Chapter Eight: Déjà Vu

ANOTHER week passed with me being oblivious to what transpired after the day the Queen of Archery returned to her rightful place— by the side of the King of Spades. Although I am grateful for the peace and solitude I have now, it felt like the whole story about our families' drama, the Mhorfell Academy, and the Council were nothing but a long dream. One that haunted me for so long, but now, I have nothing to prove it ever happened. It's as if everything has been a distant memory, faint and vague. At some point, I was at the center of it, but now, it's like I was never a part of it. Like it's never real at all.

I opened the canned beer as I gazed through the open field, the fizz sound accompanying the wistful hums of OneHeart's Snowfall coming from the radio. "I didn't know falling in love could cause this much butterfly effect," I sighed before taking a short sip and winced at both the taste and cringiness of my words. "I wonder if my mom realized that when she married Clyde Vantress."

A union that no one knew how to define. A fairytale or a tragedy... It seems it's always been Amaluna Brooven's life's underlying mystery.

Lumapat ang inumin sa lalamunan ko't nagdala ng init dito. Kontra rito'y malaya namang pumasok ang malamig na hangin ng hatinggabi at hinalikan ang buong mukha ko. Marahan akong umub-ob sa manibela habang nakatitig sa nagliliwanag na bilugang buwan.

"Peace sounds so boring now..." I mumbled, tapping the canned beer with my index finger as it hung from my grasp. "On the other side, peace sounds like a luxury. There, every day was a fucking challenge of survival that you can't even sleep or breathe comfortably."

Ito ba 'yung sinasabi nilang, hindi mo pahahalagahan ang isang bagay hangga't maranasan mo na mawala 'yon sa 'yo?

I further tilted my head over upon my hands, wondering if the moon would answer my queries. "So this is what an ordinary person feels like, huh? One that is far from the world of mafias and the intrigue of the Underground."

"Arff! Arff!"

Sumilay ang ngiti sa mga labi ko nang ipaalala ni Bean ang presenya niya mula sa passenger seat. Ibinaling ko ang ulo ko sa direksyon niya. "What? Are you saying it's alright because I have you with me?"

As if he understood what I'm saying, he barked one more time, flashing his sparkly big eyes at me and wagging his tail enthusiastically. I can't help but chuckle. "Yeah, I guess you're a good company to take," I told him and I leaned forward so that my forehead could touch his.

Bean whined at the gesture, even rubbing his own little head against mine affectionately. And just like that, a curt smile became wide enough to reach my ears. Kakatwa na sa isang maliit na nilalang na tulad ng aso na ito ko pa mararamdaman ang pakiramdam ng napakikinggan at nauunawaan. Isang sensasyong hindi ko masasabing madalas kong naramdaman mula sa mga taong dating abot-kamay ko lang.

So this is why the world deems your kind a man's best friend, huh?

"I wish Dad allowed me to get a pet like you when I was young. Perhaps I would have turned into a more decent human being if he did." I finally rested my back in my seat. The little guy whimpered in confusion, his ears drooping low. "Kahit kailan, hindi niya kami pinayagan. Kahit si Ate Ashley, hindi umubra. And he hardly says no to anything that my eldest sister wants."

From standing upright, the pup then slouched to the comfortable seat, waiting for me to continue. I let out a bitter smirk as I remember my childhood, which is now more vivid than what happened three months ago.

"You know, I never really blamed my Dad for tainting our childhood just because his was. If you think about it, it's natural for someone like Clyde Vantress to reflect the lessons he got from all his trauma to our upbringing. Nakawala nga siya sa Mhorfell Academy pero hindi nawala ang eskwelahan na 'yon sa kaibuturan niya," ani ko at muling lumagok ng inumin mula sa lata.

No one is perfect--- that I know. Clyde is definitely not a perfect parent, either. I doubt there is even one in this world, though. However, I have to give it to him. He raised his children to be tough because the environment we're in calls for it. If he didn't, I'm sure the sweet, charming child my brother was would never have survived the Academy. And if he wasn't what he was to me before, I'm sure I would never give a damn about turning someone's grand dream into reality. He didn't make us the way we are now for the better, sure. But he did ensure we are ready for the future we'll be facing.

"It's difficult to blame someone who also suffered." Natulala na lang ako sa muling pag-alala kay Dad. May isa akong napansin simula nang naging matahimik ang buhay ko. 'Yon ay mas madalas at malaya na ang pagbisita ng mga bagay-bagay na hindi ko gaano inda noon.

"I hated him for a time, but now?" My forehead creased at the thought, and I shrugged. "All I can think about is how much our relationship would have been way better if only he shared his burden instead of enduring it alone. I wish I could've played basketball with him like a normal father and son would." Alas, regret is called regret because it's something that is way past fixing, and all that remains is grief for not taking the chance when you could and should.

Bean's ears further lowered, and his staring at me silently made me realize that perhaps people could have made better choices if they had this luxury. The luxury of time to think things through. The luxury of having someone listening to you. Luxury of peace to block off all external influences so that they may hear their own thoughts. Many didn't get to have that. I was lucky I do now. It's just that... It felt too late.

"This must be the alcohol talking," I said as I shook my head, using the drink as an excuse for another session of reminiscing. "What's the use of missing someone who was already dead?"

Upang mas makumbinsi ang sarili sa dahilan na ito ay inubos ko ang beer nang isang lagukan. Hinayaan kong malunnod ang samu't saring alaala sa init na dala ng alak. When I was done with it, I put the can atop the bag of groceries we got from the town an hour ago.

"Let's go home?" I tried to put up a smile when I turned to Bean.

The golden guy looked at me curiously. He doesn't seem convinced of my smile and is questioning it.

I extended my right hand to his head, patting it gently. "Ayos lang ako. Tapos naman na 'yon. All we need to do now is to move forward. Literally and figuratively," alo ko sa kaniya na siyang ikinatango nito. He nuzzled at my touch and closed his eyes as he did.

Hindi ko na itinaas ang salamin ng bintana ng kotse nang buhayin kong muli ang makina. Bean enjoyed the cold breeze while being covered by his favorite blue-knitted blanket. I called him a golden burrito before for it, but he'd bite the furniture to retaliate every time I do, so I tend to keep that to myself now that I've learned the hard way.

And while I did say we needed to move forward, I immediately agonized over it when my eyes caught sight of a woman walking across the road just as I was done straightening my burrito's blanket. Rather than a slow motion, it happened so fast that stepping on the brake became a reflex.

Gayunpaman, sa bara-barang paghinto ng sasakyan, a new flash of scenes came in. A set that never once played before after I woke up months ago. Parang bumilis at kumulo ang dugo ko sa bawat ugat sa pangyayaring tila hindi unang beses na naganap. Kay bilis na luminga-linga ng mga mata ko, sinusuri ang paligid na animo'y kinukumpara sa lugar na nadayo ko na. Bukas na kalupaan dito sa probinsiya ngunit naguguhit ko sa harapan ko ang paghinto sa kalagitnaan ng madilim na daan. Napaliligiran ang daan ng mga malalaking puno na walang tinirang espasyo para sa liwanag. Pinalibutan ng mga pamilyar na boses ang mga tainga ko, dahilan upang magpantig ang mga 'to kasabay ng pagratsada ng pintig ng dibdib ko. Mga boses nina Gavin... Zsazsah... Polaris...

"Arff! Arff!"

Malakas akong napasinghap nang mamalayan ang tuloy-tuloy na pagtahol ni Bean para hatakin ako pabalik sa reyalidad. Lumipad ang mga mata ko sa rear-view mirror at napagtanto ang tagaktak ng pawis sa noo ko. Shit. Was that real? Where was I? The Clan of Light members and I... We did go to that bar, didn't we?

"Fuck..." usal ko nang maalala ko ang huling nangyari bago sumilip ang mga kaduda-dudang mga alaala. Dali-dali kong binuksan ang pinto at lumabas.

Gabi na, ah. Paanong may babae pang palaboy-laboy dito sa daan ngayong gabi?!

Unang dumampi ang mga mata ko sa sementadong daan. Good heavens. There's no trace of blood. With this in mind, I didn't delay my steps any longer and went to the front of my car. There, I found a woman lying unconscious, her hair unceremoniously spreaded with several strands covering her face. Napasulyap akong muli sa paligid kung may nakakita o nagmamasid. Nang makuha ko ang kasagutan ay doon lang ako yumuko para aluhin siya sa mga bisig ko.

When I lifted her up effortlessly, the hint of déjà vu struck again. She is hot to the touch that I almost gasp, but amusingly, my skin grazing against hers feels wet and cold. As if between us, there were only raindrops and ice. Buhat nito, hindi ko maialis ang pagtataka kahit nang ipwinesto ko siya sa backseat. Kahit nang bago ako magmanehong muli ay hindi ko pinalampas ang pagbaling sa kaniya bago tuluyang paharurutin ang sasakyan.

Why do I feel like I've met her before?

Bean wondered about our unexpected guest, just like me, ignoring his favorite blanket and deciding to silently watch over the backseat until we arrived at our front yard. Ni hindi ko na alam kung dahil lang ba 'to sa biglaang relapse pero maging ang akto ng aso ko, naging kahina-hinala. He is not exactly friendly with other people, but with this woman who remained unconscious even until I got her out of the car, he seemed observant and protective.

'Geez. Mas dapat kong isipin kung mukha ba akong human trafficker o sexual assailant kaysa kwestiyunin ang sarili kong aso,' napapapikit kong suway sa sarili ko. Kasi kung may nakita akong naka-all black na lalaki na may buhat-buhat na babaeng walang malay papasok sa bahay niya na nakatirik sa gitna ng kawalan, una kong iisipin ay may krimeng nagaganap sa harapan ko.

"Three... two... one... hup." Napaupo na lang ako sa gilid ng kama ko nang maihiga ko ang babae rito. Mahingal-hingal din akong nakahinga nang maluwag. I mean, of course, I'm not exactly the type to work out regularly, but hey, this is second floor!

Mula sa pagkakatingala ay napabaling akong muli sa dalagang nabunggo ko. "Seriously... I wouldn't be forced to call my brother for an accident like this, would I?" bulong ko. Nagulo ko ang buhok ko sa paglalarawan pa lang sa utak ko kung gaanong nakakahiya na tinanggihan kong bumalik tas biglang magpapatulong ako dahil sa katangahan ko sa daan.

I instantly glared at Bean, who I now blamed for being fussy a while ago, and made me take my eyes off the road for a moment. Recognizing the accusation in my eyes, he turned his back on me and went out as if he was saying that I had to deal with my own shit. Yeah, I know. I just need to complain first, okay?

Even so, more shit came earlier than before I could complain.

Because the next thing I knew? I am kissing the woman who never felt so familiar as the moon to me, yet so unfamiliar, like the memories I'm trying to retrieve.

****

"Where are the people?" resumed the little prince at last. 

"It's a little lonely in the desert..." "It is lonely when you're 

among people, too," said the snake."

― The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupéry