Chapter Seven: Flash of Dream and Reality

THE DREAM about the moon has frightened me in ways more than one. Once, it could hardly harm me. It was merely a passing visit to the realm of your unconscious and suppressed fantasies. It was a single drop of water in the ocean. However, when a single drop turns into a gush, the ocean gets filled and starts to spill. The spill would lead to me waking up in the middle of the night when the moon was at its peak, and its light penetrated my room's blinds.

I didn't know a small spill from the realm of my mind could eventually soak every inch of my corner's wallpapers. Soon, the room was filled with the spill. The ocean seeped into my reality, drowning my chances to respite. Every night, as soon as I woke from the dream, I'd sit and hug my knees. I would wonder why dreams are called dreams while unpleasant dreams are called nightmares. It took me a while to come up with an answer.

When I found it, it was the day my brother told me about a girl named Alexandria Cromello.

"Hindi ka nadaan nitong mga nakaraang araw, ha."

Ngumiti ako sa tindera't inabot ang nakatuping singkwenta pesos. "Ah, tinatanghali po kasi ako ng gising," sagot ko at dinampot ang kayumangging balot na naglalaman ng maiinit na pandesal. "Bakit po? May mas gwapo na po bang kayong suki kaysa sa 'kin?"

Bahagya akong ngumuso at pumilitik ng dila. "Mukhang wala na akong ekstrang Spanish bread at putok nito sa meryenda. Hmph."

Sandali akong pinagmasdan ng panadera hanggang sa napahalakhak ito't napailing. "Susmiyo, ilang taon ka na bang bata ka para magtampu-tampuhan?"

"Aling Maya naman e~" sumandal ako sa rehas ng tindahan nito. "Extra po mamaya, ha? Ha? Sige na po~"

"Alam mo talaga gamitin ang mukha mo, ano?" namamanghang komento naman ng babae at saka tinuunan ang kapwa tinderang nakapuwesto sa gilid ng panaderya niya. "Tere, wisikan mo nga 'to ng tubig na may kaliskis ng isda. Habang tumatagal, kumakapal na ang mukha, e."

"Aysus. Para namang matatanggi natin ang sinabi niya," kantiyaw ng kaibigan nito habang naglalapag ng mga tilapia't galunggong. "Totoo naman, gwapo ang batang 'yan. Pagbigyan mo na. Kung wala kang mabibigay na ekstra, bigyan mo na lang ng asawa."

"Ey, si Aling Tere naman. Wala po kong balak," singit ko ngunit pinamewangan lamang ako nito na animo'y desidido na siyang hanapan ako ng makakasama sa buhay at wala na kong magagawa ro'n.

"Ikaw, matanda ka. Huwag ka na mangialam sa gusto no'ng bata!"

"At bakit naman?" nagpunas ng kamay sa suot na apron si Aling Tere. "Aba'y napakagwapo naman nitong batang 'to. Mukha namang may pinag-aralan. May kotse pang gamit papunta rito sa bayan. Asawa't anak na lang ang kulang!"

Pinanood ko namang maningkit ang mga mata ni Aling Maya. "Hoy, Tere. Anong dekada't siglo na! Hindi na uso ang pag-aasawa! Mga isda nga sa dagat natin matumal na, isda pa kaya sa karagatan ng pag-aasawa!"

"E sayang 'yang bata na 'yan. Maganda panigurado ang lahi kung magkakapamilya!"

Lihim akong humagikgik sa alitan ng magkumare. "Hindi mo po sure, Aling Tere."

Sino ba naman ang magkakamaling pumili sa 'kin?

Gawa ng hindi ko rin nais na salubungin ng mga tindera ang iba pa nilang suki ng bangayan nila, nagpaalam na rin ako kasabay ng mga pandesal at ilang isda para sa tanghalian at hapunan ng araw. Kalahating oras ng biyahe ang inaabot sa tuwing dadayo ako sa palengke at isa pang kalahati sa pagbalik. Dalawang kilometro ang layo ng susunod na bahay sa tinitirhan ko kung kaya't wala ring kapitbahay na maituturing. Wala pang isang libo ang mga naninirahan dito sa bayan na siyang inaalala ko kung minsan. 'Pagkat sa isang lugar kung saan iilan lamang ang lumalagi, ang maglaho ay hindi magiging madali.

Itinigil ko ang sasakyan sa harap ng porch ng bahay at saka ipinihit ang susi upang patayin ang makina. Tanggalin ang ugong ng makina ay ang sayawan ng mga puno't halamanan ang maririnig. Ang amoy ng basang lupa mula sa maulang gabi, ang hanging walang bahid ng siyudad, ang paligid na panay berde't tsokolate, at kung minsan, mga huni ng mga ibong napaparaan sa kanilang paglalakbay. Ito na ang nakasanayan. Ito na ang reyalidad ko tatlong buwan na ang nakalilipas.

The second I opened the door to my humble abode, the thuds of his paws on the wooden floor grew louder, and before I knew it, the little thing was all over me again. "Sorry, Bean! You've waited long, haven't you?"

Bean immediately clutched to my right knee with his two legs helping him stand. He whined pitifully as if I had committed the greatest betrayal ever made in history when in reality, I just simply sneaked out with him asleep to get us some food.

"Aww. You know I can't bring you anywhere, don't you?" The golden pup whined with his head down, being the little stubborn creature he has been ever since I started spoiling him. If I'd known, I wouldn't have doted on him too much. But can anyone blame me? Wala naman akong ibang aalagaan dito kundi siya at ang sarili ko.

Inilipat ko ang dalawang plastik ng mga pinamili ko sa kanang kamay upang magamit ang isa sa pagtapik sa ulo niya. "Don't worry, I'll take you for a walk later, hmm? I even put my good looks to use and got you more treats!" pagmamalaki ko pa ngunit nanatiling nakayuko ito.

Was this so hard to handle a living creature before? Oh, right, I didn't handle them. I pushed them away. I manipulated them. I commanded them. That's how I did it back then. It seems even consoling as tiny as he is harder than executing the downfall of an old and powerful council.

Sweating, both from the heat outside and my anxiety about exploring another uncharted territory, I folded my legs and tilted my head to check his expression. "Bean, are you angry at me? Hmm? Forgive me this once, please?" I asked reluctantly.

I wish animals could also speak, but if he would someday, that would definitely horrify me. Plus, being a brilliant manipulator doesn't equate to being a good communicator. I mean, look how I've shoved all my forged relationships to the drainage.

"Bean?"

"Hmph!" He huffed in annoyance and took his paws off me. Bean then strutted away with his head high and not giving me a single glance, guaranteeing I'll be suffering from his tantrums until he got his treats.

Napabuntong-hininga na lang ako at bumalik na sa pagkakatayo. If there's anything I am relieved about living with Bean, it's no matter how we push each other's buttons; we choose to stay here, our home. Our fortress.

"Alright. Have it your way, kid. You won't budge now, but you'll definitely come to my bed to sleep comfortably," I said, shrugging my shoulders. I guess I can't win over him when he's just as stubborn as me. You sure are lucky, lad. I'm the human, so I'd always be the one to raise the white flag.

Pumasok ako sa kusina at ipinatong ang mga pinamili sa counter. Saktong pagtingala ko, napunta ang atensyon ko sa kalendaryong napupuno ng mga pulang marka. Malinaw ang bilang ng mga araw na lumipas pero ang kabuuan ng huling araw ko kasama ang Clan of Light? Napakalabo na para bang kahit kailan ay hindi ko sila nakasama at ang pag-uusap namin ni Polaris upang magparty ay isang panaginip. I tried to chase after the memories that I didn't even know if really existed, but the hunt would always end with me hearing Madam White's heels fading onto the dark background.

I stared at my vague reflection over the kettle's stainless body on the stove. It's just as vague as how I ended up here when the Clan members and I were supposed to spend the night at the bar Sed found. I can't even remember how I ended up in this house's bedroom on the second floor, warmly enveloped by a blanket and being soaked by Bean's drool. I can't even make sense of how a puppy came to live with me in my pathetic, exiled existence.

Sa tuwing bumabalik ako sa problema ng hindi pagkakaalala ng mga nangyari bago ako nagising, hinihiling kong muli na nakakapagsalita si Bean. Gayunpaman, nandoon ang kutob na baka mas ayos nang wala akong nalalaman 'pagkat baka mamantiyahan lang itong ngayong mapayapa at tahimik kong buhay sa gitna ng liblib na kabihasnan. It's what I always wanted. Peace and quiet. Now that I got it, am I going to risk it for a memory that might not be worthy at all?

Umalis ako sa pagkakasandal sa counter nang kumulo na ang tubig na mainit. Pagkatanggal ko ng takure sa kalan ay pinatay ko na rin ang kalan. Pulling my mug containing a 3-in-1 coffee powder, I lifted the kettle to pour the boiling hot water on it.

It's not that it's difficult to conclude what could've been. It's easy to make up a story over what's missing. Perhaps, I drank myself to oblivion, and the Clan decided they no longer needed my alcoholic ass in their place and transported me here once and for all. But that's not the issue.

Kahit ngayon na nagpupuro lang ako ng mainit na tubig, may mga bakas ng mga memoryang sa isang iglap ay nandiyan ngunit sa susunod ay wala na. Tulad na lang ng sensasyon na may nagsasalin ng kulay tansong inumin sa baso ko sa isang madilim subalit napupuno ng mga ilaw na may iba't ibang mga kulay. At bago umabot sa mga labi ng baso ang tubig, ang eksena'y parang isang sirang bumbilyang kukurap-kurap ngunit sa bandang huli'y pundido na.

"Did we even go to that bar? If yes, what happened?" I mumbled as I stirred my coffee slowly with a spoon. "If not, how did the night go?"

Last week, there was another sensation I felt. At that time, I was like this, watching the smoke born from the high temperature of the coffee scatter in the air while the sun's rays penetrated my open kitchen window. My nose recognized a smell far different from the bitter aroma of caffeine. It was intoxicating. It's like something's burning, and my ears can almost hear the crisp of it as someone inhales it repetitively. It was a cigarette.

"No one smokes within the Clan's lands, though..." I exhaled, my chest heaving up and down. "That would mean we went out. Pero bakit wala akong alaala na nakarating kami sa bar?"

At kung hindi pa sapat 'yon para mabagabag ako, puwes may isa pa.

Iniwan ko ang kapeng ni hindi ko pa naiinuman. Kasabay ng isip ko'y nagtungo ang mga paa ko sa hagdan paakyat sa pangalawang palapag. Nakapamulsa ang magkabila kong kamay habang tinatahak ang bawat hakbang, dala-dala ang pasaning kahit ilang beses kong titigan yaong bagay ay hindi ko matututunan ang sagot sa mga katanungan ko.

I stopped at my own room's doorstep. I always left the door open to let myself see it. An object that didn't come here with me. One that wasn't here at all when I first woke up. It appeared one night, and that's it. 

The dreamcatcher hangs over my bed's headboard, innocently witnessing my nights being either sleepless or utterly empty. If this one could talk to me, I would've complained about it having a poor performance on shooing all the nightmares away. Alas, I've kept it for one reason.

Somehow, it's a remembrance I brought along from the world I used to live in. Not a pleasant memorabilia, though. It reminds me that even on the quietest night, the mystery and threats in my life would continue to hang over my head... even when I'm asleep.

***

"A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment

a single man contemplates it, bearing within him

the image of a cathedral."

― The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupery