✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

the silence of the night seemed to go on forever. taehyung felt a strong urge to scream in order to alleviate the storm within him. however, he refrained from doing so as yoongi was sitting next to him on the bench in the lobby. taehyung didn't want to reveal his vulnerable side any further to yoongi, but he didn't know what else to do. it was painful for him to stay seated there, holding a cold can of coke in his hand. he wished yoongi would say something but the older just stared up at the sky, as if the sky was more interesting than what happened just now.

or was yoongi mad? after all, jeongguk said a lot of bad stuff about the older and taehyung had doubts if yoongi heard them or not. he wished he didn't, moreover as jeongguk's best friend— the reason why jeongguk said all those words in the first place, he asked yoongi.

"are you upset, hyung?" taehyung glanced at yoongi but soon averted his gaze down to the can when yoongi shifted his eyes from the sky to him.

blinking slowly yoongi tilted his head, "i didn't eavesdrop on your conversation with jeongguk. don't worry"

taehyung looked at yoongi and let out an awkward smile. "ah, i see"

"but judging by your words, bet he said something about me. didn't he?"

"n-no"

"stuff like how i'm a homosexual?" yoongi sneered watching taehyung widen his eyes, as if the boy was busted.

"i deeply apologize on behalf of jeongguk! i don't know what gotten to him... he's not... like... that" taehyung drew the last few words out with uncertainty.

not like that? not like what? homophobic? hell, taehyung never knew jeongguk was homophobic. they have been friends for forever and yet taehyung is still discovering facts- rather disheartening facts about his best friend.

so how could he even defend jeongguk in this situation when he's not sure himself if it was worth for it to begin with.

"it's okay, kid. don't try so hard" yoongi patted taehyung's shoulder and slumped against the bench, looking up at the sky yoongi let out a long sigh after stretching his arms. "falling for a homophobic... i have been there"

"i d-don't l-like him in that way!" taehyung blabbered, getting all defensive which spoke volumes and made yoongi sneer again.

"really?" yoongi stared at taehyung with a curious face. those keen eyes made taehyung nervous, pressurized him to choose his words carefully.

something about that stare cautioned taehyung against lying if he wished to avoid upsetting the older. yoongi can be quite strict at times, but also be an absolute softie at the other times. additionally, based on yoongi's intense gaze, it was evident that he already knew what was happening. so, there was no purpose in lying.

"i don't know" taehyung sighed, retreating his gaze to the cold can that was turning warm under his hold. he was gripping it really tightly, knowing someone other than himself knew about the raging storm inside him - it was uncomfortable. but at the same time, it was strangely nice how he didn't know yoongi for long yet the older approached him about a part of him nobody ever knew about.

"i don't know what that jeongguk guy told you but yes, it's true that i'm gay" yoongi suddenly spoke and left taehyung speechless again by his bluntness. he didn't expect the older to be so transparent about it.

staring at yoongi with slightly enlarged eyes, taehyung turned his body towards him who nonchalantly shrugged seeing the concern in taehyung's eyes. the older was past the stage for any sympathy and his demeanor pretty much told that.

"you must be wondering how i know your friend" taehyung nodded slowly.

"i knew his face from back in high school and his name, well you said it in front of me. other than that i don't know anything else"

"then how... i mean why are you assuming i like him?"

"then am i wrong?" yoongi grinned and taehyung turned slightly flustered.

"you're... not."

"knew it" the grin on yoongi's face seemed to widen from guessing right.

"hyung" taehyung whined. his eyes swollen from crying were now cutely glaring at the older along with those pouty lips.

okay, yoongi couldn't resist that adorableness. however before speaking his eyes softened and the grin faltered as he looked at taehyung who was nervous, even scared after admitting the truth. he had never done that before after all.

"the fight you two had and how you cried so badly on your knees... taehyung i'd be stupid to not guess you have feelings for that guy"

"was it so obvious?"

"eyes tell, taehyung"

yoongi paused for a second, uncertain if he should ask taehyung the question that's been in his mind ever since seeing jeongguk talking to taehyung.

but he asked nevertheless. "are you sure, your friend jeongguk doesn't feel the same for you?"

at that question, taehyung wanted to laugh. no the question wasn't funny, it was downright ridiculous. the idea of jeongguk feeling the same way as him was impossible, especially considering how his best friend reacted just from seeing a gay man — no yoongi must have asked it to make him laugh. but the only laugh taehyung could afford to let out was a laugh of bitterness.

"jeongguk? liking me?" a blue smile adorned his heart-shaped lips.

the thought itself made him giddy, the idea of them being together had crossed his mind before so many times and it wasn't surprising that he longed for jeongguk to reciprocate his feelings. despite knowing it was wrong, his damned heart couldn't help but yearn for it.

if he had a choice to begin with, he would never have allowed himself to fall for jeongguk, but some things are beyond our control.

"it's impossible" taehyung's lips trembled, sensing the urge to cry again so he held it in.

"me and jeongguk... we can n-never be like that"

yoongi immediately felt a pang of regret after seeing how sad taehyung became just from that simple question. skinship wasn't something yoongi was fond of and neither did he think it was needed to make taehyung feel better. sitting in silence and letting your thoughts run wild for a while before they get tired and settle themselves on their own in the corner of your head- it was an effective way for yoongi to deal with any sort of pain. luckily that seemed to work for taehyung as well, as they sat in silence. both of them were done drinking their cold drinks and were now staring up at the night sky.

"wanna talk about it?" taehyung glanced at yoongi and nodded.

"i don't know where to start..."

"you can start from the beginning, the middle, a random part of it, about now or maybe tell me nothing. i'm not asking you to tell me because i'm curious. but because i want you to feel better. talking helps sometimes"

"but why do you want to help me hyung?"

yoongi's eyes were focused on a random star as he blankly let out, "because there was no one there to help me"

he then turned to look at taehyung whose eyes softened, even glistening hearing the older. "so i know how it feels."

being angry at jeongguk was one thing but now taehyung feels shitty. yoongi is such a nice kind hearted guy, someone who definitely had enough suffering from an early age yet hasn't let it break him.

how on earth could his best friend badmouth about yoongi like that? did he not feel even a bit of remorse? jeongguk wasn't like this. he was mean yes, wouldn't hesitate to say shit to people's faces but he wasn't so heartless. the jeongguk taehyung faced today felt as though someone else or maybe,

taehyung never knew jeongguk to begin with.

"you don't have to force yourself. i said talking helps but it doesn't work for everyone. some like to suffer alone"

"i... i really don't know where to start..." looking down at his shoes, taehyung reminisced the old times.

he has spent so much time with jeongguk, they were practically two body one soul at this point. yet there were so many differences between them, taehyung was just realizing it now.

"maybe, start with how you realized you have feelings for him?"

"how i realized..." taehyung licked his lips. remembering his high school years and how most of it was jeongguk, just jeongguk.

one random summer day.

taehyung was standing by the gates of the school. middle school was far better, the pressure of studying was less and he could look after his best friend jeongguk better since they shared the same classes. their bond was so strong that it seemed as if they had been inseparable since birth, making it instinctive for taehyung to be fiercely protective of jeongguk, a trait he had possessed for as long as he could remember.

while high school was rather shitty. pressure of studying was insane. moreover, jeongguk and he didn't even share the same classes anymore. although not sharing the same classes wasn't a problem when jeongguk would hang out with him at any given moment. they were attached to hips all the freaking time.

however, today was different. taehyung hadn't heard anything from jeongguk and now when he was waiting by the gates. jeongguk hadn't come out yet. did he come to school today? taehyung didn't see the boy when he had gone into his classroom during lunchtime. jeongguk must have skipped school.

thinking jeongguk was absent today, taehyung stood upright and turned on his heels to leave, and just then two arms wrapped around his body, very tightly making him stumble forward.

the familiar scent hits his nostril and it didn't take a second for taehyung to realize it was jeongguk.

"gguk?"

"tae..." jeongguk hugged him tightly, snuggling his head against the crook of his neck from behind. inhaling his scent and finding comfort.

taehyung could tell immediately, jeongguk was having a bad day. he always gets this gloomy whenever his day is not going well. jeongguk gets extra touchy and all over taehyung. like taehyung is a teddy bear he has the right to cuddle. but again taehyung never minded it since they have always been like this.

turning around taehyung tried to talk but jeongguk hugged him back again. placing his one arm over jeongguk's back and the other on his hair to stroke it, taehyung softly spoke,

"what's wrong ggukie?" taehyung barely whispered, careful to not have anything but softness in his tone. jeongguk already seemed pretty sad.

"nothing... i just want to hug you" jeongguk had muttered over the skin on taehyung's neck making the male ticklish.

letting out a soft chuckle, taehyung kept stroking jeongguk's hair, letting the boy hug him like a koala. "did you miss me?"

"a lot" jeongguk's tone slightly trembled. taehyung didn't know what was wrong that jeongguk sounded so weak.

honestly, taehyung never understood why they were so attached to each other anyway— their friendship exceeded those normal ones. they were each other's everything— in a platonic way, or taehyung believed so until that day.

taehyung tried to pull away to see jeongguk but the boy kept hugging him like his life depended on it. again, taehyung didn't mind it as he stood there with jeongguk having his arms wrapped around his body. the tranquil ambiance of the setting sun casting its gentle orange hues upon them, the graceful flight of passing birds and the cool breeze brushing against their skin created a sense of peace that made taehyung reluctant to disentangle himself from the comforting hug as well.

however after a while, taehyung felt jeongguk's body shivering slightly. instantly taehyung grabbed jeongguk's arms and pushed him off a bit to have a look at his face.

"ggukie..." taehyung swiped his thumb over jeongguk's cheekbone.

"why are you crying?"

jeongguk tried to look away and wipe his tears but taehyung held his wrist and made him look at him.

those doe bambi eyes were filled with tears and pink lips trembling to not let out any sobs.

"gguk? hey, what's wrong?" taehyung cupped jeongguk's face and from the gesture jeongguk finally broke into tears while he grabbed the hands that were cupping his face.

"i had a terrible dream last night tae" jeongguk hiccuped. "i... s-saw you leaving me... then the darkness... it screamed at me... i tried to grab your hand but you d-disappeared..."

hearing jeongguk, taehyung giggled, pressing his hands hard against jeongguk's face to make his lips puckered. "you're crying because of a silly dream?"

"no you don't understand!" jeongguk slightly raised his voice as he pushed away taehyung's hands and took a step back.

"the dream felt so real! you... you left me tae! if that happens in real life, what would happen to me?" jeongguk wept, the fear in those brown eyes starlet taehyung.

okay, jeongguk wasn't playing around. he was genuinely anxious, the way he so tightly hugged him as if he was seeing him for the last time was the proof.

at that instant, taehyung was unsure of what caused his heart to race - witnessing jeongguk's vulnerable tears or realizing the depth of jeongguk's fear of losing him. it could have been both. observing jeongguk's beautiful yet frightened expression bathed in the warm orange glow of the setting sun— solely for him, stirred a peculiar sensation within taehyung.

involuntarily taehyung placed his hand over his chest and realized just how fast his heart was beating. when he looked at jeongguk, his heart seemed to pick up even more.

has jeongguk always looked so beautiful? taehyung shouldn't feel that way, he should comfort jeongguk but he couldn't. he just stared at his best friend, the weird sensation made his heart go all fuzzy— oh no, he never felt like this before.

and perhaps that was the peak moment when taehyung realized that he had fallen in love with jeongguk, his childhood best friend.

taehyung had wiped those tears and hugged jeongguk again, he could feel jeongguk's heart beating just as loud. but he knew it deep down, they both had different reasons.

taehyung caressed jeongguk's head and promised the boy, "i will never leave you ggukie. i promise"

"that day, i think i realized that i have feelings for him" taehyung finished and yoongi nodded, still staring at him with a blank face.

"so many years has passed and you're still in love with him... i guess the chances of moving on are less" yoongi's words were painfully true.

back in high school when the teenage taehyung had found out he liked jeongguk romantically and not just as a friend, he had panicked and even tried to ignore the boy for a few days which never succeeded. eventually taehyung concluded he was just a hormonal teenager, who could be infatuated even with his male best friend. he thought he would get over this little infatuation— but unfortunately he never did.

now the current taehyung wondered, if he knew how things were going to be harder for him right now, would his teenage self be a little more cautious and not recklessly fall in love with jeongguk? guess, he can never find out the answer for that.

"have you ever thought of telling him?"

taehyung snapped his head towards yoongi and shook his head aggressively. as if even talking about it would expose him to the world, to jeongguk.

"never. for as long i live, i do not plan on telling him"

"and why is that so?"

"because..." taehyung scoffed, "he will hate me" he then looked at yoongi, his eyes looked so sad that yoongi again regretted asking him such a sensitive question.

"i don't want my ggukie to hate me" taehyung's voice trembled. the thought of jeongguk finding out about his feelings one day scared him like nothing else. he would not be able to handle the hatred his best friend would have for him after that. can't even imagine staying away from jeongguk just because his silly little heart came in the way.

he treasured their friendship to the point he was willing to hurt for his entire life.

"it's okay. i understand, do what you want to and just so you know, i'm here to listen, okay kid?" yoongi ruffled taehyung's hair and stood up, stretching his arms and letting out another yawn.

then the older looked down at taehyung who was already staring up at him. "let's go sleep now. didn't you want to hang out with me tomorrow?" yoongi gave a small smile which brought a bigger smile to taehyung's face.

taehyung jumped to his feet, "yes!"

⌗⌗⌗

the next day, yoongi was actually waiting outside the door and taehyung was pretty starlet to see the older waiting for him. he had almost forgotten today he was going to hang out with yoongi.

they walked together and after reaching the university, they separated ways as they had different classes. they shared the second class, which was mr sang's. luckily until then, taehyung hadn't seen jeongguk, not around the campus or lurking outside of his classes. he did receive some calls from jeongguk but those were at the crack of dawn. why was jeongguk awake so late, taehyung had no idea.

he just hoped that the boy wasn't drinking alcohol the whole night as jeongguk has a tendency to drink excessively when he's in a shitty mood. though the chances of this being the case were extremely high and if he had indeed been drinking all night, there was a good chance he would be skipping uni, which was something taehyung secretly hoped for. he wasn't ready to face his best friend just yet and didn't want to be bombarded with questions he had no answers for either.

after mr sang's class was over, yoongi and taehyung got out together and decided to go hang around in the nearest café until their next class.

"can't believe you agreed to hang out with me" taehyung chuckled as they walked side by side, strolling around lazily as they had a lot of time in hand until the next class started.

"if it makes you feel better then why not?" yoongi replied nonchalantly which made taehyung smile again.

taehyung found great comfort and enjoyment in spending time with yoongi. unlike many others, yoongi had a calm and reserved demeanor which allowed taehyung to fully be himself in his presence. in fact, taehyung even felt comfortable enough to let his bratty side show occasionally, as yoongi never seemed to mind.

this level of acceptance and understanding was rare for taehyung, especially considering that yoongi was aware of his deepest secret. despite this, yoongi never once made taehyung regret confiding in him. it was truly refreshing.

they were talking about random stuff and weren't aware of who was approaching them.

until a hand wrapped around taehyung's wrist, making the boy starlet as he turned to his side, eyes slightly widened to see,

jeongguk.

oh shit.

jeongguk's grip on his hand was so tight that it was almost painful, causing him unease. his eyes were filled with a fiery anger and lips were curled into a deep frown. oh jeongguk looked mad mad.

"what the hell are you doing? let me go!" taehyung whisper yelled at the boy, not wanting to gain attention from the students around the campus.

"i think i told you already, we need to talk" jeongguk spoke in a raspy voice that sounded rough and his eyes were bloodshot. it was clear that he had been drinking the entire night. the stench of alcohol emanating from him was so overpowering that it made taehyung feel sick. it seemed that jeongguk hadn't even taken the time to freshen up before arriving here, likely coming straight from bed without washing up.

"there's nothing to talk about, let go" taehyung replied while glaring at the boy.

"why are you talking like that to me? what the fuck is my fault?" jeongguk muttered, a hurt expression on his angered face making his features look slightly softened. but taehyung didn't want to fall for that softness again.

after all, it never ends well for him.

if for once he acted a bit harsh with jeongguk, maybe then jeongguk would think twice before speaking whatever came to his mind. that was the only intention that made taehyung behave like this, neither he wouldn't bother because no matter how much jeongguk would hurt him, he knew he could never truly hate this boy. he loved him too much for that.

before taehyung could say anything else, yoongi stepped forward and grabbed the hand that was gripping taehyung's wrist before shoving it away, letting taehyung break free.

jeongguk's eyes narrowed in sheer anger as he turned to focus on yoongi who was now standing in front of taehyung, blocking jeongguk from taehyung.

"get fucking lost." jeongguk snarled as he stepped forward to intimidate yoongi but the older looked dead into his eyes, not caring that jeongguk was even taller and more muscular than him, which might put him at a disadvantage if they assorted to a physical fight.

"how about you fuck off? taehyung clearly doesn't want to talk to you" yoongi blankly let out making jeongguk's blood boil even further.

"i'm gonna break your fucking jaw if you don't move out of the way right now" jeongguk snarled, inching even closer.

seeing the intensity of the situation taehyung couldn't just stand there and watch.

"you—" yoongi couldn't speak further as taehyung came in between them, looking at jeongguk with a look that screamed 'don't create a ruckus here' and jeongguk looked away for a few seconds to calm himself down. after all, whatever taehyung says, he would do it in a heartbeat.

"let's talk somewhere quiet. don't start a fight here" taehyung grabbed jeongguk's hand and jeongguk nodded in return. the anger subsided quite a bit when taehyung held his wrist so tenderly.

just a touch from his best friend, calms jeongguk down to the core.

"taehyung-ah, are you sure you want to go with this guy?" yoongi asked out of concern if taehyung would be alright. but jeongguk misinterpreted those words, wondering how much had they gotten close to be talking like that. it made him feel shittier.

"i'm fine, hyung. sorry we can't hang out today, maybe next time"

"it's okay." yoongi nonchalantly nodded. still unsure if he really should let taehyung leave with jeongguk.

"i'll text you later. bye" taehyung then turned to jeongguk, glaring at him before he dragged the boy to somewhere outside the university because taehyung couldn't afford anyone else to see jeongguk's erratic behavior.

reaching an alley where he made sure no one was passing by, taehyung let go of jeongguk's wrist and made some distance between them.

"what is wrong with you?" taehyung spoke first, a hint of annoyance in his tone as he tiredly looked at jeongguk who just stared at him, hurt.

"shouldn't i be asking you that, tae? what's wrong with you? why are you behaving so cold to me?"

"i'm not"

"you are. you are fucking being mean to me and you know i can bear anything but not you ignoring me, don't you?"

jeongguk gently clasped taehyung's arm, his gaze filled with tenderness as he tried to alleviate his best friend's anger and honestly it was working — but that was the problem. whenever jeongguk would show a bit of vulnerability or desperation, taehyung's thin wall would crumble like it never existed. he hated it because he knew no matter what jeongguk would do he'd forgive him just because it was jeongguk who did it.

taehyung loves jeongguk just so fucking much.

however, the words jeongguk said last night kept ringing in his ear and he knew if he let jeongguk off the hook so easily, he might say those words again and taehyung would take anything but the hatred jeongguk has for people like him— someone who is disgustingly in love with their male best friend.

"leave me alone, jeongguk. i don't want to talk right now"

that was the trigger for it all. before taehyung could realize it, jeongguk had gripped his arms tightly and spun him around before slamming him on the wall making taehyung yelp in pain.

"jeongguk!"

jeongguk's eye twitched and he smashed his fist against the wall beside taehyung's head.

crack.

taehyung flinched hearing that sound.

with widened eyes, taehyung glanced at jeongguk's fist which he could tell was already bleeding from the harsh hit before his now teary eyes slowly met jeongguk's.

jeongguk was already crying.

their tearful eyes locked into melancholic contact.

jeongguk raised his fist, taehyung's eyes were drawn to the sight of crimson staining his knuckles and before he could stop the male, jeongguk smashed his fist on the wall again.

crack.

fuck.

"gguk!"

"gguk? why? call me jeongguk, won't you?" jeongguk weakly muttered, as he leaned in closer— completely trapping taehyung under him.

taehyung's vision was blurred with tears as he gazed at jeongguk, blinking his eyes filled with tears made them cascade down his cheeks. as the tears fell, he could see jeongguk clearly again, now witnessing the pain and anguish etched on his face. jeongguk, the boy he cherished and loved, appeared so broken and desolate, his doe-like eyes turning red and brimming with tears, his trembling lips betraying the turmoil within him. it pained taehyung to see his only love suffering so much.

"i'm sorry okay? i insulted your friend, said many bad things and i'm always annoying you... i'm sorry. you can punch me, slap me, beat the shit out of me but please... just please don't call me jeongguk. don't treat me like a stranger"

jeongguk raised his hand, stained with his own blood and gently pressed it against taehyung's dampened face. as he did so, the blood smeared across taehyung's features but he no longer paid any heed to it. his sole focus was on the sight before him - the sight of jeongguk, once strong and invincible, now appearing fragile and broken, all because of him.

the realization that he was the cause of jeongguk's pain weighed heavily on taehyung's heart.

"don't abandon me tae... i'm nothing without you" jeongguk whispered and it sent chills down taehyung's spine.

placing his hand over jeongguk's bloody hand, he let the hot blood smear on his palm. "yet you can't stop hurting me"

jeongguk smiled sadly, "i hurt you?"

"a lot" taehyung let out truthfully.

"does that mean you hate me?"

"no, you know i can never hate you gguk"

"i'm sorry for hurting you."

taehyung chuckled at that. taking the bloody hand off his face he looked down at it, his heart aching seeing the bruises and blood on those beautiful knuckles.

"it's alright. it hurts good" jeongguk stared at taehyung, and noticed his own blood smudged on that beautiful face, those big brown eyes slightly swollen from crying and heart shaped lips tinted pink from biting on them— taehyung looked so miserably beautiful.

"can you hug me?" jeongguk muttered.

"first let's treat your fist, it's bleeding so much" taehyung insisted, looking around to see if there was any pharmacy but no people or stores were open around at that hour.

"no, hug me first"

"gguk"

"please?" jeongguk sulked and how could taehyung say no to that?

sighing, he pulled the boy close and wrapped his arms around him. jeongguk hugged back immediately, pressing their bodies together.

at that time,

both knew,

how fast their hearts were beating.

for obviously, different reasons.

━━━━━━━━

writing this story hurts ngl.