We were silent as I started the jeep, and as we drove up my grandmothers street and away from the family...we stayed that way.

The silence lasted five minutes, the longest five minutes I've ever had to endure. It wasn't because we had nothing to say... I think it was rather that there was everything to say and neither of us knew where to start.

Millie's perfume, mixed with the scent of her skin, ufff, inhaling it in such proximity sent me on a journey through my mind, of memories that I couldn't escape.

It was only when she reached between us and turned down the music that I dared look her way.

"Wren, are you okay" she asked unsure. "We don't have to talk yet... if you don't want to. I hope you know that"

I shook my head "It's not that" I return quickly. I didn't want her to think my silence was my uncertainty... because I wasn't uncertain about anything when it came to Millie, most definitely not the way I felt about her or the future I hoped we had.

"Then?" She questioned. "Is it because you're afraid to hurt me...because it's okay if what you have to say... isn't what I want to hear. I promise I will be okay... if you don't want me around anymore, and if you don't love me...or you are seeing someone else"

"What?" I ask a little agitatedly "no" I shoot back "no that's not... Millie why would you think...how could you think that...I" and I'm all a muddle, realising in my silence that Millie had come to her own conclusions... which of course were mostly negative endings to this journey of 'us'. I pulled into the nearest parking lot which happened to be on the beach.

I parked the jeep in a vacant space, the nose of the vehicle touching the sand in front of us. The waves crash in the distance, sounding like a freshly poured soda fizzing through the open windows.

I turn in my seat so that I'm facing her, she takes my lead and does the same. She removes her sun glasses and folds them over the top of her white sleeveless shirt. They force the slit in the material to lower down her chest, revealing the soft skin between her breasts. I look away, not wanting to take that trip down memory lane at this exact moment in time. It's not lost on me though, how delicate the buttons on that shirt look, or how they would be scattered over the floor of this jeep right now if this moment was six months previously. It's not hard to concentrate though, once my eyes meet hers, light brown eyes that looked back at me with so much affection. The crease however, above the bridge of her nose, it let me know she wasn't quite sure if it was returned.

I take my sun glasses off too, and place them on my lap so that she can see what I am seeing, a reflection of her in my eyes... and an affection that can't be masked "I didn't stop loving you just because we broke up" I explain.

Her eyebrows arch upward as she opposed what I said "I didn't break up with you"

"Yes you did" I return.

"We were meant to be on a break" she reminds me.

"Well, to me... we were broken up" I explain. "A break seemed to me to be the same thing. We weren't speaking, weren't in each other lives, and both of us left alone that night...for the foreseeable"

She takes a deep breath and releases it "I see what you mean... but, I never intended that break to be forever. Broken sounds like we are unrepairable and won't ever be fixed... but a break... a break can be healed and fixed and return to it's working form"

I reach over and brush a speck of something from her cheek. She closes her eyes the instant my finger tips touch her, her hand coming up and holding me there against her skin. "I missed the way you explain things" I whisper.

Her eyes flutter open "I missed... everything" she replies, her gaze holding me in front of her with such love I can feel it whether she ever confessed it or not.

She smiled softly and released my hand. It dropped back to my lap "That's actually a lie... I didn't miss being dragged to the gym at five am"

I lose all control of my face, smiling so wide that I feel the tightness of my cheeks. I laugh a little at the memory "I only got you out of the apartment once to do that"

"Twice" she corrected. "It's hard to forget"

"Three times would have made you a member" I say, humoured by the thought of Millie attending a gym full time.

"Exactly... I couldn't ever go back. I can confidently say that I've broken up with the gym" she returned amused, but completely serious.

I knew Millie hated the gym... or quite honestly any form of exercise that didn't involve our naked bodies pressed against each other. I was always quite content to work her out personally at home.

"So, it's unrepairable" I ask, "between you and the gym" I add, lightening the mood.

"Yes... unlike me and you" she throws back. "That is something I would like to repair ... over time... if of course you felt you wanted to"

I shake my head in disbelief, smiling, and wanting to roll my eyes. I couldn't believe she had to ask. I sit back and admire her, she sees it and knows my answer, and smiles ever so slightly "I want to" I confirm.

"Good" she says, not breaking the eye contact "but I have to ask this time... are you sure you're ready? I don't want to start something if one of us isn't emotionally and mentally ready for it. I know I'm better. I took that time and explored my pain, and let myself feel it. I'm ready to move on. Are you there yet? Are you doing okay? I don't want to lose you a second time Wren. I can wait"

I look away, to the ocean ahead of us, and I watch the waves drag back the sand... and I feel an affinity with it. I was taking my life back, like the ocean, one grain of sand at a time... and to me... Millie was the entire damn beach.

"I'm much better... I know that's what you want to ask. I know, that I hurt you with the drinking and the partying ... and the way I pushed you away. I hate that I couldn't just be mature enough to recognise that at the time and leave before it got to that. I should have been the one to ask for a break. I'm sorry. The last text I sent you shouldn't have been so childish and immature... but I was so desperately Sad Mills. I wanted to get gone and just punish myself for even existing. I'm just heartbroken you got dragged into it"

"It's okay" she replied, trying to lessen the weight of it on me.

"It's not" I explain "I had a lot of pain... but I never wanted it to be felt by you. You didn't deserve that. I've done alot of therapy ... and a tonne of work this summer on myself. I know that I have some still to do, and I will continue it, but that's just the work most people need to do for themselves. Self care, self love, positive affirmations and self talk. I'm trying to build myself up and not tear myself down"

"Let me help" she offered, reaching out and softly running her fingers over my hand. I looked down and my eyes wondered over her fingers caressing my skin, and up her slender arm to the pink of her lips. No lipstick on today. Red lipstick hadn't stained my body in so long... and as I catch her teasing smile I see she's already read my mind "I didn't mean help like that" she confirmed.

I shake it off "I don't want that" I say without realising how bad it sounded.

She whipped her hand back, and looked mortified, but in a humoured way "then don't have it" she laughed.

"I'm sorry" I said taking both of her hands and pulling her back toward me "I meant that I don't just want that... it's not what I want right now. I just want to talk... and to laugh. I want us to enjoy each other again without that"

"You want to be friends" she asked, seemingly lost now in what I was trying to say.

"No" I say strongly, lifting her right hand and turning it, before placing my lips to her wrist briefly, and placing a gentle kiss "I never want to just be friends. I'm sorry I'm clearly not being transparent enough... the fact is I'm hopelessly in love with you. You know that. I want you...and only you. Millie I want that forever. I just want us to go slower... no running toward it. We have time... it's not a race"

"Well that's good ... because I haven't run since the noughties" she joked.

I kiss her wrist one more time before letting it back down to my lap slowly. "Funny girl... won't you date me...maybe"

"Maybe" she replied teasingly. "Depends"

"On what" I said with a lift of my brows.

"Whether there's anything you need to tell me first... is there?!" She asked a little more seriously.

I frowned "tell you" I asked "like what" and of course my mind goes straight to the the girls I slept with and then the momentous mistake with Ava.

"Are you moving to California" she asked me instead.

The relief that flooded through me "no" I say as my heart beats out of control. "It's only training camp"

Millie lifts her hand and places it against my chest, right above the dreamcatcher "what's got you trembling little bird" she whispered.

She had only called me that once before, when I fell to the floor in her office and landed at her feet. It did things to me.

I was though, I was trembling... and scared. I knew we weren't together when it happened... but I did have to confess my actions, or I would never feel like we could start this journey in the way it should be. Healthy.

"I don't want you to ever think less of me" I say, as tears form behind my eyes.

She reaches up with both hands and takes my jaw in her hands, caressing my cheeks with her thumbs. "I wouldn't" she promised "whatever happened whilst we were apart, or whatever you are scared to tell me... it won't change that I want you Wren. You will never be less to me. I don't even need to know. It's not important"

"It's important to me" I explain, as tears roll down my cheeks, and glide down her hands.

She released me and softly brushed the tears away before they met my lips.

"Then tell me" she asked "get it off of your chest. I don't want you haunted by anything else... not ever again"

I nodded and wiped my own face dry as she sat back and I did the same. "I was trying so hard to forget everything... I just wanted to be numb. I didn't want to feel the pain anymore... and so I did everything I could ... including drinking too much, and also-"

"You slept with someone" Millie filled in the gap, like she knew it had been coming.

I nod.

"We weren't together" she reminded me.

It wasn't an excuse though "I know, but it was wrong... I felt it in here" I say touching my chest "the moments after... and it hurt so much that I did it again a few weeks later, and then again a week after that. Millie I used it as form of torture... of myself. I didn't even enjoy it. The first time I even cried... as it was happening... I cried. The girl was so drunk she didn't even notice"

Instead of being disgusted, Millie reached out and pulled me into her arms, right across the centre console. She held me then, as I remembered what I had done and she let me cry... despite the fact it must have hurt her to hear it. "I'm sorry that you felt so much pain that you hurt yourself like that" she whispered.

"Do you want to know details" I asked her, as I sniffled and wiped my eyes. I didn't want to have to tell her more, it would only hurt her.

She shook her head and held me against her chest "no... I don't care about the details. I only care that you are here with me now, that you are okay, and that you were honest with me"

I was relieved, because I knew if she had to hear about Ava, she would be so hurt, and I would have again, caused her pain.

I sat up and gathered myself. "before I take you to your car... I really want to know how you are" I ask.

I still didn't know the details of Veda, or if Millie found what she was looking for in Oklahoma... and I had no idea what the drama was with Moira. I wanted to know every detail of what I had missed, and I wanted to know that she was okay too, and that her demons were fought. If Millie had been with anyone else, it was of no concern to me, and I really didn't want to know.

"Okay... you drive... and I'll give you the low down" she offered.

"Deal" I returned. I slid back into my seat and buckled up, starting the engine.

We made our way back on track to my grandparents lake house and Millie began to fill me in, firstly on her travels with Norman. I had laughed so hard my stomach hurt. The details of her discovery of Veda made me quiet as I concentrated on every detail and took in every word she said, and every feeling she had had.

"I wish I had been with you... whilst you've been going through all this" I had said. I regretted how we had parted to deal with our pain and not worked through it together. I knew though, how we couldn't have.

"She seems a lot like Olympia" I note, of Veda.

Millie's laugh is melodic as she nods in agreement "she's not unlike her... shall we say"

"And how has it been at my grandparents and being around my family... have they driven you completely insane" I asked.

I couldn't believe that Millie had been here, spending time around my family, willingly. It felt so strange, but I loved it too, that she had got to know them without me.

Millie didn't say anything, but when I looked over I could see she had tears in her eyes. "It's been..." she paused and nibbled her lip anxiously "it's been so wonderful" she finally said.

I hadn't known what she was going to say, but her glossy eyes had me concerned that they had somehow broken her.

"They haven't driven you insane" I ask with relief.

She gathered herself and reached over to take my hand in hers. She held it between us, like she had just wanted to be touching me and connected in some way.

"I mean, Mary's soap operas have. At first I had to learn who all the characters were ... but they go so slow... the scenes... that I picked it up pretty quickly" she revealed.

My goofy smile was back "she has you watching Days doesn't she"

"Oh absolutely... every day...we have a routine established" she tells me.

I shook my head and looked back to the road again "what's the routine" I ask, keen to know how her time had been spent so I felt as if I had been there.

"Allie set it to record every day at one... whilst Mary is usually napping, and so after dinner time I stop by and we watch it together..."

"Whose we" I ask curiously.

"All of us" Millie says laughing "obviously everyone's been home for the summer... so we've all been sat with her. Honestly... this is going to sound absolutely ridiculous... but the highlight of my days the last two weeks or so... has been sitting with your grandparents and Veda, having dinner and catching up with that soap opera. Mary is in her element when it's on. I think I speak for all of us when I say we watch her reactions to the show just as much as we watch the TV itself"

The feeling that washed over me and through every inch and fibre of my being to hear the woman I loved talk about my family in such a way... it was euphoric ... it was glorious... it was so overwhelming I wouldn't ever be able to explain it and do it justice.

I knew already, that Millie fit, but I had no idea just how perfectly.

"I love you" I confessed "I love you so much I can't even explain... Millie I can't lose you again either... this has to be forever ... because if not what else do either of us even exist for... if not for each other"

She hears my panic and squeezes my hand "I'm here... and I'm not going anywhere. I love you a ridiculous amount too" she says.

I just love you a ridiculous amount
Oh, completely ridiculous

"Oh, completely ridiculous" I returned. "Beyond"

She smiled and leant over to kiss my cheek. It was only a brief kiss, but it made butterflies flit through my belly.

The rest of the drive I had filled her in on camp and Clark and all of the drama with the family too. She told me about her Mother being distant and acting weird and how she was going there tonight to figure out what was going on, and to finally tell her about Veda.

I don't know why, but something inside of me knotted up when I thought about Millie going alone. If she was about to get hard news or find out something she didn't want to hear... I wanted to be there. I was strong enough now to support her without breaking myself.

"Can I come with you" I asked, as we arrived back at my grandparents home.

I tried to avoid my great grandmother on the stoop waving at me excitedly, Grandma Jameson, so that I could get my answer first and feel relief, and not worry, twisting my guts.

"She wanted me to go alone" Millie explained.

"Please, just let me drop you off there at least, to see all is okay" I beg.

She smiles softly and nods "Okay, fine"

I excitedly bolt out of the Jeep to go see my great grandmother. Mary is in her wheelchair beside her and just as excited to see me.

"Hey great granddaughter" Grandma Jameson says as she hugs and kisses me.

"Hey Wren" Mary greets as I drop down and hug her too.

I was so relieved she was still here.

"Teach" Mary adds with a wicked smile as she looked between us both "reunited I see"

"We've been catching up" Millie explains.

Mary winks "I bet"

***