Short Stories

Ben: I want to take you out on a date. A real one. In public.

Erica: We can't! Nobody knows we're dating!

Zoe, Mike, Chip, Jawa: EVERYONE KNOWS!

Hank: It's pretty obvious.

Alexander: Erica, it's not that hard to deduce.

Nefarious: (playing video games in his prison cell) Yeahit'sprettyobviousthatyoutwoharboraffectionforeachotherbeyondtheplatoniclevelandIneedsomeCheetosplease.

Murray: (in the cell next to Nefarious) ... what Nefarious said. And bacon.

Tina: (screaming from Canada) DO NOT GIVE MURRAY ANY BACON! BESIDES, IT WAS EVIDENT THE MOMENT ERICA BEGAN DISPLAYING AFFECTION TOWARDS BEN THAT THE TWO WERE BOUND TO END UP TOGETHER!

Claire: (screaming from the UK) I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THEM THAT LONG, BUT EVEN I COULD SEE THAT BERICA WAS A THING!

Catherine: (parachutes out of nowhere) DID SOMEBODY SAY BER—

Cyrus: NO!

Hamilton: Heaven's sakes, woman! I ship it too, but calm down!

Woodchuck: C'mon, give the kids a break. And yes: it is VERY obvious. Remember Colorado? Hale had her eyes mostly on Ripley...

Erica: DAMMIT WALLACE!

Ben: (grabs Erica's hand) No, Erica. What did we say about angry reactions?

Erica: *mutters* Don't get physical unless in retaliation or in a life-or-death scenario.

Ben: And does this qualify?

Erica: ... no.

Ben: There. (kisses her cheek) Good girl.

Erica: (blushing) *grumbles* Shaddap.

Catherine: "Taming of the Shrew," much?

Jawa: YOOOO, I LOVED THAT PLAY!

Random CIA officer 1: We just got a message over the radio: "B-E-R-I-C-A is obvious. - SPYDER"

Random CIA officer 2: "P.S.: ND! +, ISTL!"

Random CIA officer 1: (opens book) According to my language guide, that is teenage speak for "no duh! Plus, I stuck that landing!"

Zoe: Seriously? Even Joshua Hallal and Ashley Sparks are aware of this? Wow...

Dane: (sitting in his prison cell) It was evident...

Leo Shang: (sitting next to Dane) OH COME ON! EVEN I SAW IT COMING!

Warren: (emerges from the forest in a ghillie suit) I AM AWARE OF THIS TOO! IT'S SO OBVIOUS! PLUS—

Chip: Oh, not you again! (shoots Warren with a bean bag round)

Alexander: Have you seen Catherine?

Hank: I haven't, actually.

Tina: Well, we can split up and try to find her.

Alexander: Hang on, I got this. *shouts* BEN AND ERICA ARE GETTING MARRIED!

Catherine: (pushes aside everyone and charges forward) REALLY?!? BEN'S GOING TO BE MY SON-IN-LAW?!? I MUST START PLANNING THE WEDDING!
Alexander: Ah, there she i—

Cyrus: (fast-ropes down from the ceiling) OH HELL NO!

Hank: Wha—

Erica: (screaming in the distance) I DON'T LIKE BEN!

Zoe, Mike, Chip, and Jawa: (shouting from further away): COMPLETE BULLCRAP TO THE THOUSANDTH DEGREE!

Hank: Congratulations, Mr. Hale. You not only found your wife, you found everyone else.

Ben: (enters the room with snacks for everyone) Hi guys! Did I miss anything?

Tina: Scratch that, now the squad is complete.

Alexander: (sighs in exasperation)

Catherine: Darling, where were you last night?

Erica: I was out.

Alexander: Mhmm. Something to do with the bite mark on your neck?

Erica: (hurriedly) Ben didn't leave that!

Catherine: Who said anything about Ben?

Alexander: Erica, I know I'm not the greatest person or spy in the world—thanks to literally everyone bashing the hell out of me—but how dumb do you think I am?

Erica: *internally* F*********!!!

Principal: Erica got into a fistfight.

Alexander: Oh boy... Did she win?

Principal: Are you serious?

Cyrus: No, no. I agree with Alex on this one.

Catherine: I think the more important question is what the context is, particularly who struck first.

Alexander: True, but did Erica win?

Cyrus: You didn't even teach her anything!

Alexander: I know, Dad, but can't I at least be concerned with my daughter's ability to defend herself?

Catherine: I still don't know the context for this fight!

Hales: *bickering intensifies*

Principal: *internally* What is wrong with this family?

Cyrus: Everyone understood the plan?

Ben, Erica, Mike, Zoe, Jawa, Catherine: Yes, sir!

Cyrus: Good, let's—why are four people missing?

Zoe: And where is the helicopter?

[explosion in the distance, followed by subsequent explosions and gunfire]

Catherine: Why do I have the feeling that was the target?

Mike: Maybe the helicopter had something to do with it.

[twenty minutes, later, a UH-60 Black Hawk lands and Alexander, Chip, Tina, and Hank step out]

Erica: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!?

Alexander: You were taking too long, so Chip suggested that we attack the compound.

Chip: Yeah! Tina and Alexander flew the bird while Hank and I manned the M134s!

Jawa: You mean to tell me that while Alexander and Tina were piloting, you and Hank destroyed the compound... with a pair of miniguns.

Tina: To be fair, they each had an M32 as well.

Jawa: ... a pair of miniguns and a pair of 40-mm grenade launchers.

Hank: Honestly, some of the most fun I've had in awhile. Got to bond with Chip, too!

Chip: Yeah, brother! I love the smell of explosions in the morning!

Alexander: Tina and I also took care of photos, and an MQ-9 above also watched over us. You can get the UAV's pictures from Langley.

Ben: ... Color me impressed. I think we're done here.

Cyrus: ... This may be one of the few times I can actually applaud your impatience. You four are crazy, but effective.

Cyrus: I'm glad to say that Alex and I have finally fixed our relationsh—

Alexander: (walks in) Sorry I'm late. I was getting my concealed carry pistol.

Cyrus: Nice! I've got mine in .45 ACP! You?

Alexander: 9 mm.

Cyrus: ... 9-mil...? (eye twitches)

Alexander: Yeah, it's—

Cyrus: YOU USE A PISTOL CHAMBERING A NAZI ROUND?!? WHAT'S NEXT, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE LONG HIPPIE HAIR, PREACH SOCIALISM, AND START DEALING DRUGS?!? GET OUT OF MY SIGHT, COMMIE!

Catherine: (narrating) And that's how our family broke up... again...

Temptress: (seductively) Hey there, cowboy... is that a gun in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?

Chip: Well... (pulls out compact shotgun from pants) IT'S A SHOTGUN! BEGONE, UNHOLY SHE-DEVIL!

Everyone else at the bar: ...

Hank: (sighs) Of all the vaccinations he could've taken, he had to get the thot vaccine...

Jawa: (turning towards camera) Say what you want about Chip, but I'm willing to bet that he ain't marrying or even dating a thot under any circumstances... 

Jawa: (looks at wall, notices empty shotgun holder) Bro, where's your shotgun?

Chip: Oh, I let Erica borrow it. She said she was going hunting today.

Jawa: With who, exactly?
Chip: Ben.

Jawa: But isn't Ben going to the airport to pick up Jessica?

Chip: Yeah... Erica also had a bunch of cleaning supplies, a shovel, a body bag, and... a... Men-in-Black-style... neuralyzer...

Jawa: ...

Chip: You don't think—

Jawa: Oh I think... you may become an accessory to murder.

Chip: I'll call the Hales.

Jawa: I'll get the tranquilizer gun and restraints.

Alexander the Legend

[In a CIA safe house in Mongolia]

Erica: (finishes working on the leg cast) There, Dad. That'll do it.

Catherine: (sets down plate of food and a mug of coffee) Eat up, Alex. You'll need it.

Alexander: *sleepily* Thanks.

Cyrus: Alex, why in God's name did you need me to pick you up in northern Siberia?

Alexander: *bashfully* I had a bit of a problem.

Erica: What did you do this time? And why are you wearing a hazmat suit, smelling of C4, and having a broken leg?

Ben: (enters with newspaper) Hey guys, remember the terrorist factory we were supposed to attack in a month, the one deep in southern Siberia, which we can't enter due to diplomatic relations? Well, it got destroyed.

Catherine: How, exactly?

Ben: Uhhh, something about a Mil Mi-17 loaded up with explosives. They couldn't find any fingerprints, DNA, you name it!

Erica: Grandpa, don't hazmat suits fully seal you from the elements, meaning you can't leave fingerprints or any hairs?

Cyrus: Yes... WAIT A MINUTE!

Catherine: Alexander, you have your pocket Russian-to-English dictionary, don't you?

Alexander: Yup. I still can't speak nor read Russian.

Ben: What's going on?

Erica: Dad... were you responsible for this?

Alexander: *sheepishly* I did mention that I had a problem... I forgot the parachute landing fall technique and broke my leg. Did you know that parachutes are relatively ineffective at low heights?

Hales: ...

Ben: WHAT THE ACTUAL HECK?!? YOU STOLE A RUSSIAN HELICOPTER, A CRAP TON OF EXPLOSIVES, LOADED THE RIGGED C4 INTO THE HELICOPTER, SET IT TO CRASH INTO THE FACTORY, AND JUMPED OUT OF THE HELICOPTER?

Alexander: Life lesson, Ben and Erica: never try to take matters into your own hands, because you need a team... (passes out, his face landing in his food, and eventually starts snoring)

Everyone: ...

Catherine: (sighs as she lifts Alexander's face, gently cleaning off the food) I suppose this is why Alexander was elected "Most Likely to Defy Everyone's Expectations" in school.

Alexander: Sure is muggy out today!

Catherine: (pregnant and irritable from hormones) Alex, don't tell me all of our mugs are on the front lawn.

Alexander: Naaahhhh... (sips coffee from bowl)

Catherine: *internally* Not even a father yet, and he's already making dad jokes.

Cyrus: Alex, you captured the wrong person!

Alexander: Dad, the other guy got away, so I captured her instead!

Erica: Dad, she's a much lower-ranking operative! She won't know squat!

Prisoner: (proceeds to have far more intel than the original target ever had)

Erica: ... How?

Alexander: Erica, I told you—

Cyrus: HOW?!?

Catherine: I believe this is a situation of using the wrong method, but still having the correct answer.

Mike: Give it up for Alexander, everyone! The master of doing it wrong but getting good results!

Cyrus: Alex, you're telling me that you can handle the weapons systems of an armed helicopter...

Erica: But you can't effectively use a pistol?!?

Alexander: ... yes.

Catherine: That makes no sense whatsoever!

Alexander: It's like how Erica can make fake conversation with almost anyone but still can't tell Ben that she loves him.

Erica: DAMMIT DAD!

Catherine: Darling, he's not wrong...

Alexander: They say you shouldn't bring a knife to a gunfight, and they're right... BRING AN ATTACK HELICOPTER!

[camera pans out to show Alexander in the pilot's seat of an AH-64]

Cyrus: (in the gunner's seat) This isn't what they meant, but you're not entirely wrong!

[on a phone call]

Erica: Dad, can you pick me up?

Alexander: Nope, you're too heavy.

Erica: What the heck are you doing?

Alexander: Your mom.

Erica: DAD— 

More Shenanigans

Ben: I can fit the whole world in my hands.

Erica: That's not possib—

Ben: (cups Erica's face into his hands) Are you sure?

Erica: (blushing) S-shut up!

Catherine: (in the distance) Yeessssss. Beeeericaaaaa.

Alexander: Cath, I know how you feel, but you're taking this a bit too far.

Catherine: (hisses in psychotic shipper)

Alexander: *internally* She needs to find a hobby other than Wattpad...

Ben and Erica: (having dinner in a romantic setting)

Cyrus: (1000 meters away with his sniper rifle) Go ahead, Ripley... make my night...

Catherine: (another 1000 meters away with her sniper rifle) You will not destroy my OTP, Cyrus...

Alexander: (running to stop them both) Note to self—take away their rifles and inject them with tranquilizers whenever Ben and Erica go on a date!

Chip: Son of a biscuit, I lost Jawa. Well, desperate times, desperate measures. *shouts* CHIP SCHACTER IS A BIG STUPID WALL O' MEAT!

Jawa: *shouting in the distance* HOLD THE HELL UP! WHO'S TALKING TRASH?!?

Chip: Ah, there he is.

Hank: *shouting in the distance* YOU'RE DARN TOOTIN' CHIP'S A BIG STUPID WALL O' MEAT!

Chip: Oh, the one person I didn't want to find.

Catherine: So, do you and Ben have pet names for each other?

Erica: No, Mom. We're not even dating!

Catherine: What do bees make?

Erica: Honey?

Ben: (shouts from the other room) Yes, dear?

Erica: ...

Catherine: Darling, don't you dare lie to my face again.

[at the gym]

Tina: So, things are going well?

Jawa: Yeah, they're going great! Did you come to the gym alone, or...?

Tina: Nope! Came with Hank.

Jawa: Nice! I came... with... Chip...

Tina: Oh, that's nice... wait, where are they?

Chip and Hank in the men's locker room: *fistfight intensifies*

Woodchuck: (stepping out of the shower) WHAT THE F—

Zoe: Sooo, you went on a date with Ben?

Erica: (sighs) Yes.

Zoe: OOOOOH, GIRRRRLLLL! Give me the tea!

Erica: Okay... black or green?

Zoe: What?

Erica: Black tea, green tea? I'll put a kettle on. Also, do you want cream and sugar?

Zoe: No, Erica, that's not what I meant!

Erica: Oh... iced tea, then?

Zoe: NO! Arrgh... the deets! Give me the deets!

Erica: (frowns) Why do you need the chemical that is commonly used in insect repellent?

Zoe: ...

Zoe: *internally* Why is she like this?

Zoe: (rubbing the sleep out of her eyes) Eh... what?

Erica: *whispers* Zoe, I need your help! It's about Ben!

Zoe: ...

Erica: ...

Zoe: HOW DID YOU GET INTO MY HOUSE?!?

Jessica and Ben: (talking)

Erica: ...

Zoe: Erica, you're awfully quiet.

Erica: Nobody plans a murder out loud.

Alexander and Cyrus: (land CH-47)

Catherine: (shouting at the kids) GET IN, KIDS! WE'RE GOING TERRORIST-HUNTING!

Everyone else at the school pickup line: (confused screaming)

Mike: Zoe, truth or dare?

Zoe: Truth!

Mike: What is your phone number?

Zoe: Dare!

Mike: Okay, give me your phone number!

Zoe: (laughing) Okay.

Zoe: *internally* Damn, that was smooth...

Erica: Why does the whole classroom smell like graphite... paper... and the ocean?

Chemist: Well, that's the closest thing we have to something called Amortentia. According to my lab partner—a Harry Potter fangirl—it's different for each person. It smells like whatever is attractive to them.

Ben: (walks in holding several pencils and a notebook while wearing sea spray deodorant) What did I miss?

Everyone: Oooooooh!

Erica: ... uh oh.

Zoe: Someone's in looooooove!

Erica: Yeah, right. I just think Ben's a good guy, okay? It's not like I lay awake at night thinking about him.

[at 3AM]

Erica: Oh no.

Zoe: Mike does not have a crush on me.

Jawa: Yes, he does.

Ben: Yes, he does.

Chip: Yes, he does.

Erica: Yes, he does.

Mike: Yes, I do.

Zoe: Please stop staring at me, Mike.

Mike: Am I not allowed to appreciate beauty?

[Alternate universe where Joshua never defected]

Joshua: Hey, Erica, I'm thinking of doing charity work.

Erica: You should donate blood.

Joshua: Wow, thanks—

Ben: Yeah, you should donate all of it.

Erica: (mutters) You look nice. I want to kiss you.

Ben: Beg pardon?

Erica: I SAID IF YOU DIED, I WOULDN'T MISS YOU!

Literally everyone else: Mhmm.

Ben: Congratulations, Zoe! You won the beauty pageant!

Chip: I was so certain that it would be the girl after you, though...

Cyrus: I just looked at the ballot box. Approximately 200 of the votes said Zoe, although 190 of them were all written in the same handwriting.

Alexander: That is odd... theories, anyone?

Mike: (hides pens and and ream of paper)

Ben: Before I get married, I want to taste every kind of cake with my fiancée.

Erica: You should get chocolate.

Ben: How do you know?

Erica: ... because I love chocolate.

Mike: Do you even like Zoe and me?

Erica: Of course I do!

Zoe: Name one thing you like about us.

Erica: Your best friend.

Ben: (blushes and grins like a madman)

Mike: Were we expecting something else?

Zoe: No, no we weren't.

Ben: (exists)

Joshua: Imma bout to end this man's whole life.

Murray: Uh, don't you mean his career?

Joshua: No.

Alexander: Did you two kiss in Vail?

Ben: No!

Erica: No!

Catherine: Double negative. That's a yes!

Jawa: I'll say it: you are way too protective, almost possessive, of Ben.

Erica: No I'm not!

Jawa: ... YOU'RE LITERALLY IN A HOLDING CELL FOR ASSAULTING A WAITRESS THAT FLIRTED WITH BEN!

Erica: SHE WAS A SKANK, OKAY?!?

Sheriff's deputy in the background: (facepalming) I sure meet the weirdos in this job...

So, what did you think? Be sure to comment your thoughts!

As always, thanks for reading! Until next time!

- ADF-2