✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

"ah, right— taehyung. jeongguk's lover.”

out of all the things the man in front of them could have said, he chose this. taehyung couldn't believe his ears, his eyes slowly widening as he turned to look at jeongguk, who was staring at his brother with eyes bulging in anger.

this had to be a joke, right?

that jeongguk's brother would burst into laughter any moment now, telling them he was just joking.

right?

jeongguk gritted his teeth and clenched his fists. he asked in a slow and menacing way, “the fuck you just said?”

and even now, taehyung thought the man might laugh and say he was joking. but he didn’t.

jeongguk's brother scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning against the door frame. “i said he's your lover. isn't that right?”

there was no way this man was joking. his tone, flat and unyielding made that painfully clear. and so, taehyung felt his heart twist with a gripping fear. how on earth did jeongguk's brother know?

“do you hear yourself?” jeongguk spoke again, inching closer. “you want to start something here?” the anger radiating off him was so intense that when his hand began to lift, taehyung’s body moved instinctively, trying to hold him back.

never in a million years he thought things would unfold like this. just what the hell was going on right now?

“am i wrong?” jeongguk's brother tilted his head toward taehyung, a sly smirk tugging at his lips. though the brothers didn’t resemble each other much, the smirk the older man displayed bore an uncanny similarity to jeongguk’s, throwing taehyung even more off guard. “you're his lover, right… tae?”

before taehyung could even process the words, jeongguk had already reached out, grabbing his older brother harshly by the collar.

“jeongguk!” taehyung gasped as the younger male slammed his brother against the wall.

“you on drugs, again?” jeongguk's eyes widened menacingly, the look so sharp it sent chills down taehyung’s spine. he was all too familiar with that expression. he’d seen it enough times to know that when jeongguk wore that look, it usually spelled the end for whoever was on the receiving end.

however, jeongguk's brother finally cracked into a laugh— but it wasn’t the kind of laugh he expected. it carried a mocking edge, one that made the air feel heavier, heavier with danger if taehyung was reading the situation correctly.

“get your hands off me” his brother lowly let out, wrapping one hand around jeongguk’s wrist, his smile sharp and dangerous.

it was the first time taehyung had witnessed someone remain unfazed by jeongguk’s anger. perhaps because it was jeongguk's own older brother, the one who resembles so much like him when he smiles or smirks. perhaps the intimidation runs in the jeon's family as both brothers showed enough of it to each other just in the span of a few minutes.

“you shouldn't be here, you fucking druggie.” jeongguk tightened the grip all the more.

the man finally stopped smiling as he looked dead into the younger's eyes. “what the fuck did you just call me?”

“did i hit a nerve?” jeongguk smirked. like you hit mine. he couldn't say that aloud but somehow his brother could read his exact thoughts.

“you always have to copy me. back then and even now, pathetic little brother of mine”

that was it. jeongguk raised his fist, ready to strike his older brother but before he could, their father's voice boomed through the room.

“what's going on here?”

jeongguk immediately let go of his brother’s collar and stepped back, rolling his eyes toward the floor. he could feel taehyung’s gaze burning into him but he wasn’t brave enough to meet it. he’d lost his temper completely and how he was going to fix this mess was beyond him.

their parents stepped into view, their eyes landing on jeongguk first, who was pointedly looking away and his older brother, glaring daggers at him while straightening his shirt.

the oldest jeon narrowed his eyes, glancing between his sons before asking, “what was all the yelling about? i could hear you two from upstairs.”

when neither spoke, dojin turned to his older son. “what happened?”

“ask your dearest son,”

“cheolsu,” the man’s tone was sharp with warning.

cheolsu looked at him in disbelief before scoffing. “nothing, okay? now leave me be.” he rolled his eyes and brushed past jeongguk, deliberately bumping his shoulder hard enough to make him stumble.

“is this why you called us? to humiliate me in front of my friend?” jeongguk said through gritted teeth, his eyes fixed on his mother, deliberately ignoring his father.

taehyung watched just how much jeongguk was fuming in sheer anger. it made him feel uncomfortably guilty. guess, he shouldn't have said yes to the invitation. but it was too late to regret that now.

mrs jeon caressed jeongguk’s arm with her gentle smile. “your hyung is on his medication, it makes him a little strange. he didn't mean any harm to you or your friend”

“what did he even say for you to react like that?” dojin asked abruptly, jeongguk's fingers tensed as he looked at the man.

“i don't even remember. he was speaking nonsense, that's all i know” jeongguk finally looked at taehyung who at the same time looked back at him. and he sort of regretted addressing it as 'nonsense' after seeing the slight uneasiness on taehyung's face.

“is that so? hm, i'll talk to him later about it then. he shouldn't make his younger brother uncomfortable”

“no” jeongguk said out loud almost immediately, making his parents look at him keenly.

fuck, he feels so suffocated.

he lowered his voice, “it's okay… he's on medication right? it happens. not a big deal”

there was silence for a few seconds. jeongguk didn't dare breaking the eye contact with his father and show how fucking nervous he was. his father who had a blank face abruptly broke into a smile, chuckling. “great. let's go inside then? your mother is working hard on the dinner” dojin patted his son's back and looked at taehyung. “i'm sorry taehyung, you had to see all that. my sons don't get along well sometimes”

the aforementioned male shook his head nervously, trying to smile despite the discomfort brewing in him. “oh no don't say sorry. i completely understand, sir. thank you for inviting me” he bowed hastily, internally smacking himself from acting all over the place. but boy jeongguk's parents are something. he can never get used to their presence, especially not after what just happened.

dojin only smiled and then urged them to come inside. even though at the moment all jeongguk really wanted to do was get the hell out of there with taehyung— he knew he couldn't. with a sour expression on his face, he walked in, taehyung following alongside while noticing the disturbance he clearly showed.

now who would tell them, this was only going to get worse.

╸╸╸

“we will be in my room until dinner's ready” jeongguk informed blankly while urging taehyung to start walking.

“why don't we chat instead? it's been long since i've seen you, son” dojin said with a soft voice like he was really the kind of father that misses his children. jeongguk could laugh.

“no, thank you.” his answer was curt. he couldn't wait to get out of his parent's observing sight already. taehyung could sense it so he didn't question his behavior either and followed suit.

as they climbed the stairs of the familiar house that both hadn't been into for a couple of years now. they couldn't ignore the eyes on their backs.

they were watching.

~~~

“gguk… are you okay?” taehyung softly asked as jeongguk remained rooted to the now closed door of his bedroom.

jeongguk sighed, placing his forehead against the door. it has been years since he stepped inside this room. everything was just the same as he had left them— but he had changed and he wished for nothing but the change to be permanent.

for he didn't want to be the old him, the weak him. but when he's in this hellhole of a house, with his parents and his brother— jeongguk feels as though nothing had ever changed. as if he's just the same old him. the same weak him.

“gguk…” taehyung called out again as he stood behind jeongguk, gently placing his hand over his shoulder. “talk to me, please”

he turned around while gripping the hand taehyung placed on his shoulder. he looked at the male with a tired look on his face. how would he ever tell taehyung about how much he hates being here without revealing anything else? it was suffocating and for the first time ever, jeongguk thought even with taehyung, he felt just as disturbed as before, not if even more.

“wanna leave tae. wanna leave so fucking bad” as though begging to just escape this hellhole of a house, jeongguk looked at taehyung with desperation. it broke taehyung's heart terribly. why on earth did he agree to come here?

“i'm so sorry gguk… i shouldn't have said yes. it's all my fault” taehyung lowered his head, tightening the grip jeongguk had on his hand.

“it's not. i had to face them one day or another anyway” but with you? that's a nightmare coming to life. he held back saying those words.

amidst all, taehyung couldn't get the words jeongguk's brother said out of his head. he was rather curious on why would he call him by a nickname jeongguk uses, or why the hell he would say he's jeongguk's lover. because from jeongguk's reaction outside, it was clear as daylight he hadn't told the older about them.

so he couldn't help but ask, “if you don't mind me asking… what was your brother saying? does… does he know we—”

“no. he doesn't. he was probably high or something, ignore him at the dinner, okay?” jeongguk sternly said, like the mention of his brother's name was ticking him off. taehyung slowly nodded his head.

he also noticed the other not saying anything more about his brother and even though he wanted to ask about him, curious on why he called him by that nickname which he shouldn't be even aware of considering the last time taehyung really saw cheolsu was when they were in elementary school, and even then the older never paid any attention to them. in fact, this was the first time taehyung ever had a talk with him face to face. despite all the odds, he decided to stay quiet for now.

needless to say, taehyung could feel something was terribly wrong with this entire situation, he could see how on edge jeongguk was, like he was trying his best to not freak out from the slightest inconvenience. taehyung has always known jeongguk doesn't have a strong connection with his family and he has seen in the past how the male sometimes became so vulnerable after having family dinners with his parents.

after all, jeongguk used to run back to him all those vulnerable times. how many times he has hugged him and soothed his pain telling him everything is fine now. he wished to do the same at the moment too but to know he was the one who put them in this situation, he felt that would be hypocritical of him. they'll finish the dinner quickly and leave, then he'll make sure this never happens again, not from him at least.

taehyung was snapped out of his trance when jeongguk suddenly grabbed his hand to pull him further in the familiar room. he looked up at the male who only smiled at him, urging him to sit beside him on the bed.

“come on now.” taehyung realized he’d been staring at him for a moment too long. jeongguk who was seated on the bed, patted the space beside him. snapping out of his daze, taehyung quickly sat down, his cheeks heating for reasons he couldn’t quite explain.

“remember all the nights we’ve cuddled on this bed?” jeongguk said suddenly and the abruptness of the statement made taehyung’s ears turn red as he looked away.

“why are you suddenly telling me that…”

“how every morning i whined for you not to leave. to sleep just a little longer. gosh, you were so soft and warm that every time you got up, i wanted to punch the sun just to make it go back.”

taehyung chuckled at the mental image, shaking his head. “jeez, gguk, what’s up with you suddenly?”

“no, seriously. and i would always buy spare clothes in your size, but…” his voice trailed off into a sheepish laugh, “i always ended up making you wear my clothes whenever you slept over. i just loved how they looked on you, and well… they smelled like you afterward. it was kind of a guilty pleasure.”

a playful gasp left taehyung’s lips, his jaw dropping dramatically. “you pervert!” he exclaimed, playfully swatting at jeongguk’s shoulder.

the aforementioned male laughed, dodging the weak hits, his tone becoming a little more eager. “and, and listen,” he urged, “i used to deliberately fail my exams, just so you’d come over and tutor me. sure, i got scolded for messing up simple math problems but it was so worth it. otherwise, you’d practically ignore me during exam season!”

this time, taehyung blinked at the male comically. “are you kidding me right now?”

“do you know one of the first dishes i ever learnt to make was makguksu? over the call when you were at your grandma's house, you told me you were craving for it so i learnt how to make it just for you, tried many ways until i learnt the perfect one that i was sure you'd like”

“for me?”

“for you”

taehyung parted his lips, trying to respond, but no words came out. he wasn’t sure how to describe the warmth pooling in his chest or the realization that jeongguk had always, always, been head over heels for him. the thought brought a smile to his lips, one that grew into a grin as he kicked jeongguk’s leg playfully.

“friends my ass,” he teased, laughing lightly. “you were always in love with me, huh?”

jeongguk froze for a moment, his eyelids wavering but quick as ever, he laughed along, brushing it off. “sure,”

“what i’m trying to say is,” jeongguk began, his voice again quieter now, “at times, i’m distant and strange but that has nothing to do with you. don’t blame yourself for my complications. if anything…” he hesitated, taking in taehyung’s curious expression before continuing. “if anything, you make me feel normal, tae. you are what completes me.”

“i just want you to know you are the most important person to me,” jeongguk emphasized, leaning in slightly, his tone firm yet impossibly gentle.

taehyung’s cheeks flushed a deep crimson and he instinctively glanced down at their hands, his lips pressing together before murmuring, “i know that already…”

“good,” a faint smile tugging at the corners of his lips. “so no matter what happens, we stick together. yes?”

taehyung looked up, meeting jeongguk’s gaze once again. something about the way he said it made taehyung feel safe which jeongguk did want him to feel. his heart-shaped lips curved into a boxy smile, eyes twinkling with warmth.

“you’re so weird,” he teased, though his tone carried more affection than mockery, “jeez, yes!”

what taehyung didn’t know was that this wasn’t just some random talk. for jeongguk, every word he’d said was carefully chosen, a subtle way to assure taehyung that he was always his, even if he sometimes failed to show it. for some reasons, he wanted to give that assurity beforehand. he wanted taehyung to engrain those words in his head and cling to them, when things inevitably would go wrong.

because jeongguk knew.

the dinners never goes well.

the knock on the door was what made the two males halt their light chattering afterwards. reluctantly, jeongguk pushed himself off the bed and made his way to the door.

as expected, his mother stood there, smiling brightly. “dinner’s ready, boys~ have you freshened up yet?”

“we will be there in a minute,” he said monotonously, waiting for his mother to take the hint and leave which thankfully this time she did.

strange. he thought.

with a sigh, jeongguk closed the door and turned back to taehyung, his expression unreadable. for a brief moment, he just looked at him, his eyes scanning taehyung’s face.

“let’s get this over with as quickly as we can, yeah?”

taehyung nodded. “yeah,”

~~~

after freshening up, they descended the stairs and made their way to the dining table. needless to say, both were rather desperate to quickly get through this so-called family dinner and get the hell out of there. jeongguk decided he wouldn’t lose his cool no matter what comment was thrown his way. he doubted he could fully keep his composure intact but he was determined to try regardless.

his father was already seated at the head of the table, his mother to his right and his brother to his left. jeongguk chose to sit beside his brother. he couldn’t bear the thought of taehyung being anywhere near cheolsu so this left taehyung to sit beside his mother.

after they sat down, mrs. jeon spoke in her cheery tone. “it feels like a dream to see the whole family having dinner together. i'm so glad you two could make it today,” she said, turning to smile at taehyung who bowed his head in response, trying to smile as naturally as he could. thankfully, he was rather skilled at it.

“thanks for having me,” funny, he wasn’t thankful at all actually. but whatever helped them get done with this quickly.

“aren't you glad that i came? or is even pretending to be glad not worth it for a druggie like me?” cheolsu scoffed, grabbing everyone’s attention.

druggie? taehyung wondered. jeongguk had said something similar a while ago. did cheolsu have a drug addiction?

mrs. jeon's smile wavered. dojin glared at his older son. “don't use that kind of language here, cheol.”

“it's the truth.”

“i told you to shut it,” dojin warned. cheolsu rolled his eyes but then shifted his gaze to taehyung instead. the said male was taken aback to meet cheolsu's eyes.

after a tense moment, cheolsu smiled at him. it wasn’t a smile that gave any positive vibes. everything about it felt ominous, like something was definitely about to go wrong.

taehyung broke eye contact first, looking down at his lap instead. cheolsu then shifted his gaze beside him and saw jeongguk glaring at him. it satisfied him further.

it wasn’t long after that the dinner was served. everyone started eating thankfully. however, just when both taehyung and jeongguk thought they might avoid any kind of questions, the exact thing they feared happened.

“so, what do you do, taehyung?” dojin asked unexpectedly, making jeongguk tense as he subtly looked at taehyung and then at his father.

“i… uh, i work at a hotel named oasis as an assistant manager.”

“oh, oasis? isn't that where you're staying?” the man asked, looking at jeongguk, who timidly nodded in response.

“ah, no wonder your mother said taehyung was accompanying you.” he then turned to taehyung. “you two must see each other a lot then.”

“i wouldn't say a lot—”

“how's that even a question?”

slowly, jeongguk turned his head to the side, his sharp gaze landing on cheolsu who sat beside him with the faintest smirk curling at the corner of his lips.

sensing his piercing gaze, cheolsu tilted his head to meet his younger brother's eyes, his smirk only widening. “in the same hotel too? that's a bit too scandalous, isn't it?”

right. how could jeongguk ever expect nothing to happen when his brother himself was presented? truthfully, he would have never paid attention to him if it was just about him. but he dared to mention taehyung, that was the easiest trigger for jeongguk.

“what the fuck do you mean?” he rasped, gripping his chopsticks hard enough for them to crack under the pressure.

ah shit. taehyung tensed, watching jeongguk slowly lose his cool. he wanted to intervene but knew it wasn’t the right time— not when this was a family issue unfolding before jeongguk's parents.

“i mean just what i said. you want me to say it out loud now?”

the question made jeongguk's blood run cold, his anger turning into something else. he tried to calm his anger down while looking away. when he felt eyes on him he had no choice but to shove the food in his mouth that almost made him gag. he felt so damn nauseous.

then he heard his brother mumble, “fucking coward”

jeongguk's heart twisted in its cage. he was so fucking angry but so fucking ashamed too, because deep down, he knew his brother was right. he was a coward and he hated how his brother could see right through him. he wasn't supposed to be so transparent but with the wrong people around, he was being just that. he looked at taehyung who watched him with concern in his eyes which only deepened that shame, shame of being a loser who was so easily played by his family.

a cold sweat broke out on his forehead and his breathing quickened. he felt suffocated, as if the walls were closing in, the clinking sounds of utensils blurring into an unbearable noise. all he wanted to do in that moment was grab taehyung’s hand and get the hell out of this shithole.

oh, he would kill for a hug from taehyung right now and he knew that if he looked up and saw him, he’d do exactly that. so he kept his head low, silently chewing. even the food started tasting like shit. he wanted to throw up, but that would only prolong their stay, and he didn’t want that at all.

amidst it all, he heard his father speaking again.

“do you know taehyung well, cheol? i mean, you sound like you hang out with them.”

fuck fuck fuck. jeongguk's heart rate spiked and his head started feeling heavy from the anxiety creeping in.

he saw how his brother glanced at him blankly.

his eyes widened in realization.

no no no—

“maybe? i know just enough.”

“j-just drop it.”

everyone turned their heads to look at jeongguk, who was staring at his older brother with a helpless expression, his eyes slightly red, like he was on the verge of crying.

cheolsu met his gaze slowly, his blank face unwavering. if anything, in jeongguk's vision, it looked like the man was smirking in satisfaction.

“please hyung”

cheolsu slightly widened his eyes, his lips falling silent. hyung. jeongguk called him hyung.

he glanced at the man jeongguk brought home, analyzing his face, trying to understand why jeongguk would go to such lengths for him. it was amusing, to say the least.

meanwhile, their parents exchanged glances, suspicion flickering on their faces.

dojin spoke, obviously, he had to. “is there something i should be aware of, boys?”

for a man. cheolsu shook his head, a trace of derision in his expression. his younger brother never learns.

“you haven’t told them, have you?”

jeongguk’s world froze as his brother sneered, looking at him like he knew everything. but did he really? since when did his drug addicted brother know him? jeongguk thought bitterly. even in the past, cheolsu had acted like he understood him best. it was so fucking ridiculous. because he didn't. no one knew him, absolutely no one.

“it’s been years. for how long will you hide?”

you’re just like the rest.

“s-stop,” jeongguk breathed out.

“you’ll hide, and i’ll be the bad guy, isn’t that right?”

am i disgusting, jeongguk?

“what’s up with you two?” mrs. jeon asked.

“be a little brave, jeongguk.” cheolsu placed a hand on his younger brother’s shoulder.

jeongguk’s world started spinning.

you’re right. no one loves me.

he clutched his head, lowering it.

but no one will love you either, jeongguk.

he shook his head, but the voices only grew louder.

not your family, not your tae, no one.

his heart started hammering in his chest.

no one will love you.

he opened his eyes, looking directly at taehyung. in his vision, taehyung sat there with the most worried expression, his fingers visibly itching to reach out for him. jeongguk wanted to reach out too— to escape the voices, his family, and himself.

but even taehyung felt so far. as if he was out of reach. jeongguk blinked, desperately trying to regain his focus.

by now, his parents had noticed the shift in his demeanor.

the right time.

“i’m asking something, cheol. what is going on?” dojin repeated, his tone sharper, more deliberate.

cheolsu withdrew his hand and turned to face their father. jeongguk looked at his side profile, his vision growing hazy.

how cruel.

no one will love you.

he had called him hyung with such vulnerability, but cheolsu didn’t care.

no one will love you.

none of them ever did.

no one will love you—

“oh well father—”

“I'M NOT GAY!”

jeongguk abruptly stood up, the chair he was sitting on crashing against the floor. the broken chopsticks he had been holding clattered down alongside it.

taehyung flinched.

jeongguk stepped back slowly. his world started to collapse, the memories flashing through his mind at such an overwhelming speed that it felt like he was being pulled back in time.

“HIM?” jeongguk pointed his finger at taehyung, who only stared back at him with wide eyes, confusion and pure shock etched onto his face. “H-HAH, A MAN? DO I LOOK LIKE A FAGGOT TO YOU ALL?”

he didn’t dare to look at taehyung anymore. he didn’t want to know what expression he wore—whether it was hurt, shock, or something worse. he couldn’t bear to meet his eyes while spewing the very words he had grown to despise.

because jeongguk knows he fucks up.

he always does.

“son calm down—” mrs jeon tried but jeongguk was yelling yet again.

“I'M NOT MENTALLY ILL! NOR IS TAEHYUNG! WE ARE NORMAL, WE ARE FUCKING NORMAL! YOU HEAR ME?”

“we get it, so just—” his mother attempted to intervene again but jeongguk was far too gone. for what reason? even he didn’t know.

“I WILL NEVER EVER GO THAT PATH! I'M NOT SICK, I'M NOT A HOMOSEXUAL, I DON'T HAVE THE BRAIN OF A PIG! SO STOP—STOP PRYING INTO MY LIFE!”

his gaze darted to his father, who merely stared at him with a blank expression. a tear slid down jeongguk’s face as he weakly breathed out,

“i-i’m begging you.”

after his outburst, the room plunged into an unbearable silence. cheolsu who had initially widened his eyes in surprise, slowly grimaced, shaking his head in disapproval. his mother looked at him with a pitying expression and finally, when he turned his eyes to his father, the crushing weight of defeat settled over him.

dojin’s lips curled into a satisfied smile. “okay,” he said simply, then gestured toward the table. “let’s continue eating, shall we?”

jeongguk dragged the chair back like a lifeless doll, plopping down and picking up the broken chopsticks. his gaze remained fixed on his bowl of rice, unable to lift his head or to look at taehyung.

“i can’t believe this. you all are fucking sick,” cheolsu mumbled under his breath as he stood up and stormed out.

but jeongguk didn’t dare to move. the seconds stretched, time slipping by unnoticed. his grip tightened on the broken chopsticks but he couldn’t bring himself to eat. he just stared at the untouched rice.

his parents were speaking but their words were muffled, distant, like background noise in a nightmare. seconds turned into minutes— maybe even an hour. at some point, they left too, their voices replaced by the faint sound of the tv from the living room.

jeongguk’s neck ached from the weight of it all.

and so finally, he raised his head.

the table was empty.

except,

taehyung was still there, sitting right across from him.

jeongguk flinched when their eyes met. all this time, taehyung had actually been staring at him, his own food untouched.

jeongguk couldn’t even describe the hollowness in his chest anymore.

taehyung’s face was unreadable— no tears, no frown, no smile. nothing. just an empty, piercing gaze.

yet it felt heavier than all the emotions he had ever seen from him. jeongguk had watched taehyung grow up, but never, not even once had he seen this kind of void on his face.

but why?

hadn’t he assured taehyung beforehand? told him he was always his, that he should not have any fear of losing him? jeongguk had thought taehyung would understand, like he always did. because taehyung was the considerate one, the forgiving one.

when taehyung finally spoke, it dragged jeongguk out of his spiraling thoughts, slamming him back into the cold reality of what he had done.

“you were right.”

“i fucked us up,” his voice cracked. “a-again.”

“tae—”

“can we leave?” taehyung interrupted, his expression twisting ever so slightly. “please, i want to go home.”

home is wherever you are.

that’s what they used to say to each other.

but now, jeongguk didn’t even blame taehyung for wanting to leave. at this point, he didn’t know what to feel, let alone how to express it.

so he nodded. just nodded.

~~~

“what? you are leaving already? the weather forecast said a storm is approaching, stay the night” mrs jeon rushed to the front door, seeing jeongguk and taehyung silently wearing their shoes.

none answered.

“jeongguk-ah, did you not hear me at the table? i'm telling you, this is not what we called you for. it was really just a family dinner. now don't be stubborn and stay—”

“enough” jeongguk snarled, his eyes red and tired. “you got your answer. now drop this”

“you are not over that, are you?” the woman stepped closer, jeongguk watched with spiteful gaze. oh he hated this woman, he hated her husband and her son, he hated everyone of the family.

“it was not your fault, jeongguk. you were a child”

“a child you failed to protect”

“a child that grew up to be still tortured by you and your husband. congrats, you got what you want yet again.” jeongguk inched closer, rasping out, “i fucking hate you”

“i hate you all” the woman's eyes started tearing up.

“you don't mean that—”

jeongguk turned around, finding taehyung was already out. he rushed to follow the man, ignoring the way his mother was crying and calling out for him.

he practically ran to the garage, afraid taehyung might have gone his own way instead of letting him drop him off. however, he was relieved to see taehyung sitting inside the car.

jeongguk let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding as he opened the driver’s side door. taehyung sat in the passenger seat, his gaze fixed somewhere outside the window, his face illuminated faintly by the overhead light in the garage. even looking hard enough, jeongguk couldn't figure out what the male felt. for his expression was unreadable and posture stiff, as though he’d folded in on himself to take up as little space as possible.

sliding into the driver’s seat, jeongguk shut the door with more force than intended. the sound echoing in the enclosed space. he glanced at taehyung briefly, hoping for some acknowledgment but the man remained still, his silence loud enough to fill the space between them.

jeongguk started the car, the low hum of the engine breaking the oppressive quiet. he should say something but he didn't know what— like what he possibly could say to not sound like a hypocrite? he didn't want to say anything, not after saying more than enough back there.

he pulled out of the garage, his hands gripping the wheel tighter than necessary. every few seconds, he stole glances at taehyung who hadn’t shifted even slightly, his head still turned toward the window.

the silence stretched and god, it was so terribly uncomfortable, pressing down on jeongguk like a weight he didn't know for how long he could endure. he wanted to say something, anything but his throat felt dry, and the words tangled in his mind which was bad, because if this went on for any longer, he'll get themselves into an accident.

and so after a few minutes when jeongguk couldn’t take it anymore he finally asked, “are you okay?” his voice softer than usual, almost hesitant.

taehyung didn’t respond immediately, his eyes following the blur of streetlights outside. “i’m fine,” he finally murmured, though his tone was flat, devoid of any conviction.

the sound of thunder kind of sharpened jeongguk's senses, or maybe really it was the ‘i'm fine’ taehyung uttered which was a complete lie.

this cold shoulder from taehyung was eating jeongguk alive. the corners of his eyes stung with tears again. god, he was so damn scared. he wanted to hide away in taehyung's arms— which was messed up. how could he greed for something so beautiful after hurting the one he wants to be comforted by now?

jeongguk slowed down the car and then eventually stopped it. he sniffled, “you… p-promised me tae… you promised that you won't hate me”

finally, taehyung turned his head slightly, his eyes meeting jeongguk’s for the first time since they’d left the house. there was a heaviness in his gaze, a quiet kind of hurt that made jeongguk’s chest tighten painfully.

“i don't hate you”

“you d-do… how could you not?”

a thunder roared.

taehyung slightly flinched.

jeongguk should really start driving and drop him off quickly before it started to rain, knowing taehyung was scared of thunder. but he just couldn't— not with taehyung seated right there, telling him he didn’t hate him with that apathetic tone that conveyed just the opposite.

“start driving. i wanna go home.”

“i'm your home, tae. where else do you want to go?” jeongguk sniffled with a shaking voice, reaching for taehyung's hand which somehow seemed so far, despite being right there on the male's lap.

taehyung's eyes stung with tears as well. “please.” a thunderclap followed. he flinched again, “i w-wanna go h-home…”

“tae… my tae… please don’t do this… please don’t leave me again.” jeongguk slowly lowered his upper body and rested his head on taehyung's lap, grabbing his shirt between his fingers, clutching it tightly and trembling.

“i won’t leave you, now just start driving!” taehyung tried to push jeongguk away but the male didn’t budge. he never did. jeongguk, as always, did whatever he wanted.

taehyung was so sick of it.

not being able to take it anymore, he opened the car door, not realizing it was already raining— practically storming. it gave him a strange sort of deja vu, like he had gone through this hell already. he probably had because what was so new about jeongguk doing whatever the fuck he wants?

nothing.

taehyung was so so so sick of it.

he shoved jeongguk off him and got out of the car. jeongguk sat in much struggle, tripping all over his own steps as with wide eyes he opened the car door to his side and got out of the car himself.

his voice cracked against the storm, barely audible over the sound of rain hammering down around them. “tae!”

taehyung didn’t stop, his steps unsteady and slow as he walked away from the car, the rain soaking him within seconds. his shoulders shook, whether from the cold or something deeper, jeongguk couldn’t tell. but thankfully the thunders had stopped but if taehyung kept being drenched in the rain, he'd definitely catch a terrible cold.

he staggered after taehyung, heart pounding in his chest, the weight of taehyung’s silent walk crushing him more than any scream or beating ever could. “p-please, just listen to me,” he pleaded, his voice breaking.

he followed behind taehyung, they were walking, not even running. yet in this shivering cold storm, none dared to stop and seek shelter.

for there was no shelter from this misery to begin with.

they both had figured that out by now.

“t-tae… d-don't leave m-me!” jeongguk cried out, his voice getting swallowed by the rain.

and then suddenly, taehyung spun around, his wet hair plastered to his forehead, and for a moment, jeongguk saw it all— the anger, the hurt, the exhaustion that seemed to seep into his very soul.

“don't leave me, don't leave me—that's all you ever say.” taehyung’s voice was hoarse, trembling with restrained emotions. “scared of losing me, huh? and you know what i'm scared of?” he stepped closer, jeongguk's eyes following him helplessly, completely soaked in the rain.

“i'm scared of loving you.”

“because my love? it's not trustworthy for you. you don't trust me enough. it's a dead end for my heart, it always has been.”

“n-no.” jeongguk shook his head, crying like never before. he looked so lost, his hair sticking to his forehead, eyelashes clumped together, eyes and lips swollen red, his skin as pale as the moon. “d-don't say that, i'll be b-better—”

“fuck you.” taehyung shoved jeongguk back, then stepped forward and shoved him again. “fuck you, jeon jeongguk.”

“how will you be better when you keep repeating the past mistakes? how will you change the nature of hurting me?”

“you don’t even see it, do you?” taehyung whispered, his voice so soft now it was almost lost in the rain. “how much it hurts to stand by you, to love you, when all you do is push me away the moment it gets hard.”

“that’s not true,” jeongguk rasped, his chest heaving as he struggled to find the right words, any words that could make taehyung stay which he doubted the male would— after all, he was really repeating the past.

“i care about you, tae. you are all i care about. i have told you enough times already so why don't you trust me—”

taehyung let out a bitter laugh to interrupt jeongguk, the sound sharp and cutting through the storm, and jeongguk just wanted to hug him, so tight that they both would forget about everything else.

“care about me? this is caring to you?” taehyung wiped at his face, though the rain made it impossible to tell if he was crying. “say, do you even know what has hurt me?”

of course, jeongguk knew. how could he not? he might have lost his senses while spitting those venomous words out, but after he was done, the weight of what he had done crashed down on him. “those w-words… i shouldn't have said—”

“wrong.” hearing taehyung, jeongguk's lips fell into silence.

he watched, in the perilous rain, as taehyung stared at him with pure devastation. what had he forgotten to catch on to here? just what had hurt taehyung then?

“you keeping secrets from me is what hurt me.” taehyung jabbed a finger into his chest, looking at him like he had committed a terrible crime. he must have.

“you hiding the past that haunts you is hurting me.”

“you being a victim of your family is what's hurting me.”

“you calling me out so desperately, like you have no will to live and that i might lose you forever, fucking hurts me.”

taehyung’s finger slid down jeongguk's chest and his head lowered, choking sobs erupting from him that immobilized jeongguk completely. he silently watched as taehyung raised his head to look at him like he was a criminal, which he thought he already was. a criminal to hurt such a kind and pure soul who has nothing but love to give. while he? he has nothing to offer than the hurt itself.

“a simple ‘i love you’ that you can't say hurts me, gguk.”

“you hurting alone is hurting me.”

he sniffled, continuing, “i knew something was wrong when you kept saying all those affectionate words and making me that promise to not hate you. but couldn't you have just told me that your family is fucked up? that they are the reason you're a homophobe?”

“was telling the truth that hard?”

jeongguk's fists clenched, falling by his sides. he watched how taehyung shivered in the cold rain as he lowered his head, wrapping his arms around himself and just sobbing with his whole trembling body. he watched him quietly, his tears falling just as silently.

the sight of taehyung shivering in the cold was heartbreaking, and so jeongguk stepped in closer, opening his already drenched blazer before stepping close enough for taehyung to be pressed against him. he wrapped the blazer around him, a silly attempt to hide taehyung away under its warmth. he really wished he could, wished he could have hidden taehyung away from his cruel family. maybe then, he wouldn't have said all those words. maybe then, saying a simple "i love you" wouldn't have been so hard.

“let's go home”

taehyung didn't say a word. home, he says? where is home? when jeongguk didn't trust him enough to tell why he was hurting alone, exactly what makes them lovers? this unspoken love they share, away from the world, away from each other?

home didn’t feel like home anymore.

“so you won't tell me” taehyung pushed himself back. even though jeongguk's drenched coat provided some warmth, the coldness radiating from his actions made the warmth feel like a toxic fire that burned his heart, threatening to kill it.

taehyung was scared, so damn scared, for he could see the past repeating. jeongguk hiding things, saying those harsh words and treating him like this puzzle he didn't want to solve. jeongguk’s lack of communication was really making taehyung feel alone in all of this. this was supposed to be their fight, not only his or jeongguk's.

“remember, gguk? years ago, we stood in the rain, when i told you how i liked men? you freaked out, told me to have sex with a woman. do you remember?”

how could jeongguk not remember that? it had been one of the worst nights of his life. he remembers all the times he hurt taehyung, a cruel reminder of how he had fucked up so many times. and right now, he might be doing just that. oh, does he ever learn?

when he just stared at taehyung, too ashamed to even say yes, taehyung spoke again. but at that moment, all jeongguk really wanted to do was wrap the shivering taehyung up and keep him warm, keep him away from all harm. it was hypocritical of him to think like that, he reckoned, when he was the reason taehyung had gone through hell, and was still going through it tragically.

“i feel like i'm back in time.” taehyung smiled painfully and it broke jeongguk's heart into pieces. “nothing… absolutely nothing has changed.”

jeongguk found himself shaking his head.

“love sucks, gguk… the love i took years to express sucks so hard.”

"because it's not reciprocated, not then, not now, and it will never be. isn't that right?”

“n-no… how could you say that…” jeongguk's eyes started to fill with hot tears. his lips quivered and his hands trembled as he reached out for taehyung. he tried to take a step forward, to be closer to the male but taehyung felt so far away.

“is it because i said all that back there? tae, please, now you know my parents… they… they are fucking evil. they forced me to say—”

“nobody forced you, jeongguk,”

nobody forced me.

that was true. now that jeongguk recalled, it was him who freaked out for absolutely no reason. really, now how could he explain this to taehyung without revealing anything? without letting the man know just how fucked up he was?

“i understand you're scared, but that doesn't give you any right to hurt me. i don't deserve to be hurt, do i?”

jeongguk's stomach churned in agony as he aggressively shook his head. of course taehyung didn't deserve to be hurt. he deserved all the love this world could offer.

“what's wrong with you? what exactly do i not know about you?” taehyung gritted out over the rain, the coldness of the weather leaving his skin pale.

“tae, please get in the car. you're gonna get sick.” he tried to grab taehyung's wrist, but the male stepped back.

“no seriously, what am i missing here? how come the man i've grown up with feels like a fucking stranger?”

jeongguk pierced his eyes at the male, the hurt blooming in his chest. “i'm not a stranger.”

“how the hell are you not?” taehyung stepped forward, accusing him further. “have we ever been friends?” jeongguk's eyes widened, but taehyung only continued, “have you ever even considered me a friend?”

jeongguk clenched his jaw, the tears rolling down his cheek along with the rain. this shouldn't hurt as bad as it was, after all, taehyung was saying all of it out of anger, he should understand but he couldn't. jeongguk couldn't comprehend how taehyung could ever go there? that was just a low blow.

“don't cross the line, taehyung.”

“fuck the line, jeongguk,” taehyung snarled, his eyes reddened. “was the friendship we treasured the most even real? after all, i hid my feelings, you hide your secrets."

"before a lover, you were my best friend,” taehyung's nose burned with tears, his heart so heavy. “but was i yours?”

jeongguk's heart sank, the world crashing down on him. was taehyung seriously questioning their friendship now?

“what the fuck are you asking me right now?” jeongguk’s voice was sharp, raw as he stepped closer. “after everything we’ve been through, you’re questioning our friendship now?”

“how could i not?” taehyung’s voice cracked, the pain he tried to suppress spilling out. “tell me, what am i supposed to believe in anymore? you? the you who doesn’t trust me enough to tell me anything? the you who makes me scared to love you?”

jeongguk flinched at the words, his lips parting to respond but unable to form a sentence in time.

“i heard you and your mother,” jeongguk froze, his entire body going rigid as if struck. taehyung caught the change, his lips curling into a bitter smirk. “i heard her clearly when she said you were just a child, that it was not your fault. what was that supposed to mean?”

“t-that… that was nothing—”

“exactly,” taehyung cut in, his laughter dry and humorless. “thanks for proving my point.” his hands trembled as he took a step back, putting some distance between them, though it barely eased the ache in his chest.

“years, jeongguk. so many fucking years gone and just now i’m finding out you’ve been through something so hellishly traumatic that it’s made you scared of loving me. and yet, apparently, i still don’t deserve to know a damn thing. how fucking awesome of you.”

jeongguk’s jaw clenched so tightly it was a wonder it didn’t break. his hands balled into fists by his sides, his nails biting into his palms from the devastation of realizing— he, in fact, can't save them.

not then.

not now.

not ever.

so he finally decided to let go.

“you know, tae,” jeongguk began, “you have this tendency…”

“this tendency of fucking us up.”

taehyung blinked, startled by the venom in his voice. “fucking us up?” he repeated, his own anger bubbling to the surface. so now he was fucking them up?

“yeah,” jeongguk snapped, his words a hiss. “hiding your feelings in the past, leaving me for five fucking years, agreeing to this dinner, and now…” he paused, his voice catching for a fraction of a second before he pressed forward.

“now wanting to know the real me.”

“t-the real you?” taehyung stammered, the crack in his voice from the weight of jeongguk’s words, of his expression— a mixture of anger, pain, and something else entirely— settled heavily on his chest. it hit him like a cruel revelation. so he really didn’t know jeongguk at all. maybe he never had. the thought alone tore him apart.

“the real me” he repeated. even though he knew he shouldn't. hiding is what he was best at, but for how long?

“the me who’s so much worse than the guy you think you’re dealing with.”

“the me who has done something so fucked up you’d be scared to even breathe the same air as me.”

he inched closer, appearing like a stranger taehyung had seen for years but not known. he figured that's exactly the perception he had of the male.

“my parents? evil?” jeongguk scoffed, “you're so naive.”

taehyung's breath hitched.

“oh tae, they are not evil. not my father, not my mother—not even my brother.”

jeongguk pointed at himself, taehyung's breath hitched in his throat, the cold numbing him on spot as he uttered, “i'm the only evil one. the hatred i’ve for my family and the homophobia i’ve grown— it has nothing to do with them.”

“if anything, they care for you.”

taehyung's lips parted in shock.

“they wanted to save you” jeongguk curled his finger, “save you from me”

“w-what are you saying…”

“because you don't know the real me, tae.” a tear rolled down jeongguk's cheek, “they do”

“they know what i have done.” jeongguk slowly inched even closer, his hand creeping up to cup taehyung's face. taehyung shuddered— for once, he was truly scared of jeongguk.

“but i didn't want you to know the truth,” jeongguk chuckled, tears rolling down his face. “but my brother is right. for how long will i hide?”

“step back, you're scaring me.” taehyung tried to push jeongguk back, but the man didn’t budge. he only tightened his hold, now breathing so close, eye to eye. jeongguk knew he needed to do this, needed to let taehyung know what he was really dealing with.

“why? you want to know everything, don’t you?”

“get off me!”

“no, you listen to me.” jeongguk pressed his forehead against taehyung's. the rain completely drenched them, yet the fire ignited from the closeness, from the intensity of this terrifying emotion, was enough to make them burn.

and the next words jeongguk spoke made taehyung's heart drop to his stomach, his eyes widening in pure horror.

“i…”

“i have killed someone, taehyung.”

“h-huh?”

“your gguk is a murderer.”

━━━━━━━━

less than 10 chapters left.
im not ready.