More Antics

Zoe: Do you think Erica looks like a rodent?

Chip: (laughing) The heck? Where'd you come up with that?

Zoe: Well, if she does, then Ben must be Petruchio!

Mike: Wha—?

Zoe: 'Cause he tamed a shrew!

Jawa: Never talk to me after your Shakepearian literature class again.

Ben: I've done dumb stuff.

Erica: I've joined in on dumb stuff.

Chip: I made sure nobody caught y'all doing dumb stuff.

Zoe: I watched you all do dumb stuff.

Mike: I recorded you all doing dumb stuff.

Jawa: I TRIED TO STOP YOU ALL FROM DOING DUMB STUFF!

Burglar: (enters with pistol) This is a holdup—

Hale family: So you have chosen... death. 

[gunfire intensifies]

Burglar: (enters with rifle) EVERYBODY—

The squad: (each holds up some sort of firearm, whether it be a pistol, rifle, machine gun, or shotgun)

Chip: Everybody...

Jawa: ... what?

Burglar: (runs away while screaming like a little girl)

Ben: Tina, I need your help! It's a girl problem!

Tina: As in you like her, or you need to figure out a way to kill her and dispose of the body?

Ben: ... the first one.

Tina: (shrugs) Sorry, I could've helped with the other one.

Tina: Ben, why were you late for curfew?

Ben: I had a... meeting.

Hank: Oh? Does it have something to do with the bite marks on your neck?

Ben: *internally screaming*

Erica: [in her room] Now why did Mom tell me to give Ben liquid foundation?

[Ben and Zoe running throughout Spy Camp]

Zoe: Whoo! We made it! Could you imagine the look on Woodchuck's face if he realized we were late?

Woodchuck: (drops down from a tree, rolls, stands like a boss)

Zoe: That was... bloody brilliant!

Woodchuck: Thank you for that assessment, Ms. Zibbell. Would you and Mr. Ripley like me to get you two wristwatches? That way, you might be on time!

Ben: We got lost.

Woodchuck: Then perhaps some maps? I trust you won't require one to find somewhere to pop a squat!

Jawa: If Chip somehow had a prosthetic arm or leg, I'm fairly certain he'd figure out a way to weaponize it, or at least conceal a weapon in it.

Zoe: ... the fact that I can't see this as implausible is disturbing.

CIA instructor: You will be using military-grade weaponry.

Chip and Jawa: So we're getting crap, alright.

Jawa: She may be lookin' fine, but is her trigger and muzzle discipline fine?

Mike: ... you have got to stop hanging out with Chip.

Erica: I'm going to bed before you two come up with another brilliant plan to get us killed. Or worse, expelled.

Zoe: (turns towards Ben) She really needs to work on her priorities.

Erica: So... I think I have a crush on Ben.

Zoe: Congratulations, idiot! You're officially the last one to know!

Chip: Why'd you call me here?

Hank: Tina's stuck in a meditative trance! I can't do anything!

Tina: (is stuck in a state of peace from meditating for too long)

Chip: Hold on, I got this... (leans down to her ear) Hey, Tina. Murray Hill's over there. Want to say hi?

Tina: (eyes open) MURRAY HILL! (jumps up and grabs knife) WHERE IS THAT LITTLE SH—

Chip: There ya go.

Jawa: I like to be precise and engage my enemy from afar, being a qualified sniper and one of the squad's designated marksmen. However, I'd like something that has some utility in close-quarters battle. Thus, I roll with a designated marksman rifle as my primary weapon.

Chip: HAHA MACHINE GUN GO RATATATATATATAT!

Mike: There really are two kinds of people.

Zoe: Hmmm, it appears that I've lost Mike. Well, desperate times, desperate measures. *shouts* CHIP IS BEN'S NEW BEST FRIEND!

Mike: (shouting from across the room) EXCUSE ME?!? I HAVE BEEN BY THAT BOY'S SIDE BEFORE HE COULD WALK! HE BETTER NOT HAVE—

Ben: Ah, there he is!

Jawa: Here's the squad at 100% firepower (shows photo of everyone).

Jawa: Here's the squad at 99% firepower (shows photo of just Chip).

Mike: Don't you mean "power?"

Jawa: No, no, I meant "firepower."

Chip: (blowing up targets with an automatic grenade launcher in the distance) *maniacal laughter intensifies*

Jawa: I rest my case.

Jawa: Chip, it's fine. You just need some practice, then you'll get your date!

Chip: How in tarnation do you practice askin' out a girl?

Jawa: You just need someone to practice on! (turns around) Erica, pretend to be an attractive girl, okay?

Erica: ...

Erica: Okay, but I don't know if a heinous troll like me can pull it off.

Erica: I can't believe you roped me into this!

Ben: If we told you we were going to watch Secret Agent Moose, you would have never agreed.

Erica: That's because it's about a secret... agent... MOOSE!

Chip: I'm a simple man.

Jawa: True, but your personality is centered around the military, guns, outdoorsmanship, country life, Jesus, and the USA.

Chip: You act like that's a bad thing.

Terrorist: (exists)

Mike: *tactical sprint intensifies* Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa—

More terrorists: (appear out of nowhere)

Mike: *tactical retreat intensifies* AAAAAAAAA!

Mike: Sun's out, guns out!

Mike: ...

Mike: Chip, put your rifle away.

Jawa: (presents elaborate plan to assault the enemy position)

Mike: I got this. LEEROOOOOOY JENKINS! (charges enemy head-on)

Chip: (charges forward as well, unleashing a war cry and LMG fire)

Ben: WHAT THE CRAP, GUYS?!?

Catherine: Chip, this is an intervention. You're using up all of the 5.56 mm rounds while practicing with the M249.

Alexander: You need to stop. There's more to life than spewing 5.56 all over a range.

Chip: Give me an M240. Then I'm no longer shootin' 5.56, but 7.62!

Everyone: ...

Cyrus: THAT'S NOT HOW THIS WORKS!

Chip: But you said to stop shootin' 5.56—

Jawa: YOU NEED A DIFFERENT HOBBY, DUDE!

Catherine: You Americans need to use the metric system!

Chip: We know 9 mm, 10 mm, 5.56 mm, 6.5 mm, 7.62 mm, etc.

Catherine: NOT WHAT I MEANT!

Cyrus and Alexander: (dying of laughter in the corner)

Chip: (legitimately confused) Wait, you mean to tell me that there are applications for the metric system beyond the bores of gun barrels?

Catherine: (exasperated) ... YES!

Cyrus: Why is it, whenever something happens, it is always you?

Ben: Believe me, sir, I've been asking myself that same question for six years.

[On Halloween]

Alexander: Good eveni—what the heck?

The kids (minus Chip): 'Sup?

Alexander: Why are you all dressed like Chip? And carrying grenade launchers, machine guns, and automatic shotguns?

Erica: I have to admit, this is the scariest thing I could think of.

Alexander: ... Chip when he's given a lot of ordnance?

Erica: Everyone else agreed with me.

Everyone: *flashbacks of Chip on the artillery range intensify*

Zoe: We need a plan of attack!

Chip: I have a plan: (holds up an M32 grenade launcher) attack.

Chip: This mission was 100% successful.

Tina: We lost Hank!

Chip: Like I said, 100% successful.

Evil person: (exists)

Chip: (dons cowboy hat and cocks machine gun) You've done yee'd your last haw, turd!

Person: So, what do you do for a living?

Chip: I make cheese. Swiss cheese, specifically.

Person: Oh, really? Is it fun?

Chip: *flashbacks to him using an M2 machine gun to destroy a light tank, several trucks, and several terrorists* ... yes.

Catherine: Erica, what's that mark on your neck?

Erica: Just a mosquito bite.

Ben: (enters) Hi, everyone!

Alexander: Hello, mosquito.

Chip: (enters) Sorry I'm late! I was... doing stuff.

Hank: (enters, gasping and bruised) HE PUSHED ME DOWN THE F***ING STAIRS!

Chip: "Push" is such a strong word... more like I gave you a lil' nudge.

Hank: Oh, I'll give you a "lil' nudge" when I shove my boot up your ass!

Chip: HEY! Watch your damn language! There are ladies present, you jackass!

Tina and Hamilton: (facepalm)

Alexander: How are you, Dad?

Cyrus: I just have this headache that comes and goes.

Ben: (enters) Uh, guys? I've been threatened by SPYDER again.

Cyrus: Ah, there it is!

Zoe: You know, an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Chip: An apple keeps everyone away if you chuck it hard enough.

Erica: FINALLY SOMEONE AGREES!

Zoe: ... you're both hopeless.

Chip: (running with M14 rifle whilst singing along with a cadence on his phone)

I DON'T WANT NO TEENAGE QUEEN!

I JUST WANT MY M14!

IF I DIE IN THE COMBAT ZONE!

BOX ME UP AND SHIP ME HOME!

PIN MY MEDALS UPON MY CHEST!

TELL MY MAMA I'VE DONE MY BEST!

Everyone else at the Academy: *visible confusion*

Alexander: Oh no, he's been watching Full Metal Jacket again.

Jawa: (turns towards camera) This is why he doesn't have a girlfriend: he's in the self-improvement grindset.

Planning

Ben: I have a plan!

Mike: We're not all human calculators.

Ben: ... I have no plan.

Erica: I have a plan!

Ben: Erica, we need everyone alive.

Erica: ... crap.

Alexander: I have a plan!

Catherine: Alex, we can't use attack helicopters.

Alexander: ... I have no plan.

Chip: I have a plan!

Jawa: We don't have any automatic grenade launchers.

Chip: ... tarnation.

Zoe: We have a plan!

Mike: Yes, we can hack the database!

Cyrus: We're trying to capture a target. Besides, the circuit's closed loop and can't be hacked into.

Mike: ... we have no plan, as it seems.

Zoe: F***!

Cyrus: I have a plan!

Alexander: No murdering people, Dad.

Cyrus: ... damn it.

Jawa: I have a plan!

Zoe: We're not all as fit as you.

Jawa: ... never mind.

Catherine: I have a plan!

Alexander: You do know that Ben and Erica aren't old enough to have a marriage license, right?

Catherine: ... never mind. (pockets her notebook labeled "Berica Wedding Plan")

Chip: I have a plan!

Alexander: For the last time, we can't just call up the United States Marines!

Chip: ... dagnabbit.

Groups

[Area 51]

They can't stop all of us: Chip, Hank, Zoe

If we Naruto-run, we can dodge the bullets: Mike, Jessica

Please, don't go; they absolutely can stop you all: Alexander, Catherine, Jawa, Ben, Woodchuck, Tina, Hamilton

Have fun dying, LOL: Erica, Cyrus, Nefarious, Joshua, Dane

Actually goes to Area 51: Claire, Murray, Ashley, Leo Shang

Gets in: Warren

[what their custom T-shirts say]

Ben: Ah, ah, ah, aaaaaah! Stayin' alive... somehow!

Erica: If you can read this, you're too close.

Chip: Due to the rising cost of ammunition, I cannot provide warning shots anymore. Thank you for your understanding!

Jawa: Understandable, have a great day!

Zoe: I'm not short, I'm just more down to Earth!

Mike: A day without basketball is like... actually, I've got no friggin' clue.

Alexander: Call of Daddy: Parenting Ops

Catherine: Keep calm and eat chocolate!

Woodchuck: Hydrate or die-drate!

Hamilton: Ten years until retirement...

Cyrus: You're all equally worthless.

Joshua: I'm surrounded by idiots.

Ashley: #boycotttheolympics

Murray: I'm not addicted to bacon, we're just in a very committed relationship!

Warren: You can't see me!

Nefarious: I'm about to pull what's known as an epic gamer move.

Tina: You need an adult? I'm a resident assistant, and that's the next best thing.

Hank: I'm not loud, I'm motivating!

Jessica: #richgirlproblemsbelike

Dane: I am literally too angry to die.
Leo Shang: STONKS!

Claire: I'm not yelling, I'm British!

[F word]

Regularly says f***: Erica, Cyrus, Hank, Tina, Ashley, Joshua, Dane, Claire, Leo Shang

Has sworn off saying f***, but said it at some point: Alexander, Catherine, Mike, Murray, Warren, Hamilton, Woodchuck

Has not said f*** before but can if so desired: Chip, Jessica, Ben

Has not said f*** before, and refuses to say it: Zoe, Jawa

Legally cannot say f***: Nefarious

[How each of them get into the Salty Spitoon]

Ben: I completed a college physics course... without a calculator.

Erica: I fast-roped forty feet... without gloves.

Chip: I killed twenty people with a grenade... and then it exploded.

Jawa: I hit a target from 1000 yards away... with a pistol.

Mike: I beat Mariokart Wii's Rainbow Road on 200 CC... without falling off.

Zoe: I've publicly dissed Starbucks, Chipotle, and modern art... in a city full of hipsters.

Cyrus: I celebrated the Fourth of July... in the Soviet Union.

Alexander: I can fly a Black Hawk... without a copilot.

Catherine: I utilize the Second Amendment... in the United Kingdom.

Tina: I resuscitated a patient... just by telling him he didn't have my permission to die.

Hank: I ran students through my own version of Hell Week... and I did it with them.

Woodchuck: I survived jungle warfare exercises... without a knife or machete.

Hamilton: I protected the Secretary of State... with nothing but a pencil.

[Babysitting a case officer's kids]

Seems like a good babysitter, is actually good: Jawa, Zoe, Catherine, Hamilton

Seems like a good babysitter, is actually bad: Hank, Ben

Seems like a bad babysitter, is actually good: Chip, Alexander, Mike, Tina, Woodchuck

Seems like a bad babysitter, is actually bad: Erica, Cyrus

[On a calculus test]

Finishes quickly and accurately like an boss: Ben

Finishes quickly like a boss (but has the accuracy of an assistant): Mike, Murray

Takes some time, but is still in the 25th percentile of speed and accuracy: Erica, Jawa

Is average in speed and accuracy: Zoe, Tina, Hank

STRAINED THINKING NOISES: Chip, Warren, Nate

[Student: Hey, can I copy your homework?]

I'll help you with it! - Tina, Jawa

Yeah, sure. - Ben, Mike, Zoe

Bold of you to assume I did the homework. - Chip, Murray

LOL nope. - Hank

Wait, we had homework? - Warren, Nate

Read 5:55 PM - Erica

So, what did you think? Be sure to comment your thoughts!

As always, thanks for reading! Until next time!

Happy Easter!

- ADF-2