Dillion

Although I am grateful things went so well between Olivia and me, I still can't help but wonder when I'm going to stop screwing up my life. It's well after seven and the phone rang.

"Let me guess...?" Brittany answered.

"I'm sorry. You don't know how sorry I am."

"How far away are you?"

"Far? I went to the campus today."

"Just had to check up on Cat, huh?"

I can hear her smile. I paused. My brain took the easy way out when I wanted to tell Brittany about Olivia. 

"Yeah. Sorry things took a lot longer than I expected."

"Don't worry, it's right in line with how my entire day has been going. So, I can't say I'm surprised."

I felt like shit. Brittany said she needed a break, some fun. Now I've played a part in making her day worse.

"Look, don't make yourself crazy trying to get here. I think I'm going to cut my losses and go to bed early. There's always tomorrow, right?"

"Are you sure? I think I could make it there around ten."

"I've got the red-eye shift tomorrow. I really should have called it night when I came home but I felt like being irresponsible for a little while. In that way, you've done me a favor. Getting sleep, instead of hanging out with you, is going to make tomorrow so much easier to get through."

I've let her down, big time and she's trying to make me feel better. However, at this moment I feel lower than low. "For what it's worth, I miss you."

I heard her sigh. "That right there has made my entire day."

I know I don't say it enough. I don't show Brittany I care enough. I've been holding back because of Olivia. To act that way felt like a betrayal of my feelings for Olivia. I swore I'd love only her. Now, I'm not sure what to feel.

"Sweet Dreams, Brit."

"Sweet dreams."

It's a long way home and I'm alone or not so alone as my thoughts like to remind me. I think of that kiss tonight. There was so much pain and yet so much passion behind it. Yet, I know Olivia has made her choice and frankly I think it was wise. Doug was a far better choice than me.

I wonder was I really looking for redemption or a way back into Olivia's life. I have no answer to that. It matters little as I have no choice but to accept that although she's forgiven me, Olivia doesn't want me. I guess it's the benefit of hating someone for so long. It must have been a relief to be able to finally let me go.

I, however, have never hated Olivia. I've only ever loved her. So, I still have the hollow ache in my chest where my heart used to be. I am grateful Olivia no longer harbors resentment against me. That she can move on and I pray she is happy. I just don't know where that leaves me. What now? What next? Do I even care? I feel a bit numb.

That was another problem with my drinking. It was the only way I found to numb the pain yet feel alive at the same time. My mind would quiet and I could think about whatever I wanted. Instead of plaguing myself with all the ways, I've disappointed those that I love in my life.

It was in those moments I would get a glimpse of myself. Just in my peripheral, a shadow or a ghost of someone I once knew. I wonder if I can ever get back there again. I'm always told not to look back. To keep moving forward, but I still long for the past, linger over the what if's.

I had no doubt I would have made Olivia happy as it felt like it was my soul's purpose for living when we were together. Now I am without purpose, without Olivia and I'm uncertain how to proceed.

My mind wandered to Brittany. I know I have feelings for her as just the thought of her can bring a smile to my lips. It's her nature, even at her worst, she is still better than me. She doesn't take out her anger on those around her. She once told me that if things get really bad at work, she'd go into the supply closet, grab a pillow, and scream. I chuckled a little, as I can so easily picture her doing it.

Anger, hurt, pain, it all takes their toll on a person's soul and body. That's why I really wanted to be there for her today. It was the first time she showed me a weakness. The first time she asked for help and once again I proved I cannot be relied on.

I'm getting annoyed with my own pity party. I changed my thoughts and my course. One day at a time and the day is not over yet.

I sped up my pace. I've become a man on a mission, determined to not let this go by. No more regrets. I shaved some time off my travels not a lot but I made up my mind.

I'm back and I'm pounding on Brit's door. She opens it, and with sleepy eyes, she looks up at me.

"Dillion, what are you...?"

My fingers lace in her hair. I cut off her words, kissing her the way I know she wants to be kissed.

Brittany pushes me away. "Are you drunk?"

"What?" Her words were like a splash of cold water in the face. "No, why would you say that?"

She steps inside, pulling me in with her before she shuts her apartment door.

"Because it's late and you showed up on my doorstep, pounding on my door, kissing me like that... well the last time you kissed me like that you were..."

She looks so confused and I'm not surprised. I rubbed the back of my neck. What the hell am I doing? She said she needed the sleep. And once again I'm...

My thoughts are silenced by her lips on mine. My head spun. My hands instantly clutched the back of her nightshirt, crumpling it in my grasp. I pulled her closer. Her hands cradled my face, her breasts are pressed against my chest. My heart is pounding and can hear its rhythm in my ears.

Her lips glide over my jaw to my neck. A groan escapes my lips. This damn shirt of hers gives me no access to her. My hand reaches down to slowly slid up her thigh, lifting the shirt with it. She's not wearing any underwear. My hand pauses at her hip. I can't think of what I should do next, Brittany seems to be the one in control.

Her hands are already tugging my shirt free from my belted pants. Her feather-light touch would almost be a tickle if I wasn't so turned on at the moment. She tugged and I help her free me from its confines.

"Wow!" Brittany blushed as the exclamation, escaped in a breathy whisper. I feel pride that she liked what she saw.

Her hands gently graze my chest, my arms, across my stomach. I closed my eyes as the path of her touch left a burning trail over my skin.

I silently begged her permission. She licked her lips and nodded her head in answer to my unspoken question. A rush of air is expelled from my lips as I released the breath, I did not realize I was holding. My hand grasped the nape of her neck bringing her lips to mine. As my other hand traveled back up under her nightshirt, to the juncture between her thighs.

A sharp intake of breath and I know I had the right spot. I took full advantage of her open mouth to explore hers further. As my tongue explored her mouth, I use my fingers in incite her, to arouse her to a fevered pitch. She let out an excited gasp and it produced a hungry moan from me.

"Should we move this to the bedroom?" Brittany panted, as she clung to me.

In response, I picked her up in my arms and carried her there. I set her down by the bed. She pulled off her nightshirt and I drink her in.

"Brittany you're..." I was at a loss for words and her entire body flushed in response to my unfinished praise.

She reached out to unbuckle my belt. I take her breasts in my hands, gently caressing them, teasing them slightly as she worked to release me from the confines of my clothing. Once free Brittany stepped back and sat on the bed. Lightly I pushed her onto her back. I let my hands roam over her skin, which felt heated to my touch.

She reached out to me and I joined her. We took our time touching, teasing, exploring one another's bodies. I wasn't sure how far to take things since this was our first time together. Part of me is still hesitant about making love to another woman. Sure, I have had sex plenty of times since Olivia and I broke up but this was different. This was a commitment, one I'm not sure I can make.

Brittany must have noticed the shift in my mood. She took her hand and turned my face to look at her. "Hey."

I tried to turn away but she doesn't let me. "Hey. Don't do that. Don't push me away. You have no idea how much I want this. Need this. Need you."

"I want you so badly, it physically hurts," I admitted.

"I know exactly how you feel," Brittany said smiling at me, running her hand over my cheek.

"But I'm afraid."

"Of what?" Her face is frowning in concern, I already miss her look of passion. Way to ruin the mood, Dillion.

"Hurting you."

"Do you mean physically or emotionally?"

I pulled away and sat up in bed. "I keep hurting the people I love. I never mean to but it happens nonetheless. You deserve better. You deserve more."

Brittany scrambled to a kneeling position to face me. She is completely naked and my body ached for her.

"Are you breaking up with me?"

"What? No. I..." Wow, I'm really screwing this up. "Brittany, you deserve everything life has to offer and I want to be the man you deserve. My fear is, however, that I may never measure up."

She smiled endearingly. "And by whose standards are you judging yourself by, may I ask?"

"My own. I guess. I've screwed up so much and I don't want to take advantage of you. I know you are offering yourself to me, but I fear disappointing you."

Brittany crawled towards me. She's shaking her head. "I want you, Dillion Fischer." Her hand glided up my thighs and she took position on my lap. We are now eye to eye. "I have wanted you for a very long time." She deliberately begins moving her body against mine and its maddening.

I pressed my hands on her thighs to stop her. I can't. I can't make love to her, not yet. Not fully. I grasp her breast and I use my mouth to pleasure her. 

"Dillion?"

I gaze up at her. "Don't fight me on this, Brit. I promise you'll be satisfied."

"But?"

I silenced her questions by taking what I wanted and giving her what she wanted. I nibbled. I plundered. I provoked. Brittany begged me to end her torment. She grasped my hair to hold me in place as I feasted upon her.

She said my name again only this time it is to punctuate her climax.

I pulled away and gathered her in my arms, needing to hold her close. She reached over to caress me but I pulled her hand to my lips, placing a kiss against her palm. I shook my head no.

"Not tonight. Tonight is about you. Please allow me this one pleasure."

Brittany kissed my cheek and snuggled in next to my side. Her head is on my chest. I heard her snort. "Disappoint." She giggled. "You really know how to cheer a girl up on a bad day."

Her words produced a chuckle of my own. I squeezed her tight. "Get some sleep. You have an early day tomorrow."

Brittany sits up. "You're staying?"

I nodded.

"Here?" Brittany points to the bed.

"Am I not allowed?"

She squealed and grabbed the quilt at the end of the bed to throw over both of us.

"Thank you," she said cuddling me up as if I were a large stuffed bear. "You are exactly what I needed."

I smiled and kissed the top of her head. "Sweet Dreams, Brittany."

"Sweet dreams, Dillion."