Chapter 8 
Offered Opportunity

WE KISSED.

I am numb at the moment and I can’t put my feelings into words. We f*cking kissed! Not just one smack but tongue-to-tongue. He is a f*cking league while we do that tango. Napapamura tuloy ako sa naganap nung nakaraang araw sa loob ng elevator na iyon. Ayaw ko mang isipin ngunit tila kusa akong binabagabag ng mga tagpong iyon, and even inside his bathroom when we almost. Ugh! Erase! Erase! Erase! Kadiri!

“Kuya ba’t ka nakatulala d’yan?” Narinig kong tanong ni Ellise na kakabangon pa lang sa higaan nito. 

“W-Wala, may napagtanto lang.” sagot ko. Matapos kaming ma-discharge sa loob ng ospital ay di ko na pinag-iksayahan ng panahon na makaalis sa lugar na iyon. Sinagot na lahat ni Calix ang gastusin sanhi ng aking pagkabahala. Ayaw kong magkaroon ng utang na loob sa lalaking iyon!

“Ano naman?” she added. 

“W-wala. Wag mo nang isipin.” 

“Is this about your work with Calix?” Nanlaki ang aking mga mata sa narinig kong tanong.

“H-how?,” 

“Calix told me when I was admitted sa suite. He asked me if it’s okay if you will devote your time sa work mo,” halos malaglag ang panga ko sa narinig. “Kuya, di mo naman sinasabi na may ganito na palang nangyayari. Maghahanap na rin ako ng mapagkakakitaan para makatul—.” Pinutol ko ang kaniyang sasabihin. 

“Ellise, you don’t have to do this. I just needed a little allowance to get through at ayaw ko nang mang-abala pa kay mama.”

“Nag-alala lang talaga ako kagabi kasi Leo posted a picture na nag-iinoman kayo. I got scared na baka mapano ka.” Pagaalala nitong saad. I stopped and remembered the night where we drank alcohol. I should set my manners straight.

“That will not happen again, I promise.” Pangako ko. She nodded.

“I made Calix promise me to take care of you. Since magtra-trabaho ka sa kanila, sinabi ko sa kaniya na kailangan niyang ipangako sa akin na aalagaan ka.” Ellise stated. My heart started to melt by how she said that and by how Calix accepted my sister’s request. I know for a fact that I shouldn’t feel this way towards this violator but somehow my heart resides with him at the moment. 

Calix? He is the first guy to do this to me like this. Never in my life would I think of someone who would like me, but when we shared that kiss in the elevator, he proved to me otherwise that there’s someone out there waiting. But Leo’s warning to me about him troubles me, I am also feeling kind of off about him. Should I venture out into this new experience? Or leave it hanging?

***

MINUTES had past after I stepped inside the classroom. The first thing that I saw was his face marking me already. As if I was a prey waiting to be devoured by his lips. 

I tried to stop thinking about it but his stares made me overthink. 

“Class pass me your written outputs.” Narinig kong sambit ni Ma’am Vanessa. “And after passing it read it on front.” She added. Half of the class gasped and was surpirsed by ma’am’s order. I passed the paper and went back to my seat. 

Agad akong napatingin sa taong nagnakaw ng maraming halik sa akin. His smile was melancholy, for a moment I thought he was teasing me but when I stared directly at his tantalizing eyes a whirlwind of emotions were stored. 

“Sinong babasa nu’ng essay?”

“I don’t know.” ani ko nang hindi na siya tinitingnan. 

“Are you trying to ignore me?” Calix. 

Nagpumilit akong wag siyang tingnan. Kinalabit niya ako sa may balikat ngunit hindi parin ako nagpatinag. He continued it for a while until he stopped. 

“Is this about the kiss? Did I make it awkward?” Ani nito na may pagkamalakas ang boses. Agad akong natinag at pinatahimik ang kaniyang bibig gamit ang dalawang kamay ko. Even he himself was shock. 

“Shut up! Nothing happened!” I exclaimed making the whole class focused their attention on our little argument. Kahit si Ma’am Vanessa na busy sa pagche-check ng papel ay napatingin rin sa aming dalawa.

“What is going on back there?” Ma’am asked. 

“Wala po maam.” Mabilis kong sagot sabay pagbawi sa aking kamay mula sa kaniyang bibig. 

“Kayo na lang muna ang unang magbabasa, tutal, mukhang sabik na sabik na kayong mag-ingay.” She replied sarcastically. 

Tumingin ako kay Calix na ngayon ay nakangising naka tingin sa akin na animo’y sinesenyasan akong ako ang manguna sa pagbasa. As usual hindi ko na pinilit pa ang taong yon at ako na ang nagbasa. 

I went up in front and nervously grabbed the paper out maam’s desk. Everyone was staring at me including the guy I worked with on this paper. After a week of meeting him I just noticed how intimidating he was. 

‘The Acts of Communications. In a world full of questions, we often find ourselves in a situation and wonder if they’ll understand what we want to be. Communication is the key? they say. But for some it’s the root of all chaos.’ My eyes landed on Calix with this line I’ve read. He wrote this part.

‘In communication everybody gets this notion of understanding and harmony of sorts but for what we see, it could sometimes break us and be the worst version of ourselves.’ I wrote this line. He seemed hurt when I looked at him.

‘Derailed from its true purpose, we often used this to hurt and push people to be something they are not. I for myself felt the rage of anger of not being able to talk and fight for myself but because of fear. Fear that might also change them and fill their hearts with hatred that would kill us if they burst out on us. I find it hard to fit it into this world. But as a person who is eager to find something good from it, he will try. 

Communication can be a tool for healing, it might be a source of chaos but it is certainly an antidote to purify someone. Through consultation of a friend or family, a heart that needs mending can go through these stages. Active listening is also a good application and helps engage more in the conversation. When we try to find spaces to vent out, we often keep it to ourselves. I believe we can change this way if we actively try to connect with others who are close to us and care for us dearly.’ I continued. My heart can’t stop thumping. Calix stared at me and he himself is curious to what is its ending. 

‘In conclusion, we all deserve to be heard and seen. No matter what we are in the past doesn’t defy what we could be. We must use it in a manner that would benefit and not as a tool to destroy others. If you are tired of facing this cruel world, never forget to think of yourself first before putting out their judgements. We are human beings and vulnerability is a part of us, we should consider the feelings of others and use it as a beacon of inclusivity through communication.’ I finished. 

***

HABANG nagsisiuwian na ang mga kasama namin ay agad kaming hinarang dalawa ni maam Vanessa. 

“You two, I really like your essay,” she complimented us both. 

“Ah, thank you po maam.” Banggit ko habang napatango nalang si Calix without giving any expression. 

“If I may p’wede ko kayong i-register sa ating Campus Journalism.” Offer ni maam. I was shookt of what she said because I was actually looking for this opportunity before kaso I got caught up by the schedule. 

“Uhm…” Pagdadalawang isip ko. I am not sure if I can join the club considering my current situation. Of course there would be expenses and I can’t have that problem as of now. 

“That would be good maam, we will sign in po maam as soon as possible.” Calix intervened. 

“What?!” Di ko makapaniwalang tugon. 

“Good, there will be an annual screening tomorrow. You should try out and see if capable kayo.” Ani ni maam bago tuluyang umalis sa loob ng silid at tanging kami nalang ni Calix. 

“Why would you say that?” Naiinis kong banggit. 

“You’re a natural, Claude.” 

“Tigilan mo na nga ako sa mga kalokohan mo!” Galit kong sigaw. Maski siya ay natinag sa ginawa ko. 

“Is this about our kiss, if so, I a—” 

“It’s not just about the stupid kiss! It’s about how you make me feel this way! You’re so complicated and I hate the feeling of being played at, if only you know what’s it like to be tossed around like a toy.” Unti-unti nang nanginginit ang aking mga mata dahil sa galit at inis. Di ko inaasahan na magagalit ako sa kaniya ng ganito but I guess, I am. 

“I-I’m sorry, Claude.” He apologizes. The first time I have heard him apologize. 

“Ano ba talaga ang gusto mo? Don’t play me out like this. Minsan okay ka mi–.” 

A kiss sealed my mouth. He went for it and didn’t hesitate. His tongue slid through my mouth like a credit card. Our tongues collided once more. An explosion of emotions was felt and my eyes can’t stop from leaking so I closed my eyes shut and went with the flow. 

For some reasons hindi ko kayang bitawan ang mga halik na iyon. His strong hands manly caresses my body as he unbuttons my uniform.  

“Wh-at? What are you doing?” 

“I-I don’t know. I just want to have you.” He said using his dark tone. 

“Please, not now.” I pleaded. 

He broke off from the kiss and paused for a while. He is halfway from undressing me and our saliva was smeared all across our lips. We both looked too intense and sweaty from that kiss and his face tells me that it wants more. 

“What am I to you?” I asked. I am so agitated and I feel that I can murder someone. 

“I don’t know it yet.” He answers. 

“Then look for it first.” I weakly grabbed my bag and walked outside the room. My heart can’t handle the sensation. As I took the steps leading to the door, it felt like my heart was crying and begging for me to go back but my mind insisted not to. 

I shouldn’t just let my heart get crushed once again.

***

BINABAGABAG parin ako ng puso ko tungkol sa mga iniwang halik sa akin ni Calix. I am still fazed by what now revolves around me and him. I don’t want to set myself with another heartbreak nor risk my status to everyone. I have sacrificed a lot at my previous school and I can’t risk that now with my current one. 

Ellise packed her stuff because she is going to have a racket at her friend’s house. Nagtapat narin siya sa akin and knowing her, even how much I would scold her she wouldn’t listen, so I let her do her own thing from now on, as long as she is safe with her sidelines. 

“I am going ya!” Paalam nito. She bid her last wave to me before closing the door while I am sitting at the edge of our bed. All I gave to her was a smile. 

Even at the hardest moments, all that brings light to me is my sister. Ellise sharpens my heart and I am thankful for her being there when we both needed each other. Ang mga mabibigat na araw ay napapagaan niya. Biglang bumalik sa akin ang panahon na binigyan ako ng pagsubok ng tadhana and she was the one that save me while I was sinking. 

Being a closeted gay guy, mahirap itago sa buong publiko who you truly are. Nangangati narin ang buong kaluluwa kong ipagkalandakan ang aking kabaklaan but I can't find my courage to do so. I am too fragile and it scares me to think that what if nobody would understand me, so I hid it properly, not until the time when I fell for my friend's trap before. I swore to the stars to never be fed at the same trap again. 

I remember how I would skip meals because I was so afraid to face my mother at the dining table. Hindi niya pinapakita ang reaksyon niya but knowing her, I knew how disgusted she was when she found out that I made out with the same sex. She came from a very religious background and I know she is sensitive to this matter. All I had back then was Ellise. 

Comparing it to know, after Calix kissed me, natuto na ako. I don't want to put myself through that same nightmare I had survived. I can’t afford to lose everything I had worked hard for to rebuild. 

I am not going to fall for Calix. 

***

HUMAHANAP ako ng tiempo ngayon na di makasabay kay Calix. Nagbibigay ako ng samut-saring mga palusot just to avoid contact. Sumama ako sa isang circle na hindi ako ganon ka close pero basta lang makatakas sa mga nakakapukol na tingin ni Calix.

Lumipat rin ako ng upuan. Nakipagbarter ako kay Charm, pumayag siya kasi cutie daw tong si Calix at matagal na niyang crush ito. Medyo nakaramdam ako ng konting selos pero di ko yon pinairal dahil ayaw kong mabahiran ang reputasyon ko.

I can see him from afar at mukhang naguguluhan siya sa ginawa ko. For sure he'll follow me until makahanap siya ng pagkakataon na makausap ako and I'm trying hard not to make any contact. Kahit ngayon lang.

"Tara guys, recess tayo." Rinig kong aya ni Aleah na siyang nagpa-ilaw sa mundo ko. Yes makakalayo rin ako sa wakas. Walang pag-aatubiling sumabay agad ako sa agos hanggang sa tuluyan nang nakalabas sa room.

Parang natanggalan ako ng tinik at sa wakas guminhawa narin ang loob ko. Di ko na siya makikita kahit saglit lang.

We're heading to the cafeteria to buy some snacks. Medyo nakakagutom narin kasi eh. Buong magdamag kang nakatutok sa mga lessons na walang humpay ang pahirap.

"Libre ko kayo guys!" Rinig kong sambit ni Jeff. Apaka saya pala nilang magbarkada. How I wish I could also have those moments. "Ikaw Claw-Claw? Anong gusto mo?" Rinig kong tanong nito. Iyon pala ang tawag ng karamihan sa mga kaklase ko sa akin. Claw-Claw derived from my original name.

"Uh...gusto ko—" di ko natapos sasabihin ko ng biglang may lalaking umakbay sa balikat ko and basing from the scent, I know who this guy is.

"Ako ang gusto niya." Calix replied.

What the actual fvck!

✒️INKMAGINE.