✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

taehyung has always dreamt of jeongguk.

to hold him in his arms and express what he feels, or to cradle his face in his hands and kiss him all he wants, and even dare to dream of making love to him. as absurd as it seems, taehyung has actually dreamt to do all possible kinds of things with jeongguk that lovers do.

that what love makes you into. it changes the way you look at that person and what you feel for them. taehyung was also a victim of this strange emotion. it made him dream of love, dream of jeongguk.

but perhaps, there can be something even more absurd than his dreams. reality itself can be far more outlandish than anything he could ever imagine.

when taehyung first realized he had feelings for jeongguk in high school, he convinced himself that they would fade over time, dismissing them as nothing more than a trick of his hormones. yet, even when he eventually accepted that he was truly in love with jeongguk, he thought he could manage it. he believed he could bury those feelings deep within and that everything would remain unchanged between them.

reality however is very cruel. it fucked up his plans, his emotions and the friendship he had with jeongguk. reality fucked it all up.

"yeah mom... i'm okay. don't worry, i'm heading home now. mhm, goodnight. take care" taehyung cut the call and looked out of the window again. the silence inside the car was oppressive, broken only by the faint hum of the engine. the world outside blurred, city night reminding him of how busy the world was yet he remained on the same spot of his life. stuck in love, in misery.

jeongguk sat beside him, who was equally silent as him- or perhaps painfully more. taehyung could see the reflection of his face in the glass- a ghostly image, distant and unreachable. he could see how the male's dark eyes were fixed on the passing scenery, but his expression gave nothing away. there was absolutely no comfort in his presence.

they sat as far apart as possible in their seats, the oppressive silence in the car weighing down on them. the unfamiliar roads slipped by, taehyung couldn't recognize a single one. where were they headed? how had things spiraled into this? there were no answers to those ugly questions.

he covered the lower part of his face with his hand, closing his eyes as what happened just a while ago flooded back in his head.

"will you let me fuck you, tae?"

the words hung in the air, sharp and cutting, yet somehow distant- like a distant echo that taehyung refused to believe he heard. no, he must've misheard that. absolutely in no way would jeongguk say something like that. not in a million years, not even in his messed up dreams.

he knew he wasn't in his dreams right now, that he couldn't wake up from this nightmare because he had felt every word and action of jeongguk to his core till now. but the words he just heard? they don't feel real, not at all. and so, taehyung asked in a shaky voice.

"what did you just say?"

now he would get the assurance that he actually heard it wrong-

"i said, will you... let me... fuck you" jeongguk took pauses in between just to make it clear to taehyung that he indeed said what the male heard.

taehyung couldn't blink, couldn't say a word, actually they refused to form as the repetition of those words seemed to echo within his brain.

upon seeing the male's silence, jeongguk licked his lips and added, "do you not hear me clearly? i said-"

*slap*

a harsh and strong slap landed on jeongguk's face.

it echoed, registering the sound and sting of slapping the male in his head. he actually slapped jeongguk and oh god, taehyung has never hit jeongguk before.

the aforementioned male faced the other way, his eyes turned wide but then a bitter smirk curled his lips as he slowly raised his head again, meeting taehyung's cold stare.

"that hurt, tae"

"o-oh? did it get your head back on track though?"

"no." jeongguk chuckled, a dry and humorless chuckle. it ripped apart taehyung's heart. "come on, let me fuck you, tae"

it was the first time when jeongguk inched closer, taehyung felt uncomfortable. the man in front of him had the same face, body, voice and presence as jeongguk yet he didn't feel like one. did he damage jeongguk to this point of madness? he tried to question himself despite everything.

until, jeongguk spoke again.

"so that you'll realize, what you feel for men are nothing but a mere curiosity that will fade the moment i'll shove my cock up your ass"

taehyung struggled to believe what he was hearing from jeongguk. still regardless of everything, it made sense to him. to change something as intrinsic as his sexuality, jeongguk was going to such lengths which was not justified at all yet disturbingly enough, taehyung understood where jeongguk came from and perhaps that was messing his head up further.

jeongguk will ruin their friendship just so he will not be gay?

is this all their friendship worth? if so, then maybe he can also cross the line. you know, join in ruining things entirely.

"if it'll take your cock up my ass to convince you that i like men, then fine. fuck me, jeongguk. fuck me to your heart's content and find out, just h-how much i l-like it"

the words felt like venom against taehyung's tongue. he didn't even know how could he say something so fucked up. this man right in front of him was his best friend of 24 years. and even though, there had been numerous times he had dreams of getting intimate with jeongguk, those were just fragments of his imagination. but this? this is reality, the ugly reality where he once crosses the line there'll be no coming back.

but taehyung, he really tried his best to understand jeongguk. to always justify whatever the male did. from constantly invading his personal space to degrading his sexuality. he hurt his friends, hurt doohyun and he'll continue hurting the people around him. jeongguk might be everything taehyung will ever ask for, but his everything might make the world around him a lonely miserable mess. could he really afford that?

maybe yes, if only jeongguk at least loved him back.

but he won't. jeongguk will never love him like that.

so why would he fight against the world for someone who was not even his to begin with?

even after all this, jeongguk looked at him blankly, like he felt nothing. did he really not? since when he became so heartless?

oh how right mira actually was. taehyung never really knew jeongguk.

it took a few seconds for jeongguk to respond. the response was grabbing taehyung's wrist once again as he started walking down the street.

"where are you taking me?" taehyung couldn't keep up with the other's fast and desperate steps.

"you'll know" jeongguk hailed a cab and opened the door, releasing the man's wrist so he could get in. taehyung had trusted jeongguk until now, but his faith was shattered. now he couldn't trust the man at all. but the anger blinded him, making him get inside.

taehyung opened his eyes. the car ride was so maddeningly silent that he was certain even the slightest sound, like sniffing to hold back tears, would be audible to both the driver and jeongguk. he didn't want that, so he surpassed it all by keeping his mouth covered with the back of his hand, gazing out of the window.

he didn't know where they were going or what exactly was going to happen. jeongguk fucking him? that sounded so ridiculous taehyung could laugh. because first of all, he didn't want to fuck jeongguk. he wanted to make love to him, like lovers, like it'll mean something, anything.

secondly, he didn't want to cross that line, it'll leave nothing of their friendship he has treasured to the point of sacrificing his feelings. how could he lose it all from a mere mistake like this? he was restless and scared, but above all, he was furious. the anger was so intense that he wished he could beat jeongguk until he came to his senses. but he knew they had moved beyond that stage.

at this point, was there any friendship between them to begin with? because, in what world does a friend fucks their friend platonically? no one do. but they will.

then, there'll be nothing left.

taehyung tried shutting his head down but the thoughts consumed him. his anger was strong but so was his self conscience. he should stop. at least this way he could salvage whatever that was left of their bond.

that was what he thought until the car suddenly came to a halt. jeongguk immediately got out, leaving taehyung to look up at their destination. at the sight of where they came, his heart sank so low that the heartache was nearly unbearable.

as jeongguk opened the door for him to get down, he slowly did, still looking up at the building.

a hotel.

what the fuck is this?

"let's go" jeongguk walked past him to enter the hotel and taehyung just couldn't understand what was going on.

not even his own place. but a hotel. so this is how cheap their friendship is to him?

taehyung didn't even know how after that he followed jeongguk, slow steps dragging him through the entrance. it wasn't a cheap, dirty hotel. actually the hotel looked very grand and expensive but it was a hotel regardless.

understandable, jeongguk must not have wanted to be seen with him like that at his own place. this was going to be just their little dirty secret.

taking a deep breath, taehyung followed jeongguk as he spoke to the receptionist, received the key, and glanced back to ensure taehyung was still with him. it was ridiculous but he complied, and they headed into the elevator together.

they stood as far apart as possible, like strangers who had never met. not the friends that practically grew up together- inseparable and unbreakable. not the friends that saw each other's all up and downs yet stuck together, facing whatever that came their way. like they were not the absolute best friends who meant the world to each other.

this burned on a level taehyung wasn't familiar with. he was going to sleep with the man he loves, it was one of his wildest dreams, so maybe he could just enjoy it? oh if things were that simple. because what after this? after this, they'll lose their friendship, the bond and the love they held for each other. they'll become nothing. not friends, not lovers- absolutely nothing.

was jeongguk really okay with all that? taehyung wondered as he watched the back of jeongguk's head who stepped out of the elevator and walked ahead without even glancing back at him.

taehyung's heart was getting twisted knowing this really meant nothing to jeongguk. as long he'll get him to admit he doesn't like men; that's all it will matter to the male. he'll go to lengths of even fucking him despite being homophobic, and for what? just to mold him into whatever he wishes. while taehyung? he suffered in his feelings all this time just to save their friendship.

the door clicked open and taehyung's heart slowed down as jeongguk pushed the door open, stepping in and finally looking at him. the first time in a while, their gazes locked and taehyung should have looked away. because now looking into those same bambi eyes that held no emotions like they always do, those eyes that appeared so lifeless and so unbothered left him miserable. he should have taken a step back and then walked out of there, but he didn't. taehyung foolishly stepped inside the room and then closed the door behind him, watching jeongguk turn his back to him while stepping inside the room.

"a hotel? well aren't you a pro?" taehyung bit on his lower lip, eyes on jeongguk's back. "a pro fuckboy"

a low chuckle erupted from jeongguk as he turned to face him. standing at a distance with his hands shoved into the pockets of his cargo pants, his dark greenish-gray shirt had a few buttons undone, revealing enough skin to distract taehyung.

"that's rich, coming from you. considering you've left nothing to my imagination with the way you're dressed." jeongguk's gaze burned as it roamed over taehyung's body.

the short, light cheetah-print shirt he wore had slipped off one shoulder and the sleeveless white tank top underneath the shirt dipped low, exposing sharp collarbones and flushed skin, too much skin- more than jeongguk could handle. the black high waisted pants were tight, showing that ass like taehyung was wanting to show it. seems like he even made the afford to look more sexy with that beaded necklace, accentuating those sharp collarbones.

oh, taehyung looked so irresistibly sexy. now, alone in this room, jeongguk became acutely aware of his tempting presence, leaving him breathless and angry- angry that anyone else had seen him like this, and angry that doohyun had the chance to dance with him and kiss him. the mere flashback of it drove jeongguk wild with jealousy.

"can't handle a bit of skin, can you?" taehyung deliberately let the other side of his shirt slip off his shoulder as well, leaning casually against the door with a smug expression as he eyed jeongguk.

"yes, i can't." jeongguk breathed out those words, his fists clenching. he tilted his head, piercing his gaze on the male, "are you seducing me, taehyung?"

"i'm just setting the mood. after all, we are gonna fuck and find out if i like your cock or not"

"fucking hell" jeongguk averted his gaze and chuckled, the sound vibrating deep from his chest. his breathing grew heavy, and taehyung's taunting words, spoken as if this meant nothing to him, didn't help at all.

he faced the male again, "do you talk like this with that guy too?"

"oh you have no idea" taehyung lied, keeping that smirk on his lips, licking them even. he felt high, high on hurt. "if you hadn't intervened, maybe i'd be fucking him right now"

jeongguk's fists clenched so hard the knuckles turned white, his eyes narrowed into slits and lips curled into a nasty frown. he took a slow step towards the other male who stared at him with this loathing face, jeongguk has never seen before. it only made things worse.

"watch that mouth. don't act like a fucking..."

"slut?" taehyung laughed out, as he stood upright.

the word echoing through the room. jeongguk sighed, looking away which only made him snicker, nodding.

"yeah call me a slut too, why don't you? maybe i'll suck you off real good and live up to your allegations!"

"kim fucking taehyung!" jeongguk yelled so loud that taehyung flinched and pressed himself against the door to just keep the little distance after jeongguk stepped dangerously close to him. he couldn't lie, he was actually scared of the male.

the fear glistening in his glossy eyes took back jeongguk, making him wonder was taehyung now scared of him? his hardened expressions softened and a weary sigh left his lips.

the guilt of screaming at taehyung sank within him. he has never screamed at taehyung like this and he knows how sensitive the boy is. jeongguk knew he was a rather violent person with others, but with taehyung he always made sure not even a bit of that lunacy ever showed up. yet now he was breaking every single rule he had made.

but he couldn't help the anger that bubbled within him. jeongguk's eyes met taehyung, reminding him of everything that happened. it brought back the rage he was feeling. after all, the sight of taehyung kissing doohyun just couldn't leave his mind.

"so you'd rather fuck him?"

"y-yeah, i wish he was here instead of you. he would've fucked me so good" taehyung knew he was just blurting out whatever came to mind, but could anyone blame him? he was going absolutely crazy, that the only thing he wanted to do right now was get on jeongguk's all damn nerves and see just how far he could go.

"oh yeah?" jeongguk's voice trembled in a low register as he inched closer, placing his hands on either side of taehyung's head. their faces were so close that their noses almost touched, as they were of the same height.

"aren't you just being ridiculous? that guy? you really think he can satisfy you? taehyung, you're so damn needy. i can only imagine just how fucking needy you'll be in bed"

upon hearing the male, taehyung's face flushed red, he turned his head away. jeongguk chuckled, taking this chance to rub his nose against taehyung's exposed neck. "do you think anyone other than me can ever fulfill all your needs?"

a shiver ran down taehyung's spine when jeongguk breathed out those words against his skin, compelling him to snap his head back to push jeongguk's face away from his neck. they again got eye to eye and taehyung was so red and his heart was racing so incredibly fast and loud that he feared jeongguk would hear it.

a humorless chuckle escaped his lips, "needs? i thought we were doing this just to make me realize that i don't like men? who knows, maybe after this, i'd like to fuck women."

jeongguk's jaw clenched at those words. taehyung loving a woman. yeah, that was normal and exactly how it should be but why did his heart still burn?

he placed one knee between taehyung's thighs, positioning himself to hover completely over him. the closeness, the warmth radiating from jeongguk, the shallow breathing, and the pounding heartbeats. despite the mood of the situation, taehyung still felt himself getting flustered.

as if it meant anything to jeongguk.

he saw jeongguk glancing down at his lips and his own lips curled into a bitter smirk, "what, wanna kiss first?"

there was a sparkle in jeongguk's eyes but it went away as soon as it came. he scoffed, "kissing is for lovers, taehyung."

"so is sex"

"we are gonna fuck. not make love. there's a difference isn't it?"

if someone would just rip out his heart at this point, that might hurt much less than this. taehyung's eyes stung with hot tears and it was getting hard to control them from falling.

held so much pride in knowing jeongguk, taehyung felt stupid now. the things mira said to him that day now ringing in his ears louder than ever.

flashback:

the café was peaceful and quiet, punctuated only by the occasional clink of cups or the soft murmur of conversation. but taehyung's mind was ablaze. he tapped his foot against the floor, glancing down at his tea as it grew cold. mira was late.

after another ten minutes, he finally saw her walk through the door, and his tapping stopped. mira spotted him and made her way over.

"sorry, i made you wait"

"it's okay. you want to order something?"

"a coffee, please" as taehyung went to place mira's order, he thought the whole time what did she want to talk about? jeongguk had just left this morning and here, he was having a chat with his ex-girlfriend. that was already awkward enough, maybe he should have told jeongguk about this meeting beforehand. maybe then he wouldn't be feeling so restless. well, he'll surely tell him later on, or he thought so.

"so, what did you want to talk about?" he asked the moment he sat down. it might make him look eager but that was exactly how he felt.

"oh uhm..." mira trailed off, fiddling with her fingers. she closed her eyes and took a deep breath- it just agitated taehyung all the more.

"i know this is probably going to make you feel super offended or uncomfortable... but you like jeongguk, don't you?"

"i-i'm sorry what?" he rasped out. his heart suddenly pounding in his chest. how did mira know?

"you do, don't you?"

"no!" taehyung almost shouted the answer but then regretted upon seeing some people glancing at him. he gulped hard and looked at mira in an uncertain way. "no, i don't. not in that way at least. what the hell are you even talking about?"

"oh god you two are just alike..." mira mumbled while looking away and taehyung could only catch the first two words.

she again looked at the male and this time, her tone was firmer. "lie to me all you want, taehyung but i know you like him. your eyes give it away. when i hold jeongguk's hand, or when i cling to him, when i feed him, or that day when i said he kissed me roughly, oh god, the way you looked... either you're very aware of your feelings or you're one oblivious fucker... like je-" mira stopped, took a deep breath, "so, you like jeongguk. yes or no?"

"i don't think i'm obligated to answer that, or give any explanation at all." taehyung said sternly this time. there was nothing between jeongguk and mira anymore so why would he even sit there and let her say all that like he did a crime? she might be right, that yes he was jealous of her and it hurt like a bitch seeing them together but he didn't need to admit that to her.

"if you're going to let out your bitterness on why jeongguk dumped you, i'm sorry but i'm not the right person you should vent to. now i should take my leave" but as taehyung started to stand up mira again spoke.

"jeongguk has told me how he hates the idea of even seeing you in that light"

taehyung slowly sank down on his seat, "when did he tell you that?"

"i asked him the same question the other day. if he likes you or not... and if you really don't have feelings for him, then this shouldn't hurt right?"

"what shouldn't hurt? can you just get to the point?"

"when i asked him if he likes you, he looked disgusted, taehyung. he couldn't believe i asked such a ridiculous question to him"

of course taehyung knew jeongguk was disgusted even by the idea itself but when he hears that from a third person, shit really hurts. it makes him aware of what he feels for that man and how wrong those feelings are. but he didn't let the hurt show on his face, "of course he'd be... s-so am i. it's a ridiculous question"

"he told me you can be anything to him but not a lover. that was just straight up disgusting, said it was equally disgusting as you liking any other man"

this one burned. did jeongguk really tell her that? he was finding it seriously hard to believe. was she lying?

"yet he feels insecure when you're with other people" mira added and it was then when taehyung found it even more uncertain. if she was really lying then what's this truth doing in between? it's true that jeongguk was actually insecure whenever he was with anyone else. it was so clear the male wanted him all for himself only and even though taehyung had gotten used to that, when he hears mira say it, it makes him feel sort of weird.

"he tracked your location, didn't he?" mira asked, noticing taehyung's shocked expression. she chuckled. "he told me how he couldn't help but stalk you, keeping records of everywhere you went. he also mentioned how much he hated seeing you dance with another guy... am i wrong, taehyung?"

"he... he told you all that?"

"he did. and yet, he said he hated the idea of having you as a lover. so, what exactly do you two share? pfft friendship? please, you and me both know that's bullshit. i also have a best friend i've known since childhood, but trust me i'd never react the way jeongguk does- actually no one will"

"he hates seeing you with someone else but then he also hates the idea of being your lover. doesn't that make you wonder that maybe, jeongguk just wants to possess you?"

"possess?" taehyung gripped the edge of the table. maybe in some corner of his mind, he knew that jeongguk always wanted to possess him, but as a best friend. best friends can be possessive, right? there was nothing wrong with it.

"jeongguk doesn't feel love, taehyung. he just likes the feeling of owning things or people. like he tried to own me" mira licked her lips, suddenly looking some sort of nervous.

"jeongguk and i have slept together"

"no you haven't..." taehyung couldn't help but scoff. mira was just bluffing. jeongguk had told him he felt nothing for her, so how could they have slept together? it didn't add up. no, it wasn't possible.

"and how do you know that?"

"because... he doesn't love you"

mira gritted her teeth, "so does he love you?"

"stop making this complicated. he's my friend, nothing more"

"then why do you look so hurt?" mira pointed out how agitated he turned in just a few minutes. taehyung just shook his head, his reactions were all over the place. god, how did he hide his feelings from jeongguk when he can get so expressive at such lies? but was mira actually lying? she didn't have any reasons to though.

"he doesn't love either of us, taehyung. he lies just to trap you. like he told me 'i love you,' slept with me, and then discarded me as if i meant nothing. his 'i love yous' didn't mean a thing."

taehyung wanted to shout at mira for such blatant lies. jeongguk has clearly told him how he didn't feel anything for mira and that he got into that relationship just to prove he doesn't need him. that relationship was nothing to jeongguk and as shitty it sounded, that was the truth.

however, at the same time, there were a few things she said that taehyung could confirm as truthful. so, what was he supposed to believe and what not?

"you're lying. jeongguk isn't like that. stop trying to turn me against him. this isn't going to work," taehyung spat out. he couldn't bear to stay there any longer with so much being poured out on him. mira sounded like a bitter ex-girlfriend- because that's exactly what she was. after being abruptly dumped, she must be trying to stir up drama. it was better to not trust her.

"i'm not trying to turn you against him, taehyung. i'm just warning you because i know for a fact, you love him" she pointed at him, "those eyes, so full of love when you look at jeongguk, how can i not recognize them? after all... i once also looked at him like that... perhaps still do. that's what love does, and it's doing the same to you"

taehyung bit on his lip, his eyes slightly widening. was he so obvious then? did everyone notice that look in his eyes? except the one he was looking at.

"you might think you know jeongguk better just because you've known him longer, but remember, taehyung, sometimes we can't even recognize our own selves. and here you are, taking pride in knowing someone else. for fuck's sake, people change whenever they want. just like how jeongguk once said he loved me and now he doesn't. maybe back then, he just wanted to have a girlfriend, like he wants to have you for as long as he's interested- or until he gets bored."

"you're saying nonsense" was all taehyung could say. he didn't trust mira, not at all. he knew jeongguk better than her. who was she anyway. right?

"maybe i am, truth can be nonsense sometimes." mira shrugged, drinking her coffee while taehyung sat there with his thoughts thrown into disarray. "but you have to believe me taehyung. what i've gone through, it can be you next"

"we won't ever be... lovers. so i think i'm safe, thank you"

"oh really? he wants to own you, kim taehyung. and once you start acting the way he doesn't want you to, like the way i did by starting to question his behavior towards me, towards you. he will show you his ugly side, the side you're not familiar with"

"so please don't do this to yourself, you're just gonna get yourself hurt in the end with the feelings you have for him"

"you'll regret loving him"

"the fuck are you even saying at this point?" taehyung shook his head. mira's words were now making sense to him, painfully so, throwing his world into chaos.

jeongguk tilted his head and spat out, "we can stop this anytime. you just need to admit you are not gay, that's fucking it."

"oh really? he wants to own you, kim taehyung. and once you start acting the way he doesn't want you to, like the way i did by starting to question his behavior towards me, towards you. he will show you his ugly side, the side you're not familiar with"

those words echoed in his mind. jeongguk was going to such lengths just to make him act a certain way, like a straight guy he could be seen with. perhaps to jeongguk, sleeping with people he has no feelings for wasn't a big deal and saying sweet things like he meant the world to him was meaningless, just like when he said 'i love you' to mira and slept with her.

he was no different, now was he? lying came so easily to jeongguk and that made taehyung doubt, did jeongguk ever meant any of those words he said to him?

you're all i have

i'm nothing without you

there's nothing i treasure more than this friendship

and so many more taehyung can't even remember at the moment. were they all lies?

if they are. then taehyung was done being considerate of the bond they have, or particularly had. if all jeongguk wants is to own him, then fuck him and this friendship.

"i don't understand why this bothers you so much. me being gay... for fuck's sake, i'm not your lover. so you can't dictate what i should or shouldn't do." taehyung sneered, standing upright and moving dangerously close to jeongguk, whose hands were clenched against the door, keeping taehyung trapped between his arms. but perhaps it was jeongguk who was truly trapped- in taehyung's spell. after all, whatever taehyung did or said seemed to affect him very badly.

jeongguk locked eyes with taehyung, his voice dropping a few octaves as he spoke, "you might not be my lover, but you still belong to me"

taehyung scoffed, "crazy, you don't even love me but you want to claim me as yours? have you lost your mind jeongguk?"

"i probably have. you have driven me to my absolutely insanity, kim taehyung"

there was a menacing glint in jeongguk's eyes, which was strange; because he has always looked at taehyung with a particular affection and spoke to him in a very soft tone. however, none of that was evident now.

it's as if the person right in front of him was someone else.

"you might think you know jeongguk better just because you've known him longer, but remember, taehyung, sometimes we can't even recognize our own selves. and here you are, taking pride in knowing someone else. for fuck's sake, people change whenever they want. just like how jeongguk once said he loved me and now he doesn't. maybe back then, he just wanted to have a girlfriend, like he wants to have you for as long as he's interested- or until he gets bored."

"h-hah... do you just want to own me, jeongguk?" taehyung rasped out. please say no, just say you're out of it, that you don't know what you're saying right now. he hoped internally.

there was a flicker in jeongguk's eyes before he closed them and lowered his head, a sigh escaping his lips. taehyung felt a slight sense of relief, thinking that perhaps jeongguk was finally beginning to understand what he was doing.

however, jeongguk lifted his head, then removed one hand from beside taehyung's body and gently placed it on the male's face, cradling it tenderly.

"why would i want to own you?" jeongguk smiled, subtle yet so apparent. "you already belong to me"

the little hope that bloomed within taehyung was destroyed the second those words left the other's lips.

"jeongguk doesn't feel love, taehyung. he just likes the feeling of owning things or people"

"hah..." taehyung sneered as he slowly pushed jeongguk's hand away and inched closer, closing the small gap between them.

jeongguk's eyes grew wide as taehyung's lips met his.

as if his breath was stolen away, jeongguk's hands hovered awkwardly in the air, unsure where to place them. it was only when taehyung pressed his soft lips against jeongguk's for the second time that jeongguk hesitantly placed his hands on taehyung's arms and closed his eyes, finally reciprocating the kiss.

their lips moved in a fast and desperate rhythm. jeongguk was clueless, didn't know shit- what to do and what not. for he was scared, he'll have those lips taken away from him if he tried doing anything on his own.

he followed taehyung's lead, tilting his head and just kissing those soft lips. however, soon his breath hitched in his throat when he felt a hot tongue trying to get inside his mouth. his heart raced like never, oh god what should he do? jeongguk opened his mouth slowly and hesitantly. right then, like a desperate man trying to seek shelter in a storm, taehyung entered his tongue into jeongguk's mouth and getting the cue, jeongguk decided to move according his own as well.

"mhm..." taehyung whimpered when jeongguk deepened the kiss, his tongue invading his hot cavern. he shuddered when jeongguk's warm and large hand slipped beneath his shirt, pushing it aside to let it drape loosely from the other shoulder while his fingers caressed and fondled his soft exposed arm, nails digging in every time he tried to tangle their tongues that felt thick and hot.

they kissed as if it were the very air they breathed, their hands all over each other, tongues tangling in one another's mouths, small whimpers and grunts leaving their lips. the room was filled with the sounds of their smooches, and soon taehyung found himself gasping for breath.

he pulled back abruptly, a pop sound following as jeongguk desperately tried to keep their lips together, but they separated, a strand of saliva connecting their swollen, red lips.

hot breaths escaped their mouths as they stared at each other. their faces were flushed and hair was a mess from all the grabbing. jeongguk gulped hard, his gaze fixed on those luscious, heart-shaped lips he had just kissed, wanting nothing more than having them back on his own.

but he watched as taehyung wiped his lips with the back of his mouth. rather harshly, as if there was dirt on his lips.

"kissing is for lovers? stop fucking lying. you kiss anyone and fuck anyone jeongguk, just to get whatever you want" taehyung fixed his shirt before looking at the other, his eyes filling with tears. "wanna fuck next? we can do that too. if that will satisfy you, then sure! let's fuck"

"tae?" jeongguk stumbled back when taehyung grabbed his pants, starting to unbuckle his belt.

"you kissed mira, fucked her, and told her you loved her, but it didn't mean a thing, did it? you can do the same to me. then discard me because what the fuck do i mean right? just something you own!"

"what the fuck are you saying?!" jeongguk tried to grab taehyung's hand to stop it from unbuckling his belt, "taehyung! stop it!" but taehyung was already done. he pulled down jeongguk's pants, the sight of his boxers coming to sight.

"a fuck will mean nothing, just like the kiss. isn't that right jeongguk?" taehyung looked at jeongguk with tearful eyes, "because we aren't lovers, never will be" then hastily he tried to pull down the other's boxers as well.

"taehyung goddamn it!" jeongguk pushed taehyung away with such force that taehyung slammed into the door, a loud thud echoing through the room. jeongguk's eyes widened as he watched taehyung slide down the door, the pain of the impact clearly visible on his face before he lowered his head.

"tae... shit- tae..." jeongguk hurriedly wore back his pants and tried to approach taehyung but halted on his spot when the male chuckled.

"disgusted, aren't you?" taehyung raised his head, looking up at jeongguk with red, tearful eyes. "i'm sorry for being like this" i'm sorry for being in love with you. he didn't say it, now he was sure to never utter those words. even in his dreams.

before jeongguk could even say anything or help him to get up, taehyung stood up, the push might have been hard but the realization of how things turned that came with it was ten fold harder. taehyung turned to grab the doorknob.

"w-where are you going?"

taehyung unlocked the door. "don't come after me"

"n-no, listen to me first. i think y-you've got something w-wrong"

"jeongguk, i'm begging you. please don't come after me." taehyung didn't turn, but his trembling back gave it away. maybe if he really stayed there any longer, he'd fall apart.

powerless against the male's pleading, he stopped himself from saying or doing anything and simply watched as taehyung left.

it's okay. he will see taehyung tomorrow. they still have time.

in the silence of the room, jeongguk seemed to realize what he had done. he hurt taehyung, just the way those people hurt him. he was no different.

he fell to his knees, looked down at the very hands he pushed taehyung with. tears blurred his vision. one drop, two drop, they just rolled down. jeongguk never had control over himself. but this time, he had exceeded all limits.

there was definitely something taehyung misunderstood. where did mira come in this entire thing? what did he mean by kissing, fucking and even absurdly enough, saying 'i love you' to mira?

there were so many things wrong. in fact, he was the source of all this wrongness. what on earth did he think when he brought taehyung here? to what, fuck him? for crying out loud, that is kim taehyung! the one he will trade the world for. yet he traded everything they had just to calm down the paranoia that was raging inside him. he was the one who ruined their friendship and maybe there was no going back now.

"n-no... i'll talk to tae tomorrow... i'll tell him the truth... he'll understand me... a-and maybe then... i can... i can tell him..." jeongguk sobbed, wiping his tears but they just won't stop.

he touched his lips, the lips taehyung kissed. oh it was everything to have him in that way.

a deadly kiss. but fuck it for feeling so right.

"maybe i should have followed him... will he return home safely?" jeongguk started chewing on his nails anxiously. pacing back and forth in the room.

suddenly, his throat began to hurt, and the surroundings started to distort. he blinked and tried to steady himself as anxiety gnawed at him like never before. "my pills..." he muttered, rummaging through his pants pocket, but they weren't there. he noticed the bottles of alcohol on the table, grabbed one, but then hesitated.

"no, i can't drink. i need to see taehyung first thing tomorrow morning..." with a heavy sigh, he plopped on the bed. the only reason he chose a hotel was because his parents were at home, which made it no home for him. jeongguk really had no idea what he was about to do when he brought taehyung here but maybe it was for the best, they didn't end up doing anything extreme.

fucking? taehyung didn't deserve to be fucked with no feelings attached. if anything, taehyung should be handled with love and care, even in bed. only making love with him was the right term. still he said and did everything that he didn't mean. oh how he kept fucking things up.

jeongguk closed his eyes and covered them with his arm. sleep eluded him, and throughout the night, he was plagued by relentless thoughts, the silence of the room echoing loudly in his ears. now, the morning light was his only hope.

╺╺╺

a little boy ran by, no older than five. jeongguk realized that it was him in the boy's body. he saw another little boy playing with toys, and as he blinked, he found himself beside the boy, a toy in hand. the little boy was smiling at him- oh it was taehyung. jeongguk giggled, playing with little taehyung.

he again blinked. now, they are a little older. ten-year-old taehyung was crying because he had dropped his ice cream. jeongguk gave his ice cream to the crying boy. the ten year old taehyung smiled, sharing the ice cream with him. he heard taehyung's grandma calling for them, they raced back in the house, jeongguk letting taehyung win, letting his giggle fill the space.

again, jeongguk blinked and was brought to middle school. standing outside the classroom, both being punished by the teacher, hands up in the air. they looked at each other, bursting out in laughter.

oh this was so fun. jeongguk blinked, now brought to that one summer evening of his high school years. he was standing there, in front of taehyung who looked starlet to see him. after all, he didn't tell the boy he had come to school that day. he ran to hug him, and hugged him very tightly. taehyung stroked his hair, his warmth soaking into him.

maybe he should have told him everything that day. but tragic, he didn't.

the flashbacks of their lives spent together kept going in front of his eyes like a broken recorder. but then a glitch sort of happened, when he pulled away from hugging the high schooler taehyung, he saw the red marks on taehyung's neck... he blinked, it was gone. but then he felt the suffocation of the rope around his neck. jeongguk tried to scream but couldn't.

then, suddenly taehyung fell over him, motionless. jeongguk grabbed taehyung's arms and pushed him back to see his face. his eyes widened in horror to find not taehyung, but someone else's face- the face of a person he could never forget. all color drained from the face before him, saliva pooling at the corner of their lips, eyes wide opened, reminding jeongguk that he was holding a dead person in his hands.

dead. dead. dead-

jeongguk woke up gasping. the room was dimly lit, an unfamiliar ceiling coming to sight, until it hit him where he was and what had happened. he sat upright almost instantly, his head getting dizzy. that dream again. jeongguk sighed, wiping his forehead that was sweating despite the air conditioner being on. he grabbed his phone and checked the time. it was around 6.30 in the morning.

"tae..." was all he uttered before bolting out of the room, not even bothering to freshen up as he raced down the stairs instead of waiting for the lift, driven by an urgent need to see taehyung.

after checking out of the hotel, he scanned the streets for cabs, but none were running this early. swearing under his breath, he sprinted to the nearest bus stop. thankfully, he managed to catch a bus and immediately began calling taehyung repeatedly but of course he didn't pick up. jeongguk couldn't blame him for not doing so, but he hoped taehyung would be at least considerate enough to hear him out.

when he reached taehyung's place, jeongguk's nerves were at their peak as he stepped into the lift. as he reached the floor, his pace slowed. what face would he show taehyung? after causing him so much pain, would he even be willing to listen?

no, taehyung would listen- he always had, and he would now, too. if not taehyung, then who else? who else did he have to love?

after messing everything up, jeongguk realized what he had done, to what extent he had ruined everything. he felt like a complete idiot. but it's alright; he'll finally taehyung why he was so against him being gay, he will tell him about all his nightmares and that incident, he'll put out all there is to- perhaps even confess about these mixed feelings he was having, since a long long time. because taehyung would understand. he had to.

he stood in front of the door and rang the bell. his foot tapping against the floor constantly. a minute passed by. no one answered. he rang the bell again. no answer. just when he was about to knock, he noticed that the door was locked.

taehyung was not at home.

jeongguk's heart started beating loud. he dialed his number. no answer.

then he remembered that yoongi lived right next door to taehyung. he knocked aggressively on the adjacent door, and after a few moments, yoongi opened it, clearly still half-asleep.

however, his sleep went away immediately after he looked at the male. "what the fuck are you doing here?"

"tae... where is he?" jeongguk asked the question in sheer panic, his breathing coming in ragged.

"are you kidding me? you dragged taehyung out of the bar last night! what do you mean where is he?!" yoongi stepped past jeongguk and noticed taehyung's front door was locked. he turned to look at jeongguk in utter shock, "where the hell is taehyung, jeongguk?"

jeongguk started biting on his nails again, shaking his head. this time, he called taehyung's mother. after a few rings she picked up.

"hello jeonggukie? so early in the morning, did anything happen?"

"h-hello, aunty. i uhm no but... did you talk with taehyung?"

"oh yes. last night."

"last night... o-okay... thank you" jeongguk cut the call and then looked at yoongi in pure devastation. yoongi looked back at him, in disbelief. "taehyung was with you. where did he go?"

"he... he left in the middle of the night... and i let him... fuck i let him just leave"

he recalled taehyung's last words.

"jeongguk, i'm begging you. please don't come after me."

those words now found a new meaning to him. was taehyung implying something else? oh he must be so out of his mind to ever let him leave after that. his hand ruffled his hair, pulled on the hair strands as he stood there and thought where he could have gone.

on the other hand, yoongi called jimin and doohyun, both not knowing where taehyung was. the male was left cursing under his breath. but jeongguk, he couldn't even stand still, his head was dizzy and all he cared for was a glimpse of taehyung, to know the boy was fine.

"m-maybe he went to my place? or uni? what a-about the bar? i s-should look there"

"i don't think after what you did he'll go to your place. what the hell would he go to the uni for? also the bar doesn't open so early and if he did go there, jin would have informed me. so none of those places"

"then where else?!" jeongguk yelled, clenching the phone hard in his hand.

jeongguk felt like a mad man. the guilt of letting taehyung leave without explaining himself right there, or not doing or saying anything in the first place was feeling like ripping his skin off. there had been so many times he has fucked things over, but taehyung always listened, always stayed. but now how can he find him?

"how can i find him..." he repeated to himself and got reminded of last night when he tracked taehyung's location. he immediately opened the app.

but soon he got disappointed when the location tracker showed an error. how was this possible? unless taehyung got rid of his phone entirely.

was he even fine? did he met an accident, or got kidnapped? or hurt himself? there were so many bad thoughts swarming in his head.

he decided to try calling taehyung again, knowing it was probably going to be in vain. however, just when he was about to open the contacts, he noticed the kakaotalk notification above. his heart skipped a beat and then started racing as he opened the app. taehyung had texted him. shit, how could he miss that?

he opened the chat. it was a voice message.

"hey, gguk. ah... should i call you that?" taehyung's voice was strained, like he was crying a while ago and even hearing that voice, the corners of jeongguk's eyes stung with tears.

"i'll just go with jeongguk, might make it less painful for me. so, all that happened, yeah. honestly i can't say i'm mad at you because i'm more mad at myself. i have always given you the freedom to do whatever you want with me, and this friendship we had. it's partially my fault isn't it?" a chuckle that sounded more like a sob came from the line.

"but there was this line that we shouldn't have crossed... but we did cross it and fucked it all up, didn't we?" jeongguk clenched the phone against his ear, shaking his head, tears slowly rolling down his face. yoongi stood in the distance but still could very much hear everything.

"i know you care but your way of caring hurts me. god, you are s-so s-selfish... you want to own me but i'm not a thing, jeongguk. i'm my own person. don't i have a say in what i want?" each word taehyung said seem to pierce through jeongguk's heart. he shut closed his eyes, sobbing.

"i wanted to understand you, and i really did my best in doing so but you're just so fucking complicated. one moment you give me all the l-love i can ever ask for and the very next, you treat me like i mean n-nothing."

jeongguk shook his head, like taehyung could see. tears continuously streaming down his face and hand trembling to even hold the phone. just to what extent had he broken taehyung?

"we've grown up together and always been by each other's side, which is why we're so dependent on one another. but as time goes on and things become toxic, everyone needs a new environment- and i need that too. it might hurt to hear, but i need to be away from y-you... be-because you've become b-bad for me, j-jeongguk."

jeongguk's heart ached. had he really became bad for taehyung? was he poisonous to the boy? "after what happened today, i can't face you. it would fucking k-kill me." there was sniffling sounds, oh taehyung was crying again but he spoke regardless. "i've always planned to move out after graduating, and maybe... now is the time."

there was a pause and jeongguk got tensed. he hoped it wasn't what he thought, though he was proved wrong and left devastated with the very next words.

"i'm moving out, jeongguk. out of this city and perhaps soon out of the country. p-please don't try to look for me, if you even for once treasured our friendship and want to see me do good in life, just don't."

jeongguk's eyes widened, he aggressively shook his head. lips parting to say the word "no" continuously. too bad, taehyung can't hear him anymore.

"this isn't going to be easy for me... but perhaps it's better we never see each other again."

"n-no..." jeongguk's throat hurt. the world around him closing in.

"goodbye, jeongguk. i wish you all the best in life."

the phone slipped from jeongguk's hand. yoongi sighed and looked away. a fresh tear rolled down jeongguk's face, followed by more. he gripped the railing for support, crouching down and lowering his head as he stared blankly at nothing in particular.

the hurt in his chest bloomed, it curled his heart into a cage. thump, thump, thump. he could hear his heartbeats in his ears. loud and noisy.

what he feared the most finally happened.

his taehyung left him.

all alone, all to himself.

taehyung was gone.

━━━━━━━━━

we are about to enter a new part of the story in the next chapter.

so i'd like to call this the end of 'part one' of Mine To Claim.

from next chapter, part two of the story will begin.
(a preview will be out very soon, giving us a glimpse of the new arc of Mine To Claim- like a preface to part two)

also thanks for reading, loving and supporting mtc! love you all xoxo

see you in part two then !