. I just want to pummel the guy and tell him to stay the hell away from my girl, but she's not my girl not anymore.

Olivia has changed quite a bit. That outfit. It's like she's flaunting her sexiness. She would never have done that before. She never had the need. That thought made me pause... What would cause her to feel like she had to do it? That was a question I didn't want to think about.

It's not wrong. She's beautiful, her dark skin, her light eyes, she knew exactly what would show off her figure to its fullest advantage. Guess she's been practicing. Did I drive her to become this way?

I didn't get to think much more on this as a blood-curdling scream came from the basement. I was shocked to realize I was the only one who heard it as no one else responded. Maybe it wasn't as loud as I thought, but it sounded like someone in anguish.

I take the steps two at a time down two flights of stairs, slipping on the second set and nearly breaking my neck. I stand up to see Bright Eyes in the middle of some nightmare. I call out his name, he doesn't respond. I begin to shake him. I dodge a punch and restrain him. He finally wakes up.

"What the...?!" He looks dazed and confused. He tries to move but I still have Alex pinned.

"Dude!" I let him go. "The way you were screaming I thought someone was murdering you down here. What the hell is going on?"

He scrambles to sit up. "I'm sorry. Did I wake everyone?"

"No, just me." I really didn't like what I saw just now.

He searches my face and body before he asks, "I didn't hurt you, did I?"

"I nearly took one to the jaw. You always like this when you sleep?"

"I haven't had an episode like this for months. I guess what happened today triggered some memories for me. I'm sorry."

Now I'm concerned on several levels. He said episodes as if this happens often. "You've been like this around Cat?"

"Yes, but not since we... well, when we fall asleep together, I feel calmer and I don't dream of..."

His eyes fill with tears as the shadows of whatever he was experiencing threaten to take hold of him again. I hold up my hands. "Okay, relax." I really hope Alex pulls it together. I don't think I could deal with him bawling right now.

He takes a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself.

I wondered... "Is this about your brother?"

He nods his head yes.

"You want to talk about it?"

He looks worn out. "Not really, no."

I respect that. "Okay." If this is a flashback or some sort of PTSD... Alex talked me off the ledge earlier this evening, I wanted to return the favor but I don't know where to begin. I feel the tension in the back of my neck and rub it. "I feel like I should do something?"

"It's okay, Dillion. I'm sorry I woke you. It... shouldn't happen again."

The way he said it didn't sound very reassuring, but what could I do. "Yeah, okay." I head for the stairs, but I couldn't let the thought go. I look back. "Alex, you need to talk to someone. If not me or to Cat then talk to a professional of some kind. I've seen Vets in the shelters go through something like that, sometimes the teens at my shelter, too. The ones I know who have been on the streets too long and have seen things a child should never see. You need help."

He still looked hesitant. I had to drive this point home. "If not for you... do it for Cat and the baby. You need to get your head straight if you're going to be there for them."

He frowns at me. I know he may ignore this if it was just about him but...

"I'll look into it when I get back."

Relieved I nod. "It's a little after three in the morning, try and get some sleep. Visiting hours start at nine at the hospital. Cat is going to want to be there when the doors open up."

"Yeah, okay," Alex said, as I head back to my room.

One the way I decide for everyone in the household I should make a detour. I knock on the door to Cat's room.

"Alex?" she asks from the darkness.

"Dillion," I corrected.

"Dillion?" Cat turned on her bedside table lamp. She looks at the alarm clock and rubs her eyes.

"It's 3 in the morning, Dillion. Everything okay?"

"Not really. Your fiancé had a... nightmare."

This got her attention and she sits up. "Alex!" Cat immediately throws the covers back and gets out of bed. I stop her before she can walk past me.

"How long has this been going on?"

She looks at where my hand had hold of her wrist but I did not relinquish my hold. Not until I got some answers.

She sighed heavily. With a slight shrug, she told me, "The entire time I've known him. It's not a nightmare. His brother..." Cat pauses, I guess she is trying to decide if this is information I should know. I admire her loyalty.

"I won't ask you for details but Cat he nearly clocked me back there. I'm way stronger than you, have you given any thoughts to what might happen if he has an episode when he's with you."

"That's just it. He doesn't have them when I'm with him. For months I'd seen him struggle but somehow when I'm there, he feels... safe."

"Shouldn't that be the other way around?" I get that I sound a bit sexist here but hell, this was my baby sister.

Cat's chin juts out and her eyes narrow. I'm in trouble. "It is the other way around. We look out for each other." She pulls her hand from my grasp. "Now get out of my way so I can get to him."

I graciously step aside and wave for her to leave and she does. I'm worried about her but she's right it's not my place to interfere. I get back to bed, out of sheer exhaustion I sleep though it was a fitful rest.

In the morning I wasted no time getting dressed. I figured my sister may need me to distract my parents should either of them be up. I doubted she'd consider getting up early to make sure she was back in her room in time. Her only thoughts were for Alex.

Also, I was desperate for some coffee. Imagine my surprise when I come to find Alex and my Dad in cheerful conversation in the kitchen. I reach for the coffee and pour myself a cup.

"You're up early. And you're dressed," my dad said surprised as he knows I'm a slow mover most mornings. "What brought this on?" There is a note I can't quite place in his voice-tension, disapproval, anger? A combination of all three?

It's too early for confrontation. I couldn't think of what I could have possibly done to piss him off this early in the morning. I take a long, slow sip of my coffee before saying, "No reason."

"You certain it doesn't have anything to do with what happened on the beach last night?" My dad stares through me, daring me to lie to him, but I see no point, but I won't be baited into an argument either.

"Not sure what you mean?"

His anger has his face turning red and I believe I can see his nostrils flaring. He should really watch his blood pressure. "You know damn right well what I mean, Dillion. And I hope you plan to stay away from that situation, FAR away."

I really didn't need this shit right now. This coffee isn't near strong enough. I lean against the counter. "How I choose to live isn't up to you anymore," I remind him.

He slams his cup on the counter. Here we go. Coffee splashes out. I know he's burnt his hand but he's too macho to react. "Damn it, Dillion! Do you think your Mother and I want to see you go down that road again? Haven't you put us through enough? You're here with us now. You've got a stable job. You've made a life for yourself and what about Brittany?"

So, he went straight for the guilt trip. Well, that technique stopped working years ago, however bringing up Brittany was a low blow.

"What about her?" I asked keeping my voice level and calm. My father looks like he's about to lose it. He hates when he can't get the better of me.

"You really going to throw that girl aside for that... that..."

He's about to take this to a whole new level, one I know he's not prepared for. I put my cup down and straighten up. I can feel my anger welling up inside of me wanting to explode. "Don't... finish... that sentence."

"Fine! But I'm warning you, Son. You go down this path again with her and we are through with you. You understand me? There will be no taking you back this time. I won't have you breaking your mother's heart like that again, never again."

And we're back to the guilt trip. I'm grateful he didn't decide to push things further. I grab my coffee and take another long sip to hide my smile. Of course, he brings up breaking my mother's heart. It's the only leverage he has since he doesn't have one.

"Noted."

"I'm going to see if your mother is awake." So, he's making a quick retreat. Good for him, guess in his own way, this is him trying. However, I'm still aggravated so my attention turns to the only other person in the room. The "innocent" bystander to this little performance.

"Why did you tell him?"

"What?"

Alex seems surprised to be on this side of my anger, nearly dumbfounded. I speak slower so my words can sink in.

"Why would you tell him about Olivia, Alex?"

He squirms under my gaze. "I didn't mean to tell him. It just came out when we were talking this morning. He came to my room to ask me to go to the club with him and well... Cat was there, hiding behind the bar. I was nervous and screwed up, okay?"

So, this was the closest I was going to get to an apology. I drain my cup and put it in the sink. "Next time, stick to screwing up your own life and stay out of mine."

Alex looked like he wanted to say something but Cat came into the room. Since she didn't come in guns blazing to "protect" her man, it's evident she didn't hear what was going on. I walk over and kiss her cheek.

"Ready whenever you are, sis."

"Wow! Up, dressed and ready to go this early in the morning? I'm impressed."

Her words bring a smirk to my lips. "Anything for you, Tiger."

"Just let me grab a quick bite to eat and we can get on the road."

"Sounds good. I'll be up in my room if you need me." Best place to avoid everyone.

"Okay." Cat waves me off like I'm now dismissed and I retreat to my bedroom. Thankfully, Cat wasn't wasting any time either and soon we were on the road to the hospital.

Everyone was quiet in the car. I half wondered if Alex ratted me out to Cat and that's why I was receiving the cold shoulder from them both. However, that would mean Alex betrayed my trust and told Cat about Olivia and he's not the type. Frankly, I was grateful for the silence as I had no idea what I would say to Olivia once I saw her again, it gave me time to think. I hope and pray she's okay.

After we parked, we made our way to the front desk to find out what floor Olivia was being kept on. Cat pulled us into the gift shop on our way to the elevators wanting to get her best friend a gift. In seconds, she has flowers and a balloon in hand that she tied around the vase.

As Alex and I wait for her to ring out, I notice a stuffed cat. It's an orange tabby with big blue eyes. Olivia always wanted one but her parents wouldn't allow it. They wouldn't allow just about anything that would make her happy it seemed. I picked it up and made my purchase after Cat.

We get on the elevator and I follow Cat to Olivia's room. She knocks on the door even though it's open. "Olivia? Can I come in?"

"Sure!" Came her eager reply. Olivia was sitting up in bed. She looked exhausted but that was still worlds better than when we left her. Cat rushed over to give Olivia her gift. I suddenly felt awkward about giving her mine. What if she rejects it?

"Oh, they're beautiful! Thank you!"

Cat placed them on the table next to Olivia, the second their eyes met Cat burst into tears, surprising all of us.

"Oh, Cat." Olivia's eyes glazed over with unshed tears and she pulled Cat in for a hug.

"I'm sorry to be such a big baby. But the thought of losing you..."

Cat cried even harder as she spoke the words I desperately wanted to say. At that moment, Olivia's eyes met mine as if she knew what I was thinking.

"We are all glad to know you're doing okay. You are okay? Right?" I asked.

She nodded her head and her eyes lower to the cat in my hands. I had to resist the urge to take my place by her side. I laid the cat on the bed by her feet.

Cat pulled away and stood up. "I'm so, sorry." She grabbed some tissues and began wiping her eyes. "This pregnancy makes me more emotional and it's harder to stop crying once I get started. I swore I would hold it together but I was just so happy to see you sitting up and looking so well." Another sob escapes and Alex puts his arm around her. Cat smiles at him. Looks like they really do look out for one another.

"I'm good, really, Cat. They just gave me the report my lungs look clear. My throat is still a little raw. Worst of it is the sting developed this wicked rash that itches like crazy."

Olivia pulled back the cover and I cringe. The rash caused her skin to blister around the areas she was stung. Even on her dark skin, I could see the bruising.

"Is it supposed to look like that?" I asked.

Olivia sighed. "Yeah. It can take weeks to go away. It's annoying but not deadly. They are going to hook me up with an antiseptic that I'll have to use like three times a day and hopefully, I'll be good. Who knows, maybe I'll get a cool scar from it."

I know she's trying to make light of the situation but it was hard to smile thinking she was somehow damaged by the incident.

"Will you all stop? I'm here. I'm alive. Today is a good day."

Olivia was right of course. Still, it was hard to see. I pulled the cover back over her leg. I want to touch her, to tamp down this feeling of need, and reassure myself that she's okay, but I can't.

Olivia reached out for the cat but couldn't quite make it. I grab it and hand it to her. Our hands touched when she took it from me. I was wrong, touching her only makes the feeling worse.

"Thank you," her eyes peek out at me over the stuffed toy. She gives it a hug.

I try to calm my emotions. "You're welcome, Kitten." I can't take much more of this, it hurts to be here pretending I'm a stranger. As I go to walk away, Olivia grabs my hand and I freeze on the spot.

"The cat is adorable but I mean... thank you... for saving my life out there. Doug told me what you did."

The joy I felt popped like a balloon at the mention of her boyfriend. As if summoned, I hear...

"Did someone say my name? Got your clothes, Babe, from the apartment. So, you're all set for when they discharge you."

And here is where the charade ends. I give Olivia's hand a squeeze and back off. So much regret, it's suffocating. Doug leans over to kiss her. I can't bear to witness it. I need to get out of here.

"I'm going to grab some coffee. I'll meet you both in the waiting room." I pause momentarily before finding a lame excuse. "So, Cat can have some time to talk. I'm... grateful you're doing well... Olivia. Take care." And with those words, I walked out of that room and her life. There is no place for me.

I find the cafeteria and get some strong coffee, the stronger, the better. My head keeps replaying the way that Olivia looked at me when she thanked me for saving her. I remember that expression, that look of awe and admiration. I used to feel like I could do anything when she'd stare at me that way.

I rub my chest, the pain, the ache, refuses to go away.

"Hey."

Alex. The guy just had to follow me. Probably thinks I'm going to do something stupid. "I'm fine. They don't sell liquor in the hospital cafeteria."

"That's not why I came looking for you and you know it."

I pop the lid on my to-go cup. It doesn't seem fair. "What does she see in that guy?" I just had to know. I don't see it and on top of that, he said he got Olivia's clothes from the apartment. Their apartment? Are they living together? I thought she lived in the Sorority House.

Alex is looking at me like I'm daft for even asking such a question. "Okay. Yeah, I get what she sees in him but damn it they can't possibly have what we did. Tell me it's not possible?"

I was desperate to hear those words. Instead, I got...

"I'm really the wrong person to ask. I'm not exactly the Don Juan of relationships here."

So not what I wanted to hear. "Yeah."

"You really still love her that much?"

My eyes locked on Alex's. "I've never stopped."

"Damn."

"Yeah."

"What about Brittany?"

It seemed the question on everyone's mind but mine. I shrugged. "Brittany is a great girl. My dad is right. I'm lucky to have her but I don't love her like I do Olivia. I don't think I'm capable of loving another woman the way I do her."

"So where does that leave you?"

The question of the hour. "I don't know, Bright Eyes. I just don't know." I pat his shoulder and go pay for my coffee. I don't wait for Alex. I need some time alone. I make my way to the waiting room and start checking my messages on my phone.

I have a text message from the shelter of supplies the staff needs me to order and a voice mail from Brittany.

"Hey there. I hope your visit goes well today. I'm sure Olivia is going to be fine. You'll see. Don't worry yourself too much. If you're free, perhaps we can do dinner at my place? I hope so. I... miss you. Later."

The tension is back. I rub my neck to try and ease it. I don't have a shot of getting Olivia back, right? She's moved on, but I keep remembering that look in her eyes. I feel like there's an opening and if I don't move fast it's going to close never to reopen again. Is that crazy? But if I am going to get Olivia back, then I certainly shouldn't be leading Brittany on, that would be cruel. Gah!

No. I'm seeing what I want to see. Olivia is grateful, that's all. I'm a fool if I think she'd take me back. After what I put her through, I deserve for her to hate me for the rest of her life.

I call Brittany.

"Hey, you! How's Olivia?"

"Doing great just like you predicted."

"See, I told you."

I chuckled. "You love saying that, don't you?"

She laughs. "So... we on for dinner tonight?"

"Yeah, what time?"

"Seven, okay?"

"Perfect. I'll head over after my shift at the shelter."

"Can't wait!"

She sounded excited. My dad's right I don't deserve her.

"See you later?"

"Yeah, later."