Dillion

Domenic pulls up a chair across from my desk at work.

"Coffee?"

"Love some."

I pour him a cup and hand it to him. Domenic is a no-fuss kind of guy, so he likes his coffee black and with no sugar.

"Did you get to a meeting?"

"Several since we last spoke. How's Lily?"

"Better. It took a couple of days before she was back to playing and having fun, but she's much better now."

Just the mention of his daughter brought a smile to his lips.

"I'm glad to hear it."

Domenic paused to take a sip before asking, "How's your sister?"

I poured my own cup of coffee and took a seat behind my desk. "Good, I guess. She's back at school. I've texted her but I haven't heard anything."

"You didn't go back with her?"

"I didn't have to. Olivia was there."

"Ah, Olivia. You'd seen her a lot while Cat was in the hospital, right?"

"If by a lot you mean passing by her while I run away to get coffee in the hospital cafeteria, then yeah I guess so."

"You haven't tried to talk to her?"

I rubbed the back of my neck. "No. I wouldn't know what to say even if I did."

"Sure, it's easier but..."

"Stop right there. This is not up for discussion."

"Okay, how's Brittany?"

I sighed. He's not going easy on me today. He wants me to face my problems but I'm not ready.

"Good. I guess she's good."

"You've been avoiding her, too?"

I tried hard not to get annoyed with Domenic asking questions he knows the answer to.

"We've talked... on the phone."

"What excuses are you using to put her off?"

He's trying to help point out the rabbit hole I've fallen in. 'Oh, what a tangled web we weave...' and all of that. Domenic leans in closer, giving me a hard stare.

"It's not right and you know it. Do you love her?"

"Olivia?"

His face splits into a knowing grin. "Don't you think it odd that she was your first choice?"

I know what he's getting at. If I don't love Brittany, why do I keep her around? I don't like examining this answer too closely as the answer is rather self-serving.

Domenic's eyebrows raise. He's waiting for a response.

"I've never stopped loving Olivia."

"But you had no access to her, before."

"I don't have access to her now. She's away at college, she has a boyfriend, and if I did choose to make a move, I'd have to tell Cat first."

"Cat doesn't know that you dated her best friend?"

"No. We kept it from her because we feared she'd be forced to choose between her brother and her best friend if things didn't work out. Neither of us wanted to put her in that position. Thinking about how things turned out, I don't regret the decision. Olivia was able to be there for her when I was not."

"I think you both grossly underestimate Cat."

"Maybe, but things were bad at home for her then. We both knew Liam was a jerk, even back in high school. Olivia worried he was cheating on her back then. Although she couldn't prove it. We were all she had."

"I guess that makes sense. So, what's the plan now?"

"What do you mean?"

"With Olivia and Brittany? Are you planning on pursuing Olivia? If you are, you owe it to Brittany, to be honest with her. Don't string her along. It's not fair to her."

I know that he's right but a part of me is still reluctant to let her go. Brittany... well she saved me from the black hole my life had become. I know it's not right but if I did pursue Olivia and she rejects me, I don't know if I could survive being back in that void again.

"What are you thinking?"

No, this one I'm keeping to myself. "I get what you're saying. If I figure this out, I'll try my best to limit the damage to anyone involved."

"It's you I'm worried about," Domenic informed me which took me by surprise, but I guess it shouldn't.

He shakes his head at me. "You're heading in dangerous waters, both paths bring their own set of problems. Trying to play both sides, may cause you to end up alone. I don't want to see that happen to you. These last few months with Brittany, you've been happy. It's the happiest I've seen you since we've met."

This also takes me by surprise. Have I really changed that much that Domenic noticed? Am I trying to convince myself now that Brittany and I wouldn't work out because of my feelings for Olivia?

"I don't see a future for Brittany and me if Olivia still loves me."

"Just be careful there. You've both changed quite a bit while you were apart."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying the Olivia you loved may not be the same Olivia you see before you. Ghosts of the past can haunt you however they're just illusions of what once was. Make sure you don't project who she was on who she is. If you give up Brittany, who is your here and now, just make sure you're giving her up for the real thing."

Can't argue with advice like that.

"Okay."

"And get some sleep. You look like shit."

This made me laugh. I rubbed the back of my neck again. "Yeah, I will."

Domenic and I parted ways. I still had my workday to get through but I got an unexpected call at lunch.

"So, how long are you planning on avoiding me, because I miss you?"

I get a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach. "I'm not avoiding you Brit. Things have been a bit crazy lately and I..."

"Sounds like you need a break."

"Huh?"

"I'd like to steal you away for lunch today. You can say no of course but you may want to know I've already cleared your schedule with your boss and I'm standing outside of your office."

Guess there's no getting out of this one. I stand up and open my office door. There she stands with a picnic basket draped over an arm; her phone still pressed against her ear. She smiles at me and we hang up at the same time.

"Come. Runaway with me."

Her enthusiasm for her plan is contagious and I find myself grinning back at her. "Sure. Why not."

"That's not exactly the attitude I was hoping for... but hey, I'll take it."

This makes me laugh and I take the basket from her. It was pretty heavy. "What do you have in this thing?"

"I wasn't sure what we would need, so a little bit of everything. Come on, I have the perfect place."

Brittany takes me into the city. The last place I would think of for a picnic but then she keeps going. Right on the outskirts is part of the park system and plopped in the middle of it is a grove of cherry blossoms in full bloom. It's beautiful.

We get out of the car. Brittany grabs a blanket from the back seat, and I grab the basket. She leads me down the center row to a white-domed gazebo. "So, what do you think?"

"I've lived in this city my whole life and I never knew this was here."

"Yeah, pretty amazing right? It's a rather popular spot on the weekends but during the week it just sits here quietly undisturbed. It's one of my favorite places in the city this time of year."

She spreads out the blanket in the middle of the gazebo, sits down, and pats a spot next to her.

I put the basket between us and take a seat.

As she unpacks and lays out quite a spread, she keeps sneaking glances at me.

"What?"

"What, what? Nothing. I just... nothing."

She's blushing. Her cheeks are nearly scarlet and I can't help but wonder what would cause such a reaction.

"Really? Nothing?"

"Mm-hmm."

Brittany continues unpacking. She brought real plates cups and utensils. I took note, she's made a cheese tray with some grapes and crackers, sandwiches, a container of lemonade, and brownies for dessert. No wonder the basket was so darn heavy.

"I was going to go more high-end, roasted chicken, a bottle of wine, chocolate-dipped strawberries but this just felt right."

"When did you have time for all of this?"

"I had my review today. So, I only had to go in for the interview and then I have the rest of the day off. Since I had the time, I thought maybe..."

Brittany looks away. She's acting so odd today. I just can't figure her out. "Maybe?"

"Are you happy with me?"

I blinked a few times to catch up to the change in conversation. "Happy with you? How could anyone be unhappy with you?"

Her brows knit as she frowns at me. Brittany is far too smart not to realize I haven't answered her question, not directly.

"Dillion, I like you. I mean I really like you, but sometimes I wonder if well..."

"You're all alone in how you feel?" I finished for her.

She stares at her hands which are folded in her lap. "Yeah."

"The hardest part of liking someone like you is that I know I don't deserve you."

Brittany's head shoots up. "What are you talking about? I'm nothing special. I..."

I put my hand up to pause her. "You're going to have to allow me to disagree with you on this point. Women like you are rare gems. Someone that should be cherished and I..."

"Aren't that guy? If that's what you were going to say, then I have to tell you, you suck at it not being that guy because that's how I feel whenever I'm with you."

"Brittany, I...?

She reaches out and takes my hand in hers. "I can see you're going through something. More than just your normal worries and I want you to know I get that and I'm here for you. I know you don't need me to be. You've taken care of yourself for a long time now but if you can trust me, I would love the chance to help you."

Damn. I can't do this. I cannot, not do this. What the hell am I going to do? I take my hand back. I don't want to ruin all the time and effort she put into today but I have to be honest with her, with myself. I have to start somewhere so I swallow hard and blurt out...

"I'm an alcoholic." To say I shocked her is an understatement.

"We had wine at dinner the last time..." Her fingertips flutter to her lips. It's all coming together for her now.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't... I wouldn't have... shit!"

There she goes taking the blame for my problem. I took her hand in mine. "Brittany, there's nothing wrong with you having wine with dinner. I know better. I shouldn't have drank it. I definitely shouldn't have gotten drunk that night, but I did what I wanted to do. I was weak and I caved. I should have been upfront with you from the beginning."

"Why weren't you?"

Good question.

"Saying I don't know seems like a cop-out but I don't know."

"Did you think I would think less of you? Because I don't. Addiction is a terrible thing, but you're a fighter. You're trying to do something about it. I admire you for that."

"You know why I like working at the shelter?"

"Because you have a huge heart and care about people?" Brittany's grinning at me because she knows that's not what I was going to say but she had to sneak a compliment in there. It's hard not to smile back when she looks at me that way.

"No, it's because no one there knows about my past. They look up to me. I get to be the hero. The one looking out for them, taking care of them. I feel strong instead of weak or vulnerable which is how I feel most of the time." I look away as I don't want to show how much that pained me to admit. Brittany doesn't allow it however and turns my face to look at hers.

"What's wrong with being vulnerable? We all take chances in life, Dillion. Some work out, and some don't but it's all a gamble. Being vulnerable just means you're open to taking chances. You're willing to put yourself out there, knowing you might get hurt. You have to be a pretty strong person to do that, don't you think?"

You see, that right there is why I can't... I won't tell her about Olivia. It's completely selfish I know, but I can't let her go. I'm too afraid of what will happen if I do. 

Brittany's smile widens and she kisses my cheek. "We should probably eat, even though I'm not on the clock today, Diane asked that I bring you back by 2." Brittany picks up a sandwich and hands it to me.

"Thank you. For everything."

Her smile shines. "Thank you, for trusting me."

I still have so much more I need to say, but for today it's enough. I'm a work in progress, but even as I enjoy my lunch, this beautiful woman next to me, and the cherry blossoms, it's hard not to feel the pressure of the coming storm looming on the horizon.