Chapter Three: Midnight Rain

[Trigger Warning: This chapter may contain text and description tackling the protagonist's suicidal tendencies.]

AS MUCH as it contradicts my mother's memory, deep inside, I personally preferred the day over night, the heat over cold, the warmth over the fresh breeze, and the sunlight over the rain. While the former would remind me of the life I breathe, the latter would always unleash the taste of death. The night gives me nightmares. The cold makes me numb. The fresh breeze inflicts shivers on my spine. And the rain... the rain keeps me from forgetting. It prevents me when all I've wanted all these years is to forget.

At kung titingnan mo nga naman, sa lahat ng araw na puwede akong asarin ng kalangitan, ngayon pa kung kailan ko napiling magliwaliw at kumalimot. "Talk about impeccable timing and all, huh," bulong ko at naiismid na tiningalaan ang kalangitan.

Ayaw mo talaga makisama sa mood ko, ano?

"Magandang gabi, mga ma'am at sir. Saan ho sila?" Napahinto ang grupo namin nang dumako sa 'min ang maliwanag na silay ng ilaw ng flashlight. "Bawal ho rito. Private property po 'to."

Sabay-sabay naming ginamit na panangga ang mga kamay namin mula sa pagkakasilaw. "We know, but we're here to offer the souls' goblet to the Selene," Polaris hissed, sounding like a disturbed predator caught red handed as she's about to devour her prey.

While a grimace takes form on my face, the Clan members, however, turned their heads away as much as possible from the burning warmth of the light, frowning and cursing as fast as the raindrops could land atop our heads. 

Just as the world affirms the co-existence of blessings and curses, the enhanced genetic make-up of the Clan's children also bore sensitivities and anomalies that they claim will remain undeciphered for eternity. They may see what cannot be seen in the dark, but they shall be shoo-ed away by the light as the former has awarded them its mark. And considering we're in uncharted territory, switching these heightened senses off even for a minute could be proven unwise.

"Souls' Goblet?" Agad na tinapos ng nakatagpo sa 'min ang paghihirap ng mga kasamahan ko sa pagpatay sa liwanag. Kaakibat nito ay paglantad ng isang matanda na nakagayak na pang-guwardiya. Kulubot man ang balat nito, kasing talas ng mga nakakubli naming sandata ang mga mata niyang isa-isa kaming sinuri mula ulo hanggang paa. "Pinaglololoko ni'yo ba 'ko?"

Madam White lowered her hand with an obvious show of relief, but also frustration. "We were told she can only be seen and visited when the moon is at its highest."

Masinsinan naming inobserbahan ang palitan ng dalawa, pinakikiramdaman ang kahit pinakamaliit na galaw ng guwardiya at gayon na rin ang kaluskos ng mga puno't halamanan sa kapaligiran. Kung tunay ngang liblib ang bar na nabanggit nila, hindi na kataka-taka kung bakit tila nagmamaang-maangan ang mama. Ngunit gaano ba 'to kaliblib para mangailangan ng handog at koda?

"Mukhang mga dayo kayong naligaw ng daan," mahinahong saad ng guwardiya at ibinulsa ang flashlight nang hindi iniaalis ang tingin sa 'ming lahat. "Marami nang naligaw dito. Ang ilan, may sinundan na sila lamang ang nakakakita. May ibang nagpadala sa likido't hindi na nakabalik pa." Saglit itong napasulyap sa direksyon ko ngunit kalaunan, hinawakan niya ang harap ng sumbrero't magalang na yumuko sa 'kin na animo'y nakikilala niya ko.

Wala akong ibang nagawa kundi ang ibalik lamang ang pagkilala sa pamamagitan ng pagtango, nag-iingat tulad nina Gavin na makagulo sa kung anong negosasyon ang mayroon sa pagitan nina Polaris at ng mamang 'to.

"Hindi naririto si Selene, naiintindihan ba ninyo?" Iniayos na nitong muli ang postura sa pagkakapansin sa paghakbang pasulong ng isa naming kasamahan. "...at gayon na rin kayo."

"Ad libitum (as you wish)," tangong pahayag ni Sed at saka may ipinuslit mula sa panloob ng bulsa ng leather jacket na suot nito. "Wala siya rito at lalong hindi rin kami naparito."

Pinagmasdan ko ang primang kompostura ng matanda. Yumuko ito't tinatanggap ang pangakong kahit anong mangyari ay mananatiling lihim ang kung anong nakatirik sa lupaing ito na binabantayan niya.

"Malugod na tinatanggap ni Selene ang inyong handog at presensya kung ganoon," the man solemnly acknowledged receiving the payment of our entrance. Silence then ensued as if a coin was tossed in the air, making us hold our breaths.

Maging ang mga kuliglig ay tila naghihintay na may lumabas na tinig mula sa aming mga bibig. Ni isa sa 'min ay may intrigang inabangan ang susunod na hakbang upang makalaya sa titig ng mama.

Dumukot ito ng puting panyo mula sa harapang bulsa ng puting uniporme niya. Nang mailadlad ay itinakip niya sa kaniyang dalawang kamay na para bang isa siyang gusgusing hindi karapat-dapat na makahawak ng kung anong iniaabot sa kaniya. "Salamat sa inyong pagtangkilik, mga ginoo at binibini. Nawa'y maibigan ninyo ang pagtanggap ni Selene," ani nito kasabay ang isang malalim na pagyuko.

A soft whirring has soon erupted from the fences nearby. The vines hugging its poles eventually slithered down mechanically, allowing the gates to be shown and divided to grant us an entrance. Sumunod na lumitaw ang parihabang linya sa lupa. Ang lupang pinaligiran nito'y lumubog, humubog ng hagdan, at karagdagang daan. Mga bato't alikabok ay nagsihawi na para bang si Moses ang daraan. Sa dulo nito'y isang pintong gawa sa metal. Sa makalansing na pagbubukas nito'y nakahinga na nang maluwag ang lahat.

"Let's go," alo ni Sed at pinangunahan na ang grupo namin sa pagbagtas ng daan. "The passage will close in three minutes." 

Save for the two who managed the deal, we, the obedient sheep, threw a cautious look at one another. Thanks to our colorful upbringing, we can't really be weirded out any further about the society we live in, but I guess it still could from time to time. This case is proof of that. Regardless, we quietly chose ignorance and without a word being uttered, we paid one last short bow to the guard and followed Sed.

"Hays, mamaya all-out na ulan na 'to. Hindi talaga tayo favorite ni Lord, ano?" Gavin sighed, staring at his laid open palm where a small pool of sky's tears lies. "For an entity that is called the author of His children's lives, He's doing a pretty bad job for us side characters, huh." Bara-bara nitong winisik ang kamay na ikinapilitik ng dila ng pinsan niya.

"Well, for someone who's doing a poor performance, he has a quite solid fandom, if you ask me," Polaris slapped her cousin's hand, wiping the water he recklessly showered on her right cheek. Realizing it was useless as the rain poured stronger, she pushed him out of her way. "The same thing cannot be said about your harem, though."

Successfully overcoming kissing the soil by grabbing Toma, his best friend, he gasped, "And what are you trying to start by mentioning that, sweet cousin?"

"Nothing," kibit-balikat na tugon ng pinsan nito. "Just saying na kung ayaw mong isang araw na magising ka na lang na wala na 'yang nakasabit sa pagitan ng mga hita mo, maybe you should consider toning your whoredom a little."

"Says by the one who came here to whore around..." Gavin shots back, offended.

Gradually, their banter faded in the background as I lag behind our group, still in a trance over the ambiguous exchange between Sed, Polaris, and the guard. Unbothered by the streaming raindrops over my face, I looked back to where we were previously held back, only to find nothing but the forest we went through and the dense fog cradling it.

"Who is that guard, though, Pol?" Kusa na lang na lumabas sa bibig ko ang katanungang bumabagabag sa isip ko.

"Oh, you mean Pilosopo Tasyo?"

"Huh?" I looked at the back of the Clan leader's head in bewilderment.

"Walang nakakaalam talaga sa pangalan niya. Many called him Pilosopo Tasyo because he's cryptic, sometimes ambiguous, and his use of old Tagalog terminology. Most of the time, there's wisdom between his words, but sometimes, they're like gibberish that no one understands."

"He doesn't look like a native, that's for sure," Zsazsah commented casually, keeping a small umbrella close to her figure. "When he spoke English, there's a hint of a foreign accent. Maybe Irish?"

"I agree, but what did you hand over to him, anyway?" Toma asked, both his hands resting behind his head. "Looks to me that it's a single deck card."

Sed shrugged. "It is. It's a deck card with the ace of cups painted on it."

"What's so special about it that he'd warrant us entrance for it?" I can't help but inquire. I would've understood if it was silver, an artifact, or information, but no. The man recognized a certain importance over that card and deemed it worthy of tribute to let us in the property that he denied us previously.

Somehow, I came to disdain this intense curiosity over what seemed to be a trivial matter. I sighed and shook my head quietly. Me and my love for mysteries.

Pol turned to us as she finally got a hold of the door, halting us on our steps as we also wait for her answer. And with a wicked grin, she said, "Secret."

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Exploding tune of KVPV's Shot It rang as soon as we entered the bar which White introduced as 'the Selene.' We were instantly welcomed by the challenge of finding a table good for our number without being tugged to the crowded dance floor or bumping into someone who has full intentions to spend the night in bed and ropes. The whole place is a huge tunnel supposedly to serve as a station for the long rusted train situated at the center. Rusted is not a word to describe the situation inside it, though. Promiscuity and the lush of freedom bloomed within the train where the bar counter is, the exceptionally brighter neon lights there emphasizing it as the place's core. Men in half-face masks and women in black veils can be sighted as far as one's eyes could go, which essentially speaks of how big the tunnel is, too.

Bago pa kami makaabot sa sentro ay isinukbit ni Sed ang isang kalahating maskara sa ulo ko. "Pilosopo Tasyo does appreciate honesty and transparency, but even he could not guarantee your safety if people start to recognize you as the former Judge of the Onyx Council," bulong nito sa may tenga ko bago lumayo't nagsuot ng kaniya.

"I thought this is a neutral territory," I raised an eyebrow as we continue following the others.

My comrade scoffed and did the same. "Mhorfell Academy is a neutral territory, too. Did that stop you from booking it as the venue for the ultimate battle last time?"

Napairap naman ako sa tumutulong sarkastikuhan sa bawat salita nito. "Thanks for reminding me exactly what I came here to forget about."

"You're welcome."

Pagkarating namin sa platform kung saan naroroon ang mga lamesa't upuan ay saktong lumipat na sa kanta ni Halsey na Balenciaga ang tugtugan. Sama-samang naghiyawan ang mga bisita at mas umigting ang giliwan sa paligid ng tren.

"Guys, here!" Zsazsah called us out, showing off the booth she secured for us after smirking at a group of women who we saw leaving with their nostrils flaring.

"She definitely did something, didn't she?" Toma stopped on his track. He sighed whilst following the image of those women shrinking to the other side of the platform. Perhaps, looking for another vacant booth without a hot-blooded witch with peak inhumane senses guarding it.

I patted Toma's shoulder consolingly. "Ang isipin na lang natin may mauupuan na tayo," natatawang payo ko sa kaniya at inunahan na siya magtungo sa booth.

As if to second my advice, You Don't Own Me hit the speakers, throbbing maniacally all over the place. Napabuntong-hininga na lang ito at sinundan ako. "I think I'm going to need a few glasses of Negroni to forget that woman grew up with me under the same roof," he muttered to himself.

Hindi katagalan, ang tugtugang makakapagpaindak maging sa natutulog at tuod kumilos ay napalitan ng mababagal na himno. Marami ang nagsi-alisan sa paligid ng tren ngunit napalitan din ang bilang nila nang magsitayuan naman ang mga bisitang tila hinihintay ang pagbabago ng atmosphere at vibe ng lugar. Isa-isa ring nagsilaho ang mga kasama ko. Kung kanina'y panay tukso si Polaris sa kalandian ng pinsan niya, siya pa mismo ang unang nahatak ng kumpol ng mga babae papunta sa kung saan. Gavin and Toma assumed her absence as signal that they could finally fulfill their destinies. The moment they went straight to the train, they were swarmed by women flaunting their bosoms and fruitful thighs.

"Manwhores," Zsazsah said in disgust, gulping the last of our tequila before standing up and fixing the pleats of her skirt. "I'm going to the comfort room. Guard the fort for me while I'm gone."

"A while, my ass," Sed scrutinized, waving his hand away at her. "For all I know you're going to the comfort room for a different reason."

Despite hearing the accusation, our local kikay just laughed it off and trudged away while her hips swung hard from left to right.

"Kung alam ko lang na magiging babysitter ako ng mga hayop na 'to, hindi na lang sana ako sumama." Kaswal na ipinatong ni Sed ang mga paa sa lamesa, ang isa'y nakapatong sa isa pa. Imbes na alak ay naglabas ito ng kaha ng sigarilyo at humugot ng isa rito.

"You want one?" he offered, extending the box towards me.

"No, thank you."

He smirked. "Looking out for your health, I see."

I lazily cocked my right wrist to swirl my wine and turned to him. "Searching for a faster death, I see."

"Ayaw mo bang sumayaw? Makihalubilo ka rin doon. Baka may matipuhan ka."

Umiling ako at sumipsip na lang sa basong hawak ko. Gayunpaman, agad ko ring nabuga ito sa sumunod na litanya ng natitirang kasama ko.

"Why? Not blonde enough?"

Bago ko pa siya tingnan nang masama, ginatungan pa niya ito. "Hindi ko sure kung may black eye-colored din diyan na nagiging gray kapag nasisinagan ng liwanag, sorry."

"Putangina mo."

"Putangina mo rin," balik nito't bumuga ng usok na hinawi-hawi ko gamit ang libreng kamay ko.

There's no denying that the Selene is indeed impressive. With the masks and veils, everyone is practically equal and the same. No one blabbers about who they are behind the façade, only who they are when the moon rules the skies instead of the sun. The Selene feels like a shelter where each one of us could hide from the heavens that predetermined the settings of the stories we're living now. 

"Fuck..." I groaned, almost banging the glass back to the table. I resent how instead of bestowing me oblivion, the alcohol waters down my walls, making them crumble as time ticks by. 

"Hey," Sed called my attention. "You know what? May elevator doon sa kabilang platform. It'll bring you to the façade building of the property. It's supposed to be the transportation agency's headquarters or something. But now, just like every one of us, it's abandoned." He adorned a bitter smile, his gaze somewhat on a different timeline and a different place that I didn't know about. 

Nang makabawi ito'y tumuon siyang muli sa 'kin, plastering a smug grin on his face to cover the expression he had just a few seconds ago. "It's a secret place of mine when I want to be alone. Walang bumibisita roon liban sa mga guwardiyang nagpapatrol pero mamaya-maya pa 'yon. You can check it out if you want."

Realizing that maybe, Sed simply wants to enjoy solitude peacefully without anyone's supervision, I heaved a sigh and stood up to leave. "Thanks. Magpapahangin muna ko siguro. I'll be back. Two hours tops."

"Tss. Don't bother about the time. Others won't be back until sunrise, bro," he dismissively said.

Arriving at the building Sed mentioned, I could hardly feel the tingle of the vibrations brought by the deafening music back at the bar. A different feeling is building up, however. One that grows in intensity as I climb my way to the top floor. I couldn't care less about the several construction materials that were left behind on every floor, or the lack of rails to hold onto as alcohol creeps on my nerves.  There was an absence of urgency and concern. I could hardly feel any worry should I slip one step or wobble midway. It didn't even matter if I get to reach the top floor, as well. All it mattered at the moment is moving. 

That's right. Moving. Because the second I stop doing so, intrusive thoughts would get the better of me. Not moving would mean I'm utterly lost. I know I am, yet it's hard to accept that I am. As much as Alex's departure gave me more air to breathe, it also left me with the suffocating question of what to do with it. 

Miraculously, I arrived at the destination I intended, now bearing the actual weight of my thoughts and fears. Dinala ako ng mga paa ko sa bukas na balkonahe at doon muling lumapat ang mahina nang mga luha ng kalangitan. Inialis ko ang maskara't balewala itong binitawan, nagnanais na damhin ang pagkakataong hindi ko kailangan magtago sa mundo. 'Pagkat matapos ang ilang araw, aalis na ko sa puder ng Clan of Light at magsisimula na ang parusang pinili ko para sa sarili ko. 

Even though I feel miserable right now, I'm sure my comrades are not any better. They may be nonchalant, but truly, somewhere within themselves, they once wished they could've lived... or even been born to a normal family, to a normal life.

I closed my eyes shut and faced the night sky, convincing myself that these raindrops were gods' way of showing their regret over their amateur writing of our lives. Suddenly, I was irked by a pool of unknown emotions to voice out what I couldn't. Anger, regret, pain... they weaved together into a perfect woolen blanket and enveloped me. And in an instant, words rolled as if they'd been waiting to be said all this time. 

"Lord, bakit naman pinagkaitan mo ng kakayahang magkaanak si Polaris kahit na ba gustong-gusto niyang maipagpatuloy ang linya ng pamilya nila? Bakit hinayaan mong mahuli ng mga Brooven ang mga magulang ni Gavin? Bakit hinayaan mong baliwin nila sila sa puntong mas pinili na lang ni Gavin na ibigay ang kamatayan sa kanila? Bakit—" 

Hinabol ko ang hininga ko. "Bakit..." 

Then, I couldn't continue. 

I knew it was not my place to question what happened to people who are not me. I knew better than anyone that no one is to blame for our tragedies because we define what tragedy is. The only tragedy is the one we deemed it to be. 

Hindi nabura ng tugtog o ng impluwensya ng alak ang katanungan sa isipan ko nitong umaga. Paano na nga ba ko? Could I even remember any dream or purpose before Alexandria? Why didn't I try to think of it for the past years? Why is it that when I finally have all the time in the world, it seems like I also lost all the chances of contemplating what I wanted? 

It'd be a blatant lie if I say I didn't want to go back. I wanted to be home where the memories of my once-happy family reside. I wanted to be a Vantress again because everyone can bet I did everything to earn it despite being born with it. I wanted to be the brother Spade could rely on because growing up, he never really have anyone to lean on. I wanted to be the friend I wished I had been. I wanted to be the uncle that could support his nephews the way Johan Dela Vega did to Alexander, Alexandria, and Axel. I wanted to be like everyone else.

I wanted to, but I couldn't anymore. It's too late to do so, and it's too late to regret it. It's just not right when you're the puzzle that simply not fits the big picture. An outlier.

Invisible strings tugged at my heart in all directions as if taunting it to break. How is it possible that the price of loving someone could be yourself? I guess Alex is right. She really did take everything for me... and I let her willingly. Binuksan ko ang mga mata ko at inabutan ang nagsisimulang paglibot ng mga kidlat sa kalangitan. 

You know, every single painful memory I ever had would consist of the same set of things: the crystal rain, the brooding dark clouds over my head, the roars of thunders, and the flashes of lightning. Just one of these in a dream and I knew it would be a nightmare. And for every wakening moment, as I pant like I've run miles of concrete and sand, I would wish I was an Onyx Blood Disease victim, as well.

"Sana nga nagpa-inject na lang din ako..." Dazed and hopeless over my own misery, I didn't even notice that it was no longer the sky's doing that my cheeks are soaked and cold. It is no longer their tears that trickle but mine. And with that, I laughed loudly to mock destiny itself. 

"I wish Alex didn't come back for me at all. I wish she chose everyone else in the beginning. I wish she never cared for me. I wish she just let me...!" My voice broke with a sob before I could finish a sentence. Even so, it didn't prevent me from finishing it in my mind.

"...I wish she just let me die right there and then."

Alas, after such a long time... after Mom's funeral... 

I finally allowed myself to fall to pieces. 

***

"I remembered the fox. One runs the risk of crying

a bit if one allows oneself to be tamed."

― The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupéry