✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

there is right and wrong- and then there is jeongguk, who is always in the between.

sometimes he loves so right, that taehyung feels like love itself can't be this perfect and then there are times when jeongguk loves him in such a wrong way that it makes him wonder, how is this even love? jeongguk is a paradox- a man who makes taehyung question if love can be both his salvation and his ruin.

yet in the end, taehyung always finds himself tethered to jeongguk, he just can't seem to walk away from the storm that both destroys and heals him. for jeongguk's love is the kind of chaos that he can't ever resist. because, in the end, jeongguk's love, no matter how flawed or fractured feels like the only thing capable of filling the emptiness in taehyung's chest.

perhaps that is the cruelest truth of all. taehyung doesn't know if he loves jeongguk despite the pain or because of it.

love has never been either right or wrong for him. it has always been in between.

he had a strong realization of it right when jeongguk's lips moved to say those words. at first he wanted to believe he heard him wrong but words like that- they don't leave one's mouth as a joke. not at least jeongguk's.

so taehyung stood there, soaked up thoroughly in the rain with a heart beating so loud it made the storm's raging noises nothing. he was expecting anything but that, like if he even said that he saw a dinosaur, maybe taehyung would contemplate for a little before believing he did. but this? how was he supposed to believe this?

"you're joking at a time like this?" taehyung asked, even though he knew jeongguk wasn't. he still tried to hold onto the hope that the other was just not in his senses and he was saying just whatever.

but he really wasn't. jeongguk shook his head slowly.

"i wish i was" was what jeongguk said. taehyung felt the cold wrapping his heart, making him bent his body from how cold he felt. or maybe it was the truth that jeongguk had killed someone that shaken him like that.

jeongguk killed someone.
jeongguk killed someone.
jeongguk killed someone.

jeongguk-

"i didn't mean to, i swear it, it was..." jeongguk fell to his knees, covering his mouth as he gagged. taehyung watched as jeongguk tried to throw up whatever he had- which was practically nothing, given that he hadn't eaten anything back there. he gagged on emptiness, lowering his head as if to purge his very soul, to rid himself of whatever remained inside him.

taehyung's eyes watered again, if they weren't already. hot drops of water ran down his ice-cold cheeks, blurring the sight of a miserable jeongguk. come to think of it, when had they ever been happy without something chasing them down?

when have they ever felt free?

the rain didn't seem to slow down. it only intensified, as if to remind them that even nature wasn't on their side- that they were alone, stranded with a love so fragile it couldn't shelter them at all.

but even after everything, taehyung wanted to hold jeongguk. let him be a murderer, he'd still hold him.

because that was his jeongguk- forever would be. that's how doomed his love was.

"let's go, gguk." taehyung knelt, placing a hand on jeongguk's shoulder. the said male lifted his face, devastation etched into every corner of it- until his eyes met taehyung's own red ones. despite everything, taehyung still looked at him like he was human and not a monster.

taehyung repeated softly, "let's go home."

at that moment, jeongguk thought, home wasn't lost. it was right where he sought it for.

every bone in jeongguk's body was shivering. partly from the cold, but mostly from how taehyung hadn't said a word after that. it was taehyung who drove them to his place, which jeongguk took as a good sign- if taehyung was still willing to let a murderer stay under his roof, maybe not all hope was lost. but then again, taehyung hadn't even dared to look his way.

it threw jeongguk off guard. he was coughing and shivering like crazy, pretty sure his face was red as hell from the fever creeping in. he wasn't even sure how much longer he'd stay conscious- the urge to black out weighed down on every cell in his body. he needed rest so badly, but more than that, he needed taehyung to speak.

drenched from head to toe, the car ride was almost unbearable. even the heater failed to provide the needed warmth- partly because there were no spare clothes and though the thought of stripping out of his soaked ones was tempting, neither he nor taehyung had the energy for it. not at least when neither of them even had the strength to move their lips to speak. the dead weight of silence was suffocating him. he wanted taehyung to say something, anything. but what a coward he was- he couldn't bring himself to start a conversation.

not until they reached taehyung's place. taehyung opened the front door and stepped aside, silently letting him enter first. after entering, jeongguk stood still, listening to the sound of the door locking behind him. the silence here was even more deafening. he couldn't take it anymore. and so when taehyung walked past him, he reached out and grabbed his wrist.

the reaction he got was one he didn't expect. taehyung snatched his hand away the moment jeongguk grabbed it, as if he'd been electrocuted- as if even touching a murderer would stain him with blood.

jeongguk's lips parted in devastation. taehyung stared at him with wide eyes, only for them to widen even further when he seemed to realize how strong his reaction had been.

"look, i-"

"tell me to walk out of here, and i will." jeongguk rasped, his voice hoarse and weak.

he knew he couldn't blame taehyung for this. after all, a murderer was meant to be treated this way- not just by their family but by their lovers too. it was only natural. "you don't have to force yourself to take care of me, tae. i don't deserve this tenderness from you."

"n-no..." he watched as taehyung stepped in closer. "i'm s-sorry... it's... it's just you're so cold..." taehyung grabbed his hands, feeling a shiver ran down his spine from the coldness they radiated. "you're freezing"

"is that really all?" jeongguk scoffed, lowering his head. "you can tell me the truth, you know"

"truth?"

"yeah. the truth that you are scared of me" he sniffled, the hot tears feeling uncomfortable against his cold face. "i know you are"

"what nonsense are you saying? why would i be scared of you?" taehyung shook his head in disagreement, but in jeongguk's eyes it looked just like a facade that taehyung was good at putting on.

"because i killed someone. tae, i killed someone because they were gay" jeongguk widened his eyes, inching closer that made taehyung step back, his grip on jeongguk's hands loosening.

"i'm not only a homophobe, i'm also a murderer. how much worse can i get huh?"

taehyung shook his head, red eyes whelming with more tears. he was really cold but the more jeongguk inched closer, he felt colder. god, it was freezing out here.

"just push me once and i'll get the fuck out of here" jeongguk whispered out, when it was really the farthest thing from the truth. he didn't want to leave, he never for once wanted to leave taehyung.

"okay, then what?"

"huh?"

taehyung tightened the loosening grip on jeongguk's hand, his jaw clenching. "you'll get the fuck out of here, okay. then what? where will you go then?"

jeongguk suddenly had no answer. really, if not taehyung, where and to whom he'll go to?

taehyung spoke again, a little louder, a little shakier. "what if i don't take you back? what if my doors stay closed for you, again? what will happen to you then, jeon jeongguk?"

the said male didn't want to imagine it. the mere thought made his head buzz with pain, legs wobble and heart tighten.

"i'll tell you what will happen." jeongguk stared at taehyung, watching as he bit down on his lower lip, trying his hardest not to break when he spoke again. "i will lose you."

"like i could have in the past. it's always so fucking complicated with you, gguk. if i don't have all of you, i don't get to have even a little bit of you. it's always all or none."

and god, wasn't that the absolute truth? jeongguk might never have realized it if taehyung hadn't said it aloud.

it's just so complicated with him.

"i'm such a pushover," he said, barely looking into taehyung's eyes, for he was so ashamed that he wanted to just disappear. "all you ever wanted was a reciprocated love from me, it was supposed to be that simple. yet i failed to give just that"

honestly at the moment, jeongguk thought both he and taehyung were a little stupid. they both knew what's the source of their hurt and remedy, it was at the same place yet figuring out how to use the remedy to mend the hurt felt near to impossible.

"then stop being a pushover and help me here in fixing this" taehyung jabbed a finger on his chest, right where his loudly beating heart resided. jeongguk looked up, meeting taehyung's sparkling eyes and really, he thought taehyung was an idiot. to still hold onto a person as horrible as him. but he couldn't help the warmth swelling where his finger met his drenched cloth as he continued speaking, "let me fix your broken heart and you do the same for me. let's fix each other, gguk, please"

"h-how?" he breathed out. what possibly could ever undo the horrible things he has done in the past? how could he ever get out of this cage he has built around himself?

taehyung jabbed his finger harder, his tone hardening. "tell me everything. and when i say everything, i mean every single detail. don't you dare hide anything from me this time you idiot"

"i... i don't think i c-can-"

"you can and you will," taehyung emphasized, looking straight into his eyes and this time, jeongguk knew there was no hiding anymore.

he was scared shitless. there had been only a few times in his life when he had felt fear like this. letting taehyung see such a dark part of him- one he had hidden for years, it was messing with his head. but the fear ebbed, just a little, when he caught the small smile on taehyung's heart-shaped lips as he softly said,

"but let's change first. i'm freezing."

so was he. he was freezing- a lot. he needed warmth.

╸╸╸

getting cozy under a blanket after revealing the biggest, darkest part of himself to taehyung wasn't something jeongguk had expected. but here he was, lying in fresh clothes, head resting on a pillow, staring at taehyung who unfortunately was still not under the blanket. he had changed too, but jeongguk doubted the fresh clothes provided enough warmth. if taehyung wanted, jeongguk could have warmed him up, made him feel a little less cold. again, a selfish thought, he'd admit.

taehyung sat at the edge of the bed, close enough for jeongguk to see his face clearly, to search for any lingering resentment or unease. but there was none- just one of taehyung's many blank expressions. it could have been a mask, an attempt to hide it all or maybe it was simply nothingness. jeongguk stared hard, trying to decipher it. but before he could, taehyung spoke again.

"you okay?"

jeongguk was a little starlet hearing him. his voice sounded very calm, despite knowing everything, how could taehyung sound so calm? so peaceful? it was a little strange to say the least.

he nodded his head as an answer. fearing his own voice breaking down would give away that he was lying.

"so, wanna tell me about it?"

tell him what? that he murdered someone? jeongguk wasn't so sure about that. but then again, he didn't have much of a choice. as his brother had said, how long could he really keep running and hiding like a coward?

"are you okay with knowing everything?" he finally asked. as he feared, his voice was trembling, quieter than usual-just like the guilty person he was. he didn't want to know how it came off to taehyung, if he also thought he was a cowardly bastard who was a murderer.

but wasn't that exactly what jeongguk was?

"if i wasn't, you and i wouldn't be here like this," taehyung pressed, his voice calm and soft. oddly enough, it eased jeongguk a little. but when he still struggled to find the right words, taehyung tilted his head with the smile subtle on his heart shaped lips. and god, did that make jeongguk's heart flutter at the worst possible time.

"hm, how about this? you tell me everything, then i get under the blankets, and we call it a day. sounds good?"

jeongguk blinked at taehyung, lips parting in surprise. was he hearing the male right? did taehyung not hear him clearly when he said he killed someone? or was he still thinking he was lying?

whichever it was, he was starting to feel overwhelmed. would this really be over after he tells him everything? would taehyung actually lay down beside him, let him hold him under the warmth of the blanket, let him take in his scent and bury his face in the crook of his neck and let him be all over him?

will taehyung allow him to claim him?

jeongguk gulped, his eyelids trembling.

"promise me, you won't hate me after this" he said.

taehyung smiled,

"promises are meaningless, gguk. remember?"

jeongguk smiled back.

right. they are meaningless.

but honesty isn't.

honesty is good.

he hoped it was.

he took in a deep breath, slowly exhaling it before he started,

"so, it happened during our summer vacation in highschool. do you remember that time, tae?"

taehyung's eyes widened.

it was just around that time he realized he had feelings for jeongguk.

that one random summer evening.

"i went to texas on that vacation trip and then..." jeongguk recalled, the memories as fresh as they have been till now. like it was just yesterday when he did the most fucked up thing ever.

FLASHBACK

jeongguk hated texas.

the weather was mostly nice but the sun was too high and the people were indifferent- ignorant, even, as if they lacked empathy altogether. like that one time he fell off his bicycle and an old lady walked past without even glancing his way, let alone helping him. or maybe that was just a lame excuse to justify hating the people and their city.

the city that takes him away from taehyung.

god, the number of times he had cried, begging to take taehyung with him. but taehyung didn't even have a passport. though deep down, jeongguk knew that was just another lame excuse. taehyung simply didn't want to come with him. and who would? texas sucked- at least, that's what he believed.

however, one thing about texas that didn't suck was his cousin jake. scratch that- he absolutely loved his cousin. from his cool, american-sounding name to the way he talked, jake was effortlessly fun to be around. in fact, the only thing that ever encouraged him to come here was the male himself. jake was around his older brother cheolsu's age, finishing college at the time jeongguk spent his summer vacation in texas.

he preferred jake's company over his own brother's. maybe that was one reason cheolsu never really got along with jake- he pretty much hated his guts. but then again, cheolsu treated him like shit too, so jeongguk couldn't tell if his brother had ever truly liked anyone anyway.

every time they came to texas, they stayed at his cousin's place. his family was really rich- maybe even richer than theirs. they had a huge house, a big-ass pool and even their own theater. that theater was another reason jeongguk didn't mind coming. they would spend hours playing overwatch or watching movies. jake was insanely good at games and had a knack for explaining movie scenes that he struggled to understand.

jake was incredibly intelligent- he'd even heard that his cousin was the top student at his college. but it wasn't just his brains; the boy had a kind soul too and he always looked so effortlessly good that jeongguk sometimes wondered if he was even real. of course, in jeongguk's eyes, no one was more good looking, kinder, smarter, simply perfect than taehyung- that was an undeniable fact.

it was true that jeongguk looked up to his cousin, trusted him with everything.

he had even told jake about taehyung just as much as he had told taehyung about jake. he talked about his best friend so often that one day, jake asked him something completely unexpected.

it happened on the second night after their exhausting arrival. they were playing overwatch and as usual, jeongguk was talking about taehyung when jake suddenly said something that made jeongguk's fingers freeze on the controller.

"do you like your friend?"

he had laughed nervously. "taehyung? of course i like him, he's my best friend-"

"that's not the kind of like i'm talking about, jk" he really liked the way jake called him jk, it made his name sound americanish like his, kinda funny, kinda cool. however, back then it was making him all the more nervous.

jeongguk lost the game as he lowered his controller and slowly turned his head towards jake who looked back at him. he had this fright in his eyes that only subsided when jake smiled at him. that older brotherly smile he never got from his own brother, it was like a comfort he didn't know he needed.

"it's alright, hyung understands"

jake's korean was kind of funny to jeongguk- he knew the man barely spoke it, but he still made an effort since his english was weak. usually, it amused him. but at that moment, it wasn't funny at all. it was the most emotional thing ever, and before he knew it, he had broken into tears.

he never really understood why he cried that night. was it because neither his brother nor his parents had ever shown interest in the thing he loved most? or was it the realization that he liked taehyung; his best friend, his family- romantically?

that random summer night, when the weight of his feelings finally sank in was overwhelming in every sense of the word.

jake had wrapped his arms around him, patting his back and telling him it was alright, like it was the most normal thing ever.

hyung understands.

those two words healed something within jeongguk that he didn't know was broken.

it was a long stay over this time. they were going to be in texas for almost a month as his father had some work to do. and unlike other times, this time jeongguk was actually not minding that at all. in fact, he liked it. he thought it was about enough time to ease up on his feelings for taehyung and not freak out when he would finally see him again. that during his stay, with the help of jake, he'll get comfortable in his true self.

he had really thought so.

but things never went his way. although jeongguk had never imagined things would go this bad- bad enough to change him for a lifetime.

as the days had gone by, jeongguk noticed a sudden shift in his parents' and jake's parents' behavior. everyone except him treated jake like he didn't exist, barely speaking to him, and the dinners they had once shared had gone on without the male. jeongguk had tried to bring jake's food to his room, but surprisingly, jake's own father stopped him. when he had asked why, no one said a thing.

a week passed by and things only started to get worse. jake stopped playing overwatch or talking to him, eventually stopping to see him altogether. he would always rather be outside or locked in his room. jeongguk saw so little of him that even talking to taehyung wasn't helping. upon hearing about this problem, taehyung guessed that maybe jake was going through a tough time with his family. jeongguk also thought the same, but what could have happened that was so bad he shut himself out completely from everyone?

then, that one night, jeongguk went to sleep early, but feeling the need to drink water, he woke up and went downstairs. on his way to the kitchen, he heard the front door suddenly opening. then, he noticed jake entering the house, it was past midnight.

but that wasn't what shocked jeongguk. it was the state the male was in. jake had been crying, it was clear. his eyes were bloodshot, and evident tears were still rolling down his face. jeongguk rushed to the older, asking in whispers so no one would wake up, knowing the male wouldn't like that.

"what happened? why are you crying?"

"l-leave me alone" jake had said in english but jeongguk could understand that much, and that was breaking his heart even more. jake never spoke in english around him, he ever did so when something wasn't right.

he grabbed his hand and dragged him upstairs to jake's own bedroom. locking the door behind him, jeongguk turned around and found jake already sitting on his bed, covering his face with the back of his arm and crying, suffocatingly, just so no one would hear him.

he slowly sat beside him. "please hyung, tell me what happened? why are you crying?"

"h-he broke up with me"

jeongguk tilted his head in confusion. "he?"

jake uncovered his face and slowly looked at jeongguk with his reddened, tearful eyes. "haven't you figured out, jeongguk?" the said male only looked at him.

"i am gay."

his eyes widened at that. "gay?"

jake nodded his head, looking down at the floor, "and my boyfriend broke up with me."

"why?" jeongguk asked, and jake laughed. it concerned him.

"because i have nothing to offer him anymore."

jake sobbed, continuing to cry. "my family found out about my sexuality a week ago. they don't support me, jeongguk... they said i was a disappointment, a fucking disease, they said i have the brain of a pig."

jeongguk's eyes widened in shock. he started to realize why everyone was avoiding him like a plague. it all started to make sense, and it only angered him. how could they treat jake like this? did their son not matter to them at all?

"they blocked my credit card, took my car, and are threatening to kick me out of the house. but trust me, none of that mattered to me," jake clutched his chest, sobbing louder, like he was having trouble breathing. "but it did to my boyfriend. turns out, he was dating me just for my money and... and... fuck, today i caught him cheating on me with a girl."

jeongguk's blood boiled further. "and you just let him? you should have punched the shit out of him! where is he? take me to that bastard, i'll rearrange his guts for you, hyung." he stood up, but jake grabbed his wrist, shaking his head.

"you can't make someone who doesn't love you, stay, jeongguk."

a shiver ran down his spine.

"you can't force love."

jeongguk gulped, blinking haphazardly. something inside him suddenly wanted to call taehyung, to hear his voice. at that moment, jeongguk felt the need to know if he was on the same path as his hyung.

was he also going to get abandoned by the one he loves?

but he held back- jake needed him right now, and he was not going to turn his back on him too.

or he thought so.

"but you should not let anyone treat you like shit either, hyung. that bastard deserves to get beaten."

"oh don't worry, i did punch him right in the jaw. first i kissed him, pretended to, and then bit his lip so hard he started bleeding and then punched him very hard. your hyung is pretty strong." jake smiled through his tears, and jeongguk really thought he was. jake was very strong, he knew this wasn't enough to weigh him down.

but he thought wrong, terribly wrong.

the next day, jeongguk was woken up by the sound of yelling, so loud that it reached all the way upstairs through closed doors. during his stay, he had to share a room with his older brother. cheolsu had also woken up from the commotion.

"what's all this about?" cheolsu rolled his eyes at his question. that kind of response was what he always got from his older brother.

"looks like your dear hyung is in trouble," cheolsu said while getting up. jeongguk got down as he also heard jake's voice. wasting no more time, he rushed downstairs.

upon coming down, he saw jake and his parents in the living room. jake was standing in front of his father.

"that's-"

jeongguk watched as, before jake could finish his sentence, jake's father slapped him hard across the face.

"hyung!" he rushed to the male but was paralyzed in his spot a few steps away, when jake's father looked at him sternly, as though letting him know if he tried to meddle, he was going to face his wrath too.

"jeongguk, go back to your room," his mother said.

at that moment, jake laughed while rubbing his face.

"what are you finding so funny?" jake's father yelled.

jeongguk had always thought the man was more intimidating than his own father. something about his presence alone was enough to immobilize anyone, the way it did to him.

"the way you guys make it as if anyone standing any close to me would get infected like i'm a fucking disease is what's so funny, dad."

"is that not right?" jake looked at his father, who didn't hesitate to look him dead in the eyes and say whatever he wanted. "don't spoil my brother's son. you've ruined my reputation enough as it is."

"everyone in the neighborhood knows you're a homosexual now! why did you have to go kiss a fucking man out in the open last night, you disgusting piece of shit?"

jeongguk recalled what jake had said to him last night. someone saw him do that, and it sent shivers down his spine. their family was really popular in the neighborhood, so it was no wonder someone saw.

"i l-loved him d-dad"

"love? a man?"

jeongguk's heart tightened.

"how can you, as a man, love another man?"

why not?

jeongguk wanted to ask.

"why not?" he snapped his gaze at jake who asked just what he wanted to.

because jake wasn't a coward like him.

"why not? are you seriously asking me that?"

"yes, i'm asking you. why not-"

the sound of the slap echoed again, this time so hard that the male fell on the floor from the impact.

"you just can't"

jeongguk's senses started to get dizzy.

you can't.

you can't love a man.

"because it's disgusting"

it's disgusting.

"because it's a mental illness"

it's a mental illness

"you're abnormal, jake."

abnormal.

jeongguk looked down at his own feet.

am i abnormal too?

no... no i don't want to be abnormal...

"yes i'm abnormal" he raised his head, watching as jake struggled to stand up. "and i'm sorry for that"

he looked straight into his father's eyes, "i'm sorry for loving a man"

but then jake's voice quivered, sobs erupting from him, jeongguk watched as he fell to his knees right at that moment.

his stomach twisted at the sight of jake on his knees, at the way his hands trembled as he gripped onto his father's leg, begging for mercy that would never come.

"please... don't send me there," jake sobbed, his fingers tightening as if holding on would somehow change the inevitable. "i don't want to go to a mental hospital!"

jeongguk's heart dropped to his stomach. mental hospital?

his father looked down at him with nothing but disgust. with a sharp jerk of his leg, he pushed jake off, sending him collapsing onto the floor.

"pathetic." the word came out like venom. "you think groveling like this will erase what you've done? you think your tears will change the fact that you've humiliated me?"

then he added, "you need fixing. you'll get that there"

"n-no dad! mom! say something, please!" jake looked up at his mother who only looked away, covering her mouth and crying.

"listen to your father" she said, jake only stared at her, devastated. jeongguk didn't want to feel how he was feeling having his own parents their backs on him like that.

but then jeongguk heard his father speak. "brother, come on, this is too much." he watched as dojin knelt beside jake and caressed his face. the older man looked up at his infuriated brother.

jeongguk couldn't believe his eyes- couldn't believe his father, out of all people, would stand up for jake.

"don't be so harsh on our jake." dojin turned to the said male, who looked at him like he was the only source of hope now, just the way jeongguk did. but that hope was crushed the moment he spoke again.

"jake, be a good son and listen to your dad, okay? the hospital is a better place for you right now. they'll fix you, so don't ruin yourself anymore and just go."

"ruin myself?" jake let out a shaky, humorless laugh. he stood up with much difficulty and looked at everyone. "do you guys even hear yourselves? do you- do you think being gay is some kind of disease? something that can be cured?"

his father didn't even hesitate. "of course it can."

jake flinched like he'd been struck.

"and you will be cured," his father continued, his tone final and merciless, there was no changing his mind. "whether you want it or not."

"dad-"

"enough!" the sharpness of his voice cut through the air like a whip. jake's mouth snapped shut and entire body went rigid.

dojin only sighed. "stop dragging this out, jake. you're making it worse for yourself."

worse. like this was his fault. like he deserved this.

like jeongguk would deserve it if this were to happen to him.

"it's for your own good," jake's father said, turning away like the conversation was already over. "the arrangements have been made. you leave tomorrow."

"no..." jake shook his head, "no, please, i don't-"

"enough," his father repeated and that was the final word.

at the moment, jake's eyes fell on jeongguk who shivered having those helpless eyes look at him. hoping he'd do or at least say something but maybe that was too much to ask for. they both knew that.

jeongguk lowered his head and walked away.

he made his way to the stairs where his brother stood with his arms folded against his chest, staring at him. jeongguk didn't want to start anything which is always the case with cheolsu. so he tried walking past him before his voice stopped him.

"we need to talk, jeongguk"

cheolsu glared at him before climbing the stairs. jeongguk taking that as a sign, followed the older to their shared room. cheolsu locked the door behind him like he didn't want any one prying in their conversation.

he stood right before him, getting straight to the point.

"stay away from jake"

"huh?"

"you heard me. stay away from him"

"why?" jeongguk glared. "because he's gay? of course you'd say that. you're just like the rest of them!"

"and you're not?" jeongguk's face fell.

cheolsu pressed on, "tell me you're not, jeongguk. look me in the eyes and tell me, you support him. say it"

"i... i-"

"who's this tae?"

jeongguk's eyes widened at the question. "how do you-"

"i heard you and jake talking the other day. you were saying something about this tae, said that you might..." cheolsu had a disturbed expression on his face, but more than disgust, it looked like worry. "that you might like him?"

"no!" jeongguk yelled out. he grabbed cheolsu by the shoulders, inching closer. "it's not like that. i swear it's not anything like you're thinking."

"calm down." cheolsu pushed his hands away. "your reaction is giving you away"

"no, no-"

"hey, listen to me." cheolsu grabbed him by the shoulders this time, staring at him a little softer- almost similar to the way jake looked at him. jeongguk had never seen cheolsu look at him like that, that brotherly look. "you're lucky it's me who knows, and it should stay like this. we can't let anyone ever find out, understand?"

"w-what will happen to jake?" jeongguk sobbed, clinging to his brother helplessly.

"he'll get cured"

"he's not sick..."

"you think so?"

jeongguk's lips fell silent.

because it's disgusting
because it's a mental illness
you're abnormal, jake

you're abnormal, jeongguk

"he's sick..." i am sick.

"and he needs fixing," cheolsu added.

"he needs fixing" i need fixing.

"and i don't want to scare you or anything but it's for good if you don't harbor any feelings for this tae. he's a man too isn't he?"

jeongguk looked at cheolsu with tears in his eyes.

"you'll end up hurting both yourself and him."

"but jake said it was alright..."

hyung understands.

he still could hear the words.

"a wrong person can't be the one telling what's right and what's not, jeongguk."

he lowered his head, not knowing what to think anymore.

"you might not think of me as your hyung, but i think of you as my little brother. and i'm only trying to look out for you. the rest is on you. think about it- not so many people can be wrong at once, jeongguk."

who knows, maybe they could be.

maybe his love for taehyung alone was the rightest thing of all.

but maybe not the strongest. definitely not the strongest.

after all, if someone as strong as jake was brought to his knees, begging for his life, then who was jeongguk? nobody.

maybe cheolsu was right. so were his father and jake's. maybe it was him and jake who were wrong.

but his heart knew they weren't. love could never be wrong, jake had said.

but right or wrong doesn't matter when the whole world is against you.

"stop hanging out with him, ok? well, he's leaving tomorrow anyway"

cheolsu was right about this too.

and jeongguk regretted not listening to him that day.

the following night, he did, in fact, went to see jake- and it had been the worst mistake he had ever made.

he had tiptoed to jake's room, lingering by the door for a few minutes, contemplating if he should really see him. jeongguk wasn't ready to face him. or maybe he was just scared- scared because he could see himself within the male.

while he paced back and forth in front of the door, it suddenly opened, revealing a disheveled jake, startling jeongguk.

"your footsteps are very loud."

"i'm s-sorry..."

jake stared at him for a few seconds before opening the door further, as if offering him to come in. jeongguk did so, hesitantly.

he was taken aback by how messy jake's room was, which was a surprise because the male was a clean freak. even a single sock lying on the floor could trigger him pretty badly- so the sight was shocking to say the least.

then, amidst the dark room, he saw the table light was turned on, illuminating a piece of paper and a pen- jake had been writing something. he stepped toward the table but before he could get close, jake stood right before him, stopping him.

jeongguk flinched back at the sudden proximity. jake's tired, swollen eyes, so devoid of life-wavered at the sight of him flinching so badly.

"u-uh... so... s-so you're leaving tomorrow..." he said, and god, jeongguk knew he never really wanted to say this.

"do you think i'm sick?"

"huh?"

jake stepped closer. jeongguk stepped back.

"do you think i'm mentally ill?"

he took another step forward. jeongguk took another back.

"do you think i have the brain of a pig?"

"do i need to be cured?"

"do i look abnormal to you?"

jeongguk kept taking steps back, putting distance between himself and his dearest hyung- the one he loved the most after taehyung. not because he feared jake, but because he saw himself in him. a possible future, a reflection of what could become of him. and that was frightening as hell.

"answer me, jeongguk."

jake smiled weakly. "are we not the same?"

jeongguk's eyes widened. "s-same? never. we are not the same, what are you talking about?"

"you love your best friend... you love tae. how are you any different from me?"

jake pointed at him and jeongguk took in his appearance- the messy hair, the tired, swollen red eyes, the dry and bleeding lips like he had been chewing on them nonstop, the pale, tear-dried face, the wrinkled clothes. his messed-up state overwhelmed jeongguk because jake had always been so polished, always composed.

was this going to be him in the future too? if they were alike, was this his fate?

jeongguk didn't want that. not for himself. definitely not for taehyung either.

"we are alike, jeongguk. and that's okay, right? it's okay... we are... we are normal-"

"no. you're not normal," jeongguk rasped out.

"you need fixing, hyung. and you're mistaking something here. i don't like my best friend romantically. i was confused for a second there, but i'll handle it. seems like you can't. so don't call us alike- we are not alike, we are not the same. i'm not like you! i'm... i'm-"

"normal," jake completed his sentence. "you're normal, huh?"

"yes," jeongguk said, or more like forced himself to believe it.

"no, you aren't. let me tell you what you are" jake narrowed his eyes in pain, "you're just like the rest. you're a coward."

hearing jake offended jeongguk too. he blabbered without a thought, "well, are they really wrong? maybe you do need some fixing. give it a try at least!"

"oh? then why don't you come with me too? bring that tae along- let's all get fixed together."

jeongguk's entire body flared up at the mention of taehyung's name.

"don't bring him into this! he's normal! and so am i!"

"and i'm not?"

jeongguk fell silent. he hadn't meant to say any of this. hell, he didn't even believe a word of it. it felt like he was just repeating what everyone else had been saying- and that made him nauseous.

he knows he's not like them. but he didn't want to be like jake either.

so who was jeongguk exactly?

"say, jeongguk. am i disgusting?"

he tried shaking his head, but it felt as though neither his body nor his mind would listen to him.

"or does the truth that you might just be like me disgust you? that one day you might end up like me, your tae leaving you because of who you are- that's what's scaring you?"

he hated jake not for being so harsh, but because of speaking the exact truth.

jeongguk was scared of ending up like him.

he was scared of taehyung leaving him for who he was.

he didn't want to lose taehyung or himself, to be painted as abnormal in front of the world.

his head started buzzing with paranoia, from sheer fear, and so, jeongguk did the absolute worst. he said things he never wanted to say.

"i'm not like you for fuck's sake! this is your problem, hyung! you think you know everything, that's why no one loves you anymore! you brought this on yourself!"

he yelled out, his breathing uneven and heartbeat loud in his ears after the silence that fell.

jeongguk slowly realized what he had said and widened his eyes, lifting his gaze to look at jake who had his eyes widened and lips parted.

"h-hyung-"

"you're right. no one loves me"

jeongguk's heart tightened.

"but no one will love you either, jeongguk"

his heart dropped to his stomach.

"not your family, not your tae, no one"

jeongguk shook his head slowly. tears whelming in his eyes.

"no one will love you"

"and you know why? because people like you and me, we don't get a happy ending"

after that, jeongguk was told to leave the room, and he did. not thinking much, he left the room and went to the bathroom, crying his heart out on the floor. he wanted to call taehyung, ask him if jake had been right, but he knew he couldn't. he was right, he really was a coward.

but he didn't mean a thing he said back there; if anything, he wanted to comfort jake, but what had he done?

his head was hurting from all the negative thoughts. he didn't know what was right or wrong anymore. he just knew he wanted to be in taehyung's arms right now, hide away from the world after being the fucked-up part of it himself.

but who could have ever told the teenager jeongguk that the next morning was going to change the trajectory of his life completely?

the next morning, jeongguk had woken up from his deep slumber. he had cried for hours in the bathroom floor and when it was closer to dawn, he had finally started to feel tired. with swollen eyes and a headache, he had gone to sleep. however his peaceful sleep was interrupted as cheolsu was shaking his body.

his eyes snapped open, still adjusting to the sight of cheolsu shaking his body. he slowly blinked his eyes open to find the shocking sight of his older brother crying.

he sat up right away, looking at the other with concern filled eyes.

"what happened?"

cheolsu pressed his lips together. his face was so colorless that jeongguk found himself growing cold.

"jake... jake, h-he..." jeongguk could hear the noises coming from outside. his whole body felt as though it had been electrified. he got down from the bed, pushed cheolsu to the side and ran through the corridor to reach jake's room. however, his steps slowed as he saw everyone crowding the entrance.

his mother was the first one to notice him, and seeing him, she rushed to stop him from coming any closer. jeongguk noticed the tears and horror in her eyes as she tried to push him back. "go back to your room."

but he didn't answer her at all. gently but with strength, he pushed her aside and got closer. she tried to stop him but jeongguk's steps only quickened. and as he entered the room, the sounds of crying and screaming all blurred. he slowly raised his head.

jeongguk's eyes widened a second later, his heart slowing down seeing the sight of,

jake hanging from the ceiling fan, the rope pulled taut around his neck.

he stepped back, but eyes never leaving the lifeless body that didn't even sway in the air, just hanging there. those same bloodshot eyes he saw last night were opened, as if staring at him.

as if telling him, he was the reason all of this happened.

as if he was the reason, jake committed suicide.

"my baby! oh g-god! god!" he could hear jake's mother crying, holding onto the lifeless legs. jeongguk took more steps back, shaking his head. how did everything come to this?

how did the person he used to look up to, the perfect hyung he ever had ended his life so miserably?

suddenly his gaze fell in the direction of the table, like last night, there was a paper, something was scribbled on it. he took slow and sluggish steps and then grabbed the paper.

his heart twisted in its cage as he read the letter.

'i'm not abnormal. neither are you. but the world is not a kind place for us and i'm sorry for that. i'm sorry for leaving this burden on you. it's not your fault, none of it. you might think your words affected me, but i had decided to let go long before that. because honestly, i'm just weak, so i have given up. but you don't. you live. you live for what you love. protect yourself and your love.'

jeongguk fell on his knees and seeing his state his mother rushed to him. jeongguk was just in time to scrunch the paper in his fist and hide it away. his name was not written in it but he knew it was for him. he knew jake was looking out for him till the end because-

hyung understands.

he understood till the end. even when he pushed him away, said those harsh words. he pushed his cousin to the edge of suicide, yet he understood him.

jeongguk killed jake but jake saved him.

he watched as they brought the lifeless body down. tears silently cascaded his face, disgusting himself because how dare he cry now?

the atmosphere got suffocating, everyone cried and grieved but jeongguk thought that was hypocritical of them. after pushing the happy so full of life person to the brink of destruction that left him with no choice but to kill himself, they were grieving.

then amidst all, he finally heard jake's father speaking.

"this happened because of that mental illness. it killed my son"

he looked at the man with wide shocked eyes.

"it killed him!"

"are you serious right now?" jeongguk had gotten up, the man looked at him, perplexed.

"are you fucking serious?"

"jeongguk" dojin started but jeongguk was already standing in front of the man.

"it killed him? more like, we killed him"

the man's eyes widened.

"hyung was not sick! you guys are!" he cried out, the weight of everything breaking down on him. "he was perfectly fine but you guys ruined him!"

the man's face twisted in disgust. "no, it was that sickness," he spat. "that disease in his head- that is what killed him."

"a disease?" he rasped, his voice trembling. "you think-" he let out a short, humorless laugh, but there was nothing funny about any of this.

"it is a disease," the man interrupted. "it warps minds, turns people into-"

"turns people into what?" jeongguk snapped, stepping forward. his entire body shook with rage, his hands curling into fists at his sides. "someone who wanted to be happy? someone who wanted to be himself?"

"he could have been normal," the man seethed. "he could have lived a good life, but he chose-"

"he didn't choose anything!" jeongguk's voice cracked as he cut him off. "you think he wanted this? you think he wanted to be hated by the people who were supposed to love him?" he swallowed hard, his chest rising and falling unevenly.

the man's jaw clenched. "you wouldn't understand."

"then make me understand,"

"tell me how loving someone made him sick. tell me how we are the problem when it was you who made him feel like he didn't deserve to exist."

dojin interfered with a dark expression. "we?"

jeongguk's breath hitched in his throat.

then the man's eyes narrowed. "why are you so worked up over this?" his voice was quieter now, but laced with suspicion. "why do you care so much?"

jeongguk's heart pounded violently in his chest. he could feel the air shift around him, the weight of the man's words pressing down on him like a crushing force. why on earth did he include himself in it?

"don't tell me-" the man's eyes widened. "you're one of them too?"

jeongguk froze.

"jeongguk." dojin grabbed him by his arm, turning him around to face him. "why did you say we?"

the air in the room felt suffocating, thick with something far worse than grief- judgment. jeongguk could feel it pressing against his skin, wrapping around his throat like an invisible noose.

jake's lifeless body lay sprawled on the floor- unmoving and untouched. but no one was mourning him. no one was crying for him. his death should have been the focus, his pain, his suffering- him. but instead, all eyes were on him instead. their scrutiny piercing through him like daggers. was this really the time and place to confront him?

his father's grip on his arm was bruising, fingers digging into his skin like he was trying to pull the truth out of him by force. however, what was odd was that his father didn't raise his voice or show any intimidation on his face. he looked calm, dangerously so.

"hm? is there something i should know, son?"

jeongguk went frozen, his heartbeat a frantic rhythm against his ribs. his father's calm tone should help him in telling the truth, thinking maybe he would understand him but jeongguk knew better than to trust his father. this might be a ploy to trick him and if that was the case, he'd be done for.

amidst all his thoughts, he dared a glance at jake, at the way his once-bright eyes were now dull and lifeless, at the way he was discarded like an afterthought. gone, just like that.

was this how easily they erased someone? how quickly they reduced a person to nothing the moment they no longer fit into their version of normal?

a sickening realization settled in jeongguk's chest. they weren't grieving. they weren't heartbroken. jake's death wasn't a loss to them- it was an example. an example of what happens to those who step out of line.

and now, they were looking at him.

jeongguk felt his father's fingers tighten despite the blank look on his face. the silence was unbearable, yet it spoke louder than any words ever could. he could hear the unspoken threats in it, the warning.

don't say it. don't be like him. don't ruin yourself too.

his chest ached with the weight of it all. he could say what they wanted to hear. he could lie, pretend, bury himself alive in their expectations.

or-

he could tell the truth.

but if he did, he knew what would follow. knew the way their faces would twist in disgust, knew the punishment that would rain down on him, knew he would be condemned just like jake.

and worst of all- he knew they wouldn't care. if he died tomorrow, they wouldn't mourn him either. they would mourn the fact that he wasn't normal.

his lips trembled, but he pressed them together, swallowing down the lump in his throat. he wasn't ready to die. not yet.

so, he did the only thing he could.

"of course not. i'm not like him, i'll never be. i'm normal, father" dojin's blank eyes finally glistened with satisfaction, jeongguk knew it. "i'm just saying, hyung's gone, let him be in peace now, please" he said monotonously.

and after that, he didn't say a word. they held a funeral in secret, not letting anyone know what had happened. they made up a lie that jake had died in a car accident. and just like that, his truth had been buried and there was nothing jeongguk could do about it. if anything, he was a part of it, perhaps even the cause of it.

their stay there was close to ending- only two days left until jeongguk returned to korea. and in all those days, he hadn't called taehyung even once. he was scared, terribly scared, that he'd say something that would expose what he had done.

he had nightmares every night-every single one was the same. jake would look at him with those lifeless, bloodshot eyes, calling him his murderer. even though jake never blamed him in the letter. if anything, he said it wasn't his fault- jeongguk couldn't help but think it was.

if he had been brave enough to stand up for him. if that night, instead of saying those harsh words, he had been there for him-maybe jake would still be here, knowing there was someone who thought he was normal. but jeongguk was just like the rest of them. or maybe, just maybe, he was the worst of them all.

"you killed me, you killed me-"

"AH!" he had woken up again. this time it was overwhelming for jeongguk, the nightmares and voices that constantly haunted him were driving him crazy.

"no... i can't go on like this... i have to tell them" he blabbered to himself as he tried to get down the bed. but then abruptly a hand grabbed his wrist. jeongguk flinched hard and almost screamed until he looked to the side, finding cheolsu staring at him.

"where are you going?"

"i'm going to tell them everything"

"tell them what?"

"that hyung was not sick. he was normal and so am i... they are wrong, all of them are."

"and then what?"

cheolsu looked at him in pain. "you saw what happened to jake. do you think they care what you have to say?"

"also how are you like him? do you like men?"

"n-no... i... i just like tae." jeongguk was missing taehyung like crazy, not having to talk to him or see his face for so long was driving him nuts to the point he wasn't realizing he was letting out his true emotions. "i like him so much"

"what kind of like are we talking about here?"

jeongguk gulped, he saw the shock in the older's eyes, the similar kind of shock he had seen in the rest of the family's eyes but again, what was so different anyway? he didn't expect cheolsu to understand him in the first place. however, when he stared at him like that it made jeongguk feel terribly conscious of what he had said.

"it's- ugh i don't know, fuck i don't know anything!" jeongguk crouched his head down, pulling on his hair from frustration.

"hey, look at me," cheolsu called out softly, and jeongguk, with his lost, fearful eyes looked up at the older. "do you like this boy? answer me truthfully."

seeing how cheolsu looked at him with nonjudgmental eyes- eyes he had never seen before in his life and the way his older brother asked him not to harm, but perhaps to help him, jeongguk decided to do what the older wanted- answer truthfully.

however, just when his eyes sparkled, wanting to say what he truly felt, cheolsu added, "but before that, you know what happened to jake. you know the kind of havoc that can come your way from a single word. it can change your entire life, jeongguk. so be careful but honest when you answer me, okay?"

and that caution, which felt like a warning, made jeongguk's lips fall silent again. oh really, how could his answer be that simple? after seeing what happened to jake and what he himself put the male through before his death, just because he was different from the rest. was he really ready to face the same? never. he wasn't as strong as jake. he wouldn't be able to hold out for even a minute like the male.

his answer wouldn't just change his life; there was also a high risk it would make taehyung disappear from his life. and so, his biggest fear, losing taehyung stopped him from answering truthfully.

he looked into cheolsu's eyes as he replied coldly, "no, i don't like him."

"you can be honest with me." cheolsu urged, something in his gaze dimming with lost hope. and unlike the previous talk he had with him where cheolsu looked disgusted by jake's coming out, this time, he looked a lot tamed, a lot devastated. like this time, he genuinely wanted to help.

but jeongguk saw what happened to jake, saw what was the consequence of not being the normal this world has standardized.

he wiped his tears, "i am honest"

cheolsu clenched his jaw in defeat. "not brave enough huh?"

"what-"

"he's gone, jeongguk. he won't be back. let's accept that, yeah?"

and he knew what cheolsu meant by that. he wanted them to close this chapter.

because jeongguk failed to continue it.

because he failed to be brave.

"i said so many harsh things to hyung... when he needed me the most i abandoned him too. i pushed him to commit suicide" jeongguk exhaled, blinking his eyes making the tears roll down his face. he stared up at the ceiling the whole time, not daring to glance at taehyung for even once.

after he finished, he slowly looked ahead at taehyung and he didn't know what to feel. was taehyung sad? or angry? or disgusted? he couldn't tell as his own tears blurred his vision. he finally told taehyung the darkest part of himself, something he thought he'd take to the grave with himself. oh what a tragic turn of events.

the quietness of the room and the burning sensation of his fever were making jeongguk feel pretty tired. he had been speaking for a long time now, unsure if at any point his words had been slurred or incoherent. now, after letting it all out, the tiredness grew more intense. jeongguk slowly blinked his heavy eyelids, the sight of taehyung blurry.

"tae..."

taehyung stretched his hand out, covering his eyes.

"goodnight, gguk."

~~~

the next morning when jeongguk woke up, last night's events were blurry in his head. the sunlight peeking through the curtain made him turn to the other side, stretching his arm out, falling on the empty space beside him.

he opened his eyes, staring at the empty spot where taehyung should be. but then, he recalled what exactly happened yesterday, which forced him to sit up.

he had confessed to be a murderer to taehyung.

he had told taehyung about everything, bared it all out like he had no fear of the outcomes.

but right now, jeongguk was crumbling in fear as he got down from the bed, leaving the room to look around. the apartment was quiet and the owner was nowhere to be seen. jeongguk's blood ran cold as he called the other's number.

taehyung didn't pick up.

"fuck fuck fuck" he cursed, looking around frantically not knowing what to do. he kept calling taehyung but he still didn't pick up.

"why did i tell him all that!" he screamed, pulling on his hair from anxiety that started crippling.

he then dialled yoongi's number. but unlike last time, he didn't panic in front of the older, not because he was afraid of yoongi but because he didn't want to repeat anything that happened five years ago.

"is taehyung with you?"

"no. shouldn't he be at work?"

"oh right... that totally slipped my mind." he cut the call. if not with yoongi then not with jimin or seokjin either.

without wasting any time, he left for oasis, praying taehyung had just gone to work and didn't want to wake him up. he ran and almost stumbled on his own feet as he reached the receptionist.

"good morni-"

"taehyung, is he here?"

minhee, the receptionist, was taken aback by jeongguk's impatience. she didn't need to check the screen to know he hadn't checked in yet.

"no, sir. mr. kim taehyung is not present at the mo-"

"call your manager."

"sir-"

"call him, damnit!"

minhee quickly called for the manager, who rushed over without delay. "mr. jeon, did you need something?"

"has taehyung contacted you?"

the manager, just as surprised as minhee, shook his head. "no, unfortunately i haven't seen him since yesterday, but i'm sure he's on his way right now. is there something you need from him, sir?"

"fuck..." jeongguk turned away, raking his fingers through his hair. the paranoia settling in made even breathing feel like a struggle. "where did he go..." his gaze then landed on heejae.

without a second thought, he rushed toward the male. heejae flinched when jeongguk grabbed him by the shoulder, "did you talk to taehyung? you did, right??"

"get your hands off me, first. and second, no, i haven't-"

"you're not lying? none of you are, right?" jeongguk looked at minhee, the manager, and heejae with wild eyes. his gaze was red and tearful, his heart hammering in his chest. "you're hiding him from me, aren't you?"

"mr. jeon, please calm down-"

"where the fuck is he? where is my tae!" jeongguk shouted, drawing more attention than he would be comfortable with but in that moment, nothing else mattered but taehyung.

he felt as though he was going crazy. not with his friends, not even in oasis and he didn't even leave any message behind this time. if he were to lose taehyung this time, how would he find him? what would become of him?

wait, did taehyung actually leave him, again?

all the negative thoughts swirled in his head making him feel dizzy. his heartbeat loud in his ears but just then-

his phone rang.

he didn't waste a second picking it up, not even bothering to see who was calling him as he prayed it to be taehyung.

but he was disappointed when he heard cheolsu speaking.

"where are you?"

he didn't want to waste time talking with his brother but it was another fact that cheolsu never called him himself. it was the first time in many years he called and that couldn't help but make jeongguk anxious.

"why?"

the next words cheolsu said made jeongguk's eyes go wide in shock.

"taehyung is here, in our house"

"what?"

"come quickly. things are not looking good..."

jeongguk nearly dropped his phone as he ran to his car. he drove at the highest speed possible without getting himself into trouble, he was sure he broke traffic rules but he just didn't care. what taehyung was doing at his place? especially when his parents were right there. it was hell on wheels and even if he wished for no disaster to happen, that would be a dream in a situation like this.

upon reaching his house, he ran like a madman, not wanting to waste a second staying away from taehyung, especially at a time like this.

"tae!" he screamed out as he bursted in through the door.

his steps halted, heart near to jump out of it's cage from all the tension building as his eyes fell on the sight before him.

dojin had grabbed taehyung by the collar, his fist raised in the air.

everyone turned their heads towards him and jeongguk's gaze trailed to taehyung who looked at him helplessly.

dojin smiled and jeongguk knew better to take that smile as the most dangerous thing ever.

"oh well, i don't know why you lied to me son." dojin tightened the grip he had on taehyung's collar.

"why didn't you tell me, this boy-" dojin glanced at taehyung before looking at him again, his smile fading. "is your lover?"

jeongguk's blood ran cold, yet again.

shit.

━━━━━━━━