✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

"is tae gonna be okay?" jimin sighed for the nth time, gripping the wine glass while pacing back and forth, the others watching him, equally worried.

"what was even that" seokjin looked at namjoon, eyebrows furrowed together. he wasn't precisely angry but there was a clear discomfort in his expression. suicide- it was a heavy subject and none of them had ever imagined they'd be having a conversation that even came close to it at a party.

namjoon looked at seokjin and shrugged in defeat. "it's fucked up but it's true"

"yeah no shit sherlock, jeongguk is fucked up we know but he... god why would he... try to do that?" jimin set the wine glass on the counter, his gaze shifting between hoseok and namjoon.

even though the said males had known about this from before, they looked just as concerned as the others which was surprising, really- both jimin and seokjin despised jeongguk for everything he had done to taehyung so they never thought they'd ever be concerned for the male themselves. but maybe as true as their own words- they don't know a thing about jeongguk so who were they to really judge? and now, hearing such news, concern and sympathy was natural to rise inevitably.

"well maybe love makes you that crazy?" hoseok started, gaining everyone's attention. "don't tell me, i'm the only one who thinks that... erm... that jeongguk likes taehyung?"

everyone stared at him without blinking. hoseok looked at them, flustered. "w-what?"

after a brief pause- though not actual silence, as the ballroom buzzed with the people's chattering and soft music playing in the background, jimin started, "is that even a question" he rolled his eyes somewhere else. "he likes tae... on an unhealthy level actually and that's probably why i don't like him. love shouldn't be unhealthy."

"i agree. i don't even know that guy enough to make assumptions but from what i've heard, he probably feels something for taehyung. but again as jimin said, it's not healthy, borderlines on obsession if you'd ask me" seokjin added.

"yeah i mean jeongguk would do anything for taehyung. that's actually scary, you know? a love so lethal, it burns them both" namjoon spoke with a slight calculation to his tone.

they all nodded, finding it amusing how all of their answers were somewhat aligning; that really said a lot about how jeongguk and taehyung's relationship has been perceived by the world, by themselves despite their obliviousness. so, if either of them ever tried to deny it, it would be, at the very least, laughable to the rest.

because if that look in their eyes was not a sign of love then what is love after all?

"like? aren't boss and that handsome guy dating?" everyone turned their attention to fiona. she spoke in english but the thing was, they were speaking in korean.

"you understand korean?" namjoon blinked in surprise.

"nope but i know the word 'joahae', it means like, right?" namjoon nodded. fiona tilted her head, "so they aren't dating?" she asked, recalling that night she saw them together in jeongguk's penthouse, on a dinner date apparently.

namjoon softly scoffed and shrugged, "who knows"

"but then again..." jimin began, his fists clenching tightly as he recalled all the moments taehyung had hit rock bottom. those dark days when he lost his sense of time, lost touch with the world- when his friend was nothing but an empty shell, barely holding on to life.

"how's that love? hurting the one you have feelings for... that's not love. jeongguk hurt tae to the point where he had no choice but to leave. god, i have seen him, what he went through because of that man. so do we really have a say in it? calling whatever this... love?"

they stared at jimin, speechless. really, that question made them think, whether what jeongguk truly feels for taehyung is exactly love or perhaps, obsession, or something completely else.

"who are we to judge?"

everyone turned their head to the speaker, yoongi. he finally spoke out. standing up from his leaning posture against the counter, he looked at jimin then turned his gaze to everyone else. "what do we know about jeongguk? nothing. so let's not be the judge to his feelings"

"yoongi, you can't be the one saying this." jimin rasped out, "you saw what taehyung went through for all these years-"

"and? it was needed. the pain, the guilt, the regret, the separation- taehyung needed to experience all those, just like jeongguk"

jimin sneered bitterly, "yeah? what did it change about that man?"

yoongi subtly smiled for the first time, catching jimin off guard. the conversation he had with jeongguk a while ago making him say,

"everything"

"jeongguk!"

taehyung's knees wobbled on the spot, eyesight so blurry he swore he could have deluded himself into thinking there was no one.

but every inch of jeongguk's figure was etched in every fiber of his mind.

the said male turned his head, eyes slightly widening after seeing taehyung standing there, holding the door for dear life like he would collapse if there was nothing to hold onto.

"tae?" jeongguk breathed out, the smoke of the cigarette coming out of his lips along the way.

not able to hear jeongguk speak, taehyung seemed to not hold back anymore. his weak legs moved, they rushed to reach the other. the fear of losing jeongguk right at that moment was making it hard for him to function properly.

"why the fuck are you leaning over the railing?!" taehyung bellowed, grabbing jeongguk's arm when he reached for the male.

jeongguk was starlet, the cigarette slipping from his fingers when taehyung grabbed him so abruptly. he tripped on his foot but safely stepped away from the edge.

"t-tae?" he muttered hesitantly, watching as taehyung stood there, staring at him with tear-filled eyes. one or two tears rolled down his cheeks as he took in shaky breaths, his lips pressed into a thin, trembling line.

seeing how terrified he looked, jeongguk found himself tensing. "hey... i'm okay-"

"w-why would y-you... b-bend your b-body over the r-railing like t-that?" his voice cracked excessively.

"i... i was just-"

"i t-told you to st-stay the fu-fuck away from the e-edge. so w-why did y-you?" taehyung relentlessly asked, his tone kept breaking with each syllable.

jeongguk's eyebrows furrowed together in concern, he tried to reach out for taehyung but the male flinched away. he took his hand back, looking hesitant and conflicted.

"i'm sorry."

taehyung looked away before closing his eyes, covering his mouth with his hand. jeongguk noticed his hand was shaking uncontrollably, saw those tears streaming down his face.

the sight broke jeongguk's heart.

so he couldn't help but step closer this time even though he promised himself he wouldn't ever do that again. his tone softer as he spoke, "i'm sorry tae... please calm down"

"w-what were y-you thinking" taehyung gulped, struggling to steady his voice, but god, he was terrified. the thought of losing jeongguk felt like a death sentence for himself, making him feel such intense fear that he had never experienced before- he never wanted to feel this way again.

"i was just smoking. the view... it's beautiful so i was just looking down" jeongguk kept the part that he was thinking of ways to do something reckless that would make taehyung care for him to himself. however, jumping down a 23 fucking storied building was definitely not one of them. but maybe his thoughts had ensnared him so badly that he hadn't noticed how much he had bent against the railing. it was dangerous, yes but seeing taehyung scared shitless because of it made jeongguk rethink his choices.

if doing something stupid was going to get taehyung react like this, then maybe it's better that he doesn't do anything stupid even at the slightest. for the sight of taehyung sobbing hysterically and trembling on the spot because of it was utterly agonizing.

turning his gaze toward jeongguk, taehyung's voice was laced with raw anger and pain as he screamed in his face.

"s-so beautiful right? dying a meaningless death. is t-that what you want, jeongguk?" his lips trembled as the words left him. the said man's eyes widened at the sudden outburst, but taehyung wasn't finished.

"h-how much more pain will you cause me?" taehyung grabbed jeongguk's collar and shook him in place.

"i-"

"at this point, j-just kill me if that gives you peace! but don't, just d-don't... don't...fuck don't please" taehyung took in the sight of jeongguk, his eyes lingering on his face for a few moments before his hands slid down jeongguk's body. then abruptly, he collapsed to his knees while gut wrenching sobs vibrated through him.

jeongguk's own eyes filled with tears as he slowly gazed down at taehyung, the man he saw smiling just a while ago now crying his heart out. the sight was baffling him, making him question if taehyung was here to begin with or his mind had plunged into the depths of misery, imagining him caring for him like this. but no, taehyung's touch was searing, his gut-wrenching sobs and the violent shaking of his own collar- all of it was painfully real.

he dropped to his knees similarly and slowly cupped taehyung's face in his cold hands. licking his lips, jeongguk tried not to cry. because fucking hell, seeing taehyung cry like this was a dagger through the heart, perhaps even worse than that.

"i'm sorry tae... please forgive me. i won't ever do something reckless like that, please calm down, please tae"

taehyung sniffled, he looked into jeongguk's equally tearful eyes, "but you already did"

"what do you mean?"

taehyung let out another choked sob, finding it hard to say it aloud. for he didn't even want to summon the thought of something like that happening ever again.

"y-you... you have already tried committing s-suicide."

the silence shouldn't have been this gnawing, but it clawed at taehyung's mind and heart simultaneously. he watched as jeongguk's eyes widened, yet a single word didn't come out of his lips.

so namjoon wasn't lying after all- but taehyung wished he did. he wished that namjoon used it as a means to patch things up between them. ridiculously enough he tried to believe anything but that. however, seeing jeongguk's silence, it twisted his heart further. it was true, shit jeongguk really tried killing himself.

"so how can i trust you won't try it again? what if i had not arrived? what if you slipped and fe- god..." taehyung closed his eyes, pushing jeongguk's hands that were cupping his face away.

"what if you were gone?"

jeongguk's tear-filled eyes, unblinking, locked onto taehyung. then, with a voice trembling in its fragility, he uttered something that shattered taehyung into a million pieces.

"why does it matter? isn't it better if i'm gone?"

taehyung slapped jeongguk right across the face.

jeongguk faced the other way, eyes stoic yet brimming with unshed tears. taehyung yanked him back, gripping his collar tightly and pulling their faces dangerously close.

"say that again, bastard. i fucking dare you!" taehyung screamed into jeongguk's face, his own turning bright red from the force of his outburst. the pain in his eyes was overwhelming, it was blinding him.

"why! why! why!" taehyung shook jeongguk further, the male just stared at him, a tear rolling down from the violent shaking. "why did the thought even cross your mind!"

when taehyung ran out of energy to shake the male, he dropped his head on jeongguk's chest, crying and crying. he didn't even know why he couldn't stop crying. jeongguk was there, right in front of him. but he could have been gone- if that attempt had been successful, or if, even now, jeongguk had been just a little more careless and fallen to his death- oh no, no, the thought alone was killing taehyung.

"i'm here... i'm alive, tae" jeongguk rasped out.

his own words sounded so fake to him. he was alive, yet dead inside. how was that possible? and how could he make taehyung understand that? but again, he won't ever. he won't let the other know in what state he was, for taehyung didn't care. did he?

maybe namjoon or hoseok had told him about his attempt, and that's what made taehyung feel guilty. his friends must have painted him as someone pathetic, miserable, so taehyung had probably come here out of pity.

pity doesn't equal to love.

and jeongguk didn't want taehyung's pity. if attempting suicide was what finally brought him the other's attention, then wasn't that truly tragic? had he been reduced to nothing more than an object of pity in taehyung's eyes?

regardless, he still felt the need to assure the crying man that he was here, that he hadn't lost him yet even if he had lost taehyung already.

after all, jeongguk would always be waiting for taehyung.

but this time, he won't be vocal about it. he'll fade into the background and taehyung can catch up to him sometimes. but jeongguk doubted he would do that, after all, he must hate his presence.

however, after this, if out of pity is what taehyung would want to keep him, would that be really that bad? even if he didn't want the other's pity, if that's all he could get out of taehyung then maybe that's fine too. as long as taehyung won't discard him completely as nothing.

he watched as taehyung slowly sat upright, meeting his gaze. he saw those brown big eyes twinkling under the moonlight, tears glistening in them, his cheeks wet with tears, nose and lips swollen red from crying- taehyung still looked so devastatingly beautiful that jeongguk found it unfair to even stare at that face while thinking so low of whatever they have right now.

but that was the real question- what did they were now? with their 24 years of friendship shattered and reduced to dust, what was jeongguk left with?

perhaps, nothing.

the thought made jeongguk hang his head low, unable to meet taehyung's gaze. but then, taehyung's hand reached out, gently grasping jeongguk's chin, forcing him to look up and face him.

the tiredness in those tearful bambi eyes added to his pain. why won't this misery just end? why can't jeongguk be happy? is the universe really cruel enough to not give him any happiness at all?

if he could, he would give all the happiness he has in his lifetime to jeongguk, if only that could bring that pretty smile back to the other's lips, he'd do it in a heartbeat.

namjoon had been so right. jeongguk hadn't smiled at all in those years and taehyung could see it now, from the absence of that smile in just these past few days alone.

"you're alive..." taehyung repeated in a whisper. "are you really?"

jeongguk tried to nod but failed. he can't lie anymore. he wasn't good at pretending like taehyung, especially when the man himself was right in front of him. it just makes lying ten fold harder.

"i'm sorry"

to look into jeongguk's tearful eyes and say those words out loud was a nerve wrecking thing to do, but he did regardless.

then he grabbed jeongguk by shoulders, to feel most of him, to know he was really in front of him and not a fragment of his imagination before breathing out more of what he wanted to say,

"i have done you wrong, multiple times... i didn't know what i was doing was hurting you this bad... i don't even know what i should apologize for and what not." taehyung licked his lips, looking down for a second to compose himself before looking into jeongguk's eyes again.

"i'm sorry gguk"

those eyes seemed to widen hearing taehyung. that nickname he hasn't heard in five whole years, it felt foreign to his ears for just a split second before the nostalgia hit hard, like tremendously hard.

it made jeongguk remember that he once had all of taehyung.

the silence stretched between them as they locked eyes, both filled with tears, their heart racing in their chests.

but then jeongguk smiled, the corners of his lips cracking upwards in much difficulty.

taehyung for the first time in a while saw jeongguk smile. but that smile didn't even look half genuine.

before he knew, jeongguk pulled him in for a hug. shocked, taehyung sat there on the floor, letting the other's arms envelope him into a warm embrace. jeongguk rested his chin on taehyung's shoulder, holding him close.

"you have nothing to be sorry for. just be happy, yeah?"

"what...what do you mean-"

"ssh, let me hug you in peace"

taehyung's heart started pounding and even though jeongguk was hugging him, it wasn't flattering. instead he was scared, he was scared shitless.

"g-gguk, hey you're scaring me" taehyung tried to push jeongguk back to see his face but the male held him so tightly that he couldn't fight back. the lack of response from the male made taehyung's breath quicken and soon enough he began to hyperventilate. frantically, he struggled to escape the other's grip, but his movements only caused jeongguk to tighten his hold even more.

"jeongguk, please, look at me. hey!"

"a hug... let me have it... please" jeongguk hid his face in taehyung's neck and as he did, taehyung felt the wetness on his skin. so with one hard yank, he pushed jeongguk back to see his face.

taehyung's heart shattered at the sight of tears streaming down jeongguk's face. his eyes were red, lips trembling, as hot drops continued to roll down his wet cheeks.

"gguk..."

jeongguk lowered his head, trying to wipe his eyes with the back of his hand but shit, the tears won't just stop.

"hey... jeongguk... god what's w-wrong with y-you..." taehyung choked out a sob, his hands trembling as he reached out to cup jeongguk's lowered head, gently wiping away the tears that streamed down his face.

"i... i d-didn't want to try killing myself" jeongguk exhaled, keeping his head down, unable to lift it.

he was ashamed- so damn ashamed to admit to such pitiful acts. he'd always thought of himself as strong, but-hah, he was anything but that. what he truly was, deep down, was a weak-hearted, broken man who didn't know how to exist without the person in front of him, the one who kept wiping away his tears.

"but it... it was getting too much... s-shit i couldn't handle it at that time"

taehyung's hands came to a halt from wiping jeongguk's face. they slowly retreated back while he gazed at the other who was crying and speaking at the same time.

"it... it wasn't entirely because of you, no... in fact, it had nothing to do with you so don't you dare blame yourself... it's not your fault that i'm like this..."

jeongguk clarified, then slowly lifted his head to meet taehyung's equally red, tear-filled eyes. he flinched slightly, seeing the way taehyung was looking at him. it was comforting to have him there while he broke down, yet at the same time, jeongguk hated showing himself in such a fragile state.

but then again, he'd already exposed his vulnerable side to the other so many times. what harm could one more time do?

"you don't have to apologize for choosing yourself. i hurt you a lot, i was probably sucking the dear life out of you, wasn't i?" jeongguk sniffled, wiping his tears over and over. "you left me, yet look- i forced my way back into your life, even though you want n-nothing to do with me... how pathetic of me."

taehyung shook his head slowly. that wasn't true, that was the farthest thing from the truth- seeing jeongguk again was painful at first but such a huge relief at the same time. for the first time in five years, taehyung had felt alive when he laid eyes on jeongguk. though he had tried to deny it all this time, he couldn't anymore, not when jeongguk harbored such thoughts.

"it was stupid of me to still hold onto you... force you to stay? how can i force you to stay, tae? what bullshit was i even spewing?"

"why are you saying such things?" taehyung asked, his tone laden with guilt. not only had he neglected his own heart all those years but he had also neglected jeongguk even worse. he could barely comprehend to which extent he neglected the man that he was reacting like this.

"why?" jeongguk repeated the question, chuckling painfully. "because i'm realizing what i've done and said. it's so fucking childish tae... you're not a toy that i would make mine. you're your own person and i tried to own you... n-no wonder you hate me"

"i don't hate you" taehyung said out louder than he intended.

"you do... remember you have told me yourself"

and taehyung was brought back to the day jeongguk had first come to the penthouse, asking him if they wanted to be lovers, the answer taehyung gave echoed in his ears.

"lovers? i fucking hate you, jeon. the idea of us ever having something like love makes me want to puke!"

how could he forget that he had said something so untrue, so harsh to jeongguk? but at the time, what else could he have said when jeongguk questioned their past bond? he had been so overwhelmed in that moment, desperate to escape the situation and saying those words had felt like the only way out.

but he didn't want jeongguk to have that misconception anymore. at that time, he had said that to push him away for his well being but by now taehyung has realized, if he pushes jeongguk away any further he'll end up losing him for real.

so he shook his head more prominently this time. "i d-didn't mean that, trust me gguk"

"y-you told me, i'm poison to you" before taehyung could oppose that, he continued, "you said... you left me because you had no other choices, that i lost you myself"

taehyung's lips parted, recalling his words. jeongguk chuckled bitterly seeing his reaction, the ache in his heart worsening as all that the male ever said to him came back to him.

"you told me yourself... you don't regret leaving me. so why are you changing your words now?"

"do i regret it? i don't. not even a bit. i have told you in that voice message didn't i? you became too toxic for me, i had to lose you to save myself from this toxicity"

taehyung's lips parted to say something but he couldn't. he said those words, yes, loud and clear he said them to jeongguk but god knows, he had meant not even a single word. but the guilt thickened, thickened until it became a big chunk of heavy unpleasant guilt that rested in his heart.

"i remember, every word of that voice message you left me five years ago. it still echoes in my ears, tae. how could all of that be a lie?"

"and how do i even blame you?" jeongguk choked out, pointing a trembling finger at himself. "i made your life a living hell. all the things i said in the past, and even in the present- i never changed. it's because i thought i could always make you stay, that you'd always love me unconditionally, just like the best friend you were to me for 24 whole years. but you're only human, tae. you could only take so much from me before you finally broke down."

"your words, i took it all in thinking i could bear the sight of you hating me than the sight of you not being here at all. but i was so fucking wrong. i figured... you... you are better off without me. no, actually i always knew that but i realized that seeing you doing well, should be enough for me too"

and then, jeongguk forced himself to stand up, his feet wobbling but he did regardless, taehyung stared up at him with tearful eyes, not believing what he was hearing.

jeongguk looked down and forced a smile, "doohyun... i'm sure he'll make you happy"

taehyung blinked in shock, "doohyun?"

jeongguk looked away, wiping the rest of his tears while taehyung slowly stood up himself, staring at the male's side profile because he was again not looking at him. "jeongguk. look at me"

he didn't.

"jeon jeongguk, i said look at me"

he slowly turned his head to meet taehyung's gaze.

"where did doohyun come in all this?"

"you're asking me that?"

"yes, i'm asking you that. so answer me" taehyung's tone was clearly offended. he couldn't imagine in a million years that jeongguk would still bring doohyun into this.

"i overheard your conversation with doohyun a few days ago..." jeongguk confessed, wiping his nose before looking away again.

taehyung recalled minhee mentioning that jeongguk had gone looking for him a few days ago. could it be...

"did you hear me say i was going to go over to his place?"

jeongguk sneered. "i just happened to overhear; it was rather insolent of me to eavesdrop on your private conversations. i apologize." hearing him, taehyung facepalmed himself in frustration before groaning.

he met jeongguk's swollen eyes again, "and that's why you ignored me like i didn't exist at all?"

as if triggered, jeongguk stepped closer, "so what else was i supposed to do? keep shamelessly harassing you when you have finally moved on from me? from us?" he smacked his own chest like he was accused of the wrong thing.

"i lost you, kim taehyung! you are not m-mine anymore! d-don't you want me to accept the truth?!"

"that's not the fucking truth!" taehyung stepped closer himself, yelling.

"doohyun and i don't have that kind of relationship! for fuck's sake he has a boyfriend!"

jeongguk closed his lips after hearing that. taehyung gritted his teeth together, "and even if he didn't, i would never date him."

"t-then... what was that conversation-"

"doohyun hyung is taking care of yeontan for me"

"yeontan? your dog?" jeongguk rasped out in disbelief.

taehyung nodded, finding it foolishly hard to believe that jeongguk had distanced himself without understanding the context. he began to explain, "my mom and dad are staying at my aunt's place for some work, so there's been no one to take care of yeontan back home. i brought him to seoul but i haven't had much time for him myself. jimin, yoongi hyung, and seokjin hyung are all busy too. i couldn't just leave yeontan with anyone, so i had to ask doohyun hyung. even though he's a busy man himself, he lives with his sister, who could take care of yeontan, so he agreed to look after him. that's all... i was going to his place to see yeontan."

"so he doesn't have feelings for you? or maybe you..." jeongguk trailed off remembering that night five years ago how taehyung said he'd rather prefer to be fucked by doohyun than be anywhere near him. the flashbacks are bitter and maybe that's why he was having such a hard time believing the male.

"did you not hear me? doohyun hyung has his boyfriend he loves so much and i..." taehyung glanced at jeongguk.

oh no, the feelings buried within-

"i never liked him in that way to begin with" he looked away, "so you can stop assuming shit. there's nothing between us"

and taehyung thinks he was pretty clear with his explanation. there shouldn't be any space for more doubts or misunderstandings. it was absurd for jeongguk to even think that he would ever come to love anyone else.

but again, he had never let jeongguk know who he actually loved, leaving all this unnecessary space for him to assume and hurt himself. there was no blaming him.

but jeongguk, even after all this, he shook his head.

taehyung furrowed his eyebrows. "i'm telling the truth-"

"i know you do" and jeongguk shook his head again, "but so what? that doesn't change all that you said. you kim taehyung hate me and if it's not doohyun, then it will be somebody else"

all the unnecessary space for jeongguk to assume. so taehyung stood there, listening to all the man had to say, or more accurately, everything he had assumed.

"and yes, it shouldn't bother me like it does. but i can't help it. whenever i saw you with that doohyun, it drove me crazy... even when you were with yoongi or jimin, i hated it. they are your goddamn friends who probably made you happy, far more than i ever did. but see i didn't fucking care about what you were comfortable with, i only thought of me... you know why?"

"because i had no one but you, ask me now and i'll still say the same thing. i care only about you, the rest of the world can go to hell, i don't fucking care... it was just you for me. and it's a choice i made for myself back when we were little fucking kids, but maybe now i can't change my choice even if i wanted to... now i'm stuck in the past, the nostalgia of what we once had, it fucking haunts me in my dreams!"

jeongguk hysterically looked around, like he was trying to find words while tears streamed down his face hungrily.

"you left me but i couldn't move on. i saw everyone going on with their lives while i stood right where you left me, thinking what the fuck's wrong with me? why can't i do the same thing?"

"i knew something was wrong with me and trust me, tae... i tried my best. i tried to make friends or date, sleep around- i tried to laugh away the pain but every time i laughed i bursted into tears, grieving for what i lost."

jeongguk had no intention of sharing more of his miserable story from the past five years; he had already revealed enough, and none of it had won taehyung's love back. yet, the words tumbled from his lips uncontrollably, as if a dam had burst, spilling forth everything he had tried to hold inside.

"ultimately i stopped laughing and smiling altogether because it reminded me of the times i smiled and laughed with you, it reminded me i don't deserve to be happy after i lost you. it was devastating for me... i saw our friendship, the only thing i treasured getting buried by my own fucking hands! and there was... nothing i could do"

jeongguk rubbed his eyes in a futile attempt to stem the flow of tears but they continued to spill, just as the words did. it was as if pouring his heart out might somehow heal the wounds that ran deep, though he doubted it would ever be enough. after all, except taehyung, nothing could ever truly heal him.

"then i saw you again after five years... i can't begin to describe what i felt the moment i saw your face in the crowd. it was like a dream- so surreal that i thought i had imagined it. but when i touched your face, it all came flooding back: the pain, the madness, the love. i was reminded of everything you meant to me. all the emotions i had buried deep within me suddenly erupted, overwhelming me like i'd explode"

"so i couldn't control myself and said, did things that you hated yet again. i'm sorry for that... but i just wanted you back in my life so badly that it made me lose my mind."

jeongguk stepped closer and taehyung stared at him with those same wide brown eyes. the wind enveloped their bodies, a cold embrace that should have calmed the raging storm within them, yet it did nothing as the mere presence of one another drove them to the brink.

as jeongguk took in the sight of taehyung's face, he smiled painfully. his world stood right in front of him but he was scared to reach out any further than this. this much closeness was all he could allow himself of.

then his voice softened, as if he was whispering the words meant only for taehyung, imperceptible even to the wind.

"yeah, i could have let you go, tae. but what would have happened to me then? you have so many people around you who love you, and you who love them back. but me? i'm loved by none, not even you. so what was i supposed to do if not cling to you like a desperate, unloved idiot?"

taehyung's heart broke hearing those words, and who knows, if he'll ever recover from these words that left jeongguk's lips. if he'll ever recover from the hurt he gave to jeongguk, the one he loves the most in the world, that very person was falling apart and he let him, because of his own fucked up decisions.

"but now... i've decided," jeongguk breathed out, pausing for a few seconds to compose himself.

"i'll let you go..."

"it sounds ridiculous, i know, especially after everything i've said, which probably makes you feel even more guilty. but please don't. this is a decision that's probably best for me, too. because amidst all the realizations, i came to understand one more thing."

jeongguk continued smiling even though his heart was breaking apart, "i can't hurt the only person i treasure; it would hurt me just as deeply."

"what do you mean by everything?" jimin asked, finding that smile on yoongi's face confusing, what part of this conversation made him content enough to smile?

for yoongi, the question made him recall what jeongguk said to him.

when yoongi had seen jeongguk from afar, he hadn't taken much time to approach him. jimin and seokjin had called out his name in confusion, seeing him walk to the group of people he wasn't supposed to even look at.

then he had stood right in front of jeongguk, who had looked at him with a slight twitch of his eyebrow before turning his head away, hinting that he didn't want to associate with him at all. that had been pretty understandable; yoongi was the only person who could point out things about him that jeongguk didn't appreciate. he didn't like being transparent, like a child who had his entire life bared out in front of the older.

but yoongi had been stubborn. he had spoken first, calling out jeongguk's name, which had brought attention to his friends but still not to him.

so yoongi had grabbed his hand and dragged him to a corner so no one could hear what they were talking about. jeongguk had been startled, glaring at the older and asking him what the fuck his problem was. yoongi hadn't minded his tone; he had been pretty nonchalant, and that had pissed off jeongguk like usual.

without twisting things, yoongi had clearly asked one thing. "do you want taehyung back in your life?"

the question had been thrown at him out of nowhere, and jeongguk genuinely hadn't expected that, which had made him stare at the older with wide, surprised eyes. yoongi had repeated his question, and jeongguk looked away, thinking.

before yoongi could ask for the third time, jeongguk finally gave his answer. "i do, but i won't"

yoongi had been puzzled by the answer. the younger spoke again, "he is happier without me and his happiness is a greater priority than the urge to force him to stay in my life."

"so you'll let him go?" yoongi had asked and even though the nonchalance in his voice pissed off jeongguk quite a lot, this time he hadn't mind it. instead it made him nod, "i'll let him go."

that's all they had talked about. which he now told everyone about.

"i think it's pretty clear that taehyung means a fucking lot to jeongguk. yet he's ready to leave him because he believes that taehyung doesn't want him around anymore. he's willing to let go of taehyung to ensure his happiness, even if it means sacrificing his own. honestly... if i were in the same situation and leaving jimin was the only way to make him happier, i'd do the same."

"no, you won't" jimin said out instantly, a hint of fear in his tone and gaze.

yoongi chuckled, "you're even terrified by the mere idea, and if i'm being honest, the thought makes my insides churn in fear too. then just think about jeongguk, he's doing it for real. i think that tells a lot about him."

jimin parted his lips, left speechless. seokjin, namjoon, hoseok and even fiona, they all stood in silence.

sacrificing your own happiness for your loved one, even if it ruins you. now that's real love.

"so i'll let you go and don't worry, i will try to move on too. i just... i just need to give this a lot of time."

"move on?" taehyung breathed out. "you'll move on, jeongguk?"

"yeah... you did. i can too... can't i tae?"

"i moved on?" taehyung's throat trembled with agonizing sobs as he pointed a finger at himself, his brows knitting together in sheer hurt. "i moved on?" he repeated.

"haven't you?" jeongguk smiled sadly. "you have all these people around you, and i've witnessed it myself. the staff, your friends, even the guests- everyone adores you. you're so loved, tae. i've seen your beautiful smiles and heard your laughter. you're thriving without me... so it finally made me realize that, i was robbing you of that happiness."

"my heart feels so full when i see you smile, but it hurts like hell when i see your tears or pain. you're always crying and hurting because of m-me. i've come to realize that i don't want that at all," jeongguk shook his head, his trembling lips barely suppressing the sobs.

"i'll always treasure what we had, and i hope you'll do too. we have grown up together after all, it's hard to forget so many memories, plus it was beautiful wasn't it? i think it was... and it might sound selfish of me, but can you try not forgetting me entirely? give me a little space in your heart and i'll do the same. just a tiny bit for our friendship, we can let it live in that tiny corner of our hearts for as long as we breathe. yeah?"

"i don't want..." taehyung breathed out.

jeongguk's heart sank. he lowered his head in shame and nodded. of course if he keeps the memories in check, how would he move on freely? really what was he thinking-

"i don't want you to move on" taehyung added and jeongguk raised his head, blinking in surprise.

"w-why not-"

"because i love you goddammit!"

taehyung screamed out those words so loud which he didn't even need to since jeongguk was standing right in front of him, but he felt the need to make every single word that he uttered to register in jeongguk's brain.

he didn't want to hear any of the bullshit he said any longer. the thought of jeongguk forgetting him, it was what he wanted at first but when he heard the male say it aloud, taehyung realized just to what extent he hated hearing those words.

forget and move on?

fuck that.

he hadn't moved on in five years, not even an inch. he was still where he was five years ago, deeply and miserably in love with jeon jeongguk.

so with each passing second, as jeongguk poured his heart out, the pain in taehyung's chest swelled, but along with it, the feelings he had buried deep within began to resurface.

they overpowered him like they had in the past and for the first time, taehyung felt truly alive. his neglected heart was finally reclaiming its power, and this time, he would let it.

"w-what?"

"i said i love you, jeon jeongguk"

"y-you don't... you are just saying that to-"

before jeongguk could finish his nonsense of a sentence, taehyung grabbed him by his collar and then,

crashed their lips together.

giving jeongguk no time to speak or even breathe, taehyung cupped jeongguk's face and kissed him so hard that their tears all smudged together, tasting it on their lips. starlet, jeongguk choked on the kiss but didn't push away. how could he? he loved the taste of taehyung's lips so much it was borderline unhealthy.

then finally he kissed back. they kissed in utter desperation and vulnerability. their lips trembling as they savored each other's mouths, cupping one another's faces as if they had never kissed so good before.

a kiss of pain, a kiss of love.

then taehyung pulled back, opening his eyes to meet jeongguk's wide, glossy, bambi-like gaze. their breaths mingled, warm and rapid, fanning against each other's faces.

"i love you" taehyung whispered for only jeongguk to hear.

oh he finally said those words out loud.

"i love you so much, gguk" he choked the words out with a soft sob.

jeongguk's eyes widened, a tear rolling down his face.

"and it's not the type of love two friends share. nothing about my love is platonic like yours... my love... it's... it's the one you feel for a lover."

"yes, jeongguk, i'm in love with you"

taehyung sniffled, so scared yet so relieved to finally say these words to the one he never thought he would. he saw the shocked look on jeongguk's face which was expecting of. but what he didn't expect was jeongguk to start speaking so soon, he thought the man would take time in processing but he gulped, speaking.

"y-you said you hated even the idea of us being lovers... "

and taehyung remembered what he had said that night. but it was just to conceal what he actually felt for the man. it wasn't the truth, although he wished it could be. that he could be despising of the mere idea, maybe things wouldn't have gotten so complicated between them but he did love jeongguk, terribly so- and he knew, with every fiber of his being, that he always will.

taehyung shook his head, wiping his tears and gathering his words. he was scared to even say something slightly wrong, he wanted to speak just the truth right now.

"i lied... i lied to you all this time. because i... i was scared. i didn't want to complicate things further between us. i thought pushing you away was the only way it would hurt less"

"you... jeongguk you hate people like m-me. who foolishly falls in love with another man, d-don't you? so what was i supposed to do if not push you away? but before doing that, i tried my best to stop feeling what i feel for y-you. i really did my best but each time i saw you with mira, my heart broke... the one i love, l-loving someone else... what was i supposed to feel? but even then i swallowed all the hurt and pain. because i didn't want to lose you... lose us. you say our friendship was the only thing you had? yeah then what about me? have you ever thought that maybe it was the only thing i cared for too?" taehyung eyes squinted in pain from just thinking of all the accusations jeongguk put him in.

seeing the shocked look on the other's face, taehyung just chuckled, "y-yeah why would you? i pretended so fucking good, didn't i?" he stepped back, spreading his arms and displaying the fake smile he uses all the time to show the male he has mastered the art of pretense.

"the kim taehyung who fucked up his friendship with his childhood best friend, jeon jeongguk, five years ago, leaving behind the person he still loves, now living a luxurious life as the assistant manager of the prestigious hotel oasis! i have it all- friends, love, happiness. kim taehyung has it all!"

he lowered his hands, and the smile faded from his lips, "everyone thinks i'm doing well. my facade- everyone believed it... even you did and... that hurts, gguk" even if it shouldn't, taehyung knew he wanted one thing but acted like another.

well, that happens when your heart wants something and you don't give it what it wants. it leaves you stranded, alone to deal with everything you don't want to deal with at all.

"leaving you five years ago, it wasn't because i didn't care"

taehyung stepped closer, stepped until he was all in jeongguk's personal space like jeongguk usually does. the said male just watched with tearful eyes and parted lips, taehyung couldn't really tell if the fresh tears in his eyes were because jeongguk couldn't believe he felt such emotions for him or if what he was saying sounded like utter bullshit to him or- something completely else. regardless of the reason, taehyung couldn't bring himself to stop speaking. he had bottled up everything for far too long. enough was enough.

"i left you because i cared too much"

taehyung raised his hand, slightly trembling from feeling so overwhelmed but the moment he cupped jeongguk's face with it, he felt the wetness and warmth of the other's skin calm him in some way.

"i thought if i put the distance between us. you'll finally move on and find happiness instead of just wanting to own me, which was hurting us both"

taehyung recalled the words jeongguk had spoken that night in the hotel- oh their uncanny resemblance to mira's.

jeongguk just wants to possess you.

why would i want to own you? you already belong to me.

the parallel of those words had finally forced him to take such a cruel decision which doesn't feel like much of a wise decision to him anymore.

"i thought i'd finally be free of my feelings for you, that we both will finally be at peace after parting ways. i convinced myself that by leaving, i was sparing us both. but all i did was destroy myself... and i never realized just how much i was destroying you too."

"so you accusing me of moving on, being happy without you... it feels like knives in my chest. how could you say that gguk? when all this time, i've wanted nothing but to lo-love you... it's scary how much i loved you that it emptied me. now i've no love left for me. moving on, being happy, in love with someone else- it's something i can't even imagine anymore. you mean that much to me, jeon jeongguk"

taehyung took in a sharp breath, concluding his explanation, "so yes, i lied, about hating you, about everything practically... the truth is, i love you and i always will"

it took everything for taehyung to not fall to his knees from how weak and anxious he felt after letting it all out, or perhaps not. he had so much more inside that he would like to tell jeongguk.

after all, being in love with his childhood ex best friend of 24 years since middle school was not a short story. there was so much to unpack but at this point, he was grateful he said so much as it is. he never had imagined that one day he would confess to jeongguk anyway.

it was something he never planned to do, for taehyung had decided to take his feelings with him to his grave, not speak out about it to jeongguk in the penthouse of his workplace.

so he opted to keep his lips sealed for now. his chest was rising and falling rapidly from the weight of everything he had just blurted out. standing before jeongguk with his hands balled into fists, the fingernails digging painfully into his palms, taehyung could hear the thunderous beat of his heart echoing in his ears. the anxiety, nervousness, and fear of being so vulnerable in front of the man who stared at him with widened eyes and parted lips felt like a nerve-wracking storm, that he could cry again at the moment.

and from watching jeongguk, taehyung could only anticipate a few possible reactions once the man found his voice. anger, disgust, or perhaps the male would mock all the words he had just poured out. he steeled himself for whatever was about to come.

after all, jeongguk's potential response to his confession had been the very reason taehyung had buried his feelings for all these years. the pain, the love, the suffering, and the longing- all of it hidden away to avoid that very reaction. now, as he poured everything out, it felt surreal, and he couldn't fathom what jeongguk might be experiencing at this moment.

taehyung was scared. so damn scared.

he didn't want to lose jeongguk because of his feelings. but he had lost him the moment he left him five years ago. so did his confession really make a difference to jeongguk who misses him, as a friend, as a memory, as the ideal kim taehyung who was not even real?

first he saw jeongguk blinking, once, twice and thrice. he kept blinking and taehyung thought this was the end of it all. he watched as the male covered his mouth with his hand, shaking his head.

taehyung closed his eyes before lowering his head. he was ashamed of his own feelings, he always has been but now he was getting well aware of how hideous his feelings actually were.

he heard jeongguk mumble something, too inaudible so he raised his head. his breathing halted for a second upon seeing the fresh tears rolling down jeongguk's face who kept shaking his head like this was too much to take in.

"j-jeongguk..." he couldn't help but call out his name and step closer but jeongguk flinched back, eyes wide with horror.

taehyung's heart dropped.

uncovering his mouth, jeongguk pointed a finger at taehyung and then slowly at himself, "y-you were actually in love with me... all this time?"

from fear, tears blurred taehyung's vision who timidly nodded, feeling so small and so dirty under that shocked gaze.

"is t-this a j-joke?" jeongguk breathed out, his tone breaking with each word.

taehyung shook his head, he no longer could speak. he feared he spoke more than he should have.

he also wished it was a joke, a very bad one. but it wasn't, as absurd it was, kim taehyung was actually in love with jeon jeongguk, terribly so.

"n-no... it c-can't be..." jeongguk mumbled but loud enough for taehyung to hear, making him regret ever confessing.

really what did he think? jeongguk accepting his confession? for fuck's sake, what jeongguk felt for him was clearly not romantic love, their feelings for each other would never be mutual.

it just can't be.

before he could say anything, jeongguk fell to his knees.

taehyung's eyes widened as he knelt himself, hands reaching out to hold jeongguk's shoulders but he hesitated when he saw how those very shoulders were trembling. "jeongguk?" he breathed out, peering down to look at the male's face, seeing him just staring nowhere while tears streamed down his face.

upon sensing the other's gaze, jeongguk lifted his gaze to meet taehyung's eyes.

"you... y-you actually love me, r-romantically?"

"i d-do... i'm sorry..."

"since when?" taehyung didn't know where jeongguk was going with this but he felt the need to answer truthfully, no use beating around the bush now.

"high school..."

"o-oh... oh" jeongguk exhaled, staring at nowhere in particular while trying to take it all in but it seemed like he was actually having a very hard time processing what he was hearing.

"oh my god..." jeongguk sighed into his palms that covered his face before shaking his head again.

the place fell into silence for what felt like an eternity, though it had only been a minute or so. taehyung's heart thundered in his chest, each beat echoing with dread and anticipation that flooded him. anxiety crawled up his throat, tightening like a noose, making it hard to breathe.

"why..."

starlet upon having jeongguk's hand suddenly grab his, taehyung looked at the male who was looking at him, utterly devastated.

"why did you not tell me before?"

"h-huh?"

"i asked why you didn't tell me about your feelings before? taehyung... i..."

jeongguk looked like he was in pain. like this was taking a physical toll on him. he tightened his grip over taehyung's hand and breathed out,

"what have you done..."

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