TRIGGER WARNING! Self-harm ahead as well as inappropriate content that needs guidance.

WAKING up panting and harming myself is nothing new. From that moment I knew that I would return to this routine.

Kaia never failed to come to me though but I still felt like it wasn't enough. I needed more than that and only pain could give me the satisfaction of not thinking.

I am not craving attention. I just simply want my misery to end.

I just want someone to answer, what did I do to deserve this? I am not a bad person.

Why am I always going back to zero even if I fight why does it seem like I was not moving? It seems like I am not doing anything for me to get better, to pull back myself together in pieces again.

It was like I am part of the chess game that will constantly get eaten because I am just a pawn.

"I was a victim," I stated in front of Kaia one afternoon.

I just thought that I should share this with him because for sure he's confused and loss and why I am this affected by what happened last month.

He turned his head towards me waiting for me to say more while locking my gaze on him.

"I was harassed by them," I continued which made his lips part a bit. "I am just a victim so why do I need to go through all this? I thought I already moved on since with you, I am more powerful than I've ever been." I said crying.

"I didn't do anything wrong so why do I have to be in this place? waiting patiently for someone who could set me free from all these that I'm feeling even though I shouldn't be in the cage and in the cycle of being miserable. I am patiently waiting for the light that never exists or so I thought. Even before all these, I am lonely, I am empty, I am broken, and cannot be fixed. All my life I am following orders. I am following the rules set by my family." I ranted, instead of telling him a story, a full context of why I am like this.

"It's not your fault," he mumbled which made me cry even more.

"Maybe it's not but I am still partly part of it right? all the decisions I thought were right were just a mere fantasy. Instead of telling my father that I felt so empty, I picked up a canvas and a paintbrush with bright colors to cover up all that. Instead of telling them that I am in pieces already, I said I am okay with every question they threw at me with. Instead of being honest, I look for something to cover up all these sh*ts I've been feeling. I am denying everything because I think I will look weak and worthless. I taught I am not allowed to show them the real me because if I did I'll not be able to be part of the family.

"In the end, I am just like the autumn that has never happened. In the end, it's just a glimpse. It's not really 'mature' of me to think that I can do it. It's just the glimpse that has been full of declines of my surrounding. It's just pretending all this time. And so all that didn't matter because I thought I am okay being like that, but how wrong I was.

"That night, it is also a party and as I remember I came there as the representative of Mazariego but then sh*ts happened. I am molested right there and then. Kaya naman nang makita ko ulit at marinig sila natakot ako. Mas g-gustuhin ko pang ma-guilty dahil sa pagaakalang namatay sila dahil sa ginawa nila sa akin kaysa gawin nila uli 'yon. I blamed myself over and over again to their deeds. I know I wasn't supposed to blame and hurt myself for their actions, but I just can't help it." I continued.

Inabot na kami ng minuto pero pakiramdam ko hindi ko pa nailalabas lahat ng gusto kong ilabas. May mali pa rin. May kulang pa rin. Hindi pa rin ako kuntento.

Pakiramdam ko dahil nasanay ako na takpan ang nararamdaman ko, maskara lang ang inihaharap ko kay Kaia ngayon it was like pretending is 'normal' for me because it is what I used for such a long period of time.

He just listened and didn't talk. It was like he was analyzing the things I said. He became careful with me that afternoon until I go to sleep nasa tabi ko lang siya at nakabantay sa bawat kilos ko.

PANTING again I wake up from that dream throbbing and wanting to feel pain again and it just happened that I have it by my side.

When the blade meets my wrist I am relieved even though I winced in pain. I watched the blood from the cut flow and when I realize that it was not enough I cut myself once more.

In the midst of being relieved by feeling the pain I always craved like it is a vitamin the door opened showing Kaia's shocked and angry face.

Agad niyang kinuha ang blade na gamit ko at itinapon 'yon kung saan. Marahas niya rin akong hinawakan.

That's when I realize what I did. I am like a demon who doesn't care. A demon inside me who constantly drive my body because of its frustration.

Dahil sa pagiging marahas niya ay nasaktan ako sa pagpapaupo niya sa akin sa kama. Walang pagiingat na mararamdaman sa kilos niya.

"What are you trying to do?!" he angrily roared at me which makes me shrink.

"Are you so done with your life that you would rather cut yourself like it is not your life in line? Are you trying to be someone who doesn't value what life is? You are more than this Lavelle. You are not the Lavelle I knew. Of all people you know how important our lives are!" he stated pagtapos ay idinabog na sara ang pinto.

I didn't cry this time, instead, I smiled.

"I am always like this. I am just like my father after all. He's ruthless so am I. I don't care about the people I will leave for as long as I have my reasons I am willing to cut the strings."

I am just a lost soul who's now turning into a demon they made. They made me like this so why should I wait patiently for their help when they're the ones who turned me like this?

I don't need them. They will just ruin me like they always did so why should I care about them?

CLAIREJXSM | 🍁🍁🍁