William

I curse them both as I drove back to my apartment. So, this is the thanks I get for trying to help them. I'm the one held liable for them being delusional. Fine. Let them stay in denial. I've had enough. This is why I don't get involved in other people's problems.

Upon arriving home, I realized I have my own problem to solve. My apartment is empty. Jacob isn't here. I sent him a text. No reply. I gave him a call but I'm sent to his voicemail. He must have turned off his phone. 

"Damn it!" I flopped on my couch, and Adrain's picture drew my eyes to the bookshelf.

Adrian's smiling face stares back at me. Adrian. I miss him so much. He left an un-fillable void. No matter how many men I have dated or how much sex I've had, I still feel numb.

That was until Jacob. He came out of nowhere. There was no push or pull. Gradually, slowly, effortlessly, he's worked his way into my world and now I find myself looking for him when he's not here.

A sense of panic caused bile to fill my throat. What if he's had enough? What if he's left for good? The idea of going back into the darkness has my body trembling. I don't want to be alone. Yet, I don't want to care because caring can leads to being hurt and will I be able to survive it?

If it wasn't for Cat I would have joined Adrian on the other side. She has Alex now. Alex has her. There is no one left for me to count on, if Jacob left, I'd truly be alone.

I hear a click of the key in the door and swipe away the tear that had fallen. I turn on the TV and act like I am engrossed in what I'm watching. Jacob comes in, throws his key in the bowl on the table, and walks past me, like I'm not even here, to enter the bedroom.

How dare he ignore me. First the text, then the phone, and now this. My face heats with the anger that flared up inside of me. I swung open the door and I saw him putting his things into a bag.

"So, this is it? You're leaving? Without so much as a word, you're walking away?"

Jacob let out a long sigh, his hand paused from shoving a shirt into his backpack.

"I'm doing this for you."

"Ha! For me?"

"If you can't even introduce me to Alex then, where do you want me to hide if he comes here? He is your best friend after all."

His words take me back for a moment. "What do you mean? It's not like you live here."

My words caused him to cringe. I've hurt him. Again.

"You're right. I don't. I've been spending a lot of time here but it's not like we are a couple. We aren't partners. We don't live together. So, I'm taking what little there is of mine and I'm going home."

Each of his statements felt like a knife to my heart. We are not a couple. We aren't partners. We don't live together. Nothing was ever made official but it felt like we were. I don't know the last time I slept without him by my side. The panic overtakes my anger.

"You're leaving me?"

Jacob's expression softened, but still, he struggled with his anger. "Why are you such a fucking idiot?"

"What?"

"I'm leaving your apartment. I won't be staying here. If you want to stay at my place, you are more than welcome. I don't want to make your life more complicated. You have enough you need to figure out. I'm waiting for you. I won't enter your world uninvited. So, you have some decisions you need to make."

He shoved the last of his things into his bag and slung it over his shoulder.

"You know where to find me."

I can't breathe. My hand is pressed into my chest. He's going. I hear what he's saying but what if I can't do it? What if I can't...?

He reached my side and raised my chin with his fingers.

"Breathe, damn you."

I gulped in the air. I felt lightheaded.

"Slowly," he advised.

In and out. Slow and steady. My vision clears. Jacob stared at me. His expression was concern mixed with sadness. It broke my heart.

"I'm only going to repeat myself once. I'm not leaving you. I'm waiting for you, but I'm begging you, don't keep me waiting long." With those words, he kissed me. 

The pain, the desperation of his words, echoed in his kiss. He walked out of my apartment. He left his key in the bowl on the table, further evidence he would not be returning. By the time my brain had the ability to function, to call out his name, he was gone and I was alone.

Except for my thoughts...

William, you fucking idiot. You let him go. You let him walk out that door. What are you thinking?

Oddly though, those words sounded far more like Adrian's way of talking than my own.

I wandered to the bookshelf and took down his picture. Jacob didn't even mind that I had it so prominently displayed.

That's right he didn't, did he? Adian's smile seemed almost mocking as I stared at that picture.

"You bastard. This is all your fault and all you can do is smile at me with that gorgeous smile of yours. You're fucking heartless, you know that?!" 

I threw the frame and it smashed on the floor. Regret besieged me and ran across the room to gather the broken pieces.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. Please don't leave me." Tears ran down my face.

Adrian was gone. There was no bringing him back. I hugged the frame to my chest. I felt the pain of a shard of glass digging into my skin but I didn't care.

"Why? Why did you leave me?"

My memories of that night came flooding back to me. We had a terrible fight. He wanted us to move in together. He wanted us to take the next step. I didn't think he was ready. He only began his journey. I didn't believe he fully understood what it meant to be in a relationship, in a relationship with me. He was always in my life. Always by my side, but this would be different.

If things didn't work out between us, there was no turning back.

I laughed without mirth. William, you fucking idiot.

It wasn't Adrian that wasn't ready. It was me. I had hurt him, terribly. He loved me so much. All he ever wanted was to be by my side forever and we never got that chance. That night he was left beaten beyond recognition in an alley.

I remember the call I got from Alex. I could barely understand what he was saying he was sobbing so hard. What little I could make out left me cold. An icy chill filled my body and it never left. My brain shut off. My body shut down. It was like a living death.

"I'm so sorry." My finger ran along the outline of his face. "I can't let you go. I should have never let you go and now, you went where I can't follow. How am I to move on? I don't deserve to be happy without you."

I must have cried myself to sleep because the sound of my phone jarred me awake. It was a text from Jacob.

"Good night. Sweet dreams. I'll see you tomorrow."

Lying on the floor, I hugged Adrian's photo and my phone. Unable to respond, unable to let go, fearing having to make a choice between them. Terrified of what may happen if I don't.

I got to my knees and slowly rose. I pulled out the fractured glass from the frame, grateful it didn't damage the photo. I placed it back on the shelf.

I'm broken just like this frame. I'm shattered just like the glass on the floor. There is no putting the pieces back together. Life is forcing me to face the fact that sometimes you have no choice but to clean up the mess and replace the old with something new, but the question still lingers.

Can I really be that brave?

How do I convince myself that I deserve the happiness that I've robbed others of? Isn't it a crime to even desire it? It feels wrong, but I want to make it right. Jacob deserves me not to keep him waiting.

The floor was swept. My cut was bandaged. The gash was a reminder. Adrian is gone but I'm still here bleeding. Jacob is the bandage. He's stopped the hemorrhaging that was going on inside of me. I could feel myself beginning to heal and that's what scares me.

Am I enough to make Jacob happy? How do I secure his happiness when I don't feel I deserve my own?

I look down at my phone and typed my reply.

"Sweet dreams. I ..."

"..."

"..."

I wanted to write, "I love you', but couldn't.

"I miss you.

And...

I'm sorry."