✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

breathe.

taehyung begged himself to breathe. it was suffocating, just to stare into those brown bambi eyes that stared back into his widened ones, the familiar rage taehyung saw that night when he was with yoongi. he knows that look all too well, it made breathing even more difficult and his heart, oh it just wouldn't stop racing this fast.

the grip jeongguk had on his wrist seemed to just increase, perhaps from trying to control his monstrous side from coming out. taehyung couldn't tell though, he never thought jeongguk was this unknown to him before. to the point he wasn't even sure what the male was thinking right now.

he needed to get away from jeongguk. he needed to hide.

the first thing he tried to do was try to get his wrist out of jeongguk's tight grip. but oh boy, he couldn't. the grip only tightened and jeongguk's eyes pierced on him further.

fuck, taehyung wanted to cry.

"l-let g-go" taehyung mumbled, his voice shaking, as he looked around and noticed a few people staring at them, including doohyun who wanted to intervene but taehyung pleaded with his eyes for him not to. doohyun, understanding, stayed rooted to his spot. yoongi and jimin ran towards him and now stood beside him, their eyes fixed on jeongguk who was staring at taehyung in silence and jeongguk's this silence was killing taehyung.

yoongi was about to say something but jimin's firm grip on his shoulder held him back. if anyone was going to speak first, it had to be jeongguk. but this damn boy, couldn't just stop staring at taehyung.

"l-let go gguk... please" taehyung sobbed this time. tears whelming in his eyes. poor taehyung, he was so scared, so vulnerable under those bambi eyes he adores so much.

jeongguk sneered.

that was his first reaction.

taehyung's heart sank like a stone in water when jeongguk released his wrist. so easily? his senses heightened when jeongguk stepped in closer, their shoes touching and he wanted to retreat but an overwhelming wave of anxiety held him firmly in place, like invisible chains binding him to the spot.

"why are you crying?" jeongguk gently lifted his hand to catch the tear that rolled down his cheek, capturing it on his fingertip. he studied the glistening droplet for a moment before turning his gaze back to taehyung, who was struggling to hold back his own tears.

"afraid i'll hate you?"

"are you scared to lose me tae?"

taehyung couldn't hold back his tears this time. fat drops of tears rolled down his face and his lips quivered. jeongguk had always understood him, perhaps not completely but he knew him better than most.

jeongguk hating him has been his biggest fear after learning he was in love with him. taehyung was scared shitless to lose jeongguk, he didn't know what would become of him if a day like that ever comes and he feared, today might be that day. so when jeongguk pointed just that out, something in taehyung curled.

lowering his head, taehyung squeezed shut his eyes and let the tears run down. he could feel jimin's hands wrapping around his arm, trying to hold him. this time, yoongi took a decisive step forward, jeongguk's indifferent gaze shifted towards him.

"what the hell are you doing here?" yoongi tried to hold back his rage as jeongguk sneered again.

"never really wanted to step in a place like this anyway" jeongguk looked around, glancing at the couples- dancing, kissing, singing, laughing and a few looking at them. he then looked back at yoongi, giving him a look of disgust as he leaned closer to his face and muttered, "it's fucking disgusting, just like you"

amidst the loud music and the bustling crowd, taehyung fortunately missed hearing those hurtful words. moreover, he remained unable to lift his head or meet jeongguk's gaze.

yoongi scowled, the urge to punch jeongguk was strong. "get the fuck out before i call security"

"don't worry, i'll get the fuck out of here but not alone" jeongguk grabbed taehyung's wrist, surprising the man as he flinched, raising his head and staring at jeongguk with teary eyes.

"it's not your fault, tae" jeongguk cupped taehyung's face and wiped those tears off. "you were forced i know, it's okay i'm here now. it's alright" jeongguk smiled as if he wasn't the reason taehyung was this miserable.

the words caught in taehyung's throat, he desperately wanted to deny jeongguk's accusations. he wanted to say that he hadn't been coerced into coming, that it was his own choice. but jeongguk tugged at his wrist, insisting they leave the place. before his own conflicted feelings might sway him to follow jeongguk, yoongi intervened, grabbing taehyung's other hand to prevent him from leaving.

jeongguk's eyes dropped there.

and then before anyone knew,

jeongguk punched yoongi hard across his jaw.

"yoongi!" jimin let out in horror. he was fast enough to catch yoongi from collapsing on the floor.

his hands clumsily hovered over the pale man's face, focusing on his lips. "fuck, you're bleeding!"

"keep your dirty hands off him" jeongguk growled.

taehyung stood frozen in place, unable to move as jimin called out for jin while cupping yoongi's face. yoongi insisted repeatedly that he was fine but it was clear he wasn't. the punch had been sudden and forceful, leaving yoongi's lip bleeding and a bruise forming on his face.

the sound of jimin's tears and the sight of yoongi's bruised lip was twisting taehyung's heart. just because of him, his friends were suffering and he couldn't do anything to stop it.

he turned to jeongguk.

jeongguk was still fuming but his eyes slightly softened when he looked at taehyung, "he brought you here didn't he?"

jeongguk then looked at yoongi, stepping a bit closer and the short man even in pain glared back at him. "you fucking fag is the reason my tae has changed. you brainwashed the fuck out of him"

suddenly taehyung's hand gripped jeongguk's arm firmly, spinning him around to face him. his eyes were red and swollen, the remnants of a smile replaced by trembling lips struggling to hold back tears. it was strange, how moments ago he had been filled with happiness, only to be plunged back into misery now.

the reason for his misery right in front of him, staring at him as if whatever was happening was solely his fault. his fault for trying to get rid of these feelings that were killing him inside.

love sucks. because even now he can't bring himself to punch jeongguk back for hurting yoongi. he loves jeongguk too much to do that. his heart held him back but not enough for him to not utter the next words.

"get out"

"what?"

"i said get the fuck out of here" taehyung pushed jeongguk hard causing the male to stumble back.

he looked at taehyung in disbelief, "tae?"

"don't make me call the security on you" taehyung's usually soft eyes were now red and filled with rage, glaring at jeongguk as he motioned toward the exit, "out"

taking a few seconds to lock eyes with taehyung, jeongguk let out a mocking chuckle. he stepped closer until they were eye to eye, taehyung's glare meeting his defiantly.

this wasn't how taehyung envisioned the night to go. he didn't want jeongguk to make him more miserable. just one dance with a man and a blunder like this had to happen.

it pained taehyung to realize that the person he loved so deeply was now the source of his misery.

jeongguk gestured with his finger, pointing first at taehyung, then at himself repeatedly. "you see us? this is what we are becoming... or at least what you are making us. you created this fucking distance for what? to dance in another man's arm?"

he grabbed taehyung's arms and yanked him closer, looking into his teary red eyes and his own eyes started watering.

"day and night i kept thinking, why you won't talk to me much, won't look at me, won't smile at me, won't even dearly call me gguk" jeongguk sniffled.

"you stopped loving me tae"

taehyung laughed, dry and humorlessly. "stopped loving you?"

the irony was striking. jeongguk accused him of love, yet it was this very love that had driven them apart. taehyung yearned to tell jeongguk he couldn't love him platonically anymore. for his own good, he has to get rid of this stupid love he has for his best friend. but jeongguk was making it harder.

"have you ever thought, maybe you're the reason for it?"

"i'm the reason now?" his grip on taehyung's arm increased. it hurts taehyung but again, at this point what does jeongguk do that not hurt him?

"then tell me what i have done to be treated this way? what's the reason my goddamn best friend has distanced himself and now dancing with another man in a fucking gay bar, among these fucking homosexuals!"

"because i'm fucking one of them!"

jeongguk's grip loosened on taehyung's arms.

those words rang in his ear and his heart sank because when he looked into taehyung's eyes, he could see the honesty. taehyung wasn't lying.

"what?"

"i like girls yes" taehyung gulped, his tongue tied with the weight of the next words and even though it took time, he did utter them. "but i like guys too"

what a lie.

taehyung didn't like girls nor did he like guys. his heart belonged solely to jeongguk, his best friend. it was a tragic truth that even now, he couldn't bring himself to admit openly.

the loud music and dancing crowd faded into the background as if the world had paused around jeongguk and taehyung. their focus narrowed to each other but this time, it wasn't infused with love. there was something else in the air, both could feel it.

before jeongguk could say something, two security guards approached from behind, jolting him out of his trance with a firm hand on his shoulder. taehyung observed as the guards told jeongguk to leave, but when jeongguk shook his head, attempting to say something to taehyung, one of the guards forcibly grabbed his arm and began to escort him out. jeongguk pushed the guard's hand away, still trying to speak, "tae-"

"don't force us" one of the guards grabbed his arm again.

"let me go! fuck! tae!" jeongguk tried to move closer.

the other guard joined in, both trying to restrain jeongguk as he physically resisted, fighting against their hold. however, they outnumbered him and eventually, they managed to grab jeongguk and forcefully drag him out of there. taehyung stood there, feeling the weight of everyone's eyes on him. jeongguk's desperate screams drew all attention towards them.

"what a crazy bastard" it was jin who stood beside taehyung after calling the security and looked at him in worry, "are you okay?"

shaking his head, taehyung broke into tears, he couldn't quite pinpoint why he was crying anymore. he had just revealed his sexuality to jeongguk, something he had been certain of hiding for the rest of his life.

suddenly, taehyung's thoughts turned to yoongi. he looked over and saw yoongi lying on the couch with jimin applying ointment to his injured lips. taehyung hurried over, sitting beside yoongi and noticing the purple bruise forming on his lips.

"i... i'm sorry... shit i'm so sorry hyung" taehyung sobbed. to know he was the reason yoongi got hit, that person who was just trying to help him and had been by his side all this time was now in this state. the guilt, the pain were eating him out.

yoongi nonchalantly shook his head, luckily he hadn't broken his jaw from the punch but it still did hurt a bit to move his head. "now don't you dare blame yourself kid" he flicked taehyung's forehead who silently sobbed, now looking at jimin who was solely focused on yoongi's face, his eyes swollen from crying.

"i'm sorry jimin-ah... please forgive me"

jimin snapped from his trance and looked at taehyung, taking in the words before frowning, "why are you apologizing? it wasn't your fault! it's that bastard, i'm going to fucking kill him"

jimin's rage was intimidating but at that moment he couldn't even say anything in jeongguk's favour. obviously he wouldn't let anyone hurt his jeongguk but right then, he had nothing to say in his best friend's defense.

"hey" taehyung raised his head to meet doohyun standing there.

"oh doohyun... i... i'm sorry about all that." taehyung bowed his head as an apology and the man instantly told him not to.

"hey don't apologize! i don't know what happened and who that man was but you shouldn't be apologizing. are you okay? should i bring some water for you?"

"no, i'm okay. actually i should leave now" taehyung stood up, wiping his eyes with the back of his sleeve.

"what leave? stay, i need to rest up a bit" yoongi grunted when he tried to adjust in his seat.

"yes, we will leave together once yoongi feels better" jimin added.

"no, i troubled you two a lot tonight already. i... i need some space alone anyway. so please?"

jimin and yoongi exchanged worried glances and eventually agreed. what happened today was unexpected and cruel, to both taehyung and themselves. yoongi knew jeongguk was toxic that night he told taehyung to stay away from him. but he didn't think it would be this bad. jeongguk was intruding into taehyung's life and crossing boundaries, showing a level of control he shouldn't have.

taehyung must love jeongguk too much to go through all of that.
because no one does that for a friend who is always going over the line of friendship.

"i'm sorry again. and jiminie, take care of hyung and yourself" with a chapped smile, he left. taehyung could be so easy to read sometimes or maybe it's the situation because jimin and yoongi knew taehyung was probably going to cry and hurt alone tonight at home.

"that bastard is a psycho... why does tae even love a person like that?" jimin rasped out.

"let him figure that out" yoongi chuckled which he immediately regretted because of the wound. "ouch"

"i'll seriously kill that jeongguk"

⌗⌗⌗

the first thing taehyung noticed once he stepped out of the bar was the gentle patter of rain, a soothing sound in the dimly lit street. it wasn't pouring heavily; rather the raindrops fell delicately, creating a soft mist in the air. taehyung glanced up, seeing the shimmering droplets under the streetlights, casting a soft glow. he hoped he could catch the bus if they were still running amidst the evening drizzle.

however, the second thing that caught his attention was a figure crouching beside the exit. as his eyes fell on the person, his breath hitched in his throat. he locked eyes with the pair of familiar brown bambi eyes that no longer held anger.

the rain, though not heavy, still continued to fall steadily around them. taehyung noticed jeongguk's face and hair were slightly damp, as well as his black jacket and jeans.

despite being kicked out of the bar, jeongguk was here in the freaking rain at this hour. taehyung wanted to ask what he was doing but memories of the chaotic scene inside the bar flooded his mind. jeongguk had barged in, pulled him from the dance floor, caused a scene and even punched yoongi.

amidst it all, taehyung had confessed his sexuality to his homophobic best friend, the very person he secretly was in love with.

when it all came back to him, taehyung changed his mind. he looked the other way and began to walk off. jeongguk quickly stood up and ran after him, grabbing taehyung's wrist to halt him. taehyung flinched at the grip and reluctantly turned his head to look at the male.

because of the rain, taehyung might have mistaken the tears in jeongguk's eyes for raindrops, if it weren't for the noticeable redness around his eyes and nose.

jeongguk was crying. the thought churned taehyung's stomach.

"why didn't you go back home?" taehyung asked because it was clear jeongguk wanted him to speak first, to let him hear his voice. after doing all of that, jeongguk still expected so much from him and he was getting it as well. because taehyung is weak for jeongguk, even in a situation like this.

"i'm not leaving without you"

"and why is that so? you can go to mira"

"why the fuck would i go to her when it's you who i need?" jeongguk's eyebrows creased together. he swore to control his anger after what happened but when taehyung looks at him like he hates him and talks like he's a stranger throws jeongguk's entire world in disarray.

"you need me? for what?" taehyung's voice was laced with bitterness. "to make a fool out of me in front of the world? to hurt my friends and spew venomous words that you know hurt me and the people around us?"

jeongguk shook his head, his expression earnest. his intentions were never to hurt taehyung. he might not care about other people but if hurting them meant hurting taehyung then that was the last thing he wanted to do.

he held taehyung's hand with both of his and brought it to his face, rubbing the knuckles against his cheek. taehyung flinched, unable to handle this display of affection at the moment. he didn't want jeongguk to love him platonically anymore, but he always had a hard time pushing the boy away.

"i'm sorry... please don't hate me"

taehyung took in a deep breath, recalling every painful scene from inside the bar. it served as a reminder not to let his guard down, knowing that if he allowed this behaviour to slide today, tomorrow would bring more of the same- the pain would never cease.

so with a heavy heart, he harshly snatched his hand back and looked at jeongguk dead in the eyes. "you make it hard for me to not hate you"

with that, taehyung started walking away briskly, increasing his pace so that even if jeongguk followed, he wouldn't be able to keep up.

with each step, the rain intensified, pouring down relentlessly. taehyung shivered in the cold rain, feeling his clothes cling to his skin like a second layer. he realized he might catch a cold and end up with a stuffy nose from all the crying- so much just to have some fun.

taehyung emerged from the alley, the sound of jeongguk's voice lost amidst the heavy downpour. he quickened his pace, ignoring the calls behind him. the rain poured down relentlessly, blurring taehyung's vision and soaking him to the bone. his swollen eyes throbbed with pain, aching from both the rain and the tears. yet taehyung kept moving forward, each step fueled by a desperate need to escape.

suddenly jeongguk's calls grew louder, echoing over the sound of the rain, accompanied by the blaring honk of a car approaching taehyung at high speed. taehyung realized he was in the middle of the road only when the car's headlights and honking startled him.

he closed his eyes, bracing for impact but instead felt two strong arms wrap around his torso and yank him backwards, sending them both crashing onto the sidewalk. the car zoomed past so swiftly that taehyung couldn't even comprehend it was about to hit him if he hadn't been pulled back in time.

taehyung lay on the cold, wet ground, raindrops splashing onto his face. blinking against the downpour, he could feel his heart hammering erratically in his chest.

the arm around his waist tightened and then, he felt someone's warm face press against the side of his neck, hot breath mingling with the chill of the rain-soaked air against his skin.

taehyung saw from his peripheral vision it was jeongguk. it has always been jeongguk- saving him yet causing him endless pain again and again.

however, this time taehyung wasn't even sure if he was still alive. his body felt numb with fear and the vibrant sobs coming from jeongguk who buried his face in his neck and cried, were drowned out by the relentless drumming of rain.

at some point, the rain was making it hard for taehyung to breathe, so he slowly sat up. jeongguk did the same, wiping his eyes as if that would dry his red face.

they both stood up and before taehyung could register, jeongguk threw himself on taehyung, hugging him tightly- so tight taehyung again started feeling suffocated but he didn't have the strength to pull back. his body was immobilized, ready to give out in jeongguk's arms.

"i thought i lost you, fuck i almost lost you tae!" jeongguk lightly smacked taehyung's back with his fist, his gut wrenching sobs drowned in the sound of rain but not to taehyung.

he pulled back just to check taehyung's face and body and once he confirmed the boy was okay, jeongguk cried even harder, not even hiding it any longer as he hugged him once again.

staring into the distance with a blank expression, taehyung felt like he had lost his grip on reality. the potential consequences of his reckless behavior just now didn't even faze him.

it seemed absurd to him but amid the chaos, all he could think of were jeongguk's hurtful words, his actions and the mess between them. he missed the old them, careless and happy. his heart ached with the realization of how the love he bloomed for jeongguk in his heart had twisted their once beautiful friendship into something fraught with pain and suffering.

his hands moved instinctively, gripping jeongguk's arms and pushing him back to meet his gaze. taehyung noticed jeongguk's equally swollen eyes, perhaps even more swollen than his own. the sight puzzled him-why did jeongguk appear more wounded by all of this than he did?

"why?"

jeongguk blinked, his bambi eyes staring into his with the same softness.

"why don't you hate me? i am someone you are supposed to hate, gguk"

"you know i can never hate you, tae. you... shit, you are all i have" jeongguk sniffled.

"even if i like men? didn't you say they are a disease? mentally ill and has the brain of a pig? didn't you hate people like them? like me?"

jeongguk widened his eyes. he watched as taehyung stepped back, his red eyes looked so fucking tired. taehyung wanted to rest- not just physically, but mentally as well.

"you're not one of them..." jeongguk uttered.

taehyung's laughter rang out hollow and bitter in the rain-soaked silence. he felt a deep sense of self-loathing wash over him. what had he been thinking? to believe that jeongguk would accept him as he was-it was a cruel fantasy; that would never happen.

"i am one of them, jeongguk."

"n-no... it's a phase... you'll get over it"

those words hit taehyung hard, like a punch straight to the heart. he damn wished it was a phase as well but it has been several years and here he is, still so fucking in love with a man, with his best friend, with jeongguk.

"you won't accept me for who i am, will you gguk?"

jeongguk didn't speak. he just stared, lips trembling to say something but he couldn't.

the rain washed away taehyung's fresh tears.

he wasn't accepted.

a smile cracked through taehyung's heart shaped lips, "i'm sick, aren't i?"

"no-"

"how did you find my location? did you track me?" taehyung suddenly asked and jeongguk was yet again muted.

the other day, when taehyung came over for lunch with him and his mother, jeongguk had secretly shared taehyung's location with himself. he knew it was wrong, but the distance between them was driving him crazy. jeongguk felt the need to know where taehyung was going, who he was hanging out with and most importantly, what was changing him.

most of the time, taehyung's locations were his usual routes, and jeongguk was aware that taehyung often spent time with yoongi and jimin which kept him on edge.

today when he saw taehyung's location in a completely unfamiliar place-somewhere taehyung had never been-jeongguk couldn't resist the urge to find out what place it was.

he couldn't bring himself to tell all that to taehyung. his silence was worsening things but his eyes conveyed how it wasn't like how taehyung interpreted as. however, eyes enough weren't going to do the talking. taehyung wanted jeongguk to speak for himself, tell him what he actually felt.

jeongguk did none of it.

"stalking your guy friend... it's disgusting" taehyung chuckled bitterly, "but definitely not more than loving someone of the same gender, right?"

jeongguk shook his head. "you're not disgusting tae... i'll try to understand alright? it's you, you're different tae. you're not like the rest of them"

the rain had eased up slightly but it still offered enough cover for the fat tears cascading down taehyung's face. shit, his eyes hurt. so did his heart, his heart was dying.

taehyung silently wished for the rain to intensify, hoping that the downpour might drown out the next words he was about to say, sparing jeongguk from hearing them.

words he knew would haunt him for the rest of his life.

"what if i were to tell you, i have feelings for a man?"

"y-you do?" jeongguk's fists clenched.

"what if... that man..."

taehyung should stop.

he wished he had.

"...is you?"

━━━━━━━━