TW: suicide

ALL I can hear is my father's furious voice directed at me, which makes me nervous. It made me feel like everything I'd ever done was worthless.

I was covering my ears to shield myself from more harm caused by his remarks. I kept shouting 'stop', but it seemed that what my father said stopped my heart.

"Sana hindi na lang kita binihisan at inalagaan. Sana binabayaan na lang kita noon pa. Attending your needs is hard Kairi."

Sana nga. Ayaw ko rin naman mabuhay ng ganito. Pagod na akong intindihin ang sarili ko.

Hindi niya ako inalagaan. All I get was a bare minimum na hanggang ngayon ay ipinagmamakaawa ko pa. Ipinagmamakaawa ko ang dapat na natatanggap ko.

I know that. I knew it from the beginning, but I didn't care about it. Instead, I punished myself for not being able to get what I deserve. I punished myself for not being able to fit into their standard. I punished myself for so long living under the dark when there's a light who's willing to save me.

"Stop it! Watch your word, Asrani! You're hurting Kairi!" my mom hissed.

"I don't care! Hindi na dapat siya ipinanganak kung puro sakit sa ulo lang ang gagawin niya! All she has to do was to be successful para hindi niya na tayo kailanganin pa. 'Yon lang pero hirap na hirap siya. Anong gagawin niya sa buhay niya kung ganon?"

I sneered at that, causing them to stare at me and meet with my emotionless gaze. "Now I understand why I felt like sh*t; it's because my own father wished I hadn't been born. I understand that you don't like me, that you despise me, but I don't understand why you treated me this way! Everything I did to be your 'perfect daughter' was never enough. I am unable to match your expectations. Pero sila Kuya Ace at Ciana malaya silang magawa ang gusto nila. Malaya silang pumili at magkamali pero ako, ako pakiramdam ko isang pagkakamali ko lang wala na ang lahat ng pinaghirapan kong makuha at buuin. Wala na lahat ng pagsusumikap ko para lang mapansin niyo, mo ako. And it hurts me more that you didn't bother to apologize for all the words you hurled at me. It pains me more to believe that you didn't love us equally because you had your favorites and I'm not on the list." I roared kahit pa ang boses ko na ang sumusuko.

My mother gasped at sinubukang lumapit but I take a step backward.

"Do you know how I felt during those past years na ang nasa isip ko ay maging magaling sa lahat pero kahit anong takbo, pagtalon at pag-angat ang gawin ko naroon pa rin ako sa pinaka baba. Pakiramdam ko sa bawat galaw ko ay mas lumulubog ako. You didn't bother to come to my graduation ceremony when I finished college. You were all absent. No one congratulated me when I chose aviation and graduated, yet you came to my brother's graduation and even celebrated it. Do you know how envious I was because I chose to be a pilot over a designer in order to match your lofty ideals that even birds can't reach? I dislike aircraft; in fact, I despise it," puno ng pait na ani ko.

"Yet para mapansin niyo ako I choose it pakiramdam ko kasi noon tama ang desisyon ko pero ang nakuha ko lang galing sa inyo "Sigurado ka ba? Hindi mo kakayanin." do you realize how powerful those words were for me? No! Nobody understands how I really felt. You should've supported me when I felt like I was foolish, and don't have the motivation. Naroon dapat kayo sa tabi ko! No one understands how trapped I feel, and it pains me, even more, to realize that I am drained because of my own family. That the home I was excited to go was slowly being a prison for me.

"Even if I prayed and paved the way, I am still at the bottom, and it appears to be a never-ending cycle of succeeding, failing, falling, and repeat. Keeping the so-called 'ideal image' in order to maintain a good reputation was making me sick countless times kasi pakiramdam ko na doon lang ako makakabawi. Accepting favors from other people and doing it even though I am already drained and yet I still pushed myself kasi 'yon 'yong pinaramdam niyo sa akin e! You have no idea how many times I have been drowned because you always point out my flaws but never acknowledge my assets." puno ng sakit na ani ko halos malasahan ko na ang pait ng mga salitang ibinato ko sa kanila.

I was sobbing hard, while they are left in shock. They are gasping, trying to understand what I just said pero bago pa man sila makapagsalita ay tumakbo na ako at dali-daling pnatakbo ang sasakyan ko ng mabilis, ayaw maabutan kahit na alam ko namang walang hahabol sa akin.

Pagod na akong magpanggap na 'okay lang ako' kahit ako ay naririndi na sa okay na 'yan dahil alam kong hindi. Alam kong walang-wala na ako. Ngayong nailabas ko na siguro naman pwede na diba?

"Captain! Buti naman tumawag ka kumusta? Masaya ba r'yan sa inyo? Merry Christmas nga pala." Sophia's energetic voice was the only thing I heard while I was trying my best to hide my voice, so I coughed first before I spoke.

"Is your brother there?"

"Yes ate, why? Did you guys have a fight? Did he hurt you? Bakit parang iba boses mo?"

"No, just my problem. Can I talk to him? I'll go there. I'm on the way."

"Sure, ate I'll just tell him."

"Thank you, Sophia, Merry Christmas." I then end the call then cry in my car. Again.

My heart felt heavy kanina pa ako umiiyak pero ang sakit sa dibdib ko ay hindi nawawala bagkus ay mas sumisikip at bumibigat pa ito lalo.

"LOVE!" salubong ni Firth pag baba ko pa lang ng sasakyan narito kami sa labas ng bahay nila. "Why are you crying? Something happened?" his hand was touching my cheeks trying to get the tears out pero iniwas at tinabig ko lang ang kamay niya.

How could you act like you didn't do something that would make me question my worth?

"Tell me the truth, please. Did you kiss Katelyn when you were with your friend at the bar?" I questioned directly, staring into his eyes, but he remained quiet, his body reacts differently. He tensed up. Wala pa siyang sagot pero alam ko na. Alam ko na ang sagot.

Ang sakit.

Alam ko na hindi niya kayang magsinungaling sa ganitong bagay. Kaya alam ko kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng reaksyon niya.

I didn't expect nag anito pala ang magiging pasko ko. I didn't expect that I would be this devastated.

"Let's forget about 'us', Firth," I declared emphatically. I refuse to accept anything less.

Cheating will never be forgiven.

"What? No. Let's solve this, hmm? I'm sorry for what I did. I was simply wasted and got lost."

Wala nang aayusin pa Firth. Wala na kasi kahit ako sirang-sira na e.

"No Firth, I trusted you alam mo kung gaano kahirap magtiwala dahil ikaw mismo ay naramdaman at dumaan ro'n and yet despite of all the doubts I felt you never failed to make me feel that I can trust you. Pero Firth iba 'to e. You can't just give your sorry after you cheat. Hindi ganon kadaling magpatawad. I gave you your chance, but you forgot about it the moment you laid your hand at Katelyn." I was sobbing while punching his chest constantly habang siya ay nakayuko at tinatanggap at bawat suntok ko. Paulit-ulit na humihingi ng patawad.

Hindi kasi madaling kalimutan kung paanong ang mga labi niya at kamay ay dumapo kay Katelyn we may not be in an official relationship, but he is pursuing me, which is enough to justify it. He was already committed when he decided to court me.

"I'm sorry, please, please let's fix this. I'm sorry."

Nakaluhod siya at nagmamakaawa sa akin pero wala akong naramdaman ni katiting na awa at pagmamahal. Ang nararamdaman ko lang ay ang pagsakit ng dibdib ko.

I didn't expect us to end like this. Lahat ng plano na binuo ko sa utak ko ay isa-isang gumuho.

As I felt my world slowly crumble, I am already adjusting myself that maybe this would be the last.

"Firth, stand up. We are not in a relationship wala akong pinanghahawakan ang tanging mayroon lang ako ay ang panliligaw mo at siguro tama ang desisyon kong huwag kang sagutin dahil kung naging tayo at nangyari 'to baka hindi lang ito ang matanggap kong sakit mula sa 'yo."

Pagtapos ko sabihin ang mga katagang 'yon ay umalis na ako kahit alam kong hinahabol niya ang sasakyan ko ay hindi na ako lumingon o huminto pa pabalik. We are already done.

I believe in you only get a chance. Kapag pumalpak ka wala na. Isang tyansa at kapag nag kamali ka ay babagsak ka sa matayog mong paglipad. Wala ka nang babalikan pa.

Ang masakit kasi dito nag sorry siya pero hindi niya ako binigyan ng rason kung bakit niya nagawa. Kung bakit niya akong nagawang lokohin. I gave him the trust that I treasured. I don't want to entertain any reasons, dahil kung wala talaga sa isip niya 'yon, kung loyal talaga siya hindi niya gagawing rason ang pagiging lasing niya.

Alcohol will never save you or turn the clock back to fix a broken trust or save you from your reckless behavior. It will never save you.

Mabuti na lang at may kakilala ako sa kabilang airline at napakiusapan na huwag ibibigay ang information ko sa tito ko kaya nakalipad ako patungong Palawan. The waves were the only thing that can be heard outside and inside my house. Nakatingin lang ako sa kisame at walang balak gumalaw. Reminicing, that's all I did during the night hanggang sa sumikat ang araw.

Gigising, tutulala, maliligo, kakain, iiyak, at matutulog. Then repeat. Ganito ang buhay ko sa loob ng mahigit isang lingo. People ask me to attend their welcome party pero hindi ko ito pinaunlakan kahit si Manang Belen ay hindi ko kinakausap o pinapapasok man lang sa bahay ko. My phone can't be tracked and can't receive phone calls since I already break my sim.

BIYERNES ng hapon narito ako sa pampang. Hapon na at papalubog na ang araw. With my brown flowy dress, I decided to go near the sea. Ang bawat paghamaps ng alon at ng hangin ay nagsasabay habang ang kulay ng kalangitan na asul, rosas, kahel at dilaw ay humahalo rin sa kulay ng karagatan. I can't stop myself from looking at it.

It looks beautiful and peaceful.

Ang paglalakad ko ay dahan-dahan lang ito na rin naman na ang huli bakit hindi ko pa sulitin kung anong pakiramdam. Habang papunta ako sa malalim na parte ay siya namang paglakas ng paghampas ng alon na kahit ako ay natatangay pero hindi ako nabahala rito.

I'm more scared that I like the feeling of the wild waves being damped into my skin.

Habang lumalalim ang tubig ay mas lalo akong kumakalma na para bang ang alon at ang tubig dagat lang ang makakapawi at makakapagpagaling ng mga sugat na idinulot sa akin. Na para bang ang karagatan lang ang tanging tahanan na maituturing ko sa oras na ito.

Parang ipinapahiwatig nito na sa karagatan ko lang mararamdaman ang ginhawang inaasam ko.

"Makikita ba nila ako bilang isa sa magandang likha kung matatagpuan nila ang katawan ko rito na nakalutang at ang pulso ay wala na. Will they appreciate me and not blame me if ever I will not be here on earth anymore? Mas makikita ba nila ang halaga ko sa kanila kung saka-sakaling ang makabalik sa kanila ay ang labi kong sumisigaw ng 'tulungan niyo ako'. Tulungan n'yo ako kahit pa huli na. Tulungan niyo akong iangat ang sarili ko kahit pa wala na."

I smiled sincerely for the last time as I felt the salt water enter my lungs and as I struggled to breathe. 'Thank you for being a part of me, and I'm sorry if I can't fight any longer. To myself, I'm sorry that I didn't put you first. I was too busy saving others and meeting the expectations they want that I forgot how to take care and save myself.'

CLAIREJXSM | 🍁🍁🍁