my mom is apparently having a control crisis today because she came home earlier and jsut picked up my phone and went through my social media and all of my apps (some of which are queer as fuck and also not rated g language-wise) and then was like 'you have an instagram? friend me' and then shamed me for having my name as grey on there i mean luckily she didn't go through my wattpad but like i don't want to feel bad for choosing a name i like and which suits me and that's what she did also she insisted on taking my phone tonight and like i powered it off and everything so at least if - well, let's be honest, when she goes on my phone at least i'll be aware of it, but i mean i have so much stuff on there which is so personal to me and anything and everything could be against what she likes which would mean loss of privileges including my phone and the already slim chance i have of getting a binder which generally means my sense of trust and happiness and i'm actually shaking a little as i'm typing this (from my computer, mind you) and i'm really worried because although it may seem dumb i put a lot of stock in being able to have my freedoms on the internet because in real life i'm constantly misgendered and misunderstood and treated like shit (mostly by my parents but by other people too) and online is the one place i'm able to reach out to people and be myself and feel like myself and really connect with people and i'm so scared of losing that sense of security but that might be what happens and i'm just so done with all of this bullshit and just constantly being concerned and paranoid ,, i've already said this so many times but this is a perfect time to reiterate how much i fucking love you guys and this space i have to connect with people, even if my phone is taken away i can still talk to you guys and reach out through this website and i just really appreciate that ok i have to try and sort out my brain enough to write an essay now but i needed to let some of this frustration and anxiety out so Lucky You uh yeah i'll go now