NAPABUNTONGHININGA na lang ako nang maalala na naman ang napagusapan namin ng ama ko.

I know from the start that I am bound to get married to someone I don't love. To someone, I don't know.

It is part of my responsibility as the heir of the Mazariego Clan. Along with this, I am bound to do another duty such as being a wife, daughter, a mother soon because it is needed to have an heir to our properties. Hindi pwedeng mapunta ang mga ito sa isang tao na walang dugong Mazariego.

It is part of our tradition. The problem is that I am not ready. I am not even okay and yet I have the guts to marry someone. Funny.

Sa sususnod na araw na agad ang pamamanhikan at pagpapakilala ng dalawang pamilya na magiging isa sa darating na buwan.

"Good evening, Miss." pagbati ni Clem nang lumabas ako sa kwarto.

Hindi ata natutulog ang isang 'to dahil tuwing gigising ako ay na riyan na siya sa tabi at nakatayo, twing gabi naman ay na riyan pa rin siya.

"Do you need anything and are you okay?" he inquired, hesitant about it. Because we barely talk but I am now good with his presence sa mahigit apat na buwan ba naman na siya ang nakikita ko e. Medyo ilang pa rin pero kaya naman.

"I don't need anything, and I am fine. No need to worry." I answered. He's trying to communicate with me, and I think nararapat lang na ibalik ko 'yon sa kaniya.

Pero hindi ba't para naman akong hipokrito? Pretending and smiling all the way because that's what I'm supposed to do. Sa ganoong paraan tayo sinanay na wala kang karapatang maging mahina. Kailangan mong mag mukhang malakas at perpekto sa paningin nila.

Aminin man natin o hindi our society is f*cked up and it's making people to be f*cked up than we used to. Starting from our leaders, and government to us who made society what it is today.

"ISA itong Mazariego imposibleng hindi tayo babalikan ng pamilya nito."

"Wala akong pakialam. Malawak rin naman ang koneksyon ko pati na rin ang inyo. Kung kakasuhan man tayo nito mababa ang tyansa nilang manalo lalo pa at isa lang namang babae 'yan."

I heard them talking. Nagdadalawang isip pa sila kahit pa hinawakan na nila ako. Ano pa ba ang kailangan nila?

If they want me dead sana pinatay na lang nila ako. I don't want this. I just want this to end kung matatapos ito at mamatay ako then please do so.

I don't want to carry this burden.

"Hawakan niyo sa paa tsaka kamay para di makapalag!"

Then they started touching me again, licking me, and so on. I kept pleading with them to stop but they didn't listen.

In the end, they left me, they left me being disgusting. They left me like trash.

"No! P-please, stop it. I can hear their voices they will come at me! they will come back! Stop it!" I shouted, pleading.

Hindi pa rin mawala sa tainga ko ang mga ugong na naging dahilan kung bakit ko paulit-ulit na sinasampal ang sarili maging ang tainga ko para lang magising sa malalim kong pagkakahimbing.

Wala na akong pakialam pa sa mga gamit na nasasangi ko at nababasag.

I don't want to hear their voices They are disgusting. Lahat na lang ay nakakadiri!

I don't know myself anymore. I continued to cry, sob, and think until my heart's content, and yet after all those exhausting things I did, I still felt the same.

I still felt disgusted.

Ganoon pa rin ang pakiramdam ko. It was always like a never-ending cycle of waking up from a nightmare, eating while reminiscing those memories, then sleeping lifelessly.

It's tiring and I would always ask myself if the life I am living right now is worth it. Because it seems like this cycle of mine is getting worthless and pointless.

For me it doesn't matter anymore I just want to sleep peacefully.

My phone rang when I was about to cut myself. It was my agent. What is it this time? I am tired of being with myself now I have to deal with something I love to do but now became work to me.

"Lavelle, are you done already? We need your paintings next month for the exhibit."

"I am just working on it. I don't think matatapos ko ang limang artwork by next month."

"Then, I'll move the exhibit then, makakapaghintay naman 'yon. Take your time." Red said making me smile a little.

"I'd love that, thank you Red. Malaking tulong ka talaga."

"No worries. Take your time as always." masayang anito.

Then the line ended. Looks like I need to get work already.

With that in mind nagpahatid ako sa studio ko na halos ilang buwan ko rin hindi nabisita.

"You can go home or take a rest. I can handle myself. Hindi ako aalis dito sa studio hanggang sa susunod na araw." pagpapaalam ko kay Clem na tanging tango lang ang sagot at thumbs up nangingiti pa ito na ikinailing ko lang.

Maalikabok na ang ilang gamit ko para sa pagpipinta pero maayos pa naman lalo pa at paminsan ay binibisita rin ito ni Red at pinapalinisan kung masyadong magulo at madumi.

I started stroking the brush. Wala akong pakialam kung ano man ang kahihinantnan ng painting. I just let myself paint without inhabitation.

With every stroke, my hand seems to scream, trembling, but I didn't care, and I don't want to care.

Para akong baliw na galit at hindi mapakali habang iginuguhit gamit ang itim na tinta ang gustong ipahiwatig ng isip ko.

Hindi ako mapakali, parang may gusto akong ipinta pero nauuwi lang lahat sa frustrasyon kung kaya't hindi ko ito maiguhit.

Lahat ng galit ko at ibinuhos ko sa canvas na nasa harap ko hanggang sa mapagod ako at mawalan ng gana.

In the end, I ended up crying inside my studio. I ended up ruining my pieces. I ended up being blamed again for the turn of events I didn't want, for the things that I am not the one who is supposed to be blamed for.

I don't understand it really. Why do I need to suffer for what others did? Why did I have to be the one burdened with all the bullsh*ts they did?

In this society why people who are not at fault are always being blamed.

"I hate this. Should I die instead?" I asked while holding a cutter that is focused on my neck.

When the question I flung no longer scared me, I grinned.

The war is over huh?

CLAIREJXSM | 🍁🍁🍁