✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

kim taehyung, a man, in love with jeon jeongguk, another man, a man that he grew up together with, a man he spent his 24 years of life with- kim taehyung fell in love with jeon jeongguk, his childhood best friend.

from taehyung's perspective, his love was always unrequited. he knew he could never have jeongguk- because not only was jeongguk his lifelong best friend, but he was also homophobic, someone who has deep hatred for men who loved men.

yet taehyung did just that; he loved a man, falling for what was forbidden. he fell for jeongguk, knowing that having him was nothing more than a quixotic dream.

he knew he was doomed for, when instead of feeling casual, he felt a crazy burning desire to love jeongguk whenever the man was near. his heart would flutter, it would swell, it would fucking ache- ache from yearning constantly to hold jeongguk and love him, to give him all he had.

his heart, well it wasn't his anymore anyway. so he had given it away- his heart, his soul and his very existence on that random summer afternoon when jeongguk hugged him outside the school gates.

after that, taehyung knew for sure there was no coming back for him.

love is supposed to be beautiful; it should be a positive emotion, it should make your heart flutter. but taehyung learned the hard way that love, even though it can be beautiful, often embodies a dichotomy, tragically revealing its darker side in his case. loving jeongguk ruined him to bits. for he loved the man so much that he lost himself in the spiral of this love that bloomed within him.

love lost its meaning to taehyung. after not being reciprocated, plus being humiliated for even having such feelings for another man- taehyung learned that nothing about love was beautiful.

and so, he pushed and pushed it deep inside him. he knew his heart was bleeding, it was crying to love jeongguk, give the other all it has but taehyung? what could he possibly do when jeongguk declared he was not normal to love a man? what was he supposed to do when jeongguk discarded his sexuality as a disease?

that night when jeongguk took him to the hotel, casually making their 24 years of friendship into a cheap dirty hookup, taehyung felt something change within him that very moment. his love for jeongguk hadn't faded but he began to realize just how much he was letting jeongguk do as he pleased.

the male was hurting not only him but himself too by carrying on this way. mira's words had struck a chord with him back then; everything she said echoed painfully with the reality of the situation jeongguk had placed him in.

he wants to own you. he doesn't love you.

at that moment when jeongguk looked at him, telling him how he already belonged to him had made taehyung go, 'ah so she was right after all. jeongguk really doesn't love me, he just wants to own me.'

words could never convey the way taehyung felt when the realization struck him like a thunderclap. it shattered him completely; the reality of not being able to love jeongguk was unbearable. but poor taehyung, he was forced, pushed to the edge, to make that decision that night.

like a person who's been kicked out of his own house, taehyung was expelled from his own world- the world of jeongguk. what a sad reality it was to live in.

he left the hotel with tears streaming down his face, recalling how he had cried his heart out while stuffing his things into the suitcase. he hadn't forgotten to take the photo frame beside his bed, the one capturing an ephemeral moment of happiness shared with his former best friend he terribly fell in love with. he knew he should let go completely, starting off by abandoning jeongguk's belongings as the first step, but taehyung failed at that very first step.

he left seoul that very night, heading to his uncle's place. even though his uncle had been surprised, their close bond made it easy for taehyung to adjust to the new environment. it was dying hard at first, not only was taehyung thrown into a new place, he was suffering from a broken heart syndrome, before even getting to love jeongguk which was never going to happen, he was withering away. it took him a few months to contact yoongi and jimin, they had been surprised and taehyung knew if he let them know about how he misses jeongguk, they'd tell him not to.

so taehyung didn't tell a soul, how much it was tearing him apart not to see jeongguk. just one glimpse- that's all he wanted.

after all, taehyung knew jeongguk couldn't function well without him. he was needed in the other's life like oxygen. but never as a lover. it was complicated, it had always been complicated but with time, taehyung had accepted that some things are just not meant to be.

returning to seoul and landing such a high-paying job at oasis felt like a dream. by then, taehyung had perfected the art of pretending- so much so that sometimes he even frightened himself. he knew his friends didn't believe his facade most of the time, but humans adapt, don't they? even to the most uncomfortable situations, given time. his friends grew accustomed to his mask and so did taehyung.

but the only thing taehyung didn't get used to was the absence of jeongguk.

after putting on that fake smile on his face the whole day, when he would come back to an empty home. he would always look at himself in the mirror and try to smile then. but it was only at those times, taehyung couldn't pretend. he couldn't betray himself by putting on an act after a whole day of facade. instead he would tear up and some nights he'd cry his heart out, hugging his pillow as if he were holding jeongguk. oh, the memories of cuddling with jeongguk, feeling his smile against his skin haunted him, keeping him awake all night.

it felt as though half of his existence had been missing. he was hollow, empty but still breathing. life goes on; it went on for him too. so taehyung was sure the same thing happened for jeongguk too. that even though at first it hurt him like hell, he too would become resilient in the face of his absence, much better than him.

but taehyung had been terribly wrong. when he heard namjoon telling jeongguk had committed suicide taehyung's whole world had stopped. he knew he had to see jeongguk and apologize for ever assuming he would be alright without him.

after all, in some way, they were soul twins. like water and fire. they needed each other the most. so how dare he think jeongguk would be okay without him at all?

but then, when taehyung exploded and jeongguk began to express everything he felt- how he was grappling with his emotions and his perception of him- taehyung couldn't take it anymore.

really, how alike they were after all, both assuming the worst shit about each other. taehyung didn't want jeongguk to view him in that way any longer. accusing him of moving on and being happy without jeongguk was such a cruel allegation, and could he even blame jeongguk for feeling that way? not at all.

the force to let it all out got so damn painful that taehyung eventually cracked. he confessed, he finally confessed to jeon jeongguk, the man he had been in love with since high school and still was. it was fucked up, to say the words 'i love you' out loud.

taehyung was certain he was going to lose everything tonight after his confession. but the reaction he received was something entirely different. jeongguk was shaking his head, looking horrified by what he had said, muttering something under his breath that taehyung couldn't quite catch.

it left him conflicted- was confessing really such a terrible idea? how could he escape this cycle of hurt then? no matter what he did, it always seemed to bring pain to both him and jeongguk. why did the universe have to be so inequitable when it came to them?

he sat there, staring at jeongguk losing it. wondering, what was going to happen to them now. and as jeongguk muttered out,

"what have you done?"

the words echoed within him.

what had he done?

taehyung didn't know. he had not a single idea.

"what have i done, gguk?" he asked, his tone trembling with more sobs. he was so scared, he didn't want to lose jeongguk anymore. he wished for anything but that.

why hadn't he told jeongguk about his feelings sooner? would it have made any difference? and why did jeongguk look so horrified, as if his confession was impossible to take in? taehyung's mind spun with too many questions, his heart hammering in its cage. this conundrum of a situation he was put into was getting unbearable. he couldn't keep going like this if jeongguk didn't tell him what he actually felt about his confession.

even though he was definitely not expecting a positive answer, that was just a fantasy he could only dream of. but he wished wholeheartedly, his confession was not going to make him lose jeongguk for the second time. he won't be able to take it this time.

so he asked, more sternly this time, "what have i done jeongguk? tell me"

jeongguk stared at him with those wide tearful bambi eyes. unable to tear his gaze away from him, which made it harder for taehyung to not cry again. it was overwhelming as hell.

"i... tae... i-" jeongguk tried, ending up sighing as he ruffled his hair in sheer frustration. he stood up abruptly and taehyung mirrored, looking at him in uncertainty.

"why did you hide your feelings from me?" jeongguk exhaled, his tone strained.

"w-why?" taehyung's voice cracked with bitterness. "you're asking me that? seriously?" he turned his head away, tipping it back in a desperate attempt to keep his tears from falling, hoping they'd slip back into the ache building in his chest instead.

when he finally looked back at jeongguk again, his vision was blurry, but maybe that was a mercy. for he couldn't stand to see jeongguk's face clearly right now, the raw emotion pooling in those equally tear-filled eyes was too much for him to bear.

"jeongguk, you're homophobic. you couldn't even stand the sight of me in that gay bar! and you expected me to tell you about my feelings? for what? to ruin our friendship?"

"our friendship is already ruined!" jeongguk shot back as he stepped closer. "it was ruined the moment you left me. you didn't think about this friendship then, did you? maybe... maybe before you walked away, you could've given yourself a chance to speak... and maybe... even m-me"

taehyung blinked, a tear slipping down his cheek to clear his vision, revealing a regretful jeongguk standing right in front of him. what does he mean-

"i'm sorry... i know i have no right to blame you. i drove you away. i acted like a total asshole, and my beliefs... my sick, twisted beliefs about homosexuality must have terrified you." jeongguk exhaled shakily, lowering his head as he tried to steady his breath. "but tae," he whispered, voice strained, "i've told you so many times already, haven't i?"

he looked into taehyung's eyes, a soft smile tugging at his lips. "that you're different. you're not like the rest of the world. and whatever you want, all you have to do is say it... haven't i told you this before?"

taehyung's breath hitched in his throat. he could recall some words he heard from jeongguk in the past.

you know you always have to just say the words, what you want... just say it

what you want tae, i'm willing to do it all.

he didn't even know why he suddenly recalled those words so old; he should have forgotten them along with jeongguk, but he didn't. and that just heightened his apprehension. where was jeongguk going with this?

"if you had just told me about your feelings... all these years, you could have been with me instead," jeongguk said, biting his lower lip. "all this time we've suffered alone, we could have faced it together. we could have loved, cried, laughed- done everything together, tae. if only you had been brave enough, because you know i am not."

"since high school you were in love with me and just now you're having the courage to say it? you wasted all your time hurting alone, when we could have shared the pain?"

taehyung struggled to process everything he was hearing. he didn't know if jeongguk was saying all this out of overwhelming emotions or if he was taking his feelings too lightly.

because there was no way jeongguk felt the same as him, even in the slightest. so if jeongguk was being casual about what he was saying, taehyung would rather he say nothing at all.

"how could we share the pain gguk? when you don't even feel the same way?" taehyung choked out, "how could we have loved and suffered together? when you're disgusted by the idea of loving me?"

"who told you that crap?"

"mira did"

"mira?" then suddenly jeongguk recalled the time taehyung mentioned mira that night, accusing him of how he had loved and slept with her- it struck him hard. he was just remembering such an important detail.

"yes! you slept with her, told her you loved her, and then discarded her!" taehyung's voice rose, the pain evident in every word. "does 'i love you' even hold any value for you? you lied to me, said you hadn't done any of that with her- but you did! so how could i ever trust my feelings with you? even now... how can i believe that you're not lying?"

"she told you all that?"

"she did"

"and you believed?"

"why won't i?"

"you trusted her... more than me?"

taehyung's lips parted. shit, he didn't mean that- but perhaps he did. how could he not trust mira when jeongguk was acting just as she had described he would? however, he had tried his best to block out her words until the end. but how long could he run from the truth they held, echoing in his mind with each second that passed with jeongguk in that hotel room?

"you gave me no other choice but to trust her"

"you could've asked me, tae" jeongguk retorted, his tone laced with regrets and only regrets. "she was lying to you!"

"lying?"

"yes! i didn't sleep with her, fuck i never told her i love her. she was nothing to me, tae. why would you believe such nonsense?"

taehyung's eyes widened. mira was lying? but again, it wasn't that surprising she was. in fact, he always knew she was lying about a lot of things. however at the same time, there were so many things she said that was hard to avoid. such as,

"but she told me that when she asked you if you like me... you looked disgusted. you told her, i can be anything to you but not a lover. didn't you tell her that it was just as disgusting as loving any other man?"

jeongguk's jaw clenched. "i did not tell her all that." taehyung's eyes enlarged. that was a lie too?

"but yes, i did act like a bastard, told her that she was wrong to think that i like you. but, i didn't explicitly humiliate the idea"

"maybe that still doesn't make a difference. i did deny having feelings for you... to her and yoongi both"

"yoongi hyung asked you the same question?"

jeongguk nodded. "guess everyone could see it..."

taehyung's heart clenched. he couldn't believe what the other had just said. see what? he wanted to ask but jeongguk continued,

"and yes i still lied, to them, to you, to myself. what to do? i am just a big fucking liar" jeongguk took in a sharp breath, tears stinging the corners of his eyes. "i didn't want them to know what i actually felt for you... and maybe that's why i kept fucking things up by being a homophobe. i don't know tae... i truly don't know if i am actually homophobic. when i... i am like this"

standing there and hearing jeongguk utter such unbelievable words left taehyung frozen in place. was he dreaming? was jeongguk really saying he wasn't sure if he was actually homophobic?

to be pointed, taehyung had imagined jeongguk denying being homophobic in his fantasies before, so he couldn't shake the doubt that maybe he was imagining it right now as well, that the line between imagination and reality was blurry. even though he desperately hoped he wasn't.

"mira lied to you... but then again, maybe she wasn't so wrong. i did create this image of mine in front of everyone, even you. but still, you shouldn't have hidden your feelings from me. do you not know your jeonggukie, tae?"

jeongguk took taehyung's hand and guided it to cup his wet face. "do you really think i would have pushed you away? me? oh, tae, you're all i have. how many times do i have to tell you this?"

the tears that smudged on his palm reminded taehyung that no, this was real, the tears, the words and the man himself. jeongguk was actually confessing to not being what he portrayed himself as.

and really, how could taehyung forget that all jeongguk had was him? even if jeongguk had been prejudiced, perhaps he wouldn't have discarded him so brutally as he had imagined. maybe he would have accepted him, just because he was kim taehyung, jeon jeongguk's only one.

still, he couldn't shake the prickly sensation of having his feelings laid bare before jeongguk, it was new and it was uncomfortable in its own way. but taehyung couldn't help but let his guards crumble down when jeongguk covered his face with his hand and kissed it.

taehyung shivered, a tear rolling down when jeongguk shakily exhaled, his voice laced with remorse. "my tae... my tae loves me..."

"i'm sorry for hurting you and scaring you away... you've bottled up your feelings all this time while i've only hurt you. fuck... what have you done? no, what have i done? i've fucked it all up." he uncovered his face, letting taehyung's hand to intertwine with his as he locked his gaze onto taehyung's, desperation and regret swirling in his eyes.

"i'm sorry for being so complicated."

as if this was not enough, jeongguk continued even then, like he had so so so much to say. five years gone, both were pent up with all the untold truths.

"for me, we were always more than friends but less than..." jeongguk licked his lips, searching for the words to fill in the gap. but he trailed off for a while, switching his sentence.

"and if i have to be honest... that night when you left me, i had planned to tell you how i feel... i was going to tell you the truth. but you didn't let me, you were gone before i could begin to repent"

"a-and what's the truth?"

taehyung asked with a drumming heart. all his senses heightened, nervousness the most he felt at the moment. he wasn't sure if he could handle the truth, but he knew it was time to confront it; he couldn't run from it forever.

"that i..."

jeongguk halted, amidst all the overflowing emotions suddenly the words he had heard long ago echoed in his ears.

don't say it.
don't say it.
don't say it.

he broke out into sweating and his heart started abnormally racing. the images flashed in front of his eyes.

never tell him about your feelings, okay? this world is fucked up, jeongguk-ah, you won't ever have him. so don't dare trying.

he shook his head.

you're going to then? okay die then! he'll leave you to die! because your love is filthy! it's not normal love!

jeongguk covered his ears, shaking his head.

"gguk?"

taehyung's voice echoed to jeongguk, the world closing in. the voices inside his head got louder, the images flashing in rapid speed.

suddenly, jeongguk's throat tightened, a lump forming that made it hard to breathe. jeongguk's eyes widened in alarm as he instinctively covered his mouth and rushed inside. taehyung stood frozen for a moment, before he hurried after him.

taehyung watched as jeongguk rushed to the bathroom, his steps slowing in horror at the sight of him gripping the toilet seat, retching violently. no words came to taehyung's lips; he could only feel the ache in his heart as he witnessed jeongguk's gut-wrenching sounds fill the bathroom.

he has never seen jeongguk like this.

meanwhile, jeongguk squeezed his eyes shut, tears streaming down his cheeks as he continued to empty his stomach. he had barely eaten anything today- just some snacks here and there, along with some wine. yet his stomach twisted painfully, refusing to settle. despite the struggle, he couldn't stop retching. the voice in his head grew clearer and louder, echoing the words he had hoped never to hear again, every syllable cutting deeper than the last.

stop. stop. stop

he chanted in his head. for he couldn't continue being this pathetic in front of taehyung. he never wanted the man to see him in such a state to begin with.

jeongguk's heart was aching, knowing he failed to say those words. now taehyung was going to misunderstand him again, his taehyung was going to hurt believing he didn't love him and that the very thought of confessing was so revolting it made him sick. his grip on the toilet seat trembled, tightening involuntarily as his knuckles turned white.

tae will hate me now
he will hate me
fuck he will hate me-

then suddenly, a hand caressed over his shoulder, rubbing small circles jolting jeongguk out of his trance.

"it's okay, gguk. i'm here" taehyung whispered into his ear, holding him close. not even caring he was practically kneeling to the toilet while he puked out everything.

jeongguk's shoulders started to shake as he began to cry again. this time taehyung didn't question it. he just stayed there, quiet but present.

the toilet resonated with jeongguk's choked gasps while taehyung lowered his head, stroking his back to comfort him.

how sad, how tragic.

jeongguk couldn't say it back, after all.

╸╸╸

"are you feeling alright?" taehyung asked when jeongguk finished washing his face, coming out of the bathroom.

the male looked at him for a second before averting his gaze, nodding.

"hey" taehyung called out softly. jeongguk looked back at him, the guilt imprinted over his facial expressions.

"i don't love you any less if that's what you're thinking right now"

that was the truth. even if jeongguk were to discard his feelings as some disease, something to be shunned or ashamed of- something he initially thought he would- taehyung would still be irrevocably in love. for this love was stubborn, it entwined with every beat of his heart, like veins and blood vessels carrying the meaning of his very being. it was practically a part of him now.

"why do you love a person like me anyway..." jeongguk exhaled, his tone terribly strained from all the retching.

"would you rather i don't?"

the question made jeongguk blink in surprise, his eyebrows knitting together. "n-no..." he stepped closer, until he was face to face with the other, gripping his elbow with urgency. "love me, tae. please love me"

"i love you, jeongguk. i do... and i know you love me too"

jeongguk's eyes widened.

taehyung smiled. "sometimes you don't have to say the words aloud. eyes are more than enough"

oh how true it was. eyes convey what the mouth can't. it was equally sad, though. jeongguk's eyes told the real story, yet his mouth couldn't even convey half of it. it stayed shut while allowing his eyes to reveal everything. how tragic it is to be in a conflict with your own body? taehyung could at least express his feelings aloud now, but for jeongguk, maybe it was still not that easy.

but that didn't mean jeongguk didn't feel the slightest bit the same. jeongguk was ready to let him go just for his own happiness. it took him time to understand that he couldn't own him, but he made the effort to grasp that truth in the end, and where does that understanding come from? from love.

moreover, jeongguk's intense desire to be near him definitely wasn't that of a friend. taehyung always knew that their friendship was rather strange, unusual. how they never acted like friends but something more intimate than that. so now, after confessing and witnessing jeongguk's positive reaction to it, taehyung felt reassured in his feelings.

also, jeongguk said himself about facing it all together. that if he had only confessed earlier jeongguk would have never let him go. now if that's not love then what would taehyung call it?

perhaps there was more to it than just him simply being homophobic. really, jeongguk having such strong loathing for queer people when he himself felt these romantic feelings for him, a man as well, definitely implied something. even though taehyung has known jeongguk all his life, they practically grew up together which made him think what on earth really happened to him that he grew such strong homophobia.

this wasn't something taehyung was aware of until jeongguk had once said harsh things about yoongi years ago. it was pretty shocking to know about this unsettling fact for the first time.

but guess, mira was right about one thing. you can't know a person entirely when you don't even know yourself properly at times.

there had to be something that has made jeongguk like this, that even saying those three words was so hard for him. but for now, taehyung won't pressurize him into anything. at least he knows, his feelings weren't completely invalidated.

"you don't even have to love me back even though i know you do. that's not why i confessed." taehyung grabbed jeongguk's hand that was holding his elbow, bringing it closer to his chest. "i confessed because i want you to know that what you think about me is not true. without you, i'm not happy. just the way you aren't"

he pulled jeongguk's arm, drawing him in closer until their foreheads touched. taehyung blinked his eyes, a smile spreading across his face. "i'm just glad to know you don't hate me for having these feelings for you. if anything, you might feel the same."

"i d-do... i do feel the same..." jeongguk breathed out almost instantly like he wanted taehyung to know. his heart hammering inside its cage. taehyung was so close, his hot breath fanning over his face. it put his raging mind at peace.

"then why is it so hard to say those three words, gguk? what is scaring you?"

jeongguk fell quiet again.

that just confirmed more of taehyung's suspicions. something definitely happened with him, but what? when? how? too many questions. he decided to lay them low for now.

"it's okay. you don't have to tell me yet. but just know, i'm scared. i'm scared i'm going to lose you again... so can you promise me, no matter what happens, you'll be here with me?"

jeongguk again raised his head, his gaze soft and lips lifting up in a comforting smile, it was subtle but it was there. like this question was so much easier to answer than the previous one.

"home is wherever you are. so where else would i go?"

taehyung smiled brightly, his expressions softening. jeongguk's eyes twinkled at the sight of that smile up so close. it had been so long since he watched taehyung smile so carefreely around him. after all that crying and hurting, it was refreshing to see that smile; it gave him hope that there was still a way to resurrect their broken hearts.

but jeongguk is a little too crazy for that smile, for the man in front of him. so it was tremendously hard to handle the closeness and that pretty smile he's so crazy for. and so, jeongguk stepped in closer, breath to breath their noses nudged together and then with one small inclination, jeongguk lazily pressed his lips against taehyung's.

taehyung froze, feeling a rush of warmth flood through him. jeongguk's lips were as soft as his state right now- fragile and needful. taehyung noticed jeongguk's eyes closing and then he felt the subtle shift as jeongguk tilted his head to the left, exposing the sharp line of his jaw. though taehyung couldn't see it, he could sense the slight rotation of jeongguk's body, moving closer.

a shiver ran down taehyung's spine as jeongguk gripped his waist, pulling him closer until their bodies pressed together. it felt like a rush of electricity, clouding all of taehyung's senses because of how surreal it felt to be kissing jeongguk- not out of pain, not out of proving a point, they kissed like lovers this time.

soon taehyung was kissing back, matching the softness of jeongguk's lips with his own. he felt the tension ripple through him each time jeongguk brushed his fingers over his waist, rubbing gentle circles that sent heat through his body. unsure where to place his hands, he settled for cupping the male's face, feeling the warmth of his skin beneath his palms. then he opened his mouth, letting jeongguk's tongue slip into his hot cavern.

taehyung could already feel himself out of breath by how desperately jeongguk was claiming the inside of his mouth, like he was trying to swallow him in whole. it was hard to keep up with the other's pace but that didn't mean taehyung wasn't getting stimulated by everything jeongguk did.

it sent shivers down his spine as jeongguk suddenly stepped forward, causing him to instinctively step back. in the meantime, jeongguk removed his blazer and taehyung mirrored his action clumsily. they walked until the bed frame pressed against the back of his legs.

then jeongguk hovered over him completely, making him fall on the bed with jeongguk still eating out his mouth. "mmhm gguk-" taehyung swallowed his own words as jeongguk grunted, kissing him harder.

it was almost like jeongguk was trying to shut all his thoughts down, the voices and the flashbacks. he just wanted to be in the present, with taehyung.

"i'll be your lover, tae. if only you let me... i'll give you the world, baby"

holy shit.

taehyung's body took a screenshot from the mere nickname. this was the very first time jeongguk ever called him baby and boy, did it feel pleasant to the ears?

it was even more different knowing that jeongguk said it not in that platonic way. perhaps he was never platonic with his flirting, he would have to ask the male. but maybe not now, jeongguk was not mentally prepared for something like that.

he was still new to loving him in this light. mainly why taehyung didn't mind jeongguk saying i love you back. for the man had said and done enough to prove what he truly felt for him.

three words can't define everything they feel anyway.

jeongguk didn't want to lose taehyung and taehyung didn't want to lose jeongguk. so didn't that mean they both wanted each other? that was enough certainty for now.

taehyung wrapped his arms around jeongguk's neck, smudging their lips together while smiling ear to ear. he could only nod his head in response. that was enough, jeongguk slid his hands under taehyung's inner thighs and held him close to carry him closer to the pillows, making him lay down properly, kissing him all the while.

gasping for air, they separated their mouths. jeongguk looked down at taehyung panting, his eyes dilated, lips swollen and glistening with spit, hair sprawled all over the pillow. his dress shirt wrinkled and messy unlike before.

"you're so beautiful" jeongguk breathed out in admiration, his finger hesitating but slowly tracing along taehyung's cheekbone. "so pretty, so handsome, so mine"

"yours?" taehyung muttered.

"mine." jeongguk gulped, "you're mine, right tae?"

"if only you're mine too" taehyung rasped out, eyes appearing so big and hopeful.

jeongguk lowered his head, rubbing his nose against taehyung's, his breath warm over those heart shaped lips. "i'm all yours, baby. take all of me; don't leave even a piece of me for myself."

taehyung pressed his finger against jeongguk's lips to hush him, a playful smile breaking through. "gosh... have you always been this mouthy?" jeongguk smirked against taehyung's finger, his eyes glinting with mischief.

"mhm... haven't you noticed yet?"

no space for disagreement. falling for this man was hard, more so, when he is always saying stuff that would flutter one's heart. taehyung was a victim!

removing his finger, taehyung sprawled his hands above his head, looking up at jeongguk fondly. jeongguk met his gaze, his doe bambi eyes reflecting an equal fondness. slowly, small smiles broke out on their faces.

"can't believe i have you like this right now" taehyung sighed dreamily, too surprising even for himself to say these words.

when he ended everything between them five years ago, he was certain he would never see jeongguk again, let alone find himself this close, all in each other's personal space. it was hard to believe, even as he felt jeongguk's weight pressing down on him, trapping him beneath, the warmth of his breath and the steady thrum of his heartbeat making the closeness all the more real. it still felt like a dream.

"so can't i... i thought i lost you for good" jeongguk tilted his head, gazing closely, "or is this a dream? am i dreaming, tae?"

it was absolutely bizarre how they had such similar questions. both suffered under assumptions about each other and both cannot fathom this happening- as if they were two sides of the same coin.

it got taehyung thinking, had he ever really known jeongguk like he had claimed to in the past? or did he misread all the signs? he didn't want to waste time stressing over the spilled milk. after all, when jeongguk is in front of him, the world fades away.

"if this is a dream, let's not wake up" taehyung wrapped his arms around jeongguk's neck, encouraging him to lean down until their foreheads rested together again.

in this moment, it felt almost unbelievable, yet they made it real through their touches as they found themselves cupping each other's faces again, their lips sleepily falling together as if it were the most natural thing in the world, as if they had been doing it all along.

however, kissing didn't feel enough.

honestly, it was never enough. back at the hotel room five years ago, or when they shared a kiss so rough and so not out of love here in this very penthouse just a few days ago, it was never enough after pulling their lips back.

there was so much more they both wanted to do to each other that it felt downright ridiculous, especially considering they had mentally agreed that even kissing was off-limits. the idea of them kissing and then moving on to something more seemed impossible to both taehyung and jeongguk in their own ways. but now, in this moment, it didn't feel impossible at all- kissing simply wasn't enough, and they were both acutely aware of it.

however, neither of them tried to voice their desires; instead, their actions spoke for them. jeongguk slowly trailed his hand down to rest beneath taehyung's thigh, lifting it to nestle his knee between the other's legs. there had never been much space between them but right now, with nearly all their feelings laid bare, it felt different. each touch burned with need- it was safe to say, they had never experienced this before. and so, taehyung couldn't help but let out a soft whimper at the shift in movement.

noticing him, jeongguk felt himself gulp as his hand resting on taehyung's thigh tensed against the smooth fabric of his pants. taehyung looked damn tempting in his neat dress shirt and tailored trousers, making jeongguk realize they were still entirely dressed and he somehow didn't like the lack of skinships because of the clothes. he wanted to feel taehyung's bare thigh, his bare soft skin against his fingertips.

but jeongguk just didn't know how to say it. it wasn't like taehyung was saying something either.

as if his hands couldn't keep supporting him above taehyung, jeongguk abruptly laid down on top of him, hissing slightly as their groins aligned. he nestled his head in the curve of taehyung's neck, taking in his scent.

the scent that usually calms him down seemed to be doing the exact opposite. taehyung's musk scent was actually driving jeongguk wild. and so, he rubbed his nose against the other's skin, taking more of it, like he wanted to arouse himself from taehyung's smell alone.

the aforementioned male gripped jeongguk's broad shoulders, not knowing what else to do with his hands. he didn't want to push jeongguk away, over the time he has come to realize jeongguk likes to take in his scent, sniffing him like a pet dog or something. it's cute at times but right now it was anything but cute- it was arousing him.

"jeonggukie..." he breathed out.

"yeah?" he raised his head a little to peer at the male who looked at him with half lidded eyes- and fuck, why did taehyung have to look at him like that? he was just simply looking at him but even the way taehyung stared at him was driving jeongguk crazy.

"you're heavy..." that wasn't what taehyung wanted to say but the words escaped him having jeongguk look at him with such hunger in those eyes. it left him thoughtless. because all of this? it was too much to take in.

"ah... sorry" jeongguk was not sorry; the grin on his lips said it all. taehyung watched as jeongguk slowly shifted, dragging his body down to lay beside him, his form angled toward taehyung's sprawled-out figure.

jeongguk draped one leg over taehyung's, pressing his crotch against taehyung's hip. taehyung's instinctive reaction should have been to gasp, to stare at jeongguk in shock, or perhaps move away. but what he did instead surprised even himself.

taehyung bit his lower lip, slowly turning his body to put his back to jeongguk. he didn't know why he did that, the only thing he was resulting by doing this was-

jeongguk dragged himself closer, now pressing his clothed bulge against taehyung's ass.

the said male closed his eyes, covering his mouth with his hand to not let any sound out. jeongguk smirked, bringing his face closer to taehyung's back of head, only to whisper, "i'm hard, tae"

of course he was. taehyung knew- felt it very well.

"do something baby" jeongguk breathed out, slowly grinding himself against taehyung's ass. "please"

taehyung was used to jeongguk's begging, the man did it more than a couple of times already but this time, this begging? it was different, it was sexy, it was fucking arousing him.

taehyung wanted jeongguk to beg some more.

so he stayed silent, feeling the other's hard on against his ass, the friction was making his own cock hard. even breathing became laborious with jeongguk firmly pressed behind him, like there was no space in this whole king sized bed, like if he moved even an inch back he would fall off the bed. their bodies became one at this point and taehyung wasn't sure for how long he could hold it in.

"jeonggukie... don't rub it like that" he said after the aforementioned male started to get even rougher with his dry humping.

it was only driving him to the edge of the cliff, from where if he fell, there was no coming back. but you know what, that's bullshit. taehyung already knew he had fallen into this pit of desiring jeongguk in the most filthy way. his dreams that kept him awake at nights, all the fantasies he had hopelessly created just to live them in his head was blurring the line of reality to him right now. he wasn't even drunk so he couldn't blame it on the alcohol once he crossed this line.

"why not? are you uncomfortable? sorry, i- i don't mean to..." jeongguk babbled, attempting to shift his lower body away but taehyung unconsciously mirrored his movement, dragging his ass back to keep it pressed against jeongguk's erection.

completely taken aback, jeongguk stared at the back of taehyung's head, eyes sparkling with something intense. taehyung mumbled softly, almost whimpering in need, "it... it makes me horny"

there was no way jeongguk misheard him. the silence of the room and him being so close to the other made every sound so sharp and clear. like the loud heartbeats he heard that he couldn't decipher if it was his or taehyung's. there was just no way he misheard those words.

it made one corner of his lip break into a smirk, his breathing slowing down just to vibrate those words from his very vocal cord in a lower register, "now does it, baby?"

jeongguk grabbed taehyung's waist and slid his erection along his asscheeks. it made a small gasp that was terribly similar to a moan tumble out of the said man's lips.

that.was.it.

jeongguk sat up at the speed of light. taehyung slowly turned his head to look up at him. jeongguk noticed the half lidded eyes staring at him in sheer need, saw those full plump lips parted like he was taking breaths from his mouth instead.

"fuck" jeongguk cursed and then before taehyung knew, jeongguk grabbed his wrists, pulling him upright. taehyung's chest lifted first, his head following, momentarily dipping before he raised it, meeting jeongguk's keen gaze. with a slight roll of his shoulders, he steadied himself, still loosely held in the other's grasp. both now sitting, face to face.

slowly jeongguk broke the eye contact and trailed his eyes lower to settle them on taehyung's crotch area, noticing the slight bulge, it seemed to harden his own length. he eventually looked up at his face again, the clear intensity of lust glistening in taehyung's eyes, reflecting his own.

at a time like this, jeongguk realized just how mutual both their emotions are sometimes. although jeongguk didn't think he was as devoted to his love like taehyung who was devoted to the point of abandoning his love for five years and perhaps the rest of his life, while it took him this long to just realize sacrificing his own feelings was the actual way to prove his love. he still thinks his love wasn't as pure as taehyung's, if anything it's tainted and dirty.

but at least they want the same thing, they want each other. wasn't that wonderful?

"i'm asking you, tae, because you know i can't do this all on my own anymore. do you want me?"

taehyung nodded almost instantly, "i want you"

"i want you too, i want you so fucking much" jeongguk scooted closer, sitting crossed legs just like taehyung, their knees touching. jeongguk placed his hands on either side of his body and leaned closer, pecking the other's lips. "want you so bad" he muttered, softly- needily.

taehyung blinked at him, in a daze. finding all of this so surreal. he raised his hand to caress jeongguk's face, the man leaned to his touch, closing his eyes and breathing softly like one touch from him relaxed jeongguk a lot.

"you won't regret this, will you?" taehyung asked.

jeongguk opened his eyes and looked at him, taken aback. he slowly held taehyung's hand and sat upright, "why would you ask that?"

"i... i don't know. i told you, i'm scared, gguk. i don't wanna lose you."

jeongguk firmly gripped the other's hand, his tone a lot stronger this time, like he was so confident. "you won't ever lose me, tae. never again baby"

"you promise?"

"promises are meaningless, tae."

jeongguk meant it and taehyung couldn't help but agree. they both recalled how they have broken several promises in the past, like they are just words and nothing else, they really aren't. so the value of this thing called promise, it has sort of lost its meaning to jeongguk and by mentioning it, taehyung acknowledged the same. promises are shit.

"let me show you my actions this time instead, okay?" jeongguk licked his lips, his gaze earnest. "give me some time. i'll prove my love to you, and i know it's hard to trust me right now, especially since i couldn't even say those three words... but i promise, i will do better, tae. i will be so good to you."

taehyung studied him intently for a few seconds, causing tension to coil in jeongguk's stomach. maybe he still couldn't trust him, which was completely understandable- jeongguk had given him no reason to. especially after failing to say those three words back, he couldn't blame taehyung for hesitating.

however, then the same taehyung broke into giggles. jeongguk watched him, dumbfounded.

"i'm sorry, it's just..." taehyung giggled some more, looking at jeongguk fondly, smiling so bright that it relaxed the other from its mere radiance. "are you really the same jeongguk that first came in oasis?"

jeongguk tilted his head in confusion, taehyung chuckled further.

"remember how just a few days ago you called me nothing but kim? made me come to you at your beck and call, treating me like you couldn't stand me?" taehyung's tone was light, and though he didn't mean to taunt jeongguk, it was simply the reality of their situation. jeongguk had been so rough with him lately that it felt surreal to be treated with such tenderness now. ironically, jeongguk had always shown him this softness and love in the past, but the last few days had been so harsh that taehyung couldn't help but point it out, finding a bit of humor in the absurdity of it all.

but jeongguk didn't find it humorous. instead the weight of his actions hit him and he felt his facial expression fall, shoulders slumping as well. "i'm sorry, tae... i was such an asshole to treat you like that. i had lost my goddamn mind." he recalled all the times he had made taehyung cry, a heaviness settling in his chest. "shit, i'm so sorry-"

"hey hey" taehyung drew the other's attention who raised his head again, looking very guilty. "it's okay, i understand why you acted like that. after all, i played along, didn't i? called you jeon and all..." taehyung looked around in a thoughtful manner, deciding to be a little more honest,

"honestly it was hot."

"hot?"

taehyung nodded, feeling flustered. "you were really rough with me... it was hot. aside from all the whole past stuff, the hatred, the blaming, and the toxicity- you calling me kim and, you know... m-manhandling me? ah, what am i even saying..." he shyly averted his gaze, shaking his head while smiling awkwardly, the warmth of embarrassment creeping up his cheeks.

jeongguk blinked his eyes, processing taehyung's words. "you liked being manhandled?"

taehyung didn't look back, he was so damn flustered.

"do you want me to be rough?"

jeongguk watched how taehyung's adam's apple bobbed up and down- he was gulping. it brought a very dangerous smirk on jeongguk's lips.

taehyung heard jeongguk shuffling, then he felt the man's hands dipping beside his bent knees, which made taehyung look back. his breath hitched in his throat when he noticed jeongguk again hovering over him, he looked up, flustered all the way to his neck, his eyes sparkling under the dim light. it just made jeongguk grow more daring.

"i can be a little rough on you, kim. do you however you want me to do you"

taehyung watched jeongguk lean over him, causing him to lean back on his hands, staring up at him with a moony look in his eyes. taehyung played along because fuck, this was hot.

"you'll do me?"

"yeah. i've done you in my dreams plenty of times already."

"y-you dreamed of us fucking?"

"no, i dreamt of us making love" jeongguk breathed heavily, like this close proximity was blowing his mind away. "i made love to you in my dreams so many times that you'd be concerned"

"m-me too" jeongguk's eyes widened hearing taehyung. "you did?" taehyung nodded dreamily, like he was going to moan if jeongguk so much as even touched him. he was that sensitive right now.

jeongguk's eyes darkened. "all this time, we wanted the same thing? fucking hell" he sneered, his lips brushing over taehyung's nose. he peered down at the flustered man in pure need- need to be inside him, right this instance.

"oh kim, look at you, escaping your desires but falling right back in" jeongguk chuckled lowly, it vibrated taehyung's spine, making his length hardening in his pants.

"but really, you thought you escaped me didn't you? running away before we could finish what we started. now that's not so nice of you, kim taehyung"

taehyung understood why jeongguk was speaking this way, his voice low and intense as he used his surname just like before. jeongguk knew he liked it, that he craved his roughness- oh yes, he did crave it, to the point where it made his pants tighten uncomfortably. he played along, going all out this time because fuck being rational.

"oh please, you make it sound like you're desperate for me, jeon jeongguk"

the aforementioned male widened his eyes, a dark chuckle escaping his lips as he tilted his head, teasingly poking the inside of his cheek with his tongue. he has never been this hard before, it was paining him now, in a very sensitive way.

"but you already know, i am. i've always been one desperate motherfucker for you"

desperate on a level from where he couldn't come back anymore if he didn't get his hands on taehyung this time and thankfully taehyung also agreed, there was no coming back after all.

"haah... say, want to finish what we started now, jeon?"

jeongguk leaned down towards taehyung's mouth, the smirk stretching in teasing.

"oh, gladly darling"

their lips melted together, softly and urgently before it turned steamy soon enough. tongues all in each other's mouth while jeongguk worked his hand down to unbutton his shirt, taehyung then helped removing the undone shirt off jeongguk's body, letting the male's muscles flex while getting rid of it. doing the same with taehyung's, they bared out their chests before jeongguk grabbed taehyung by the waist, lifting him up which made the male gasp before jeongguk settled him down on his lap.

a gasp tumbled out of taehyung's lips that jeongguk soon enough claimed while kneading taehyung's ass in his hands, taking it all like it was his to begin with. taehyung kissed back as desperately, tilting his head and cupping jeongguk's sharp jaw and nape, pulling on the hair strands whenever jeongguk tried to swallow him down completely.

"easy there, monster" taehyung pulled on jeongguk's hair harder this time, making the man arch his head back, staring at him with half lidded eyes. those bambi eyes that always looked innocent and sparkly were now dark and piercing. the duality made taehyung's grip over the male's hair tense.

"easy okay?" he asked again and jeongguk slowly blinked in agreement. however, the moment he let go of his hair, jeongguk jumped right back in kissing him, this time harder if possible. but again, nothing about this man was easy, taehyung reckoned.

and how could he even blame him? he liked it a little rough too.

jeongguk's urgency was a lot to take in. his hold over his ass was menacing, kneading the cheeks while making out with him as intensely was making taehyung go feral. in response, taehyung kissed back just as fiercely, grinding down on jeongguk's clothed erection.

their bodies moved in such a perfect sync that it ridiculously enough reminded both of them how since childhood, they had always been in tune with one another- despite their different interests, their reactions to everything had always been surprisingly similar.

how aligned their emotions were for each other since the beginning- really, how could they have ignored all the signs? that just how perfect they are for each other.

after they pulled back from the kiss with a wet pop sound, a string of saliva still attached to their mouths, they just breathed into each other. chests heaving up and down, hair all a mess and lips swollen pink with spit.

slowly and lazily jeongguk stared down at their pressed clothed groins. the clothes that separated them were irritating jeongguk. taehyung should be all naked, so that he could touch every inch of the man without any barrier. for he didn't want any barrier between them anymore. he had enough of them.

taehyung followed jeongguk's gaze, whispering out his exact thoughts, "wanna get naked?"

"yes please"

"just so you know, i have the same thing between my legs like you"

"and?"

"that doesn't turn you off?"

"it turns me on, tae" jeongguk caressed taehyung's ass softly, looking at him in a daze.

he knew why taehyung was asking such questions, he was still not sure. how could he, when all this time jeongguk has acted like a homophobe? but right now he was anything but that. right now he was all taehyung's, but again, he always belonged to taehyung anyway, willingly so. he wanted taehyung to know that too.

"it turns me on because it's you. every part of you gets me acting like a madman, baby" jeongguk pressed their bare chests together, their heartbeats colliding together in rhythm.

"you're one horny bunny," jeongguk chuckled all teeth, as if proud to hear that.

"only for you, darling"

they stared at each other for a few seconds before jeongguk blinked, asking carefully, "so... wanna do it?"

taehyung nodded slowly, still maintaining eye contact.

taking the cue, jeongguk's hand started working their way to undo his pants.

but just then,

the doorbell rang.

their ears perked up, their gazes snapping at the door of the bedroom.

shit. someone was here.

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