✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

jeongguk was not scared of a lot of things. microwaves were one thing- the odd machines that kept him on edge every time he used them which were obviously not a lot of times. since he was afraid they'd explode any minute. so he avoided using them.

he was also scared of the nightmares that haunted him every once in a while, be a goddamn reminder of what he had done. so on nights he knew for sure they would come, he tried not to sleep. as painful and exhausting as it was, he avoided sleep altogether.

there were a few more things jeongguk knew he was scared of. but he knew for a fact, nothing was scarier than taehyung leaving him. jeongguk was so scared of the male leaving him one day, he was all the more scared of the reason being his true self. that one day when taehyung would find out about his true colors, about his so fucked up past- he would leave him. so jeongguk avoided his true self too.

he had tried his dying best to bury it deep down, but some truths no matter how much you try, can't be outrun. jeongguk couldn't escape it either. he couldn't avoid his real self, his past, or the terrifying possibility that taehyung might hate him for all of it.

but at that moment, as he stood by the door, eyes wide and bulging at the sight of taehyung's collar being gripped so harshly by his own father- it awoke a new fear.

the fear of not being able to protect taehyung.

"why didn't you tell me this boy is your lover?" his father said, a hint of amusement lacing his tone, like everything was so fucking hilarious to him.

"let him go," he breathed out, almost choking on his own words when his father didn't stop smiling, his gaze fixed on him.

oh, he hated how his father looked at him.

"let him go." he repeated, a little sharper,

"not before i hear it from your mouth. is he your lover?"

jeongguk took a step forward, his eyes shifting to taehyung who was tearful, helpless and calling for him through his eyes. and so instinctively, he took more steps, his mind now racing- wondering what on earth had been the conversation to make dojin grab taehyung by the collar like that? to dare put those tears in his eyes? oh jeongguk was seeing red. and he was scared- scared of himself, scared of the things he could possibly do right now.

when he got close enough for it to be a face to face confrontation, he repeated, this time his voice dangerously low, "i said, let.him.go."

"are you threatening me?"

jeongguk snarled, "yes. now let him go, or i won't give a damn that you're my father."

dojin's eyes widened slightly- so did his mother's and cheolsu's, who weren't standing far. they all saw the rage burning in jeongguk's gaze, the way his jaw clenched so hard it looked painful- he was not kidding.

"gguk... it's o-okay," taehyung croaked out, finally making jeongguk snap his gaze back to him. the rage in his eyes immediately melted into the familiar softness and it happened so fast, in front of his own family that only a fool would mistake it for a friendly look.

upon the realization, jeongguk's mother covered her mouth, staring at him in pure shock. "you're gay?"

he didn't spare her a glance. his eyes were locked on dojin, who had stopped smiling and was now just staring. "i said, fucking let go of him."

dojin released taehyung's collar.

taehyung stumbled back from the sudden release, a gasp leaving his lips as he reached up to touch his neck.

dojin took a step toward jeongguk, stopping right in front of him, hands shoved inside his pockets. he kept staring.

"i let go of him. now you answer me." dojin shrugged, "is he your lover?"

it was shocking as hell that dojin didn't yell at him. even though jeongguk had said something that clearly crossed the line, dojin's silence was unsettling, dangerous even. it made jeongguk feel strange. why was this man so calm?

he ignored the question burning in his mind and grabbed taehyung's wrist, turning to him instead. taehyung looked startled, his tearful eyes locking onto his- jeongguk's heart burned at the sight. he needed taehyung out of that house. now.

"let's go," he said softly, pulling on his hand. taehyung complied. but just as they started walking, dojin spoke again.

"i'm not going to hurt you or him, jeongguk. i just want to know the truth."

jeongguk's steps halted, so did taehyung's. slowly, he turned his head toward his father who stood there, just staring- nothing else.

"what are you saying-" his mother started but dojin simply raised a hand, silencing her.

"you paint me as the villain, but i'm not, son. just think it through- who's really the villain here?"

who's really the villain here.

who?
who?
who?

jeongguk didn't want to answer the question. for, he already knew the answer very well- he has known it since that incident happened to his hyung.

he just wanted to be out of there. his feet were aching to move again, his grip on taehyung's wrist tightening all the more from the contemplation. taehyung looked at him, worried. he gently placed his hand over jeongguk's, making the male avert his gaze from his father to him.

taehyung softly whispered, "you can tell them. you can be brave too, gguk"

brave.

could he be brave too?

however, just when jeongguk was thinking, doing the most by even considering the idea of being true to himself, to be brave- his father's voice cut through his thoughts once more.

"tell the truth, jeongguk. try saying it for once."

he shifted his gaze to his father, who stood there with that same smile- one jeongguk had seen years ago. the smile dojin had worn when he told jake to listen to his father. a smile that held a meaning words couldn't capture. there was no difference at all.

to be brave is to be yourself.

but jeongguk wasn't himself.

could he ever be?

he thought not.

so he rasped out a-

"no."

he could feel taehyung's eyes on him but at that moment, he couldn't meet them.

dojin kept smiling. "okay."

jeongguk grabbed taehyung's wrist and stormed out of that place.

╸╸╸

"why did you just let him go?" mrs. jeon sniffled, plopping down on the couch in devastation- as if jeongguk had committed the biggest crime known to mankind.

dojin adjusted his shirt and took a seat himself. cheolsu stood there, watching his father with an uncertain expression.

"we found our answer," dojin said in a monotonous tone.

"and that doesn't bother you? our son... our son is going down the same path as jake!" mrs. jeon yelled, nearly standing up in rage.

"he's not- because he is nothing like jake," dojin sighed. "thankfully."

"what do you mean? after everything that just happened- how are you still saying he's not?"

dojin smirked, eyes glinting with something unreadable, something devilish. "say jeongguk and that boy really are in love. what do you think happens next?"

"you really want me to imagine that? oh, i can't even believe taehyung, out of all people, would do this to my son! i loved that boy as if he were my own, and this is what he did in return?"

"honey, stop the weeping and answer me." dojin's clear-cut voice made her snap her gaze to him, disbelief written all over her face.

"w-what are you thinking?"

"hm, nothing." dojin thought back to how his son had looked- it made him chuckle in amusement. cheolsu and mrs. jeon both stared at him in pure disbelief.

"let's just say jeongguk is gay. so what?"

"so what?" mrs. jeon repeated, her tone sharp with shock. what was this man even on about?

"jake was actually pretty stupid, you see. he exposed himself to his family, to us. that was his downfall, not being gay, no. if he had been careful enough and never let that side show, do you think any of that would have ever happened? if only he'd acted normal, even if that wasn't what he felt, no one would have ever found out."

"my brother... i have to say, he's ruthless. he didn't give his son a chance to act. he opted for violence, when it's the silence, the space for all the interpretation, that does the magic." he placed his legs over the table, looking at his wife with that same devilish smile, it could send shivers down anyone's spine.

"you know, honey... i've always known our son feels something for that boy."

the woman's eyes widened as she gasped, "what?"

"yes. at first, i wanted to confront him if he really does but that would've been a stupid decision. jeongguk wasn't doing anything out of line, nor was that boy. they acted normal, and that's all that mattered."

"but he almost did," mrs. jeon said in uncertainty like whatever her husband was saying was a riddle she couldn't solve.

"yes," dojin mused, a smirk returning to his lips. "and that's where my son is different from jake. jake was stupid- he thought his family would understand. he believed people wouldn't turn against him. he let his guard down, and look where that got him."

"jeongguk won't make that mistake. he almost did, yes. but he stopped just in time. why? because he knows that playing along isn't cowardice- it's strategy." he chuckled, "he almost got himself in trouble though. guess, my dear son still has a long way to go"

"so what you're saying is that he should just keep pretending for the rest of his life?" dojin turned his head up at cheolsu who stepped closer, glaring down at him with an angered expression.

dojin chuckled, eyes gleaming as he looked up at his son. "pretending? no. he should simply understand that people don't need the truth- they need an image. a performance. that's how the world works." he exhaled slowly, his gaze darkening. "and, boy, my son is a great performer."

"my brother almost died, father," cheolsu gritted out. "he tried committing suicide once. just like jake. how could you forget that?"

"but he didn't, did he?"

cheolsu widened his eyes in pure disgust. he couldn't believe the words his father just uttered. he looked at his mother, seeing the same shock and disgust on her face but he knew she would never speak up, had never done it for once. their family was one big shitshow.

"that was a foolish mistake he made and i remember losing my cool that day. told him many harsh things. i almost reacted like my brother and see, that pushed him to almost react like jake. but i've learned from my mistake. silence is the key. violence isn't."

"you're sick" cheolsu spat out.

"wait, since when do you care about your younger brother, cheol?" dojin mused, standing up to be eye level with his son. "last time i checked, you hated him."

cheolsu pressed his lips together for a few seconds. that was the truth, wasn't it? he hated jeongguk- after all, his brother was everything he wasn't. he had his life sorted out pretty much, perhaps he lacked in some aspects, but wasn't he still better than him?

even though he knew, in some corner of his heart, he was glad that his brother was better than him. despite everything- jeongguk didn't give up on himself, unlike him. so how could he blame jeongguk for turning out so miserable? that was on him. not helping jake or jeongguk and from getting addicted to drugs- it was all on him.

however, that didn't mean he'd let history repeat itself again. he wouldn't let his brother walk the same path as jake, which his father was more or less pushing him to. he didn't want someone else to suffer from regrets. he had enough regrets himself. now, if jeongguk suffered from regrets for not getting to love the one he wanted, that would affect him so badly- cheolsu understood that possible outcome very well.

so, he looked into the man's eyes and spat out,

"i don't hate him. i hate the fact he's turned out like this and there was nothing i could do to stop him. if anything, i contributed to this fucked-up game this family has made."

dojin's calm expression twisted into something sick as he seized hold of cheolsu's jaw, making the male yelp in pain.

"honey! don't hurt him!" the woman stepped closer, dojin gestured her to not.

he looked directly into cheolsu's enraged yet fearful eyes. "fucked-up game? the only thing that's fucked here is the sons i have. one a drug addict, the other a homosexual. don't you think your father here is being rather patient with both of you?"

he tightened the grip while gritting his teeth together, "have you ever thought how i feel? both my sons are fucked in the head. what can be worse than this for a parent, huh?"

cheolsu grabbed the hand that held his jaw and instead of pushing it away, he clutched it tightly as he rasped out with much difficulty, "i might be fucked, but he isn't. being in love doesn't make him sick."

dojin scoffed, "don't tell me, you're too-"

"no. but i've realized over the years, over the pile of regrets, over this emptiness in my heart that- jake was never wrong. nor will my brother be if he loves someone of the same gender. that poisonous seed of hatred you engraved in my head cracked years ago when jake committed suicide. but what a coward i am. i decided to suffer in regret and drugs. but i'm sure the seed will crack for jeongguk too and when it will, he won't end up like me. and you'll see because- it's just about time."

"how fucking dare you-" dojin tightened his grip on cheolsu's jaw but the male just smirked.

"you have tamed me, but jeongguk? for how long do you think he'll hide? your perfect happy house. do you think it'll last forever?"

dojin slowly let go of his jaw, massaging his wrist as a smirk appeared on his wrinkled face.

"it will. because trust me, if jeongguk really loved that taehyung, he wouldn't have hidden for so long- at least not today, when it's so clear he doesn't fear me one bit. it's just an infatuation with that boy, and time will make him realize it wasn't love."

"i'll bet on otherwise," cheolsu challenged. dojin's eyes darkened in warning.

seeing the alarming look on his father's face, cheolsu pressed on, "and when that time comes, i'll protect him. what i failed to do back then, i'll do now. you have my word."

"no need for that. that day will never come." dojin turned around, walking away before muttering, "now, show yourself the way out. don't want the police raiding my house because of your drug allegations again."

cheolsu looked at his mother, who gazed at him with helpless eyes. "see you, mom," and he was soon out of the house.

jeongguk didn't look behind once. he didn't want to see his family members' faces, for one thing. but most importantly, he didn't want to see the kind of look taehyung had on while following him.

although, he knew he couldn't ignore him forever. silently, he let go of taehyung's wrist as he got in the driver's seat, watching from his peripheral vision as taehyung did the same.

there was a lot on his mind. the first thing was why taehyung was here and what he had said for dojin to grab him by the collar like that. however, he couldn't find the will to ask as the silence stretched.

however, the silence didn't last even a minute as taehyung turned his head at him. he hadn't expected taehyung to talk to him. he thought he would be mad at him for being a fucking coward yet again. he expected taehyung to be totally done with him.

yet, here he was, talking to him.

"are you not going to ask me what i was doing here?"

jeongguk licked his lips, gripping the steering wheel under his fingertips tightly. he took a deep breath and looked ahead, thankfully, none of his family members were following them. he had thought they would; he always expected the worst from them.

"are you going to tell me?"

"of course, why wouldn't i?"

jeongguk plopped his head onto the steering wheel.

"gguk, hey, what's wrong?" taehyung's voice was so soft and soothing, it made jeongguk feel pretty fucking sad.

"wait... are you crying?" taehyung grabbed jeongguk's shoulder, pushing him up but the male didn't let him do so easily. he kept resisting but when taehyung tried enough, jeongguk eventually leaned back against the seat, looking up in a effort to stop the tears but they were already flowing freely down his face.

"you really are crying," taehyung said, like it wasn't the most obvious thing. seeing those pearl-like tears in those beautiful bambi eyes was a sight as painful as it was beautiful.

"why? what's making you so sad, gguk?"

"you," he breathed out. "you're making me so sad, tae."

"how, baby? what did i do?" taehyung cupped jeongguk's face in his hand and the said male leaned into the warmth, closing his eyes and taking in deep breaths.

"you're so kind. you're an angel," he started sobbing softly. "you don't deserve to be stuck with me in this hell at all."

"and that's fucking sad because i want you. i want you to stay so bad, it's killing me."

he sniffled, wiping his tears with his shaky hand. he was actually shaking. taehyung grew worried, but jeongguk continued speaking.

"i had this one chance to be brave, for me, for you, for us. but i blew it off too. i just had to look them in the eyes and say, yes, taehyung is my lover. it was that simple, wasn't it tae?"

"no, it wasn't," taehyung answered, making jeongguk open his tearful eyes and look at him, a little taken aback.

taehyung looked at him sincerely, caressing his tear-soaked cheek as if to wipe them away. "if it was supposed to be that fucking easy, then tell me why it took me so many years to look in your eyes and tell you that i, kim taehyung, love you. why?"

when jeongguk just stared, taehyung spoke further. "it takes a lot to be brave, gguk. i had my moment, that one fleeting second when i realized that if i didn't confess right then, i'd lose you forever. that night on the balcony- that had been my fleeting moment. but if i have to be honest, i wasn't brave at all. i was terrified. terrified of you. can you imagine? you, the person i've known my whole life, my best friend, my entire life- i was scared of you. does that sound like courage to you? because to me, it doesn't." taehyung shook his head.

"it wasn't bravery, it was desperation. a reckless and impulsive decision made in the heat of the moment because i knew i was standing on the edge of losing you and i couldn't bear it. if i had thought about it any longer, i would've never said it." jeongguk parted his lips, and taehyung nodded to emphasize.

"yes, if it wasn't for that fleeting second, maybe right now, we'd still be treating each other like strangers. because the truth is, i never wanted to confess that night- not like that, not when the fear of losing you was the only thing pushing me forward."

taehyung smiled; amidst all the misery, he still managed to smile for his jeongguk. "let me tell you, that's not courage. that's fate. the fate that pushed me to you for one final try. and luckily for me, it worked. but would it for you?"

"we don't know yet, but we can take time. we have all the time in the world, baby," taehyung leaned closer and kissed jeongguk's tearful eye before placing his head against the side of his head. "we will figure it out, yeah?"

"what if you regret?"

"hm, well, will we try enough before that?"

jeongguk eased into taehyung's touch. "we will."

"then if things still go wrong, will you let go of me?"

jeongguk turned his head towards taehyung, the answer already in his eyes.

"i'd rather not exist at all, tae."

"then what the hell is regret?" taehyung's heart-shaped lips spread into one of the warmest smiles and it made jeongguk's heart swell with love for the boy.

he sniffled, wiping his tears to clear his vision because missing out on a sight of his taehyung smiling was a literal crime.

"now..." taehyung then unlocked the door and got out of the car. jeongguk watched as the male walked around the car, now standing at his side.

"i wanna drive and take you somewhere."

"but where?"

taehyung whined, "no questions, switch places!" and jeongguk did so.

however, when taehyung turned on the engine, jeongguk asked, "won't you tell me what happened back there though?"

"of course. but first, let's leave this place. i know you're feeling suffocated. let's get some fresh air."

~~~

the engine purred as taehyung drove through the familiar seoul streets. the silence in the car remained but it wasn't necessarily uncomfortable. jeongguk's eyes flickered from the window to taehyung who was focused on the road, the occasional hum escaping his lips as he hummed along with the radio.

after a few minutes, jeongguk couldn't hold back the question any longer. "so, where are we really going?"

taehyung shot him a quick grin, eyes still on the road. "you'll see."

jeongguk wanted to argue that he couldn't sit in silence and watch him hum so beautifully while his mind gnawed with nervousness on what had happened earlier. but the way taehyung's voice stayed light and carefree made it hard to keep the tension alive, the male's nonchalance was making him feel rather ease too and he didn't know should he really be off guard at the moment.

it wasn't a long drive as soon enough, they pulled up in front of a cozy local korean restaurant tucked away on a side street. jeongguk looked out the window, lips parting in surprise.

"isn't this-"

"our used-to-eat-out place, yes."

the memories of them coming to this place after school everyday rushed through jeongguk's head before he heard taehyung's cheerful voice, "who's hungry?"

he blinked. "i thought we were gonna talk..."

"we will. but not on an empty stomach. i'm starving." taehyung rubbed his stomach childishly before unbuckling his seatbelt like he didn't have a care in the world.

jeongguk was taken aback, still trying to wrap his head around how easily taehyung was acting after everything happened back at his place. before he could say anything, taehyung was already out of the car, standing by the front door and motioning for him to hurry up.

with a quiet sigh, jeongguk joined him, watching with curiosity as taehyung led the way inside.

the moment they stepped in, the familiar aroma wrapped around him like a memory. the place hadn't changed at all- not since the last time they had lunch here after their high school graduation. nostalgia hit him hard, creeping into his chest, warming him from the inside out. all the bad thoughts started to fade as they made their way to their usual spot by the corner window.

"oh my- taehyungie, is that you?"

both taehyung and jeongguk looked up at the old man standing by their table, wearing the shop's apron and smiling warmly.

"uncle baek!" taehyung grinned. "how have you been?"

"i've been good! but what about you? it's been months since i last saw you!"

months? jeongguk frowned slightly. to him, it had been years. did taehyung keep coming here all this time? he guessed so, judging by the way uncle baek recognized him instantly. the same man who had watched them grow up, eating here after school with whatever pocket money was left after blowing most of it on video games and snacks.

then, the man's eyes landed on him. jeongguk barely had time to register it before the man's face lit up in surprise.

"jeongguk?"

"yes" he gave a timid nod.

"wah our little jeonggukie!" uncle baek laughed, ruffling his hair like no time had passed. jeongguk stiffened at first, but the warmth in the gesture quickly melted his hesitation. "where the hell had you disappear to, huh? taehyungie here came by every sunday, alone. you have no idea how many times i asked about you. you two were always glued together, so it was sad seeing him come here without you."

he sighed, nodding as if satisfied. "glad to see you two back together."

jeongguk blinked, not knowing what to say. but then, a small smile tugged at his lips.

right. he was glad too.

"i'll have the usual," he said with his boyish grin.

the man raised an eyebrow. "bold of you to assume i still remember what you two used to order every single day."

jeongguk and taehyung grinned together as uncle baek chuckled. "i'll be right back."

as he walked away, jeongguk turned to taehyung, still looking a little surprised.

"i know what you're thinking," taehyung said before jeongguk could even ask. "yeah, i came here every sunday. weird, right? considering we only ever came together back in the day. it felt weird to me too. coming alone kinda sucked, made me depressed every time. but... i guess it was my way of holding onto the old times." he shrugged. "plus, the food's good and cheap."

so taehyung came here in order to relive the old times. jeongguk didn't know what to do with that information except regret for the time that had passed because of their own misunderstandings.

the food was soon served and seeing his favorite dishes in front of him pulled jeongguk back in time- back to when he and taehyung used to share a single bowl, when taehyung would sometimes let him have the last few bites because he loved watching jeongguk eat more than eating himself.

but now, they didn't have to think before ordering another bowl. they could freely watch each other eat to their heart's content. it was lovely, how the taste and smell was making jeongguk nostalgic. he couldn't describe this feeling but seeing how taehyung was once in a while smiling at him told him, this wasn't only about the food. it had more to do with the emotions. he realized taehyung brought him here to cheer him up and boy, he loved taehyung's way of making him feel better.

what he didn't expect was for taehyung to have more planned. as after eating, he grabbed jeongguk's wrist and dragged him straight into an arcade.

~~~

the place was alive with flashing neon lights and all the games jeongguk had seen years ago. they stayed the same, just how he had last seen them- as if everything had been waiting for him. he playfully scoffed as taehyung led him through the aisles of games like a kid on a sugar rush. the nostalgia was hitting him hard with each step he took, hand in hand with the boy he has lived through it all.

"really?"

"yes, really," taehyung grinned, "loser buys ice cream"

"you do know you're terrible at these, right?"

"i've gotten better since last time" taehyung rolled his eyes.

jeongguk chuckled, shaking his head before following taehyung to a shooting game- and taehyung being terrible at aiming but excellent at making jeongguk laugh, spent more time panicking over the reload button than actually shooting. at some point, when it was clear to jeongguk that he was winning so far, he decided to pretend to struggle and let taehyung score.

"you're letting me win, aren't you?" taehyung narrowed his eyes, pressing the trigger frantically.

"of course not," jeongguk lied, smirking as he landed a headshot to convince him. but taehyung was pouting, giving up on the game.

"rematch. different game." taehyung glared at the other, "this time, play fair"

and boy, did he regret saying that.

they went through air hockey (where jeongguk obliterated him), racing games (where taehyung nearly broke the wheel in frustration) and even a round at the dance machine where taehyung finally had an upper hand, jeongguk finding it hard to keep up (it was mostly because he was too busy watching taehyung cutely dance from his peripheral vision).

looking around for what to play next, taehyung's eyes suddenly fell on the claw machine. a hello kitty plushie caught his attention, and seeing taehyung look at it with those big brown eyes, jeongguk looked at it too, a smile curling his lips.

taehyung heard shuffling beside him. turning his head, he watched as jeongguk put a coin in the machine, entirely focusing on the plushie he had been eyeing as his hands moved along the handles cautiously. his tongue peeked out in concentration and eyebrows creased together. taehyung blinked slowly at him and then back at the machine, his eyes twinkling in excitement as the claw caught the hello kitty plushie.

when the plushie came out of the machine, jeongguk with a shy smile, took it and stretched his hands out to offer the plushie to taehyung. the aforementioned male looked at it and then at jeongguk's flushed face. oh god, was he shy now? taehyung's boxy smile showed as he took the plushie and hugged it tightly.

"thank you jeonggukie"

seeing taehyung so happy, jeongguk couldn't help the smile widening on his lips, his eyes creasing in pure love.

"you know, i still have the tata plushie you won for me back in middle school. i can't sleep at night without it"

jeongguk remembered seeing it back at his place but he was too shy to say anything about it. yet hearing it from taehyung's mouth now, the warmth spread further in his heart. "i can buy you a bigger one, tae. that one's small, and i've seen the edge stitched up- it's old now."

"but that plushie is special to me. you won't understand," taehyung hugged his new plushie tighter. as if to convey, there has been one more plushie added to his special things list.

jeongguk looked away, his ear turning red.

after that, while walking, they spotted a photobooth. taehyung grabbed jeongguk's hand with one, the other firmly holding the plushie close to his chest as he dragged them to the photobooth before entering it.

"wait, let me just..." taehyung looked at the screen, trying to fix his hair while he grumbled, "i had no time to get ready today. i probably look like shit."

hearing the male, jeongguk wrapped his hands around taehyung's waist before dropping his chin on taehyung's shoulder, looking into the screen where their eyes met. he breathed out in a daze, "you look so damn good, baby. you don't need any fixing, trust me."

"yeah, you always say that."

"because it's the truth. you're so beautiful, it's unfair people get to look at you."

taehyung burst out laughing, smacking jeongguk's head playfully while the said male's hands only tightened around his waist, laughing along. he didn't know if he pressed the button, but the pictures were clicked.

when they came out, taehyung squealed in pure bliss, "they turned out so cute! we have to take more!" and who was jeongguk to refuse? anything to make that smile on his taehyung's face last.

and so, they took many more. where they stood side by side with comical faces, one where taehyung kissed jeongguk's cheek and the other one where jeongguk kissed taehyung's. in another one, they got close to the camera, and in another, jeongguk removed his jacket and flexed his bare muscled arm, to which taehyung covered his mouth from shyness.

however, the one that took their heart in a beat was the one where jeongguk closed his eyes, smiling while taehyung snuggled his face against his, pressing their bodies together in a tight hug.

"we look so good together," jeongguk went through all the pictures, staring at them with a dazed look.

"took you long to realize, mr. jeon," taehyung teased.

the said male turned his head at him, his eyes sparkling with something so beautiful that taehyung found himself frozen. jeongguk spoke in whispers, "i've always known, tae."

"i've always known, i was born to cherish you." taehyung's eyes widened. jeongguk thought no time was better than right now to finally confess.

his lips trembled as they moved to speak the next words.

"that i..."

so close.

"that i lo-"

don't say it.

the voice spoke within him. jeongguk's lips fell silent.

always so close.

taehyung who was waiting to finally hear those words, noticed the change, making him look away for a second which he obviously didn't want to. but some things, despite knowing the cause, still hurt.

however, before jeongguk could notice the hurt on his face, taehyung soon concealed it with a smile and took his favorite photo, opening his phone case to place it under it. he showed it to jeongguk, asking how it looked, and the said male wondered how on earth taehyung could be so understanding of things, especially when they hurt like hell.

he didn't want to show the pain that followed hurting him, so he gave a small nod and smile, saying it looked good. when jeongguk kept staring at him, like he wanted to say something but couldn't, taehyung grabbed his hand again. "let's have lunch." he didn't wait for the other to speak, dragging him to go eat.

by the time they ate and leisurely explored the city, as if none had any care in the world, the sun started to set and taehyung, this time, drove them to the han river. they sat on the soft grass and watched the breathtaking scene with the snacks taehyung had brought- cream bun and soda. jeongguk couldn't help noticing how enthusiastic taehyung was about having a little snack at the end of the day- a fun day.

"look at you," jeongguk chuckled as he saw how taehyung smudged cream all over his lips. he stretched his hand out and swiped his thumb over the other's lips to wipe the cream off. he took his thumb back and sucked on it.

"cliché."

"it tastes good though," jeongguk said while nibbling on his thumb. taehyung flushed this time, looking down at the bun in his hand before hesitantly offering it to the grinning man.

"t-told you to get one for yourself too, dumbass."

glancing down at the bun, jeongguk again met taehyung's eyes, his lips stretching into a playful smile. "i'm not talking about the bread."

taehyung's ears turned red. he knew what jeongguk was implying by staring down at his lips intently. so, he looked ahead again, biting down on the creambun a little too aggressively.

"then what?" he tried, nevertheless.

in response, a hand grabbed his chin, making him turn his head back to the male, who leaned in and then pressed their lips together. taehyung's eyes widened and his body froze from the abrupt action.

he shuddered when a warm tongue swiped over his lips, as if to taste the cream but really, jeongguk loved the taste of his raw lips more than anything, taehyung knew that very well and that fact alone warmed his heart, as he closed his eyes and kissed back. they shared a slow and deep kiss, the cream bun long forgotten in taehyung's hand as they scooted closer, kissing so passionately like it was the best thing ever, and it actually was. that even when they pulled back, lips attached with a string of saliva that glistened under the sun's orange rays, they just wanted to dive right back in.

to each other's vision, the other looked so beautiful under the sunset that they just stared at each other silently. taehyung was the first to break the eye contact to glance around while speaking in a hoarse voice, "we should be careful... what if someone saw?"

"no one's around and even if they were, why does it matter?"

hearing the question, taehyung looked back at jeongguk in slight disbelief. "are you not scared?"

"of what?"

"of people... seeing us like this."

"no?"

taehyung scooted back to create some distance, gazing at jeongguk with a rather disturbed look, like he couldn't comprehend what he was hearing.

"are you serious right now?"

jeongguk sat upright, looking into taehyung's eyes sincerely. there was no way he was joking around. "why do you ask that? should i be scared of people?"

"if that's the case, then why this morning you couldn't tell the truth to your father?"

"that..." jeongguk faced forward again, pulling his knees closer to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. "i'm not scared of my father."

"then what's stopping you from..." accepting you love me. "from telling the truth?"

he drew out a long sigh. "i've already told you everything, tae." he looked at taehyung. "told you they're not the ones who are evil, nor the ones i'm scared of. it's me, who i'm scared of."

"i don't trust me"

"but why? is it because the night you argued with jake you said those harsh things? baby, it wasn't your fault. you were scared, anyone would be-"

"no. you don't understand," jeongguk grunted, ruffling his hair.

it took him a few seconds to compose himself before speaking, "my father never said anything to me directly. you saw how he said he was just trying to know what i felt. he didn't yell, he didn't call me names-"

"but he raised his hand on me."

jeongguk stopped blabbering and snapped his head toward taehyung, who looked at him with a pained expression. he gasped, right. how could he let that slip his mind?

"wait. yes... he... he tried to hit you." he knitted his eyebrows together in sheer rage, angry at himself for letting taehyung ever get in a situation like this. "what did you say to him?"

"just one thing." taehyung looked at him, drawing the words out pointedly. "that he should stop silencing you."

jeongguk seemed confused by the answer. "silencing?"

"i've figured it all out, gguk. why you act so homophobic even though that's not what you feel."

taehyung took a sip of the soda, letting the fizzy sweetness rush down his throat as he lingered in thought. settling into the grass, he rested himself on his hands, leaning back with an easy grace. his gaze drifted to the horizon where the sun melted into the river, painting the water in hues of gold and ember.

jeongguk just stared at him in pure admiration mixed with confusion. how could taehyung figure him out when he hasn't himself?

"you think you were born like this, don't you? that the homophobia is just there, in you, like a sickness you can't get rid of." taehyung started, still staring ahead while jeongguk's hair on body stood up from the words.

"you think that because no one ever told you to hate yourself, it must mean you came to that conclusion all on your own. that it wasn't taught to you." taehyung's eyes trailed to him. "but it was, gguk. just not in the way you think."

oh how badly jeongguk wished he could agree on that. taught? nothing was taught to him. he watched everyone treat jake like he wasn't human, he saw the consequences so he just knew. no one taught him anything, he taught it to himself.

so he couldn't help but disagree, "by who? my father? he never even said anything to me. not once. i told jake those things on my own, no one had ever forced me, like the times i've said them to you. the words has always rolled off my tongue so easily that i wonder to this date, how fucking evil i have to be to hurt people, to hurt you"

he bit on his lower lip, looking at taehyung with a guilty face. "and i'm not even sure if in future i won't hurt you again. because that's just who i am. evil and rotten"

that was the truth. it was clear his father was homophobic just like the rest of his family but he never once said anything out of line like his uncle did. today morning, he had all the space to torture him through words and actions both, mainly why jeongguk had acted harsher, in hope of his father's shell to finally break so he could stop blaming himself for once but it hadn't.

it just proved the point that the problem was always within himself.

"no, dummy. you listen to me" taehyung said in a desperate tone, for he was so desperate to break the misconception jeongguk had of himself, "you didn't need him to yell. you didn't need him to call you names. you didn't need him to beat it into you the way jake's father did. that's not the only way someone teaches you something. silence teaches too."

it was clear jeongguk was a little lost. but taehyung was very damn willing to make him understand that he had never been the problem.

"your father never told you it wasn't okay but he never said it was okay either. he never told you that love wasn't something to be ashamed of. that being yourself wasn't wrong. he just let you sit there, wondering. and because he never said anything, you started filling in the blanks yourself. you started self loathing"

now, jeongguk was taken aback. whatever taehyung was saying- it made him question things he had never questioned before.

"you started thinking, if he's not saying anything, then maybe it means he doesn't care. maybe it means he wouldn't mind if you were to like men which makes you believe that the homophobia must have grown in you out of its own. but at the same time, if he really didn't care, then why does he look at you like that when the topic comes up?"

taehyung nodded when jeongguk parted his lips in shock. oh yes, he had noticed dojin's gestures very well.

"yeah, i've seen that fucked up smile when he asked you to be honest. and that just proves he wants to drown you in your own thoughts, make you question yourself instead of saying anything himself."

"oh gguk, that man wants to make you the villain in your own goddamn story."

a shiver ran down jeongguk's spine.

taehyung's voice softened. "you took his silence as a blank slate and wrote the worst possible things on it yourself. because what else were you supposed to do?"

jeongguk shook his head, swallowing hard. his fingers twitched in his lap. how could he accept this truth taehyung was showing him when he has gotten comfortable in his pain? it was so damn hard to comprehend.

"that's not... that's not true. maybe he really doesn't care-"

"if he really didn't care, then why did he raise his hand at me?" taehyung cut in.

jeongguk froze.

"why is it that he doesn't say a word to you, but the second i mentioned his strategy to him- he suddenly reacts so strongly?"

"because he knows what he's doing and so do you, gguk. it's just hard for you to accept that whatever happened in the past, it was not your fault. after all, it's just so easy to blame yourself for things you have no control over."

jeongguk's shoulders slouched in defeat. he couldn't deny the things taehyung spoke about.

and noticing his weakened state, taehyung rubbed a hand over his arm, speaking more softly and carefully.

"i know you've spent so long believing this was all on you. but baby, it's not. you weren't born feeling like this. no one ever is. you just never had anyone to tell you otherwise. all you could do was watch your cousin go through hell and take his own life. so it made you scared, scared that you or i will have the same outcome if we were ever to fall in love. their words are engraved so deep in your head that you can't get it out of your system anymore. that's why till now all the harsh things you've ever said about homosexuality, it was not you who said them, it was them in your head."

shit. taehyung was so right. the voices that nagged him and the nightmares that haunted him- how could he deny their contribution in messing him up wholly? jeongguk swallowed, his throat burning as his whole body felt tight, like he was holding something in that was threatening to break loose.

taehyung tilted his head, watching him carefully. "tell me something, gguk. if i ever said something cruel to you out of fear- if i hurt you because i was scared- would you leave me?"

jeongguk's head snapped up amidst all the thoughts, rasping out immediately. "what? no."

"why not?"

"because-" he faltered. "because i'd know you didn't mean it."

taehyung smiled faintly, sadness flickering in his gaze. "then why do you think i'd leave you?"

jeongguk inhaled sharply. the pressure in his chest swelled.

taehyung reached out, gently lacing their fingers together. "you think you're evil," he murmured. "but if you were, you wouldn't be sitting here, hating yourself for something you had no control over. you wouldn't be so scared of hurting me. you wouldn't be fighting this hard just to figure out why you feel the way you do."

jeongguk looked down at their hands, his vision blurring slightly.

"you are scared of yourself because you think somewhere along the way, you'll again hurt me, you'll say the words that you don't mean because the control they have over you is that fucking strong. you think that the silence will make you its puppet. but i, kim taehyung, has gone through hell and back loving you and not for once has my love ever lessened for you in any situation."

taehyung leaned back to let jeongguk see him in whole, his hand hovering over his chest in urgency.

"so please, try taking a step towards me gguk. i'm waiting, i have waited for so long"

jeongguk stared at him with wide eyes, the realization of things he never wanted to face making his brain go numb. taehyung was right. he had blamed himself for far too many things and rightfully so. jeongguk still thought that if he had been kinder and more considerate of jake that night, maybe his cousin would've found some strength, knowing at least someone understood him. but over the years, jeongguk had also realized, if things were rewinded, then the silence from his family and the cruelty jake's family showed would've made him step back again.

he was just so terribly traumatized by things that should've never happened. and he knew deep down that to stop them from repeating was why he acted the way he did. but it was true- one can't have everything.

if he chose the silence, his chaos, his taehyung- he'd have to lose him. and nothing else mattered more than him. absolutely nothing.

the biggest thing is, he always knew that. he always knew exactly what he should do to avoid all the misery, but screw him for being so scared, so wary of his own self.

scared of the terrible things he could do to taehyung the minute the silence would crawl up in his head, remind him of what happened to jake and what potentially could happen to them. he'd protect taehyung with his life if a situation like that ever occurs but how sure he was that would save taehyung for forever? when the world would become his enemy, how would he handle it?

all the uncertainties and fears held him down till now. but now, the way taehyung looked at him, who said those courageous words and held his hand so firmly- his strength was right there, stronger than everything else. so how could he let him down? he knew he couldn't.

"i'm sorry to make you wait, tae. it's just... i know my family is not a saint either. but it's so hard to see other's fault when i'm so flawed myself."

"being flawed doesn't make you a monster, gguk. you need to stop seeing yourself as a murderer, stop shouldering all the blame and, most importantly, stop pretending to be someone you're not."

taehyung cupped jeongguk's face, his hands warm and gentle against his cold cheeks. "i hope you find a way to break free from this cage you've built around yourself. because this guilt lives inside you, gguk, and only you can set it free."

only i can? but how? he wondered as he gazed into taehyung's eyes.

then something in him made him ask a question, "what if it takes years? what if you grow tired of waiting while i figure things out?"

"then i guess, i'll just wait while being tired. for you? anything." taehyung smiled, his unconditional love radiating from his words.

jeongguk's eyes widened.

right...

for you, anything.

how come jeongguk had always said that but never understood the weight behind those words?

taking taehyung off guard, jeongguk got upright on his knees and in a split second, he was now hovering on top of taehyung who from the sudden action, laid flat on the grass with wide-eyed jeongguk looking down at him, his hands on either side of his head.

for taehyung, anything.

even those three words.

don't say it-

i will.

and he did.

"i love you."

taehyung's lips parted in surprise.

jeongguk's heart raced like crazy, as if it would jump out of its cage any moment.

he gulped, blinking haphazardly. his trembling lips moving to say the words again.

"i love you, tae."

there, finally he said those three words- out loud.

"i love you"

"i love you"

"i, love, you." he repeated, a nervous expression etched on his face.

beneath the setting sun, one side of jeongguk's face was cast in shadow, while the other was kissed by soft orange light. his doe, bambi eyes shimmered with something unspoken while taehyung's own wide brown eyes gleamed with a quiet satisfaction. a smile tugged at his heart shaped lips, tears welling in the corners of his eyes.

"y-you do?"

"yes." jeongguk nodded a lot, like a kid trying his best to be honest despite being scared. "i love you so much, taehyung-ah."

a tear rolled down taehyung's face as he smiled brighter, his heart-shaped lips forming into a boxy smile jeongguk adored so much. it was the most beautiful sight for him.

"i love you too, jeonggukie." he wrapped his arms around jeongguk's neck before pulling him in, crashing their bodies together to hug him in sheer happiness. "we love each other."

jeongguk hid his face in taehyung's hair, inhaling his scent, finding the courage to agree. "we do."

taehyung stroked jeongguk's head softly, soaking into each other's embrace under the sunset.

life has never been this beautiful before.

╸╸╸

hand in hand, taehyung and jeongguk walked by the shore of the river after the sunset. the night city over the river was another mesmerizing sight to watch.

"so beautiful right?" taehyung asked jeongguk but soon noticed the male was walking while looking down at his own shoes, lost in thoughts.

"gguk?" he tugged on their intertwined hands, snapping jeongguk out of his thoughts.

"h-huh?"

"what are you thinking about?" he asked curiously, tilting his head. jeongguk stared at the male, unblinking before he shook his head, looking ahead again.

he thought to himself for a few more seconds before speaking, "just wondering how easy it was to say those three words out loud. what was i so afraid of?"

taehyung stopped walking along, making jeongguk halt his steps too as he looked at the other who was fondly smiling at him.

"congrats, that was your fleeting moment"

"my what?"

"remember i told you about my fleeting moment? where fate gave me the chance to fix things?"

"you think it's fate?" jeongguk genuinely asked.

"is it not? because i have known since the moment i confessed, that you love me too. through your actions, you have shown me just how much you love me, gguk. so why do those three words mean so much? the truth is, they don't."

jeongguk turned his body completely to him. taehyung grabbed both of his hands, glancing down at them.

"how could i complain over three mere words when every little action of yours spoke volumes? every little thing you've done for me, gguk, has been an act of love." taehyung looked up at him, taking a deep breath before exhaling slowly. "some things can't be explained in words. our love is the kind of love where words are futile."

that was the undeniable truth- words are futile devices when their eyes express what true love really is.

taehyung playfully nudged their shoulders together. "well, that doesn't mean it didn't make me sad at times. not because i was the only one who ever said them out loud, but because i knew there was something you were suffering from so badly that it made it hard for you to be true to yourself. watching you struggle with your feelings was so fucking painful."

"but now you have gotten over the most difficult step by being true to yourself, by saying the words you dreaded to utter" he tilted his head at jeongguk, smiling contentedly, "you're fixing things, gguk. do you know that?"

"and you're making me lose my mind, tae. do you know that?"

"wha-" taehyung stumbled back as jeongguk cupped his face in his hands and crushed their lips together.

the kiss made taehyung feel so out of breath as jeongguk's mouth completely took over his own, kissing him so gently yet so urgently that he had to open his mouth to let him intrude all the more right away. they closed their eyes and kissed more freely now. luckily they didn't walk along the streets to be seen, but it was pretty sure by now that even if they were seen, jeongguk wouldn't have cared and taehyung seeing him so carefree for once wouldn't have either.

looking into taehyung's eyes so closely, jeongguk saw the love they held clearer than ever.

really, what are words? when act of love exists?

between the kiss, jeongguk smiled against taehyung's lips. nevertheless, saying them again because they felt so right on his tongue.

"i love you"

taehyung smiled back, pecking the other's soft lips.

"i love you too"

━━━━━━

"less than 10 chapters" i said...

:)

2 chapters left.

it's sudden i know.

i'll go cry over this news now. thank you.

(they are so happy right now. i hope things don't go south now)

++ also mtc recently crossed 1M+ reads ! this is huge guys, thank u sm for all the love and support. i love u all <33