Sometimes I don't know why I even try.  I hate when people only text me when they need something, or we have to discuss something important pertaining to a particular event, assignment, etc.  I hate that I'm stupid enough to help people and keep letting them in when all I get is backlash.

I hate that I'm such a disappointment.  I hate that I'm such an easy target for people to let their anger out on, to yell at.

I hate that no matter how hard I try, I'm never good enough at anything.  I hate that no matter how much more I take on and do well in, I'm still a mistake, and I still can't be trusted.  I hate that I can't have even the slightest amount of freedom.  I hate that I'm not even given a reason.

I hate the fact that I have faint red lines on my left arm constantly staring at me day in and day out.  I hate that they taunt me and force me to hold back tears, even if I just quickly glance down at them when I'm at my happiest.  I hate that I've started drawing back over them.  I hate that it's all just unconsciously happening, and I only realize before it's too late.

I hate that I only have two people that I can really talk to, and I rarely ever see them.  I hate the fact that one of them doesn't even live in the same state as me, so it's not like we can meet up at the mall.  I hate that I can't trust most people, and I hate that they give me reasons not to every single damn day.

I hate that people judge me and try to change me.  I hate that they label me as what I am not.  I hate that I'm "emo."  I hate that I'm "goth."  I hate that I'm "awkward."  I hate that I'm "boring."  I hate that I'm "annoying."  I hate that I can never interest you with matters that I want to talk about, and in some cases need to, only because you can't bother to listen, when in contrast, I always listen to everything you have to say.

I hate that I care so much about people I shouldn't.  I hate that I always welcome them into my life, even when I shouldn't.  I hate that I feel like I can't be me in most situations and around most people.  I hate that I'm used.

I hate using the word hate so much, but it's come to point where it's the only word that can truly demonstrate the tears that are running down my cheeks right now as I write this.  I hate that my perfect eyeliner is now wasted and smeared on my hands and down my cheeks.

I hate that I wrote this.  I hate that I'm complaining.  I hate how life is, but I also don't want to die.  I hate that I've been feeling this for way too many years, and I hate that I don't know how to stop it.

I hate the sense of lonely.  I hate escaping onto Twitter to talk to people because why I love talking to my readers/friends, I know that once I close the app, there are only two people that I personally know who want to talk to me.  I hate that people in my life judge those people, and my relationship to them, when they're the only people who are there for them when it's 3 am and I'm crying again.  I hate that so many tears fall.

I hate it all.