AS OUR engagement was announced I became busy with attending interviews and intervening in every transaction our family make. Each family is a really big shot huh.

I didn't even have the time to finish my paintings for the exhibit. Kahit pa binigyan ako ng sariling oras para roon ay nakakahiya pa rin dahil isa 'yon sa responsibilidad ko na napabayaan ko.

"Here's the last question Ms. Lavelle, these past years you became li-low even with your that lots of people adored and look up to is it because you are having a sweet time with Mr. Kaia Fraire?"

I smiled at the host and then giggle a bit. Ganito ang sinanay ko mula pagkabata. "Actually, I am embarrassed to say this but, yes, we are together for the past years, and we really enjoy each other's presence." sagot ko rito na ikinakilig nito maging ang mga nanonood.

"Can I add last-last question?" she asked na tinanguan ko naman. She looked excited. "Here it is, speaking of presence, bakit walang balita na nakalat na kayo pala o may namamagitan sa inyo?"

"About that actually we knew each oter back when we are still a child and we have some fuj lots of times he's just in our house and by then I think we are three years already and have had a lowkey relationship. Kadalasan ay sa ibang bansa kami nagkikita o namamasyal dahil ayaw namin na may maka alam. But then, our families find out that we are going out and so we have no choice but to reveal it during our family dinner as well as our engagement." I answered, acting shy in front of the camera.

"Aww, that was sweet Ms. Lavelle. Thank you for coming to our show, hope to see you again!" she happily said then ended the show.

I have a deep sigh when I entered my car. I am exhausted already but I need to go to my studio and finish the paintings.

I love to paint but I am slowly losing touch with the strokes my brush made, I am slowly losing the feeling of being peaceful. The painting I made before with different colors all turned black.

It became dull and dark. It was like an open book to me that only I would understand its meaning.

"Lavelle! Mabuti naman at narito ka." salubong sa akin ni Red na tinanguan ko lang.

I guess she's waiting for me. Alam niya naman ang code nitong studio pero hindi siya pumasok. Mukhang kanina pa rin siya dito.

"Your paintings . . ." she trailed making me look at her.

"What about it Red?" I asked then showed off my smile.

"It became disturbing. Are you really, okay?" she carefully asked making me laugh. Funny.

"Of course! 'yan ang theme natin diba? I already told you ganyan ang naisip kong theme. It's amazing, right? I only use dark colors, yet I made some amazing paintings." I happily said. She looked like she was not convinced and so I smiled wider, I made it look like I am really having fun.

"You're right, but take it easy, all right? I'll go ahead already may aasikasuhin pa ako para sa exhibit. Take a rest first you look tired ang just you know," she then smiled for the last time.

I sat down in front of the canvas. I've been sitting here for thirty minutes and yet ni isang linya ay wala pa rin akong naiguguhit.

My eyes landed on the cutter. I slowly walk towards it. I looked at the sharp end and smiled. I am having thoughts again.

I am fully aware of what my body wants. My heart throbbed because of the anticipation. I held it and unconsciously I brought it to my wrist.

A deafening silence was starting to trigger me. Even though there was a voice saying that I should not do it, the desire wherein must feel pain again so that my mind would be distracted ate me.

The blood and the sting I felt on my wrist made me feel that I am still alive. I smiled. At least I am not numb.

I walked towards the bed and lay as the darkness that consisted of my nightmare overcome me. As the voices, I don't want to hear became consistent in my ears again. The loud beating of my heart became the symbol of the fear I once felt in the dark alley, in the dark room that I treated as hell became my comfort to look forward.

I woke up when the sun was already on set. I just ordered some food and then sat in front of my canvas again. I am groggy but I am in the mood to paint.

I busied myself with painting. I want to paint this day. With that, time passes without even realizing it.

I looked out the window and there I saw the sun peeking. Ilang oras na ako nag pipinta at matatapos na ako. Ang iba ay pinapatuyo ko na lang.

Looked like I desired hard in devoting myself today to painting. Nonetheless, it was good since I won't have to do paintings anymore once I finished this.

Magiging busy ako sa mga susunod na buwan para sa kasal at pagganap bilang asawa ni Mr. Kaia Fraire.

I placed the palette and the brush. Nagkalat ang kinainan ko sa sahig pero hindi ko nilinis ang mga ito.

Instead, I stand up and walk towards the cabinet to take some anti-depressant pills as well as some sleeping pills since I know I won't be able to sleep in this state.

I lay down again and looked at the ceiling. Kahit pa uminom na ako ay wala pa rin itong epekto. Looks like I won't be able to sleep.

Should I just paint again? with that I stood up groggily and headed towards the canvas I started to paint again while humming a song.

I finished it. Tanghali na at tanging kape lang ang laman ng tiyan ko. Hindi pa ako nakakaligo at nakakapagayos ng sarili mula nang magpunta ako sa studio.

I hate this. I am too tired to even care for myself. Sa lahat ng gagawin ko kailangan ko pa ng dahilan kung bakit.

Unmotivated. The phase I hated the most because the responsibilities I had will be on hold because I can't do them due to my inability to do so.

I pushed myself towards the bathroom when I realized that I have a scheduled dinner with Mr. Kaia Fraire.

Mabuti na lang at mayroon akong formal na damit rito kaya hindi na ako mahihirapan pa. Kung babalik naman kasi ako sa condo ni Kuya Zed ay baka maistorbo ko sila ni Ate Aster at mag-alala pa sila. Kung sa mansyon naman ay baka malaman ng ama ko na hindi ko inaalagaan ang sarili ko ganun na rin sa mga pinsan ko at kina tito at tita.

I DROVE myself to the fancy restaurant we choose to meet. Naroon na siya nang dumating ako.

"Good evening," we both greeted, we did some formalities before we sat down.

"I ordered some juice for you," he said as he sipped his wine.

"Thank you for that, Mr. Fraire." I formally said back to him. This is awkward.

"We should drop the formalities you know; we will get married anyways and we'll share a roof. Just call me Kaia, I don't mind." ngumiti ito pagtapos at inilahad pa ang kamay niya sa akin.

Tinignan ko lang ito, pilit na pinapakalma ang sarili. Nginitian ko ito para mabawasan ang kabang nararamdaman. "Then call me Lavelle. I'm sorry I am not comfortable shaking your hands. I hope you don't mind." I confessed and apologetically smiled.

"That's fine with me, take your time, I don't mind."

We ordered some food and talked about business over dinner. We talked about how we should manage our own empires. Kung paano ang set-up namin once na magsama kami sa iisang bubong.

It was not comfortable but it's okay. I was calming myself then and maybe he noticed it, so he diverts the topic we talked about. I prefer talking about business than getting to know each other we have lots of time to do that once we got married anyways.

CLAIREJXSM | 🍁🍁🍁