Dillion

It's now seven-thirty and I'm still stuck on a train that would take me into town and to Brittany's apartment. "Damn it!" I call her.

"Let me guess," Brittany answers with laughter in her voice.

"I left at six, I swear. There was a detour for some construction they were doing on 9th street which delayed the bus that takes me to the train and..."

"You need to get a car." Brittany finishes my sentence for me, not how I planned on finishing it but it wasn't incorrect.

"And I need to get a car," I repeated.

"What? What was that? Was that you admitting I'm correct for the second time today?"

Now she's full out laughing at me. Any other woman would be mad that I'm late, that I didn't call earlier, but not Brit. I don't know how she does it.

"Have I completely ruined dinner?"

"Nope, I didn't even start it until 7 o'clock."

"What?! But I thought you said..."

Brittany laughs again. "I know how you work by now, Dillion. If you were on time you would have called to brag telling me you're right around the corner or you're only five minutes away.

When you don't call, I know you've run into trouble. The odds are against you but in favor of you not being on time. In preparation for that, I started dinner at seven and everything should be ready by the time you get here."

"So, you're saying my unpredictability has become predictable."

"Yeah, pretty much."

I can almost picture the way she'd press her lips together and bob her head when she says this and I laugh. "Okay, well I'm not around the corner. I'm still a good twenty minutes away."

"No worries, your timing will be perfect."

"Hmmm... if you say so."

"I do."

"So, what now? Do you want to chat or should I hang up so you can get back to what you were doing?"

"Umm, as much as I want to talk to you, I'm going to have to go with option two. I don't want to burn what I'm making. That really would ruin everything."

"Okay, see you when I see you."

"Great! See you then."

Brittney hangs up and I sit there staring at my phone. Why can't I fall hard for Brittney as I had with Olivia? She's a great girl. Smart. Driven. Cute. I was stunned when she first asked me out. She laughed at me then too.

"Haven't you ever been asked out before?" she asked in disbelief.

I had been on many dates but I was always so careful in my selection. Purposely, I'd chosen women I knew weren't interested in a relationship. They were just looking for a good time, or to fool around a bit. So, there were never any hard feelings when things ended.

But then Brittany comes along. She was so great with Devlin. He was so scared when I brought him in. Her personality has such a way of putting people at ease and then she helped me find a way to pay for his treatment and stay. There was no way I would have been able to do that without her. I was so grateful. I felt guilty turning her down.

No. That's not it. Guilt, really? Then why am I still dating her?

I had to dig deeper for the answer to that one. I was tired of being alone. I wrote so many letters to Olivia I never sent. Not with the restraining order, her parents put on me. Plus, I felt ashamed she would see the prison's address. I kept them, not knowing what else to do with them.

I discovered Olivia moved because my sister was rather upset to lose her best friend. However, I was grateful as it meant there wouldn't be a chance of me running into her when I was living on the streets.

My thoughts never strayed from Olivia, during my time in prison, when I was homeless, or my time in recovery, but this emptiness I felt inside was growing and I feared it may consume me. Sure, I dated, frequently but my meaningless relationships only made the hole a little deeper.

Brittany felt like a lifeline being thrown at me and so I grabbed on with both hands. I stopped at a corner vendor to pick up some flowers before making it to her door. I knocked and Brittney threw the door open, smiling.

I heard a bell ding and she laughs. "As I said, you have perfect timing. Aww! Are those for me?"

"No," I said, pulling them back from her as she reached out for the bouquet. "Your neighbor, you know the cute blonde three doors down, gave them to me when she saw me. Did you tell her I was coming over?"

Brittney pushes me back with her palm and glares down the hallway. "No. She's probably been stalking you, or me, trying to figure out when you'd be here again. It has been a while. I can't blame her though; you are rather irresistible."

My grin grew. "Is that so?"

"That's the rumor anyway, spread by all your lovers in the building no doubt." She steals the flowers out of my hand and pulls me into her apartment by my jacket before closing the door.

Brittney tossed the flowers aside. "I'll deal with her later. Right now I've been dying to do this."

She shoves my jacket off my shoulders but pulled the coat tight when it gets to my elbows trapping my arms at my side. She leans against me with her full weight which pins me against the door. I could easily get myself out of my predicament but let her play things out instead.

"I'm going to make you forget all about those other girls."

"Is that so?"

"Mmm-hmm."

She lifts herself up on her tippy toes and brushes her lips against mine. Brittney has passion. Perhaps that's why I gave her a chance. Maybe secretly I was hoping I could find a replacement for Olivia. She lets go of my coat and it falls to the floor. Her hands cup my face as her lips capture mine.

I whispered against her lips. "Your food is going to burn."

"Shit!" Brittney releases me and goes racing into the kitchen.

I pick up my coat and place it on a chair by the door. The flowers, I bring into the kitchen. I've been here enough times and have been late enough times that I know exactly where Brittany keeps her vases.

I steal one from under the sink and fill it with cool water before putting the flowers in. I'm not much of an arranger. I sort of plopped them in the way they were wrapped. They looked... adequate. I leave them on the counter.

"Dinner smells good."

Brittany beams at me. "It's a Rosemary Mushroom Risotto. I hope you like it."

"If it tastes anywhere near as good as it smells, I'm sure I will."

She plates the food and I help her carry it out to the table. She opens a bottle of wine. It smells so good. I never told Brittany about my addiction. I don't know why. Most days we would get together for brunch or an early lunch because she couldn't get off work. So, it didn't come up because the places we would patron didn't serve alcohol. Or maybe it was my embarrassment to admit this weakness about myself.

She fills my glass and hers to the top. "Go on, have a seat."

I pull out her chair first and then have a seat in mine. She smiles at me. "Ever the gentlemen. I swear they don't make men like you anymore. Wherever did you come from?"

"I don't know. Maybe we're a dying breed."

She frowns. "Why would you say that?"

I laugh. "Let's face it, you woman can do whatever we can and probably better. The only thing we have left is to be chivalrous but if we're seen holding a door, or pulling out a chair it's now considered insulting. As if we think you're weak or something. Nowadays the princess saves herself, right? So, I guess it's time for us knights to take our shiny armor and our horses and ride off into the sunset."

"Just because we can save ourselves doesn't mean we don't appreciate someone trying to save us," Brittany reasoned obviously not caring for my bleak assessment of our genders.

"What would Olivia think?" Brittany asks me taking me by surprise.

"If you weren't there she would have died yesterday and now she's here and doing great all thanks to her knight in shining armor. I think there is still room for a few more good knights. To chivalry!" Britany picked up her glass for a toast looking for me to join her.

I know I should say something. I should confess, but just the mention of Olivia and knowing I'm no knight had me picking up the glass. I may have saved Olivia's life but I failed her. Just as I am failing Brittany now and I don't care. I want this drink. I want it so bad.

"To chivalry, may it still exist somewhere in the Godforsaken world." I clink my glass against hers. I watch the wine wet her lips before she swallows. The glass is paused at mine. The smell fills my nostrils.

I want to become numb. I want the pain to go away. This is not the way, but I don't care. I can't care. Or perhaps the truth is I care too much and want the torture of caring to stop. I tilt the glass savoring the taste in my mouth before I swallow. After all, it's just one sip. It's not like I'm going to get drunk.

The evening progressed. The food was delicious. The conversation was enticing. The wine bottle is nearly empty. Brittany and I are dancing in her living room to a slow song she selected. Her hand runs over my chest. We're both hammered, laughing over something stupid. My mind is too muddy to think of what we found so funny.

I cover her hand with mine and she looks up at me. Her eyes are full of questions she's dying to ask.

"Why haven't you made love to me?"

And there it was, at the moment I couldn't think of a good excuse. Before I had a million of them. She was too good for me. I didn't want to get serious. Not unless I knew I could commit to a relationship and I never thought that day would come. It's too intimate. Having sex is one thing but Brittany isn't the kind of girl you have sex with. She wants someone to make love to her. She deserves someone to make love to her, to make her feel wanted, cherished even.

However, right now, I see the pleasant flush of her cheeks. The wine has made her beautiful eyes even larger. I could drown in their depths. I cup her face. Her cheeks are warm to the touch. My lips graze over hers and she sighs into my mouth.

I nip her lower lip and she grasps my shirt with both hands. My hands delve into her hair and I kiss her with reckless abandon. Brittany presses her body against me. I feel so empty. Maybe she can make me feel whole again.

Her hands slide under my shirt. Her fingers explore my body raking over my back as she pulls me even closer. I want this. Don't I? It feels pleasurable. I nuzzle her neck and she let out a whimper.

"Oh, Dillion. I know you've stayed with me before, but you always held back. Please. Don't stop."

Brittany's words were more intoxicating than the wine I drank. The wine I drank... Guilt begins to stiffen my body, my limbs freeze. She feels it too.

"No. Please no," she pleads while caressing my face. "I want this. I do. I want you."

I pulled her hands away. "I'm drunk. You're drunk. You may want this now but you'll only regret it tomorrow."

"Would you think worse of me if I said I didn't care?"

"What kind of knight would I be if I allowed you to go through with it?"

Brittany's hands drop to her sides. Her eyes fill with tears, but she nods her head in agreement.

I can't stand this. She's hurt and it's my fault. I gather her in my arms, holding her close.

"You deserve better," I tell her.

"Will you at least stay the night? I'd be worried about you getting home now at this hour. We've both had a lot to drink."

"I don't drive, remember? I'll be fine."

"Please?"

With that one word I cave.

"I'll stay, but let me take the couch. I don't trust myself, right now, to be in bed with you."

Her brows knit together, creating that little crease between them. "I love the way you are. That you care, but I have to say at this moment. It sucks."

I kiss her cheek. "You'll get no argument from me."

Brittany trudged into her bedroom and came back holding a pillow and dragging a blanket. I took them from her. "Thank you!"

She simply nodded and walked back to her bedroom shutting the door behind her. I was grateful she didn't press for more because at this moment I'm too weak and would have given in.

I pulled my phone, wallet, and keys out from my pocket and place them on the table. I kick off my shoes and lay down on the couch. My mind wanted to prick me, needle me about the choices I made. It wanted me to atone for my sins, berate me for my lost opportunities but tomorrow was another day. Between the wine and the sheer exhaustion settling in from not sleeping. My eyes fluttered closed. My last thought of the day was...

So many regrets.