Dillion

I get up early, before Brittany is even awake. Guilt washes over me. I threw my sobriety away and for what? One good night's sleep? All my problems are still here and are now compounded. I've hurt Brittany by rejecting her. I know I owe her an explanation, but I don't have a clue what to say. So, like the coward I am, I fled, leaving behind only a note saying I needed to go to work early and had to leave. That I would call her later. I'm such an a-hole.

I call my sponsor on the bus ride home but he didn't answer, so I left a message. I get a call back as I board the train.

"Hey, Dillion. What's up?"

I sigh into the phone.

"Ah, no man. Don't tell me you f'd up?"

"I f'd up big time."

"Damn it, man! I'm your sponsor, but how can I help you if you don't ask for help?"

"Time didn't allow for it. It wasn't premeditated. I was having dinner with Brittany and she pulled out a bottle of wine..."

"Hold up? You've never told Brittany that you have an alcohol addiction?"

"It hasn't come up."

"It should have, don't you think?"

"Yeah, I should have told her. I should have done a lot of things I haven't."

I know part of the recovery process is admitting you have this disease. My parents know, my sister, and I made my amends with them. Brittany was unexpected. I didn't tell her because ... I'm a coward and a liar.

Even now I'm lying to myself and Dominic. I knew I was weak. I should have gotten to a meeting yesterday after Alex stopped me from drinking the day before. True, I didn't purposely set out to ruin my sobriety as I did then, but I didn't stop myself from drinking either.

Dominic sighed. "I wish I could have been there for you, but I'm here for you now. What pushed you to do it?"

"Olivia is in the hospital, after nearly drowning in the ocean but I saved her."

"Olivia? As in thee Olivia? The girl that turned your entire world upside down and you went to prison for?"

"Good news, she's all grown up. So, no worries there."

"There's more than one way to imprison yourself, Dillion."

Dominic's words were sobering. He was right. I'm right back where I started all because I couldn't say no. I'm drowning in guilt over hurting Brittany. I still don't know what to do about that. And then there's Olivia...

"You still there?"

"I'm here." I rub the back of my neck wishing there was a way to ease the tension. I have a headache but I know it's more from being hungover than stress.

"You need to get to a meeting. When are you available? I'll go with you."

"I'm not sure what my schedule is for today."

"You're stalling."

This is the reason I asked Dominic to be my sponsor. He reminded me of my parole officer, who also wouldn't allow me to give him lame excuses or get away with shit.

"I'll go. I promise."

"Today?"

"I'll try."

"Not good enough."

He's right. I know he's right. "Definitely by tomorrow."

Dominic's quiet. I know he doesn't like it but accepts there is little he can do about it. I have to do this on my own.

"This is your first time, Dillion. It happens to most of us, for me... more than once. The guilt, the shame, the disappointment in yourself for the decision you made can... eat away at you. Don't put this off. Get yourself to a meeting, with or without me. It's important."

"I know. I will. I promise."

"So, Olivia, huh? How did she get back into the picture?"

"She's not in the picture. Not really. I was hanging out with my kid sister and her fiancé. I didn't expect her to be there. She came with her boyfriend."

"Oof! Hold up? Did you just say Cat is engaged? When did this happen?"

"Recently, she came home to let us know during Spring Break."

"Not to Liam, right?"

"No, to that other guy-Alex."

"They haven't been going together very long."

"No, they haven't."

"Sounds like your plate of worries had gotten piled rather high these past few days."

"Yeah, it has."

"Get yourself to a meeting, please. The earlier the better."

"I will."

"Are you going to see Olivia again?"

"It's very unlikely. She's moved on with her life, so..."

"Huh-huh."

That one word brought a smile to my lips. "You have no faith in me, do you?"

"On the contrary, I have a ton of faith in you. That's why I'm your sponsor. I'm just going to say you've set yourself on a path that is... unclear and the stress of that can get overwhelming pretty quick if you're not careful."

"Well one day at a time, right?"

Dominic chuckles. "That's right."

"I've reached my stop. I'll check in with you later?"

"You better!"

"I will." I hang up and call Cat wondering if she was going to see Olivia again.

"I'm already here," she tells me. "Great news. No more fever so, she's going to be released in a few hours. She's super excited to be going home."

If only I could talk to Olivia directly. "That is great news." Looks like I missed my chance to see her again. "Is she staying with Doug?"

I don't know what made me ask this question. A glutton for punishment perhaps?

"Well until they get back to school. They rented an apartment for the week of Spring Break, so we could all hang out together. I thought maybe Olivia finally took a leap and decided to settle down but I guess not."

I can hear the disappointment in my sister's voice but my pulse quickened as excitement coursed through my body.

"Oh! So, they're only semi-serious then?"

"I guess. This is the longest I've seen Olivia stick with anyone since high school. I never met her boyfriend back then. She said he was an upperclassman from another school. The jerk really did a number on her though. She's never really been the same since they broke up."

I felt lower than low upon hearing this, knowing I am that jerk.

"She's dated so many guys."

This was not something I wanted to hear.

"It was almost like she was out for revenge or something, but with Doug, things have been different. She seems happy with him, you know?"

Yeah, I didn't want to hear that either.

"I'm happy for her." I am. I want her to be happy, just not with him.

"Oh, she's out of the shower. Talk to you later! Love you!"

"Love you too, Tiger."

I arrive home, and my mother is there waiting for me like she would in days past when I would stay out past curfew only it's still early morning.

"Dillion, we need to talk."

"It'll have to wait. I need to shower and get ready for my shift at the shelter." The second my foot hits the first step I hear.

"I won't ask twice."

I pause. My eyes close and I take a deep breath. I don't want to deal with this now. I just want to get to work. It's my solace. My safe space away from everything and everyone I've let down and disappointed. There I'm the helpful one instead of the one they believe needs help.

I turn around and take the seat across from my mom.

"Your father told me what happened."

"And?"

"And I want to know what your intentions are moving forward."

"I don't know marriage, 3 kids maybe 4 and a cat. Although I think I'm more of a dog person. I don't know what do you think?"

My mother's leg bounces showing her annoyance with me. "I find no humor in this situation."

"Well, then maybe that's your problem. Mom, Olivia would have died if I wasn't there. I didn't plan on her being there. This is not some contrived plot to get us back together."

"But it's what you want."

She didn't pose this as a question, just a statement of fact.

"And what if I do?"

"Don't do it."

"Well, I guess that settles it then," I said slapping my knees as I rose from the chair. "Glad we had this little chat."

"Sit down, Dillion!"

"In case you haven't noticed. I'm not five anymore, or even fifteen. I'm all grown up. So, I am going to respectfully decline, because I really need to get ready for work."

"Please, don't put me through this again? Olivia back in your life can only bring you to ruin. You're doing so great! You're sober, you have a wonderful job, a loving girlfriend... Please, Dillion, I don't want to see you in pain like that again? I don't want you to go down that path and throw everything good in your life away. Please?"

It hurt to hear her begging me this way. I don't want her to be hurt by my actions. I don't want anyone to be hurt by my actions. It'd be great to reassure her that none of that would happen but I think of how I've already screwed up my sobriety. My mom, if she knew, would be so disappointed. I'm ill-equipped to have this conversation at this moment.

"Mom, I..."

A door slams and my father is cursing and calling for my mother as he enters the house. I definitely can't handle my Dad when he's like this. I make a quick exit as my Mom rushes to see what's wrong.

I enter the garage and see Alex sitting in the car in the driveway. What the hell happened? They were supposed to be out playing golf.