My mattress sinks as I dive back into it with my freshly made bag of popcorn. Puffs tumble from the pouch onto the hot pink bed duvets. With one hand, I stuff my mouth full of popcorn and scramble through the HBO catalog using the controller. The buttery crisps grind on my teeth as I swallow and repeat. Silk lace cami nightdress is adorned with wrinkles, looking worn out.

Fifteen dollars a month for this shitty catalog. Seriously. My eyes roll as I restart Degrassi from season one again. Frustration. Boredom. Guilt. It's disgusting how deep the shame has taken root. No amount of distraction is able to erase the sensation in my chest. Why do I feel like this?

My finger reaches in to pick up the kernel that fell from my lips to my boobs. I toss the kernel onto the floor already, dreading having to vacuum later. My hand rests on my necklace, feeling the edge of a circular object-- his purity ring. The silver band glimmers under the crystal-pendant chandelier's yellowish hues, the indents of italics under my fingertips.

After reading the contents in my diary and digesting the whirlpool wild rollercoaster of information, I asked Diablo to give me a break. I didn't feel like being fucked like a rag doll. I didn't feel like socializing with anyone. But out of everything, I didn't have the energy to face him again. I don't even understand why I feel like this!

That's enough self-loathing.

Back to Degrassi, a place with adequate drama to overshadow the sorrowful, shallow puddle I built for myself. Manny Santos, a queen, a legend, my spirit animal even at the prime age of twelve, she was destined for greatness. Much like me. Popcorn thrust out from the bag as the vibration from my phone scares the shit out of me.

With a scolding face, I peek at my phone fully, expecting to see him calling again. He's been nonstop, relentless this entire weekend. If it wasn't phone calls, it was messages. I stop reading them after the first day. They only functioned to make me feel shittier about myself. To my surprise, it wasn't Asiel.

It was Tania.

"Hello?"

"Hey babes, are you coming to the club?" The worried voice of Tania asks through my phone.

I perk my lips. "Probably not. Why?"

Tania sighs heavily, her breath making the speaker crackle. "Well, your little Muneco is here, and he's stinking drunk. He's asking for you, Mika. Practically begging for you."

I thrust another handful of popcorn into my mouth and mumble, "Which one?"

"Asiel!" Tania exclaims, her voice bursting my eardrums. "He claims you've been ignoring him. This fucker has been clinging onto me like I'm a tree. If he was interested in fucking, and giving me extra cash to spoil myself, I'll be totally down. But all he wants to do is sulk about you. Yawn. Boring. Come get him, Mika. Save us both."

"He's that drunk?" I say, my voice lower than before.

"Very. Mika, please!" Tania begs, her voice dragging out the syllables. "I don't want to deal with a drunkard! Dragon is roaming around, and I'm craving his cock. I will not miss my chance because of your selfishness. Save the poor boy."

I laugh. "Oh, so your boyfriend is more important than helping a girl out."

"He's not my boyfriend," Tania protests, giggling like a schoolgirl. "He just has a juicy, thick cock. You know, I love those. Now, stop changing the subject. Come get him."

"I don't feel like it." I sigh with a mix of frustration and exhaustion. "Ask Diablo to help you."

"Mika, stop being a stubborn bitch," Tania adds. "He looks seriously messed up. He's crying over a million things. Honestly, he's very chatty drunk, and I get distracted easily. But it's obvious he is losing it without you. I don't know the state of your relationship, but be the big person for once and help him out."

My heavy sigh fills the line. "You're such a whore."

"Is that a yes?"

I roll my eyes. "Yeah. Yeah. Whatever. Eat Asiel's ass while you're at it."

The sound of her lips puckering and the kissing effect travels through the line. "Love you, babes."

I don't bother replying.

I simply hang up.

Destiny is determined to reel the guilt from my chest like a fish out of water. Quickly, I throw on a pair of comfy leggings and an oversize sweater to combat the chillness of the night. I don't have an ounce of energy to doll myself up. It's like I'm a lifeless corpse, moping through life without a purpose.

I'm losing my purpose, my end goal.

My hand grips the chain on my neck, desperately wanting to crush it with my fingertips. Why did he give this to me? Why did he have to say he loved me? I'm about to get all I ever wanted, but at what cost? Does the dreadful despair ever stop, or will I go on like this forever? I don't have the heart to break the chain. There are so many sentimental feelings wrapped in this stupid thing.

The soles of my sneakers crunch on broken branches, roughly grinding into the cobblestone floor. Doubling clicking on the key, the engine roar to life and unlocks. Jumping in, I turn the key and switch off the music station. The tires scrape the asphalt streets as I proceed onto the highway.

A lump forms in my throat as I get closer and closer to facing the very person I've been ignoring. It battles with the knot in the bottom of my stomach, clenching and unclenching to the point it's unbearable. I'm almost tempted to flee. To drive into an ocean and get swallowed up by the waves. Nothing could feel worse than how I already do.

My lips tip to a small smile as I wander past my co-workers, giving them friendly waves. The strip is completely dark despite the stage lights, casting a purplish hue on the individual on the stage. Like a magnet, my eyes float in Asiel's direction, his head down. His black disheveled suit clings to his body, and his midnight black hair is tousled, hiding his face.

But I don't need to see his face to know he's in misery. That's all I ever brought him. He deserves someone better. Someone that isn't a monster. The suffering just radiates off of him, suffocating the room with its cruelness. Besides all the varieties of feelings overflowing through my veins, a large part of me feels pulled to him. Like this is what I am meant to do.

To give him a night of comfort.

"Asiel," I call with the slightest pinch of worry in my voice and shuffle a few more steps forward. "Muneco?"

His head jolts upward, and the agony in his irises softens up as he meets mine. I chew on my bottom lip and wrap my arms around myself, trying to minimize our eye contact while Asiel looks like he's in disbelief. Silence spreads between us once again, but it doesn't last long. Before I could react, Asiel's arm engulfs me in an intimate, warm hug, cradling the back of my head as I fall into the spell of his musky cologne.

"Mika, I miss you like crazy. I've been going crazy trying to get a hold of you," Asiel sniffles, stroking my head. "I was so worried something happened to you. Or that I pushed you away because of what I confessed. I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I need you with me, always."

"It's okay," I reply, squeezing my eyes shut. "I'm okay. I promise. I fell sick and didn't have any energy to do anything but lie in bed. I'm sorry, Muneco. I didn't mean to make you worry about me."

Asiel pulls back an inch and places a warm kiss on my forehead. "Hey, don't be sorry, Princesa. I understand. You work so hard and deserve a break. It's my fault for acting like a manic and losing the sense of reality without you."

"Thank you for understanding."

A boyish smile pulls at the corner of his lips as he connects our forehead close enough for me to smell the alcohol on his breath. "These three days without you have been the worse days of my life. It doesn't help that my childhood friend passed away too. I'm just so happy to finally be with you again."

My heart crumples under the rubble of shame. "I missed you too, Muneco. But I didn't want to burden you with my fevers."

"Mika." He interlocks our fingertips, admiring how perfectly they mesh together. "You will never be a burden to me. I want to take care of you through sickness and health. Until we're old and grey. Forever and always, I'm going to be here for you. I want to be here for you."

"Let me be here for you," I whisper, squeezing his palm.

His brows pinch together. "What do you mean? I'm fine."

A laugh comes from my throat as I take a few steps back, only for Asiel to lose his correlation, and I scamper to catch him. My shoulders carry the bulk of Asiel's weight as he explodes into a mixture of chuckles and tears. He's definitely an emotional drunk. My eyes float across the dance floor to see Tania smirking, grinding her ass on Dragon. I think.

"Okay, Asiel," I force out my throat. "We're going home, okay? You're not in the right state to be drinking right now. Besides, you're already trashed beyond belief. You need to sleep it off."

"With you?" Asiel flashes his wide emerald puppy dog eyes.

I nod. "Yes. With me."

"Are you going to cuddle me?" Asiel slurs, his voice soft and sweet like honey, and almost trips over his foot.

I snort lightly. "Maybe."

As I struggle to drag Asiel to the elevator and into the car, he's mumbling incoherent words and making the job a million times harder. He practically slumps into the passenger's seat, his body contorted like a pretzel, and his head slants on the center console.

When a heavy sigh escapes me, Asiel squirms and mumbles, "Please don't leave me again. Stay the night. Stay with me forever."

A pinch of guilt resides at the bottom of my stomach as I keep my lips shut and pull out of the parking spot. Besides shifting in his seat every two seconds, Asiel doesn't utter a word as he dives into the dream world. My emotions are colliding, fighting against each other to take dominance. Guilt. Shame. Strong desire to flee, but also to cuddle with him through the night as if I wasn't the villain in his story.

The engine shuts off when I remove the key, and I slam the door shut, causing Asiel to jolt forward, banging his head on the dashboard. Asiel groans with his eyes closed and his lips protruding into an adorable pout. Wow. Not only is Asiel a clumsy, chatty drunk, but an adorable one.

With his arm on my shoulder, I carry us through the gate and up the staircase until I reach my unkempt bed. My mattress creaks when Asiel's body makes contact, shifting him to his side in case he pukes. I blow onto his face, pushing his locks off his sweaty forehead, and drape my light blanket over him.

Perfect.

As I'm leaving to go get aspirin in the kitchen, a hand locks around my wrist, holding me back. Asiel's eyes light up like fireworks on the fourth of July as he tugs me closer.

"Don't leave me," Asiel pleads, moving over to give me room on the bed.

I avert my gaze. "I was going to come back. You need aspirin. The headache is going to hurt like a bitch."

Asiel shakes his head. "I don't need it. I only need you right now. I need to hold you."

Pulling my hair into a ponytail, I flip over the duvet and squeeze myself into the space Asiel left for me. He jumps to wrap his arms around my frame, pushing us together until every single part of us is touching. Butterflies roam in my stomach, giving it a squeamish feeling. Painfully sweet. Asiel's chin rests on the crown of my head as one hand strokes under my ribcage and the other rubs circles on my cheek.

I slowly tip my head back to look up at him. His moss-green eyes glow in the soft chandelier lights shining above, admiring me like one of his masterpieces.

"Be truthful with me, Mika," Asiel begins, licking his lips. "Did I scare you away the other day? You started acting different ever since I said it."

My face tenses. "No."

With raised eyebrows and a quizzical cock of his head, he asks, "Why do you insist on lying?"

My eyes close, wanting to drown in his musk, eternal scent. "It's a habit," I admit, sighing deeply. "My defense mechanism. Vulnerability gets you nowhere in this world. It's hard to break something wired in my brain."

My frame tenses when his lips make contact with my forehead, nose, and cheek. "I get that the world is fucked up, and we shouldn't expose our vulnerabilities, but I'll never use them against you, Mika. We're a team, a pair, an unstoppable team. Forever and always."

"I'm tired."

I switch onto my side to turn away from him. I don't want to talk anymore. I don't want to listen anymore. His words cling to my humanity, reaching a part that's been dormant my whole life. Why did I let the lines get so blurred? Asiel wasn't the first man I've gotten to fall for me and suck their soul dry.

I lived for the conquest, the game, and the power I gain over these brainless men. The facade of having my love made these men give me everything until they were broken, broke, and depressed. That's when they got their clingiest, and I blacklisted them from the club or imprisoned them by using Diablo's police connections. But then I chose Asiel Morterero as my new prey.

A friendly, naive, heart made of gold twenty-two-year-old Mafia leader that rather hurt himself before subjecting others. The direct opposite of what I am. He has a beautiful soul in his imperfect ways. For the first time, I feel so ugly, undeserving, unworthy. All because my thawing heart decides to come out of hiding.

I hate him.

He's making me lose my mind, my beauty, my sanity.

Black circles have become my best friend since Asiel. I don't fully understand why someone like him gets under my skin and now, my involvement in his brother's murder-. No, I can't think about that. He's nothing to me. Just another game, another ploy. So what if I killed his brother? He raped me, killed my best friend, and deserved it.

I had every right.

Right?

Softly, I rearrange myself onto my other shoulder, facing a sleeping Asiel as his chest rises up and down. Mika, if he is just a chess piece in your game, then why is your heart thumping against your chest? His black eyelashes rest over his cheek, obscuring his beautiful emerald eyes from view. His mouth is relaxed. My hands reach to caress his cheek, wanting to treasure the way his skin jerks from my touch. I'm being a total fucking creep.

Shaking my head, I lift into a sitting position with my elbow hoisting my body upward until Asiel grabs my arm, and I've fallen into his hold. A sharp exhale of surprise leaves my lips as my eyes widen, crumbling under his gaze. So, I look away.

He whispers, "Please look at me."

Anxiety shoots into overdrive as my eyes float to meet his. "I'm afraid to."

Asiel raises his hands to cup my face. He's holding me like I'm glass. He's holding my face and looking at his hands like he can't believe he has caught the girl everyone wanted. His hands are shaking, just a little bit, just enough for me to feel the slight shudder against my cheeks. These hands are perfect and endearing and tender. These hands have me crumbling like a house of cards.

He leans in, so carefully. Both of us are frozen, out of breath, staring at each other. My skin is tingling. My heart rate goes erratic with something as simple as gazing into each other's eyes. Why?

"Why are you so insisting on pulling away?" Asiel whispers, his face hot. "Let me be the man you deserve. Open your heart to me and love me. I don't care how desperate this makes me look, but I'll wish on every shooting star for your love. Open your heart, Mika."

I drop my gaze to distract myself from the way my chest constricts. "I am."

He deeply sighs, using his finger to lift my chin to face him again. "Mika, I carry you with me at all times. This." Asiel points at his chest. "My heart belongs to you. You're always with me. But I don't think I'm in your heart."

His vulnerable words form a knot in my throat.

Asiel drags his finger down the slope of my jawline, leaving a trail of flutters in its wake. It's silent again. As a tidal wave of emotions overwhelms me, and I'm left lost, searching for a lifeline. To my persona. When I didn't have these yucky feelings harboring in my chest. But it's like I'm shredding my shell, changing into a person I never thought I could be.

My eyes flutter shut in defeat, and I whisper, "You are."

Asiel sniffles as his lips hover over my forehead, his breath warm. It's annoying to know how much I crave these moments to feel his lips at a vulnerable time like this.

Against my skin, he mutters, "I love you." With his hands cradling my head, he tugs me into his chest and places his head over mine. I snuggle into his body, fitting like a pair of peas in a pod.

A shocking feeling swells in my chest, making it harder for me to breathe.

I have to stop this.

Before, it's too late.

Before I dive off the diving board, and drown in the ocean name, Asiel.

This chapter is another one of my favorite moments! Like the sweet, vulnerable moment in the end, them gazing into each other's eyes!! LIKE SIGN ME UP!!

Did I give you guys the butterflies? Because I had myself going insane lol! Mika is really going through it. She doesn't want to accept she has feelings for someone 🥺🥺I feel so bad...

But also like JUST ADMIT IT ALREADY!! Lmao what do you guys think she's going to do to try and prove she still in control of her feelings?

Thank you for reading this chapter and I can't wait to read all your comments! Love ya❤️💜❤️💜❤️