Chapter Fifteen: Veils and Souls

IT DIDN'T matter whether I was willing to surrender the life I'd borrowed back then or not. All I knew was that somehow, a certain part of me broke free from its box and willed to pull me from Death's grasp. It fought when my body leaned on something otherwise. It pushed through the fog of unconsciousness and made it clear to me that it wasn't it. It wasn't the timing Gavin was talking about earlier.

My first natural reflex led me to try and open my eyes. Ngunit sa bawat pagtatangka, napagtanto kong pilit pinababagsak ng tubig-ulan ang mga nanghihina kong talukap.

'Gods, even the rain don't want me to wake up. Just take me, will you?' I cursed in my mind.

At nang balak kong ilapat ito sa mga salita, doon ako mas tinamaan ng reyalidad. My lips quivered pathetically as I attempt to move them in vain. Even to turn my head to see where I am is nothing but a poor shot. Even if I somehow indeed turn it, the night has already gone deep and the storm has yet to calm. Bawat parte ng katawan ko ay paralisa, sapat na para udyukan ang puso ko na tumibok nang malala sa kaba.

"Fuck! Nasaan na sila?!" rinig kong hiyaw ng isang lalaki. "That damned woman has to pay for what she did to my brother!" Malakas nitong ikinasa ang kung anong armas.

And whatever it is, I figured he's keeping it somewhere close to where I am.

"It's just two people! Paanong natakasan kayo?! Paanong karamihan sa inyo, patay na?!" an obviously irritated mature womanly voice bellowed, easily challenging the roars of thunders. "Useless thugs."

"Ma'am, mawalang galang na po pero naubusan din ako ng tauhan," a man who seemed to be older based on his nasal and croaky intervention. "Isa pa, hindi namin alam na may isa pang hindi nailagay sa libro ng mga bisita ng Selene!"

Pumilitik ng dila ang babae't tila'y dumura. I do not even need to imagine where she could've possibly thrown it toward. Ang alam ko lang, whoever she is, she holds authority over those men outside that no one dares to complain against her.

"Are you hearing yourself, old man?! This is a raid! At the Selene! At the fucking Selene! Do you think there's no risk of raiding a place frequented by Artezia Montelier?! If we are to face those risks, we might as well execute a perfect plan! The plan must not go wrong!" she deliriously tattled.

"P-Pasensya na po!"

"Hanapin niyo 'yung lalaking nakarinig sa inyo! At siguraduhin ninyong madidispatya niyo 'yon kasama ng babaeng nagtakas sa kaniya. Kung hindi..." Hindi nakatakas sa pandinig ko ang sabay-sabay na pagsinghap ng mga taong sa hindi kalayuan. "Kayo ang ibabaon namin sa lupa. Naiintindihan niyo ba?"

Before the people she threatened could even answer, a set of aggressive splashes made it clear that the woman's unhappiness eventually resulted in her walking away. Her getting out of the picture did not help the tension I kept oppressing as I impatiently waited for my senses to come through.

"Aish..." another guy groaned. "That woman is a menace. Then why attack the Selene in the first place?! Akala ba niya siya lang ha-hunting-in ng Montelier na 'yon kapag nakakanta 'yung mga nakatakas?!"

"The Northern Underground is not stable at the moment," his fellow comrade pacified him. "After what happened in the Mhorfell Academy, everything's a mess in the hierarchy. The Vantress Family is doing double time on damage control. Cromellos are keeping other vassals in line in case they think anything funny like rebelling against their in-laws. Dela Vega Mafia associates are being dispatched every day to clean up every trace of the Council."

"And what does that have to do with us?"

"You idiot," a lazy tone joined. "All powers in the North are walking on eggshells towards one another. That Amaluna Brooven, she's good." Several of them chuckled in dismay.

"She knows she can't end the Council on her own in a short period, so she gambled. Dinamay niya ang tatlo sa pinakamakapangyarihang pamilya sa Norte nang sa ganoon ay halos walang masabi ang Tribune. Amaluna married to the Vantress and produced a spawn who'd later screw a Cromello of all people," mapanuring pagtutuloy nito sa kabila nang hindi tumitilang ulan.

"No wonder kung ba't nangyari ang Massacre. That marriage shouldn't have happened."

Hindi ko batid kung dulot ng lamig o takot ngunit hindi ko maikakaila ang pangangatog ng bawat piraso ng balat ko. I was biting my gums as their conversation sunk to my very bones, blinking to every drop of hostility these people have against the clan I belong.

As my senses begin to resume to their functions, I found myself rocking my body to composure as I sat beside a rusted car. Nang may singhap na pupuslit mula sa bibig ko'y isang palad ang pumigil dito.

"Don't," she shushed, shaking her head slowly.

Nanlalaki ang mga mata kong pinagmasdan kung paanong naglakbay ang kaniya sa eksena sa ibang panig ng sasakyan. I saw how she harshly suppressed her chest to heave up and down profusely, her sweat mixing with the rain.

"Hays, itong mga pamilya talaga na 'to," one of those thugs grunted. "Whenever they play mind games and schemes, it's always us the common people who suffer."

"Pero kung hindi sila magkakagulo, wala tayong trabaho. Kaya sige na, lumarga na tayo at hanapin 'yung dalawa. We have to know kung sino sila at kung isa sa kanila 'yung tinago ni Pilosopo Tasyo."

The woman who saved me from falling held her index finger to her lips as those people began to disperse. Rustles were heard from all directions yet we stayed still in our position, holding our breath and looking at each other as if there was a needle ready to pierce our throats if we did otherwise. Clanks resonated in the field as men and women in search marched with their weapons. And in every noise, I come to wonder.

Bakit parang hindi nila kami napapansin gayong kay lapit namin sa kanila?

Habang lumilipas ang mga kamay ng oras, unti-unting nagsisibalikan ang mga kakayanang kanina'y animo'y nawalan ng turnilyo bago ako nawalan ng malay. Ang pagkakatulak sa 'kin nang 'di ko namamalayan, ang kahirapan na mamukhaan ang babaeng nagligtas sa 'kin, ang hindi pagkakapansin ng paglapit ng mga armado sa pinagtataguan ko. Lahat ng 'yon ay gawa ng alak at usok ng sigarilyo ng mga kasamahan ng Clan of Light.

Pero bakit?

Only when my awareness of the situation intensified did I notice another peculiarity with the liquid dropping from forehead to chin. It is warm... and it bears a familiar stench. I wished I didn't let my curiosity win, for there above me, barely lying atop the car's hood was a mutilated man. His right eye was gouged out and blood swarms from its socket. Drool drips from the side of his mouth while his face is turned to our side. The man's lower body hangs against the roof, his nails detached on every toe.

Despite seeing worse, horror boiled in my blood. This is not the fun night we were hoping to have. If they mentioned raid, does that mean —

"Don't," she reminded me again, her hand that was once covering my mouth grabbed my chin. "Just look at me."

"W-What is happening?" I can't help but stutter.

Malaki ang pasasalamat ko na nahihimasmasan na ko pero para akong binugbugbog nang walang laban ngayong napagninilayan ko ang bawat lason sa mga binitawang salita ng mga armado. Lalaki at babae, walang dudang kami ang hinahanap nila. At base sa utos sa kanila, mahalaga na walang matirang bakas ng 'raid.'

"Are we the only ones left?" Nanlalambot kong pangungumpirma, nayuyuko akong napatulala. "Left alive, I mean?"

Para akong nabobo. I knew what raids meant and what they entailed, but at this moment, my mind was rejecting it. Its definition... its consequences. I unconsciously shook my head. "Impossible," I whispered. "That couldn't be."

The feeling I had wished to deteriorate after spending a night of entertainment and fun with my comrades ultimately swelled and grew. Seemingly heavier than ever, my head rose from earth to her.

Inabot ko ang kamay niyang kaaalis lang sa baba ko at mahigpit itong pinisil. "Answer me," I begged. Fuck yes, I did. "Tell me... Tell me those people inside are still alive."

The fear she bore in her bronze eyes for our safety has wavered before a greater fear--- unveiling the truth. It wouldn't take a genius to see through it. Hell, I don't even need to flip it to see what's behind it. Veils are pretty much transparent and eyes are eternally windows of one's soul.

They are dead.

Ang tatlong salita lang na ito ang pumunan sa bawat espasyon ng isipan ko. Ni hindi ko magawang bigkasin dahil kahit alam ko na ang katotohanan, natatakot akong kapag sinabi ko ay papasok sa kokote ko ang mga imahe nila. Nakaratay at walang buhay.

Alas, the mind is a trickster on their own. The idea has spiraled without my consent and the last imagined visual I wished to glance at finally cut the last string of curtain of consciousness in me.

The curtain dropped. Those bloody crimson curtains did. And when they were hoisted again for the next act... I discovered myself standing before the same woman that night. It is still a night reigned by darkness and storm. A corpse loomed nearby and traces of bloodshed are inevitable.

May isang pagkakaiba nga lang.

Noong gabing 'yon, walang katanang pumapagitna sa aming dalawa.

"Ang sabi mo sa 'kin, huwag akong magtanong nang kahit anong may koneksyon sa nakaraan ko. You told me it's the only way for me to enjoy safety, contentment, and freedom," I said, eloquently reciting the very same words she used as I remember them--- just as I remember clearly now what past she was referring to. "Then answer me this once."

Muling nagtambal yaong kidlat at kulog. Subalit hindi ang lupain ang nayanig kundi ang loob ko. 'Pagkat nang mahapyawan ko ang bulto ng babaeng kini-kwestiyon ko, wala ni maliit na bakas ng pagsisisi o pagkataranta ang bumabalot sa kaniya. Wala kahit ngayong naaalala ko na ang naganap sa gabing nagtungo kami sa Selene. Wala kahit na ba naiintindihan ko na kung bakit pamilyar ang presensya niya.

"Simula nang makilala kita sa bayan na 'to hanggang sa nag-usap tayo sa porch, you are so keen to keep me here in isolation," lumunok ako. "Pero bakit nito lang, parang tinutulak mo kong pag-isipang muli ang bumalik? Why did it slip from your own lips that I am needed again by that world for it to be better?"

Sa huling katanungan na 'yon sumilay ang unang kurot ng reaksyon kay Mihrimah. Arogante man siya o hindi sa kakayanan niyang magkubli ng sikreto, marahil ay inakala talaga niyang tanging hangin lamang ang nakarinig sa kaniya. Pag-aakalang maaaring bunga ng nagtatalong kagustuhan niyang manatili ako rito at ng teorya ko--- na may nangyayari sa mundong iniwanan ko at kailangan ako roon ngayon.

"You're not supposed to see this," she exhaled in a shudder. "You're not supposed to remember everything now."

I frowned suspiciously. "Kung ganoon, you probably know how come I have succumbed to memory loss. Zsazsah poured something on that whiskey to paralyze my senses. Sed smoked a cigarette that could affect the judgment of those who'd inhale it, making my reflexes numb. But you..." I stepped forward as I connected the dots rapidly in my mind.

Nang mawalan ako ulit ng malay sa pagkakarinig ng kamatayan ng mga kasamahan ko, anong nangyari pagkatapos?

"Please..." Mihrimah pleaded with difficulty, her grip around the blade's hilt going tighter. "Just forget I asked that. Nothing's going on."

"Did you inject something into me after I passed out? You know, to induce memory loss?" Hindi ko hinayaang maging hadlang ang patalim para makalapit sa kaniya. She wouldn't hurt me. Even if I'm starting to question every deed she did for me, I couldn't possibly enumerate every chance she could've taken to kill me, and every time she refused to entertain it.

Napasinghap siya't napakagat sa ibaba niyang labi. "Huwag kang lumapit, masasaktan ka lang."

"Kung gusto mo kong saktan, hindi mo dapat ako sinalo mula sa pagkakahulog sa gusaling 'yon," nagtitimpi kong kontra. "Kung gusto mo kong mamatay, kayang-kaya mo kong pabayaan at ibigay sa mga armadong naghahanap sa 'kin noong gabing 'yon."

Kalaunan, huminto ako nang dumampi sa suot kong t-shirt ang dulo ng katana. Kahit ang kaunting pagsandal papaharap ay tiyak kong magluluwal ng dugo mula sa sarili kong balat. Regardless, I hammered my attention to her. There are no whiskey, cigarette, or a fucking medication to stop me now. I would not shy away from answers this time. Not anymore. I tried it once and it only gave me nothing but madness.

If it means putting my foot within that world again then, hell be with it. It's not like I'm going anywhere from the grave I've already dug myself.

"What? Cat got your tongue?" I mocked.

"No," the signature rasp on her voice revived.

My forehead creased when her line of sight wavered to my back. And here I thought nothing would come to hinder us now.

"An assassin to kill us did," she exclaimed fiercely.

Mabilis akong pumaikot nang sa ganoon ay maibaon niya sa iba ang mapait na kasapitan na dala ng katana niya. Gayunpaman, sa paglihis ko'y napagtanto ko ring hindi lang ako, si Mihrimah, ang bangkay na natagpuan ko sa pasilyo, at ang taong kakikitil niya lang ang naririto sa pamamahay ko.

\"Please tell me you brought that extra sword for me," sumulyap ako kay Mihri na walang oras na sinayang at sinukbit ang isa pang katana sa kaliwa kong kamay.

The hand she used lingered atop and squeezed it firmly, letting me know that this time around, she wouldn't be leaving just before the dawn breaks.

"I did," she confirmed, adorning a smile at the same second the next flash of lightning struck.

"Let's test it then."

****

"I am who I am and I have the need to be."

—The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupéry