Cat

I couldn't wait to see Alex. I'm stunned when I pulled up to the address he gave me. The place looked like a mansion. I know he said his family was well off, but this... It's hard for me to picture the Alex I know growing up in a place like this.

I parked my car. A rush of excitement courses through me as I ring the bell, knowing I'm about to see Alex again.

No answer. That's odd. Doesn't a place like this usually have someone like a butler or something? I giggled at that thought. Perhaps I should knock. Still no answer. I knocked harder. Finally, the door opened and there he stood. I grinned at him.

"You know when your fiancé calls you with good news, it's usually customary to call her back to find out what it is?"

Alex grabbed hold of me and pulled me into a crushing hug. I wrapped my arms around him. Something must be wrong. "Hey, are you okay?" He said nothing. Instead, he held me tightly, like I was a lifeline he feared to let go of. 

"What's going on?"

Alex took my hand, pulled me inside, and shut the door. He led me over to a sofa and sat down with me. Now that we are face to face, he appeared so drained. I stroked the side of his cheek. He wasn't answering me. 

"Alex?" I prodded.

"I hardly know where to begin," he admitted.

I took both of his cheeks in my palms to give him a thorough once over. "You look like you haven't slept in days. When was the last time you've eaten?"

"When you and I were talking on the phone."

"That was over 8 hours ago. Do you want me to make you something to eat? Where are your mom and Tina? If they are here, I'm sure I can make something with enough food for everyone."

He pulled me back as he leaned against the back of the sofa. I snuggled in as he held me.

"You have me really worried, Alex, but I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong."

"I know. I just need a moment."

I cuddled him up like he was holding me, squeezing tight. "I have the time off from school. That was my good news. I'm here until Monday if you want me?"

He held me tighter. "You're all I've ever wanted, Cat. You have no idea what you being here right now means to me. I'm not sure I'd survive another day without you."

"Okay, now you have me concerned on several levels." It's scaring me, how he's talking. I've never seen him like this before. Alex is always the strong one. My pillar of strength and now...

"I know. I'm sorry. I've just somehow come home and walked into my own personal hell and I don't see a way out."

"There's always a way out. It's picking the right exit that's important."

He sat up and looked at his phone, checking for something.

"My mom and Tina aren't here. It's just you and me."

I wondered where they may be but I figured Alex would explain everything to me when he was ready. "Okay, then let me make you something to eat and you can tell me what's been happening as you feel ready. Deal?"

He fidgets a bit "Do you mind if I make some phone calls first?"

Who could he need to call at this hour? But then realized it didn't really matter and shrugged. "Sure, the kitchen is?"

Alex pointed to where I needed to go. "Thanks." I got up to give him some privacy.

The kitchen was amazing. I could cook so many grand meals in a place like this. I checked the refrigerator and thankfully it was well stocked. I immediately got to work.

It was a while before Alex joined me. I smiled at him and was happy to see him smile back.

"You seem quite at home here. Find everything okay?"

"Whoever put this kitchen together is a freakin' genius," I told him. "Everything is placed exactly where you would logically think it should be. I had everything I needed at my fingertips. Got me thinking of how to reorganize our kitchen when we get home."

He laughed at me. I felt so relieved upon hearing that laugh.

"Cat, I'm sorry this whole thing couldn't be happening at a worse time. I so want to be there for you and I feel like I'm failing miserably."

The timer beeped and I took the chicken out of the oven and drained off the vegetables. It's so important to me that Alex realizes why I am here.

"Alex, you've got this all wrong. I'm the one that should be here for you. You've been there for me through everything when I felt my life was falling apart. You've been stuck here on your own, dealing with ... well God only knows what but it's evident, I should have been by your side this whole time. No excuses."

I pulled out some plates and dished out the food. We sat at the kitchen island, side by side like we would at home. Although I was hoping to learn more Alex didn't talk while we ate. I took comfort in the fact that he seemed to be enjoying the meal. When he was nearly finished I chose to break the silence. I turned my chair towards him. 

"May I ask some questions now?"

He took a deep breath and nodded. "Ask away."

"What's happening with your father's funeral?"

"I've talked with the lawyer. I have the will. My dad's body will be released to the funeral home tomorrow. Once he's there I'll be able to settle the rest of the arrangements. I'm hoping I'll be able to hold services and bury him this weekend."

I nodded. "Any way I can help with the arrangements?"

He shook his head no. "I don't think so, but I haven't really gotten into it yet so, maybe?"

"You said your mother is sick, the kind of sick she won't recover from. Is it cancer?"

Alex's expression was pained. "No. It's Alzheimer's."

His answer caused my heart to break for him. "Oh, Alex!" I grabbed hold of his hand.

"Yeah, it's come as quite a blow. She's already in the advanced stages. Once she thought I was Aiden. She was telling me how much my father loves me and she didn't want me to give up on him."

I see a tear slide down his cheek and I reached out to wipe it away. I can't believe it. He's been dealing with so much.

"So, where is she now?"

Alex swallows hard. He appeared at a loss for words but then he told me, "I called home after talking to the lawyer. I wanted to give my mom the good news that we would be able to start making arrangements soon for my dad's burial. She... she didn't remember that he was dead. She left the room and Tina was here with her. I heard a crash and then Tina rushed off the phone."

I was stunned. "My God, what happened?"

"Tina had tried to calm my mother down but got seriously hurt in the process. I came home to discover her being taken out of the house by EMTs unconscious and bleeding. My mother had no recollection of what happened."

"Tina is in the hospital?!" How could this possibly get any worse?

"She's okay. I've gotten to speak to her. She had to get stitches from the cut from where her head hit a mirror and they'd done an MRI but I don't know what the results are yet."

Thank God. "And your mom?"

"She had to be taken to the hospital too."

Again, his answer surprised me. "How did she get hurt?"

"She wasn't...well she was but it was minor. She had to be taken to the psych ward. They are holding her for evaluation. They weren't sure if criminal charges would be pressed and they had to find out if she'd even be competent to stand trial."

My God, how awful. Then a thought had occurred to me. "She not going to go to jail is she?"

"Thankfully, no. That's one of the phone calls I needed to make while you prepared dinner. Tina isn't pressing charges so they will release my mom to me when they are through with her evaluation. Only now I'll have decided whether or not I'm capable of caring for her or if I need to let her go. My father's made arrangements at a home that deals with people with Alzheimer's and Dementia, so she'd be taken care of, I just don't know if..."

Alex broke down and I pulled him into my embrace. I pulled away only so I could see his face. I placed my palm on his cheeks and lifted his face so he had to look at me. 

"We will figure this out, together. I'll stand by any decision you make. You're not in this alone. Okay?"

"Cat, I'm scared."

"Of what?"

"That I'm in over my head. That I'm going to screw this all up. That I'm going to lose everything. I've already lost so much. I don't think I take anymore."

I drew his face towards me and gently kissed his lips. I leaned my forehead against his. What can I say to comfort him?  I think of my brother.

"You can do this. We can do this. You just have to remember, one step at a time."

He wrapped his arms around me and he pulled me in close. "You said you were freed up until Monday? Can you stay here with me?"

I smiled. "My bag is in my car. I didn't want to assume."

"I need you. I need you here with me."

"Then I'm all yours." Nothing will pull me away from him now.

We finished eating and he helped me with the dishes. He retrieved my bag from the car and showed me around the house. The place was even larger on the inside. Then he opened the door to his room. I wondered if this was how it always looked although it seemed more like a guest room than a personal space.

Alex left to use the bathroom. I am determined to see Alex through this. He's been my rock through everything I've endured so far. I want to do the same for him. I need to do the same for him. I love him so much and seeing him in this much pain hurts. I want to ease his burden like he has eased mine.

I noticed the stuffed toy kitten he had gotten me sitting on the bed. I sat down and picked it up. I hugged it and pressed the button hearing the baby's heartbeat. Alex came back into the room. I felt so guilty being a part of the pain he has had to endure.

Toying with the kitten's ear I admitted, "I should have never left. I was so mad at you. The thought that you could so easily walk away, but I was so wrong. It wasn't easy."

"No, it was the hardest decision I ever had to make until recently."

Why didn't I hear him out? Why did I make him suffer?  "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault, Cat. Liam and his father should have never put us in that position. It's obvious they both hate to lose but the threat was real. I couldn't stand between you and the baby being together, even though it killed me to lose you."

My heart swelled. "That's just the thing, Alex. You have that much strength, yet you doubt yourself and your abilities. A man that can do what you did for me, can do anything."

He sat beside me and took the kitten from my hands. "Cat, a loss is a loss. It doesn't matter if it's for the right reason, the wrong reason, or for no reason at all."

His words confused me. "What do you mean?"

"I'm not... strong enough to take this many blows. I left you because it felt like the right reason. I didn't want you to lose your baby to Liam and his father, but it killed me to think I wouldn't be a part of your life anymore. I left my parents because I thought it was the right thing to do, to take a stand and show Aidan he's loved, but I've lost Aidan, my dad, and now my mom. Aidan's death was completely senseless and I lost so much time living because of it. I can't get any of them back nor the time that I lost with them."

I couldn't have him thinking he's lost everything. "No, that's true, but had your life not taken those twists and turns we may have never met. I've learned life is under no obligation to take care of you, Alex, but it will give you what you need. If, you're open to accepting it."

He placed the kitten down at the end of the bed. "I'm concerned about my sleeping here tonight, Cat. My dreams, they've gotten worse under all this pressure. I had my first episode in the middle of the day when I almost caused Tina to crash her car when she took me to the phone store. I'm scared I may hurt you."

"Let's just wait and see how this goes before we start worrying about what might happen. If you start thrashing about, I promise I'll not try and wake you. I'll leave the room and go sleep downstairs, but if what normally happens takes place, then my being here may help you sleep, and you need your sleep, Alex. So, don't turn me away, okay?"

I can tell he was hesitant but then he agreed.

"Okay." He pulled back the covers and we both slid in. I snuggled up to him and kissed his cheek before laying my head on his chest. He stroked my hair.

"Sweet Dreams, Alex." He kissed to top of my head and I felt his body relax.

"Sweet dreams, Tiger. I love you."

"I love you, too."

Alex was so exhausted he was asleep in minutes. I listened to his heart beating a steady rhythm and felt breath graze my face.

I cannot fathom how in such a short time Alex has come to mean so much to me, but he has. When we broke up my heart shattered into a million pieces but those three little words... I love you, fused it back together again.

He is in so much pain right now. I can't say I understand it as I've never really lost anyone close to me, but Alex, he's lost, everyone. He almost lost me. I know the torment I suffered is nowhere near what he must have experienced.

He murmured in his sleep. I hold him tighter and he quieted.

Alex has become so fragile. I feel like I'm back in high school and faced with the project of keeping the egg safe from cracking. I must protect him, however I can, from taking more damage than he already has, but how?

I had no answer to that question. All I know is no matter what he is going to face in these next few days. I will be here by his side. I will see him through to the other side. I will make certain he survives and then with luck, I'll take the broken pieces and make him whole, just like he has done for me. 

I swear if it is at all possible, I will protect him.