I ALWAYS ponder about the impossible. I once desired to meet my mother, despite the fact that she had died. I wished that my father could come to my school ceremonies and celebrate them with me afterward despite being busy.

I was often disappointed in myself and doubted my actions. I was constantly by myself. My personality is boring and monotonous. From afar, you can tell I'm Lavelle Mazariego, the lone female in our generation.

I stand out not just because of the reason I am the only girl but because of my intelligence in art despite a young age and of course because I often pushed people away.

"Ms. Mazariego, your father has arrived." anunsiyo ng mayordoma na agad kong tinugunan kasabay ng pagtigil ng kamay ko sa pagpinta.

"Dad . . ." malamyos na tawag ko at parang gustong maiyak, halos dalawang linggo rin siyang nawala at hindi ko rin siya nakakausap kahit na narito siya dahil palagi siyang nakapokus sa trabaho niya.

"My princess, did you eat already? How it attracts you here?" My father inquired, the fatigue obvious in his voice, and I couldn't bring myself to tell him that we had a family day at the university.

I understand that there are many things that require his attention, and this family day will not be considered a family day, especially because I am completely aware that I do not have a 'happy family'. Hell, I don't even have a mom.

"I'm good, and I've already eaten. So, how about you?" I inquired, trying to make a conversation.

"I will not eat. Aalis din ako agad may another meeting ako sa France kaya hindi ako magtatagal. I just wanted to check on you. Busy ka raw sa pagpinta at bibihira na lang lumabas ng kwarto."

Napayuko ako sa turan niya. I understand. Ganito naman palagi. Minsan nagtataka ako kung may mangyayari bang masama sa akin ay hindi na siya aalis at mananatili na lang rito sa Pilipinas.

I understand that we have a large empire to manage, but this is simply too much. Nariyan naman sina Tita Mia at Tito Jeff ganon rin sa mga anak nito.

"What would you want when I returned? bags? jewelry? car? I'll get it for you if you give it a name."

"How about staying here for a week?" I inquired, eager. Kahit naman madalas wala ito ay ibinibigay nito ang mga pangangailangan at gusto ko.

I am pampered with material things. Hindi ko masasabing gusto ko 'yon pero hindi ko rin naman masasabi na ayaw ko. Nasanay ako sa marangyang buhay na ibinibigay sa akin ng pamilya ko pero alam kong may kulang pa rin.

Siguro ay masyado lang talaga akong nangungulila sa aruga ng isang magulang kaya hindi ako makuntento kahit pa nasa akin na ang lahat.

At the end of the day, I will still be that insecure girl. I always get what I want hence, I can't get what I truly need.

Laging hinahangaan ng mga taong nasa paligid ko kung ano ang mayroon ako pero ako, gusto kong kumawala sa mga ito.

Lahat ng responsibilidad na kailangan kong gampanan sa murang edad, they're all torture for me because I wasn't allowed to play with the other kids when I was a kid. They claim it was unsafe, therefore I have no choice but to oblige.

"That . . . I don't think I can go off for a week. What about I purchase your clothing, purses, and other items you like?" My father offered once more and so I need to take it not because I want to but because I need to.

"Really?" I asked, smiling. "Thank you very much, Dad!" I remarked cheerfully, but behind me, there was a girl who was still waiting for her father to arrive.

Every time I hoped that my father would pull me out of this dark realm, nothing came, not even the faintest light.

The optimism that I would soon be able to leave this dark and cold room has been dashed once more.

"Then, sleep for now. Goodnight, my princess," my father whispered tenderly, as I closed my eyes while he kiss my forehead.

Nang makapagpaalam ako ay umakyat na ako at nahiga. Nawalan ako ng gana gumawa ng mga bagay na kailangan kong tapusin.

My father is here right now, but I know I won't see him again tomorrow. We can't even hold a proper conversation like a father and daughter would.

And I am correct. My father has gone away. Mag-isa akong kumain sa malaking dining na lagi namang nangyayari. Hindi na bago pero nakakapanghinayang.

"Kuya Mario, can we stop at the coffee shop muna before I go to school?"

"Ay, sige po ma'am medyo maaga pa naman." magalang nitong sagot na ikinatango ko at ibinalik ang tingin sa mga nadadaanang puno.

Masyadong malawak ang lupain namin rito kaya naman kinakailangan talaga na may sasakyan kang gamit kung sakaling gusto mo lumibot. Masyado rin itong liblib at bibihira ka makakita ng bisita maliban na lamang kung may importanteng pagpupulong.

Mayroon pa kasi kaming isang lugar rito kung saan doon talaga ginagawa ang mga party malawak rin 'yon at engrande.

Dumating ako sa eskwela na may bitbit na kape at isang slice ng egg pie. Pagbaba ko pa lang ng sasakyan ay marami nang naka abang na tila ba may artistang darating.

They all took photos of me. I'm not astonished by the flash from their DLSR and phone. Para silang mga paparazzi na hindi mapakali kapag hindi nasusundan ang mga galaw ko.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit tinatrato nila akong mas mataas sa kanila e kung tutuusin ay pare-parehas lang naman kaming mga estudyante rito.

"Ouch!" I exclaimed as another girl collided with me.

She was crying, and when she saw me, she paled and apologized quickly. Lumuhod pa nga ito sa harapan ko na tila ba malaking kasalanan ang nagawa niya, na para bang hindi niya dapat ako nabangga kahit pa hindi niya naman ito sinasadya.

I am no saint para lumuhod pa ito at humingi ng tawad. Hindi ako matapobre na gusto at ramdam na nakakaangat ako sa kanilang lahat.

Sa totoo nga ay pakiramdam ko mas angat sila. Dahil nagagawa nila ang gusto nila kumpara sa akin na nakakakulong sa mga gagawin sa isang araw na nakaplano.

Ang kaninang maingay na paligid dahil sa pagdating ko ay tumahimik dahil sa siyang pagsigaw ko. Nakita ko rin sa mukha nila ang pag-aalala para sa akin kahit pa hindi ko naman sila kilala.

"Stand up," I said. She quickly obeys as if it were a command from her superiors.

"It's ok, don't apologize. I know you didn't mean it. Stop sobbing as well. Is something going on?"

Kanina kasi ay para itong takot na takot at tumatakbo parang may humahabol sa kaniya kahit na wala naman.

"W-wala," mahina nitong bulong pagtapos ay tumakbo ulit. Wala naman ang nagawa kundi tignan lang ang bulto nitong papalayo.

"Isn't that the strange transferee?"

"Yes. I heard she had a lot of scary stuff in her locker, like eww!"

"She's a terrifying creep!"

"Oh my goodness, goosebumps."

Napailing na lang ako sa bulungan. What's the problem with that? 'Yon ang gusto niya, so why should people bother changing their preferences? Having some "scary things" is not uncommon these days after all we have some skeletons hidden in our closets.

MABILIS natapos ang mga klase ko kaya naman maaga rin akong nakapagayos para sa engrandeng salo-salong dadaluhan ko bilang representative ng mga Mazariego.

Ako lang kasi talaga ang maaasahan sa mga ganitong pagpupulong kung kaya't ako ang madalas na makikita.

My uncle, aunt, and cousins are not inclined, and they manage our businesses, so this is not a dilemma for me because they have far more responsibility than I have.

When I got to the venue, I was not feeling good. Puro kalalakihan ang makikita at kakaunti lang ang mga babae kaya hindi ako komportable.

Kahit pa hilig kong um-attend ng mga gathering gaya nito kung hindi maganda ang pakiramdam ko ay mas gugustuhin ko pang manatili sa bahay.

Ang tanging problema lang ay may kailangan akong kausaping kasosyo ng pamilya namin sa negosyo at makipag-deal sa iba pang kumpanya.

Marami ang naghahabol sa angkan namin pero mayroon talaga kaming gustong maka-deal at 'yon ang mga Salazar.

Malaki ang maitutulong nila sa paglago namin at syempre in vice versa. From the hotels to casino. Condominiums and malls.

"Good evening, Ms. Mazariego." bati ni Mr. Franco.

"Good evening too, Mr. Franco." I said as I smiled mukhang natuwa naman ito dahil tumawa siya at inabutan ako ng inumin.

He's one of my fathers' friends so I accepted it. Ipinakilala niya rin ako sa ibang naroon na pinabulaanan ko.

Minsan lang ako makipag-usap sa gatherings maliban na lang kung kailangan talaga.

I just simply don't find the sense kung bakit ka makikipag-usap kung wala ka namang kailangan.

It may be because you wanted to have 'friends' in the corporate world, but that is not usually the case because everyone here is a sly fox.

They will always find a way para lang mapabagsak ang kakumpetensya nila sa larangan na kanilang pinili.

They are all cold-blooded creatures. They are willing to commit crimes because they have the means to cover them up.

These moronic individuals. Why can't they just focus on becoming better than everyone else in order to progress? kaysa humanap sila ng butas at pabagsakin ang isang pamilya na higit na mas malaki ang pinsala.

People who are ignorant and moronic in their own right.

CLAIREJXSM | 🍁🍁🍁