Success.

It's what the majority of Jefes strive for. Our names don't go down in legacy books without our actions backing us up. But success doesn't come easy-- it takes comprising your morals, becoming morally grey, and carrying the burden on your shoulders.

It changes you, whether you want to or not.

It's something I wanted to prove to all the haters-- essentially my papa. He's always taken the cake at taking me down to the lowest of the low. It's been this way for years. Papa torments me, and my mama swoops in to save the day. It could be over the pettiest of things, but my papa never left his mind unspoken.

Lately, I have taken his complaints with a grain of salt and propelled the familia to the top. Decimating the Velazquez's familia unveils the true power the Morterero familia holds. The remaining familias will think twice before going against us. We're stronger than we've ever been with committed soldiers.

There's just one minor problem-- I broke one of the sacred rules.

Don't get high on your own supply.

I exhale deeply, staring at the tiny ziplock bag in my grip filled with the white powdery substance. The drug taunts me, muttering in my ears like a spell. I'm itching for it, scratching every part of my body as if I was covered in chicken poxes. My body aches, drenching the sheets with sweat. This motherfucker is going to be the death of me.

I knew it.

I knew it the second I snorted it-- I would regret it.

But I wanted-- needed peace. My inner demon spirals through my thoughts, clinging to my utmost insecurities. A killer, a murderer, a taker of souls. All I wanted was to protect the love of my life, but the consequences were ripping me apart. My demons whisper how it's an excuse, and I wanted to kill Luka from the beginning.

How I'm using Mika as a way to make myself feel better about the way things turned out.

Snorting heroin silenced the voices in my mind. It was pure euphoric, like being teleported to another dimension while walking on soft, cushion clouds. A false sense of security until I crashed back down to earth. Everything shifts-- unable to get up for hours, feeling sluggish and heaviness in my bones. It's a bittersweet high, leaving me craving for more and more.

I know it's wrong to find security in a measly drug instead of my girlfriend, but I don't want to fail her. She carries enough burden to leave a person drowning in a bottomless lake. I want to make her proud. Be the man she deserves, not the shell of the man I'm being right now. I wanted to scream and shout and let it all out.

I can't sit with only my thoughts any longer. Groaning, I reach for my cell phone on the end table and plug in my airpods. My romantic playlist automatically plays, filling my ears with a slow song. I raise the volume until it can't go any louder, trying to ignore the hindering voice in the back of my head.

Fuck.

I want another hit.

So fucking bad.

I don't know how much longer I can hold on.

Suddenly, I'm hit with a filthy sock, and I jerk upward to catch Mateo poking through the door. My eyes widen, stuffing the ziplock bag underneath my pillow as I take out an airpod. I shouldn't feel embarrassed, but the back of my neck burns as if I was sunbathing with no sunscreen.

"Didn't mean to intrude, Jefe," Mateo says, fixing his tie. "There's been an incident at the warehouse. It was raided a few hours ago, slaughtering a dozen of our members. They took our supplies and left the storehouse in shambles. It's the Hernandez familia."

I nod my head in tune with the information. "What's your suggestion?"

Mateo leans on the door, his eyes flickering to mine. "Attack them tonight. They won't expect it. Besides, we need our supplies back. We're behind our orders as it is. Ultimately, it's your decision, Jefe."

"Alright. Fuck it. Let's do it," I say before I can regret it.

Before exiting the room, Mateo bows and pulls out his phone, calling the familia to meet us downstairs in twenty. Whatever. I needed something to keep my mind occupied. Anything is better than letting the drug, my inner demons, win. Rubbing my eye with the back of my palm, I open my closet to my pristine, clean set of Armani suits.

Black works best, especially if I plan to stain the sleeves with blood. Or should I try white? My body could be the canvas, decorating the suit with their tortured blood. Fuck it. I'm going to do it. Maybe disguising the events tonight as a painting will soothe my nerves? Frustration seeps through my veins as I play with the ends of my tie, trying to figure out the appropriate way.

The corners of my mouth tip down. My weary green eyes stare back at me through the mirror with dark bags under them. I haven't slept more than three hours in two days. Mika has been preoccupied with work to stay the night with me. She's my favorite blanket-- I need her to sleep, or I'll spiral and take another hit.

Since accepting my proposal, Mika has decided she's over with Diablo's Paraiso. It was all her decision. Obviously, I wouldn't like my wife sleeping with other individuals, but I don't want to overstep my boundaries. She loves me-- not them. Mika should be free to make money in the way she wants-- it's her right, but I wouldn't lie and say, I'm not jumping with joy at her resignation. We have enough money to do anything we could fucking want.

Twenty minutes flash like race cars on the road, and I bolt downstairs to my waiting crew for the night. All twenty-five of them form two lines and leave a pathway for me to make my way to the front of the line.

"Let's get this over with." I sigh, squeezing the bridge of my nose.

We hop into our black trucks, storming through the streets like soldiers in their battle tanks. The area gets sketchier as we drive past the suburban district and trade wounds for a quiet rural location. This familias just doesn't give up. We have this entire state in our surveillance-- if we want to find them, we will. I didn't think we had to prove ourselves again this quickly, but what else can I do?

One mishap and we sink-- I can't fail.

Pacho watches the surveillance cameras on his cell phone as he plops a tootsie roll in his mouth. He nudges my shoulder, offering me candy, but I refuse. Nothing tastes the same anymore. I barely feel like I'm navigating my own body anymore. I'm just doing what I need to do to prove myself. Apparently, it's never-ending.

I didn't get the memo that being a leader meant selling my soul away. The truck breaks in front of a dramatic warehouse guarded by golden lion statues. Their mouths are open, displaying their fang teeth with a look of strength. It's somewhat ironic how they're using the lions to portray their familia when they're more like koala bears.

We're true lions- savaging our way to the tippy top of the totem pole.

Julian hops from the truck, opening my side door to let us out. Pacho gets off first, and I follow, rusting my fingers through my hair. Mateo flicks his hair back and stuffs the locks underneath his cap. Then it finally hits. The anxiety trickles through my bloodstream, intoxicating my thoughts in ways alcohol does. My hands tremble beside me, ferociously enough that I need to hide them in my trousers pocket.

A cold sweat attacks my body even though the atmosphere is hotter than usual. If only I was high, I would be perfectly calm. The drug or Mika, I'm going to need one of them to survive the night. How can I be a leader when I'm rotting from the inside out? My stomach falls queasy as I feel my breakfast climbing up my throat.

Mateo squeezes my shoulder, scaring the fucking daylight out of me. "Don't worry, Jefe. Julian will be by your side the entire time. We won't have a repeat of the Luka situation again. You don't need to get any more blood on your hands."

"Mmm."

It's not a good look to have my bodyguards babysitting me. I know I'm the most valuable part of the team, but I need to hold my ground. There's been a few rumors spreading through the familia like a wildfire. Several members don't believe I had the balls to blast Luka's brain on the wall.

To be honest, it's half true.

I didn't have the balls, but Mika brought out the dormant bear.

"Should be effortAbout two people are guardingarding the doors leading to the main room with the ringleader. He's fooling around with our drugs," Pacho informs us, stuffing the cell phone in his back pocket. "Even easier."

"Pacho and Julian, lead the way," I command, merging myself in the middle of the group.

It's almost like I'm Mr. Tipton, with my own people cornering around every part of me, so I'm left with no blind spots. Julian jerks his hand back, taking out two of the men guarding the entrance of the warehouse. There are no sounds because of the silencer on the barrel. The embarrassment is getting to me.

I don't want to be shielded like an immature child anymore.

Regardless, I'm going to hell. None of my pure actions can siege the horror in my despicable acts. Maybe it's always been my fate. I can live with Mika in the afterlife, which I consider a success. Mateo smiles at me with sincerity, only fueling the annoyance in the pit of my stomach. Should I bite the bullet and make a mark?

We're halfway in the warehouse, bodies slumping to the ground with a bullet between their eyebrows. My hands are clean, but figuratively, I'm sentencing everyone in this perimeter to death. They deserve it. They went behind my back, but my humanity hums in my ear like an annoyingly catchy tune.

I'm not listening.

I'm not listening.

I'm not listening.

Without even a second thought, I push through the barrier around me and expose myself to everyone. My battery is overcharged with anxiety, but I'm utilizing the energy for adrenaline and bolt into the main room. My stare burns into the back of the fucker's neck, and I take three long strides toward him.

A random fucker pops up from the corner, stepping in front of me to intercept. It's good that I came prepared to spill blood. I place one hand on the guy's shoulder and slice across his throat, opening a gash as thick as a pen with the razor-fine blade of the knife. He grasps his bleeding throat, profusing blood down his neck. There's nothing but whistling silence as he sinks forward, landing softly on his knees.

The sound is enough to capture the attention of the fellow toying around with my drugs. He cranes back, staring at me passively, and reaches for a weapon in his vest pocket. There's no point-- I look him dead in the eye and pierce the side of his neck.

He falls forward as I yank the blade out of his neck and stare at my familia, their eyes wide with pure terror. The entire room is silent, but for the pattering of blood from the tip of my knife to the floor. The adrenaline flows through my bloodstream, causing my heart beat to go irregular. I can hardly register the consequences of what I've just done for my sanity.

"I don't need to be watched over anymore," I say, tossing the knife to the ground and leaving the mess to be cleaned by them.

It isn't until I hop into a truck, gripping the steering wheel, that I lose my blurry glaze and realize the clarity of the events from the night. My entire body trembles with need, and I tense at every crackle in the quiet night. The drive home purpose is to clear my head of all the sinister thoughts, but I'm riddled with them.

Why did I kill them? I'm drowning in the guilt over murdering Luka. Now, I have another two bodies added to my body count. There's no justification anymore. Nothing that truly matters, at least. I lost my level head and tumble into a cave of darkness-- no light in sight. I'm a murderer because I wanted to be.

I kill because I'm a fucking sad excuse for a human.

I kill because, in some wicked way, I grasp onto the thread of pleasure and feed off the dissembling of others. What the fuck is wrong with me? Luckily, I'm in front of my house in time to spill the remains of my undigested breakfast, along with my last shred of dignity. My orange vomit stains the blackened cobblestone parking lot.

I need it.

It will make everything go away. I need the peace, the security, the cloud nine feeling. Take a short detour in sleeplyville and float aimlessly on the bedsheets until I'd enough-- anything to silence the voice in my head. I thought I was strong, but I'm unraveling under the pressures society, my papa, and the famila placed on me.

I won't waste another second.

I slam every door, making my presence known until I reach my room. Hopping into my bed, I seize the ziplock bag on the end table and spill the powder on it. Using the ends of the plastic bag, I stack the powder into a firm line and inhale in one go.

It takes a second, but the euphoric feeling hits like a semi-truck, and I release a gasp of relief as my surroundings melt like paint dripping down a canvas. It's like taking a rocket to the moon. No, wait. It's fucking impossible to explain-- it's something you need to experience. Things get eerily quiet in the best way possible as my eyes flutter to a close.

----

"Asiel."

"Asiel."

"Asiel!"

My body jolts forward, unable to handle the dryness in my throat. My eyes squint from the brightness of the fluorescent light and struggle to extend a muscle. This part sucks. The after-effects of being high as a kite and mentally sluggish, but I push away my irritation when I'm met with Mika's twitching lip.

She has the ziplock bag in her hands.

Fuck.

I fucked up.

Mika pinches the bridge of her nose and exhales a deep breath. "For the love of Christ, Asiel, please tell me this isn't what I think it is."

My mouth falls open, but words barely come out because of the dryness in my throat. Frustration lingers in her irises as Mika steps forward, gripping my cheeks and getting a longly, look at my eyes.

"A-Asiel." Her voice cracks, evoking the guilt to plague my veins once again. "What are you doing?" She drops her face into the palms of her hands, her shoulders tremble before drying herself clean. "It's my fault. That's why you were bleeding during our engagement, right? Because of the heroin?"

I nod, forcibly clearing my throat. "Yes. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry, Princesa. I didn't want to burden you."

Mika's face twists with disappointment. "When have I ever made you feel like a burden to me, Asiel? You're everything to me. You're my sun, but that doesn't mean you don't have your dark days. Did I not make myself clear?"

Tears form in my eyes within a nanosecond. "It's not you, Mika. It's me. You already do basically everything for me, and now I'm dropping another problem on your lap. I fucking feel like shit, Mika. There's nothing I can do to prove myself to you."

Without warning, Mika pulls me into a hug and wraps her arms around my neck. "If only you could see yourself from my point of view. You have superpowers. You're fearless, hardworking, and innocently pure. Asiel, you're what I strive to be like."

My pain fills the room. Tears stream down my cheeks. Everything feels tight and broken.

"I'm sorry." My shoulder shakes as my sobs intensify. "Mika, I'm so fucking sorry. All I see is a weak man. I'm sorry, I kept everything from you. I just can't take the guilt anymore. It's swallowing me whole. I don't think I can handle it anymore. Why couldn't someone else kill him? Why did it have to be me?"

Mika kneads the back of my head. "I don't know. This is the very thing I wanted to protect you from, and I failed you." She moves back, leaning her forehead on mine. "I should've died. I much rather take the bullet than let you go through this."

My eyes shot open. "No, don't. Either way, I would've been fucked. At least in this scenario, I have you to save me from my downfall."

My heart flutters when Mika connects our lips for a short-lived kiss mixed with sorrow, tears, and love. "Things will get easier. I promise. I'll be here every step of the way, okay?"

"Okay."

Guys, I'm sorry, but Asiel fell into the deep end 🥺🥹 he tried it. He just wanted to feel peace. My poor baby! Why do I make him suffer?

But so happy Mika caught him before it went further and further. Asiel is already addicted 🥹🥺... it's going to be a pain to get him off.

Though the bittersweet of the ending because of how strong their bond is 🥹❤️god I love them. Lmao they're such a good couple, right? Like they make sense?

Thank you for all your comments and I can't wait to read them all! They always make me laugh because I'm evil.

Love ya❤️💜❤️💜❤️💜