its been like a year since i updated hi how are you

im doing just dandy 👌👌

except yknow the fact that like

hatsune miku exists

ok ok before you all fucking witchhunt me for hating hatsune miku just

calm down

or w e l c o m e t o y o u r t a p e

jk i wouldnt

first off: its my own opinion aight. im not making any of yall hate her just bc i do. you could have a fucking shrine of miku in ur room, idc aight, u do u my dudes

just

i cant stand her

shes not

ugh

maybe its because of the memories i have attached to her. idk.

but like i wish i could filter things out on etsy searches

because i fucking know i dont want a hatsune miku shirt, i want a macne nana print

but nOoOOO

shsjsh i just. i want one thing ??? i wish i felt okay with liking popular shit so i didnt have to complain about shit becuase ha i dont fuckinf matter nope WVERYONE HS IT FUCKINF WORSE THAN ME RIGhT

god my entire life was a bad idea at this point

i wouldnt be surprised if i was a mistake

ha

i dont have a place do i

god

ugh

#deletelater amirite aha

i lvoe joking about how mich i hate myself

for once i want someone to care

but nope

theres always someone who has it worse than me

and im always going to be putting myself second

so everyone else will be putting me last

because if i dont care about myself god why should anyone else

have i mentioned how much i relate to mother mother's music

they sing about being complete fuck ups and substance abuse and useless to society and ??? honestly i see so much of myself in their music like its not even funny anymore

if i think about it too much i start thinking about how nice it would be to lose myself in a downwards spiral because i hate myself

god i cant even be fucking poetic and shit about it because its three in the fucking morning and i was heading towards that midnight high but instead ive fallen down into this devil's depression or whatever and i cant think straight and i wanna cry and the only thing keeping me from crying is the fear of being judged by the posters on my walls because im paranoid and dumb and stupid and i dont deserve a fuckinf place here because every one of the characters on my walls have been through so much worse than i could ever think of going through but all i can fucking do is overanalyze them and obsess over someone who gives me so much fucking anxiety

god i should just die shouldnt i

but i wont

because im scared of dying

and im scared of what people will say

and god i've started responding to my deadname and she/her pronouns

and god its gonna happen again and god im gonna die

im actually gonna die oh my god

im spending a week with my grandparents who dont even know (or try to ignore) that im trans and

god they call me by my deadname and they wont stop talking about when i was a "little girl" and i hate it

i hate it so much

and i wont even have my mom there to cry to because she has her vacation blackout dates that week and she cant go to maggie valley with us

my dad doesnt understand and i dont know how to talk to him because he was hardly around when i was a kid so i dont know who he is and he's never even tried to offer support he's just asked why

just why

why do you do the things you do

why cant you draw real art

why do you call your old name your deadname

why are you doing this

and he just goes on about how much it hurts that i changed my name and he always says shit like "you seemed fine with it before" yea you dipshit seemed fine not was fine you cant fuckinf read my mind you shit excuse of a father

and im scared of him

im scared of every member of the male gender because of him

and his constant getting drunk and yelling

no scratch that

sometimes he wasnt even drunk, he just got upset at the smallest things

he asked the other night if he was the reason i apologize so much

i didnt have the heart to tell him no, so i lied

i lie to him all the time about stuff like that

because yes he is the reason, he's the reason i'm scared of men, he's the reason i apologize so much, he's the reason i stopped drawing ponies so now i dont get as many commission sales because i didnt work at drawing ponies because any and all pony drawing was "mY LitTLe PonY"

"but its your little pony" shut the actual fuck up do you understand how fucking awful that feels, as a teenager, to be talked to like theyre a fucking 4 year old

to be treated like they cant handle grief

he waited over half a fucking year to tell me what happened to my cat because well i dont even fucking know why

but she was my cat

i deserved to know what happened to her

not dream about her for half a fucking year and wait for her to come back

god i promised myself i wouldnt dump my personal shit here

sorry if i triggered/upset any of you guys

and i know people have it worse so,, please keep that out of the comments i dont know why i put all that there

im sorry i

god

i wish i had chase and sandy here god i miss them both so much

sorry there i go again

i wont do anything like this again i promise