WARNING: MENTIONS OF INAPPROPRIATE CONTENT, INCLUDING DIRTY HUMOR!  NOTHING EXPLICIT!  RATED PG-13!  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

The Gang's Antics

Ben: In the end, we're all human beans.

Mike: And together, we will rice.

Zoe: Lettuce pray.

Jawa: Ramen.

Chip: Y'all, that was beautiful.

Erica: What in the world did I just witness?

Jawa: Chip can turn anything into a weapon.

Erica: That's... impossible.

Jawa: Trust me, he can use anything. Even an eggplant.

Erica: How do you weaponize eggplant?

Terrorist: (sobbing as he's being force-fed eggplant disaster by Chip) I'LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING! JUST MAKE IT STOP!

Erica: ... welp, I can't say you're wrong there...

[while working with US Navy SEALs]

LT: It appears that our prisoner is refusing to cooperate.

Erica: Time for some new tactics, then.

Chief: So, what kind of interrogation methods should we use?

Mike: Chip's cooking dinner now, and he'll serve it when it's ready.

LT: ... how exactly is this useful?

Jawa: He's cooking eggplant with every spice known to man, then burning it.

Chief: ... I knew you CIA people were sick, but that's just inhuman.

[a little later...]

Prisoner: (sobbing) PLEASE! NO MORE! I'LL TALK!

LT: ... I don't know whether to be scared or impressed.

The rest of the SEAL platoon: (impressed applause)

Chip: (laughs like a madman)

Murray: I'll never talk!

Ben: Okay, then. Chip's cooking dinner tonight.

Murray: Wait pLEASE NO I'LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING!

Chip actually trying to cook good: -__-

[the gang captured a SPYDER operative that tried to commit a terrorist attack, and now they're conducting interrogation - DARK HUMOR THAT MIGHT NOT APPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN]

SPYDER operative: I'll never talk!

Ben: Well, then, meet my interrogation team.

Ben: He is smoothness (points at Mike, who's the good cop interrogator with coffee)

Ben: He's is grace (points at Jawa, who's the bad cop interrogator with blackmail)

Ben: He will shoot you in the face! (points at Chip, who has an evil grin)

SPYDER operative: Wait, wha—

Chip: (cocks shotgun)

SPYDER operative: (confused screaming)

[or...]

Chip: So, what can I use? Punching? Electrocuting? Waterboarding? Blowtorching?

Jawa: No, Chip. You can't use any of those for interrogation.

Chip: *visibly disappointed* Awww....

Jawa: ... The first is a waste of your energy, the second is a waste of electricity, the third is a waste of water, and the last is a waste of natural gas. Obviously, you'd just use an electric drill! It's the most cost-effective!

Chip: (turns on drill) YAY!

SPYDER operative: (confused screaming)

[and now, back to your regularly scheduled antics]

Chip: (smiling)

Zoe: You're smiling. Did something good happen?

Chip: Can't I just smile because I feel like it?

Ben: Claire and Hank fell off the rappelling tower.

Ben: I'm gonna go play CoD with the boys. Bye!

Erica: *trying to be a supportive girlfriend like Catherine said* Bye! Have fun! You'll do great!

Ben: (leaves)

Erica: (immediately picks up phone) ... Dad? Ben said he was going to play "cod." What is that? Do they slap each other with fish?

Alexander: (facepalm)

Ben: ... and finally, 4 + 5 = 9, meaning that 9 is the sum.

Mike: So in the equation, 9 is the sum... BODY ONCE TOLD ME—

Zoe: THE WORLD IS GONNA ROLL ME—

Chip: I AIN'T THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!

Jawa: (bursts into laughter)

Erica: (face-desks)

CIA instructor: (yeets himself out the window)

Chip: What is a queen without her king?

Jawa: Worthless. (moves bishop) Checkmate.

Cyrus: Kids? Kids are dumbasses. Teenagers and young adults too.

Jawa: (recalls memories with the rest of the gang) ... I wish I could be offended right now but I can't be, considering that you're absolutely right.

Zoe: Tale as old as time...

Mike: Meme as old as vine...

Zoe and Mike: Beauty and the YEET!

Erica: Wha—

Ben: Don't. Questioning it only encourages them.

Erica: (reading paper) Grandpa, this plan says that you and I sneak around the back but everyone else engages in a full frontal assault.

Cyrus: Some of you may die, but that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.

Ben: ...

Jawa: ...

Chip: ...

Zoe: ...

Mike: ...

Alexander: ...

Catherine: ...

Murray: (sitting in the back in handcuffs) bRUH—

Zoe: Why can't you see things from my perspective?

The squad: ...

The squad: (bends down to match Zoe's height)

Zoe: NO, NOT LIKE THAT!

Burglar: 'Ello, girlie! (brandishes knife)

Catherine: (not holding a weapon, but maintaining a smug expression) Surrender now, you turd!

Burglar: Or what? This is the UK! Nobody has guns!

Catherine: Joke's on you, since my husband and father-in-law from America are visiting.

Burglar: Wait, wha—

Alexander and Cyrus: (cock rifles)

Alexander: *imitating Ewan McGregor* Hello there!

Burglar: (confused Britisher screaming)

Burglar: (brandishes knife) You can't do anything! We're in New York, so you can't possibly be armed!

Zoe: Joke's on you! I've got a farmboy houseguest!

Burglar: Wait, wha—

Chip: (emerges from the shadows holding a shotgun) *in heavy Southern accent* YOU PICKED THE WRONG HOUSE, FOOL!

Burglar: (confused New Yorker screaming)

Mike: Nice hands, Zoe!

Zoe: Uhh, thanks?

Mike: I bet they'd look great wrapped around my—

Chip: (while covering Jawa's ears) BIBLE! WRAPPED AROUND THE BIBLE! PRAISE GOD! AMEN!

Jawa: *visible confusion*

[in a bar]

Thot: You're a pretty big guy, aren't you?

Chip: *oblivious* I do believe so, considering my height and weight.

Thot: I bet I know what else is big...

Chip: My love for Jesus Christ, CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?

Wholesome biker gang and other patrons: AMEN, BROTHER!

Jawa: (dying of laughter in the background)

Thot: -__-

Murray: And after gaining your trust, I decided to reveal myself.

Chip: Please, there are ladies present!

Mike: (places Zoe on kitchen countertop) You're a snack.

Alexander: Please, I'm trying to cook here!

Mike: Meet my ex-girlfriend!

Zoe: You have got to stop introducing me like that! (turns towards person) I'm his wife.

Ben: Why are you lying down?

Jawa: I'm naught but contemplating the meaning of life...

Erica: We're in the middle of a firefight!

Jawa: Did you not hear my sarcasm?!? I AM LITERALLY IN A POOL OF BLOOD! GET A MEDIC!

The Green Berets they're working with: -__-

Green Beret Captain : Remind me again why we have to work with them?

Alexander: What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

Cyrus: Alex, I swear—

Alexander: One's really heavy, the other's a little lighter!

Catherine: (rolls eyes while trying to suppress giggles)

Erica and Cyrus: (slamming heads to table)

Alexander: What the f***?

Catherine: Language!

Chip: What the eff?

Catherine: Try again.

Jawa: What the sexual intercourse?

Catherine: NO!

Chip's Idiosyncrasies

Chip: Hey, pull into the drive-through. C'mon, Ben. You gotta eat to keep your strength up, brother.

Employee: Welcome. Can I take your order?

Ben: Fine, fine. I'll take a Number 9.

Mike: I'll get a Number 9 too.

Jawa: I'll have a Number 6 with extra dip.

Chip: I'll have two Number 9s, a Number 9 large, a Number 6 with extra dip, a Number 7, two Number 45s...

Ben and Mike: *in the driver and shotgun seats* (turn to look at Chip in disbelief)

Chip: ... one of 'em with cheese, and a large sweet tea.

Jawa: (shrugs as if to say, "that's how he rolls")

Ben and Mike: (face front, still in disbelief)

Claire: Colour.

Chip: Color.

Claire: Humour.

Chip: Humor.

Claire: Flavour.

Chip: Flavor.

Claire: What are you doing?!?

Chip: Getting rid of u, just like in the Revolutionary War.

Zoe: (blows air horns) TAKE THAT, LIMEY!

Mike: (sets off fireworks in the distance) MURICA!

CIA kids: U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! x 100

*Patriotic music intensifies*

Claire: (talking crap about the USA)

Chip: Didn't y'all go from ruling a quarter of the world to ruling a lil' bitty island smaller than Michigan?

The rest of the MI6 exchange students: ...

CIA students: (laughs in American)

Chip: Y'all got any tea?

Catherine: Sure, dear!

Catherine: (gives Chip a piping hot cup of Earl Grey)

Chip: *straining to be polite* ... er, thank you, ma'am.

Chip: Excuse me.  (leaves the room)

Chip: *angry Southern noises*

Catherine: ... Was it something I said?

[While the gang is in Japan]

Ben: Okay, so we're all here. What's for dinn—

Catherine: Wait, where's Chip?

Jawa: Oh, he just went to deliver a... report... oh no.

Cyrus: What's so bad about that?

Jawa: It was to the Marine Corps base at Okinawa.

Alexander: ... OH SH—

TV: Breaking news! An island in the Pacific Ocean was just destroyed by the US Marine Corps! It was entirely populated by terrorists planning to destroy the capital of the Philippines, so there were no civilian casualties and a massive attack was prevented!

The gang: CHIIIIIIIP!

[At Camp Lejeune]

Ben: Okay, I delivered the reports.

Jawa: Where is Chip?

Lance Corporal: Excuse me! I have a message (hands them a note before going away)

Mike: (reading note) Dear CIA officers: We're keeping Mr. Schacter, if you don't mind. He certainly doesn't, and the Raiders love him! Sincerely, Master Sergeant John Doe III

Jawa: ... what the actual—

[later...]

Alexander: ... so you're saying that Chip is hanging out with Marines... again.

Cyrus: Schacter with any military assets is destructive, but with Marines... yeah, whoever they're attacking is gonna die.

[explosions in the distance]

Alexander: (checking his phone) Oh, it looks like the Marine Corps just blew up a container ship loaded up with a terrorist cell off the coast of North Carolina.

Cyrus: I rest my case.

Ben: So, the reason you're all gathered here today is we've got an announcement to make!

Mike: What is it?

Erica: Let's just say that 1 + 1 = 3...

Everyone: *GASP*

Chip: The heck? Are you dumb?

Cyrus: Wha—

Chip: *oblivious* I suck at math, and even I know that ain't how it works! Look, bein' terrible at arithmetic ain't nothin' to celebrate!

Jawa: Uh, bro? A word?

Jawa: (whispers into Chip's ear)

Chip: ...

Chip: (steps outside)

Chip: *dying of humiliation* TAKE ME, LORD!

Everyone: (facepalms)

Shipping

Hamilton: Ripley! Come here!

Ben: Okay then...

Hamilton: Not you! I was asking for Erica!

Erica: Wait, did she just—

Woodchuck: Now, is there anyone's name I did not call?

Erica: (raises hand) You didn't call me!

Woodchuck: (checks roster) Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot to write your name... okay, Erica Ripley, you are present and accounted for!

Everyone else at Spy Camp: ...

Ben: HOL UP—

Ben: I have a question.

Catherine: Of course you have our permission to marry Erica!

Ben: That wasn't the question.

Alexander: (not looking up from newspaper) Our answer still stands.

Ben: So... Erica and I are no longer dating...

Catherine: WHAT?!? ERICA, WHAT DID YOU DO?!?

Erica: Wait, you're blaming me—

Catherine: WHO ELSE IS MORE LIKELY TO DO SOMETHING STUPID THAT RUINS THE RELATIONSHIP?!? I THOUGHT I RAISED YOU PROPERLY AND TAUGHT YOU HOW TO TREAT A MAN, BUT NOOOOO, YOU JUST DESTROYED MY SHIP—

Alexander: (notices ring on Erica's finger) Cath, honey—

Catherine: SILENCE! YOUR DAUGHTER JUST SUNK MY OTP—

Cyrus: GOOD LORD, I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS, BUT THEY'RE ENGAGED, YOU IMBECILE!

Catherine: ... REALLY?!? YES! I KNEW IT WOULD HAPPEN! OH MY GOODNESS I NEED TO START PLANNING THE WEDDING AND THE BACHELORETTE PARTY AND THE GRANDKIDS' NAMES—

Berica and Alexander: Wait CALM DOWN—

Ben and Erica: (sit next to each other)

Also Ben and Erica: (avoid talking about their mixed-up feelings)

Catherine: My disappointment is immeasurable and my day is ruined!

Jawa: Yo, Hale!

Erica: When are you going to stop calling me "Hale?"

Jawa: When you become a Ripley.

Zoe: (spits out coffee) WAIT—

Catherine: (crashes through window) I SENSE BERICA!

Chip: (casually at lunch) You know, your last name kinda sucks. It should be Ripley.

Erica: (drops fork) Did... did you just propose to me... for Ben?

Catherine: (bursts into mess hall) SAYETH WHAT—

Cyrus: (sending an email from France) EXCUSE MOI, QUOI DE LA F—

Principal: (announcing graduates) ... Erica Ripley!

[record scratch, "Pomp and Circumstance" stops]

Erica: ...

Ben: ...

The gang: ...

The Academy: ...

Principal: Oh shoot, I meant Hale—

Catherine: (bursts into the auditorium) NO BOI YOU MEANT RIPLEY—

Alexander: (physically restraining her) Catherine CALM DOWN—

Catherine: Berica!

Cyrus: Zen!

[SPY SCHOOL: CIVIL WAR]

Alexander: God, help me...

Erica: ... And I'll do it, or my name isn't Erica Ripley!

Ben: (walks in) Someone say my name?

Jawa: (sly look) Yeah, Erica, wanna repeat that?

Erica: HALE! I MEANT HALE!

Ben: Wha—

Erica: (leaves in embarrassment)

Calex Being Calex (VERY INAPPROPRIATE!)

Catherine: (explaining in immense detail why Erica and Ben would make a cute couple)

Alexander: (trying not to throttle Catherine for waking him up at 3:00 AM)

Catherine: Alex, your hand is on my arse.

Alexander: Sorry, it was an accident.

Catherine: ... Alex, your hand is still on my arse.

Alexander: IT'S STILL AN ACCIDENT!

[bonus]

Cyrus: There you are! Why are your pants inside out?

Catherine: Um...

Cyrus: And what's that mark on your neck?

Alexander: ... bug bite.

Cyrus: (quickly understands what just occurred)

Cyrus: (double facepalm) God, what have I done to deserve this?

Alexander: Catherine! I need your help with a wedding!

Catherine: Wait, what? Well, what do you need me to do?

Alexander: Be my bride.

[Alexander and Catherine are trying to do paperwork]

Alexander: Hmmmmm... [has no idea what to do]

Catherine: (stands and walks over to Alexander's desk) Alex!

Alexander: Oh, Cath! Sorry, did I disturb you?

Catherine: No... I just wanted to make sure you got something from me.

Alexander: What is it?

Catherine: A good luck kiss! (pecks him on the cheek)

Alexander: (stops dead in his tracks before a naughty grin forms on his face; he stands, picking up Catherine in a cradle-carry before relentlessly kissing her all over her face and neck)

Catherine: Wha—ALEX! (laughing) Stop it! Hahaha, that tickles!

Alexander: Too late! Besides, you've got it all backwards! I'm supposed to kiss the good luck charms!

[bonus]

Erica: (walks in, stares, then immediately runs outs, slamming the door)

Erica: I AM NEVER ASKING YOU FOR HELP AGAIN!

Alexander: (ceases kissing Catherine) GOOD! NOW I CAN FOCUS MORE ON MAKING OUT WITH YOUR MOTHER!

Catherine: (blushes)

Erica: OH MY GOD, DAD! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?

Alexander: (laughs maniacally) So much! Remember: it's gonna happen with you too when you get with Ben! Hales love sexy time with their women, or in your case, men!

Erica: AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

Catherine: What do you think of my pants?

Zoe: Nice! Where can I find some?

Catherine: The shop down the road. I got them 50% off.

Alexander: I'd like them 100% off.

Jawa: But that's not how sales or economics works.

Chip: Bro, I'm pretty sure that ain't what he m—

Jawa: Alexander, what are you thinking? That's a terrible way to run a business!

Mike and Ben: (facepalm)

Erica: O'Shea, are you for real?

Cyrus: (leaves)

Alexander: It's so hot in here.

Catherine: Yes, but why are you unbuttoning my shirt?

Alexander: (salacious grin intensifies as he pushes her against the wall)

Catherine: I'm glad you're here. I need to get something off my chest.

Alexander: Your shirt and bra...

Catherine: What?

Alexander: What?

Alexander: How much does your skirt cost?

Catherine: Only two quid, why?

Alexander: No reason...

Also Alexander: (yeets her onto bed and rips off her skirt) Honeymoon time!

Cyrus: *on phone call with Erica* Hello, Princess! ... I'm doing fine, just fine. Just a headache that comes and goes.

[sounds of Calex having honeymoon time intensify in next room]

Cyrus: Ah, there it is!

Catherine: (laughing) That's not even mistletoe!

[tree branch hangs above]

Alexander: (relentlessly kissing her) Woman, does it look like I give a damn?

[when Erica was younger... YES THIS BREAKS CANON]

Erica: Mummy, can I sleep with you tonight?

Catherine: Sweetheart, you're old enough to sleep by yourself.

Erica: But you still sleep with Daddy!

Alexander: (whispering loud enough for only Catherine to hear) Seems like both my girls call me "Daddy..."

[when Erica was younger... YES CANON IS STILL BROKEN]

Erica: Mummy, did you have nightmares last night?

Catherine: No, dear. Why?

Erica: I mean, when I have nightmares, I scream for Daddy too.

Alexander: (naughty smirk intensifies)

Alexander: The ladies love me because I'm a prince in the streets and a beast in the sheets.

Woodchuck: Show me where I asked.

Cyrus: Show me why I care.

Catherine: Show me.

Alexander: *jokingly* Cath, if you act up again, I'll put you across my knee.

Catherine: (muttering) Don't threaten me with a good time...

Alexander: What?

Catherine: What?

The rest of the CIA/MI6 personnel they're working with: *confused screaming*

THIS NEXT PART REQUIRES KNOWLEDGE OF FIREARMS...

Mike: How did you master the MP5 slap? I've only seen it this successful in CoD!

Alexander: (nonchalantly) I imagine that the charging handle is Catherine's butt.

Ben and Erica: (spit out water) EXCUSE ME WHAT—

Zoe: (falls over laughing)

Chip: Have you ever wondered what firearm each of us would be?

Zoe: ... how do you even come up with these thoughts?

Jawa: It's simple: Ben is a Colt AR-15, since he's a civvy; Mike's a Daniel Defense AR-15, being a cooler version of Ben; Zoe's an Heckler and Koch MP7, being small and mighty; Erica's an HK416, being the high-speed tier one chick she is; Chip's a US Ordnance M60E6, given that he's underrated, mighty, and made in America; Cyrus is an Browning M2, being old as crap but still kicking butt; I'd be an FN SCAR-H since I've got good long range capabilities with the ability to switch to close range; Alexander could be an M134, given that his skills are mostly limited to vehicles, though he is supremely qualified; and since Woodchuck's here, he'd be an Barrett MRAD, thanks to his adaptability, precision, and extreme range capabilities. As for Catherine... I'm simply not sure.

Alexander: Catherine's like an MP5: compact, lethal, reliable, gorgeous... and her butt is the charging handle.

Chip: ... I don't get it.

Alexander: (picks up MP5, loads in mag, slaps charging handle)

Woodchuck: ... OH MY GOODNESS!

Alexander: Hey, she has a fine as—

Everyone: ALEXANDER!

Alexander: *on phone call with Catherine* Behave, Catherine. You're on speaker.

Catherine: (teasing tone) Or what? You'll spank me?

Alexander: (without missing a beat) You're damn right I will when I get home, you cheeky little minx.

Everyone else in the briefing room: ...

CIA director: *internally* Note to self: get everyone to therapy once the meeting is over.

Alexander: If life is a game, I've won, and I've got a trophy to prove it!

Erica: Where are you going with this, Dad?

Alexander: (lifts up Catherine) BOO-YAH, I'VE GOT MY WIFE!

Catherine: (flustered noises)

Every other chaotic good husband: HELL YEAH, BROTHER!

Woodchuck: (dying of laughter)

Hamilton: ... I'm not even mad, that's hilarious!

Catherine: (enters) Sorry I'm late! I was... doing stuff.

Alexander: (enters) I'm "stuff."

Catherine: (face-desks in embarrassment)

Alexander and Catherine: (arguing for some reason)

Random MI6 officer walking by: *mutters* Just kiss already...

Alexander: (shoves Catherine against the wall and they start making out)

Random MI6 officer: I said kiss, NOT MAKE OUT IN THE HALLWAY!

So, what did you think?  Be sure to comment your thoughts!

As always, thanks for reading!  Until next time!

- ADF-2