Chapter Eleven: Questionable Decisions

SA TUWING may punto ng kasaysayan na hindi dapat makalimutan o hindi kaya'y sobrang mahalaga upang 'di ipagpaalam, may pangalan na rito'y ibabansag. Detalye ay malalampasan, mga pangalan na ni sa nitso ay 'di maikaskas, mga aksyong wala ninuman ang nakaaalam kung sino ang lumikha, ngunit may isa, dalawa, tatlong pariralang bubuod sa isang komplikadong kaganapan.

It sounded so cruel and unfair---to sum up any event, may it be a celebration or tragedy, to a short phrase anyone can throw anywhere anytime like a spit. To reduce every tear, smile, blood, and sweat to mere words is no different from caging the truth behind every drop of it.

That day was neither a celebration everyone must commemorate nor a tragedy one must remember to thread life with wisdom and tranquility. And yet, the whole Underground deemed it in need of a name regardless – a vague one at that, which only adds insult to injury. Ah, yes, they called it the Massacre.

Mahinahon akong tumayo sa pagkakasandal sa counter nang sumipol ang takure sa stove. Matapos kong magising mula sa panaginip na 'yon, hindi na matanggal sa 'kin ang pakiramdam ng tila pagkalutang sa ere. 'Yung para bang 'di matatanggihan ng katawan kong magpatangay sa hangin kung iihip ito.

Ipinihit ko ang switch ng stove at inialis ang takure upang ilipat sa nakahandang sapin. Nang mailapat ito nang may kalansing, abang napatingin na lamang ako sa metal na katawan nito. "Kung may makakapagsabi lang sana sa 'kin kung totoo ang napanaginipan ko o hindi," mapait kong ismid.

'Pagkat wala sinuman sa Underground ang magtatangkang igiit na nalalaman nila ang tunay na buong nangyari.

"If only..." I repeated, hopelessly.

Every creature of the mafia world has heard the story, but no one has ever known what happened. Not even me. Not even Alexandria. Not even Spade. Those who might have known what transpired are either tight-lipped or long cold six feet under the ground. It was a tragedy left undocumented in fear of the curse that was said to reach the mouths that would spread lies about it, but I knew better.

The incident was our family's very own Pandora's Box. Our legacy to protect and our humiliation to bear.

Hinila ko ang dalawang tenga ng baso habang ang isip ko'y hila-hila ng samu't saring misteryo. "Strange," I sighed, lifting the kettle to pour boiling water to each mug. "It's been decades... pero ngayon ko lang napanaginipan si Ate."

Katulad ng pagpuro ng mainit na tubig, mula sa loob ko'y pumuro ng panghihinayang. May kung anong pagsisisi ang namuo sa dibdib ko sa pagkakatantong sa buong buhay ko ay bilang lang sa mga daliri ang mga pagkakataong sumagi siya sa isipan ko.

"If only you survived..." I mumbled. "Many things wouldn't have happened as they did." Growing up, Ate Ashley is... was never particularly close to any of us. She was hardly present in our lives even with her short stay with the living, yet her death ultimately granted us the lives we have to suffer from until our last breath.

Ang Ashley Lorraine na natatandaan ko ay hinulma sa imahe ng isang perpektong tagapagmana. Siya ang resulta ng pag-eeksperimento upang makalikha ng isang Brooven na tapat at may integridad at isang Vantress na walang pagdududa sa kaniyang abilidad. Lahat ng katangiang makalulunod sa kapaitan dala ng bawat epilyido, kay Ate nila pinuro. Sa pagtitimpla sa kaniya, may pulbos ng kapeng barako bilang tapang at tibay laban sa mga kaaway, may isang kutsaritang krema upang maging patas at may paninindigan, at higit sa lahat, may kakarampot na asukal na siyang banaag sa ngiti niya't pang-uunawa sa kapwa. Siya ang hindi mapipintasang kape na kahit lumamig man kalaunan ay hinihiling pa ng marami na mabantuang ng mainit na tubig upang maranasang muli.

Inilapag ko na ang takure pabalik at saka pinagmasdan ang repleksyon ko sa kapeng katitimpla lang. "Sa hinaba-haba ng panahon, ba't ngayon ka pa nagpakita sa panaginip ko, Ate? Kung totoo ang alaala na 'yon, bakit wala kang pagpapaalalang iniwan bago ka namayapa? Kung hindi 'yon kathang-isip lamang, ba't ngayon ko pa 'to nagunita kung kailan iniwan ko na ang mundong kinagisnan nating lahat?"

I wonder if Spade did question his own reflection on every cup of coffee he gave away during our sister's funeral like I am doing now. Did he ever have that wishful thinking of seeing her reflection even for a second and begging her to come back and relieve him of all the burdens she left?

One thing is certain, though. Spade never really mourned the loss of our elder sister. Not once. The whole crusade to bring justice to her name all these years is a façade he created to mourn himself.

"And from the sugar you had, comes Alexandria who became the ice to his hot," I stated almost absentmindedly, staring still at the bronze drink.

"Kaya ba today?"

My head immediately turned when that woman's voice managed to pierce through from the front porch... and the bubbles of my thoughts. "May utusan ka?" sarkastiko kong balik at napapailing na dinulutan ng kutsarita ang bawat baso.

"Kape lang titimplahin mo, Hindi lason, monsieur," she replied with impressive control of switching her accent from a natural Filipino's to a French's. Alas, I could not say the same with how she could easily put the word 'annoying' to shame with her mouth.

Unwilling to back down, I eventually grinned as I stirred both mugs. "Oh? Then you won't mind if poison is what I make?"

"Oh?" the woman imitated my tone mockingly. "If that would be faster than you reaching an orgasm, I guess I won't."

"Language, please!" Mahabaging Maria. I should've known with how she answered me the night I found her. Hindi talaga siya papatalo sa sagutan.

With my apparent embarrassment over my response, I swear I wished the loud wheezing at cackling were from a crazed possessed doll instead of that woman. It was only when I joined her on the porch that she tearfully tried to compose herself.

"Hmm, so you're the type of guy who's a fantastic performer in bed but is shy to talk about the act outside the room," she commented with a frown, clearly holding back another wave of laughter.

"I'm glad I amused you," I huffed and extended her long-awaited cup of coffee.

"Aww." She scoffed as she took it. "Nang-aasar lang naman ako. Look at your face. One look and anyone would guess that you grew up with a silver spoon and a knack for people pleasing."

I was left staring at her knowing she just poked two of my insecurities in life. And there she goes, sitting so ever calmly on a rocking chair, bundled with a blanket and two pillows while blowing the visible smoke coming from the cup as if she didn't.

"Tsk, how come you're here, anyway?" Paglilihis ko ng usapan at baka hindi umubra ang kaban ng pasensyang meron ako ngayong araw kung kakagatin ko ang pang-aasar niya. "Never met anyone who would voluntarily come back to their one-night stand."

Bumuntong-hininga ako't dinayo na ang lounger na katabi ng upuan niya. I took my time getting settled as I knew I had all the time in the world now to be comfortable at any moment. It's just that... while I am doing so, she has kept her eyes on me silently, almost like memorizing my every move. Imagining it – even without actually confirming she does – showered tingles all over my skin.

"I'm glad I did, though," she said without a twinge of taunting. "I'm glad I found you at the moment I did."

Hindi man namamalayan, nabanat ang mga labi ko sa isang ngiti nang marinig 'yon. Bahagya kong iniangat ang ulo ko at tahimik na pinagmasdan ang malawak na lupain na ngayo'y saksi ng paglubog ng araw at pag-akyat ng buwan. 

"Ako rin," taimting kong ani. "I'm glad you found me that moment you did."

Peace soon ensued with us simply looking beyond the horizon. We'd watched the momentary rosy glow drench the clouds before it transcended to the shade of orange. We held on to our mugs, feeling their warmth as the breeze reigning over the isolated town began to creep. We sipped our coffee quietly, keeping our questions aside until the moon shone upon us again. And when the second arrived, she put her mug down on the wooden floor while my breath dropped on the same floor.

"How long has it been going?"

"Huh?"

"Those nightmares."

I felt like I was suddenly thrown in a loop. "Does it even matter?" I tried to deliver it as casually as possible. "I did what I could to stop it, but it just won't. If nothing worked before, there's hardly any chance that there's a cure today."

Fearing what facial expression she would show and whatever message it could mean, I didn't dare turn my head to where she was. "Hindi naman ako araw-araw binabangungot. It just so happened you were there when it happened," dagdag ko.

Never once was I able to share my nightmares with anyone after my mother's death. There was simply no one to talk to, anyway. At ngayon na nabanggit ito sa usapan sa unang pagkakataon, it felt weird. It wasn't intoxicating either. Rather, I find the 'anti-climactic' as more fitting. It's like you've been waiting for years for someone to find you when truthfully, you're just right under their noses. And when someone finally did, the feeling of thrill and joy had long faded.

"Liar."

Kusang humigpit ang kapit ko sa baso.

"You've been waking up in the middle of the night every time," she said without any drop of doubt. "You've been having those nightmares every day."

My heart followed my breath onto the floor. "What... How could you—" Traces of what she said the first night we met flashed in my mind, and I was about to turn to her when I realized her arms had already circled my waist; the rocking chair left moving with her sudden approach.

"I won't ask anymore if you don't want to," aniya at saka ibinuro ang ulo niya sa tagiliran ko habang nakasalampak sa sahig ang mga binti. Once again, the fragrance of rainforest lingered on my nose, and her charcoal hair splattered over my white blanket. "I won't, but you have to promise you won't be asking anything about me, as well, in exchange."

Promise. Is that the word of the week? "Is that a threat?" tukso ko sa kabila ng katotohanang hindi sapat ang mapayapang usapan na 'to para baliktarin ang sitwasyon.

She most likely knows me but doesn't want me to know her. She knows I bear no intention to harm anyone but I don't know if she does. Anyone but her knows my petty existence here and I don't have anything on her to confidently say she would never open that pretty mouth of hers to those who seek the identity I shredded just recently. She knows too much and that's something one must fear, especially if they are a fugitive on the loose like me.

"You're right..." I put my mug down, deciding to willingly succumb to the threat. "It haunts me ever since my mother died. Everyone moved on, yet here I am, reliving the past every night even if I don't want to."

Ni hindi ko nga rin maintindihan kung paano namin nagagawang makalapit sa isa't isa nang hindi nakararamdam ng kahit anong pangamba liban sa duda ng lohika ng utak naming dalawa.

My hand landed on her shoulder and then on her nape. "Now, won't you do your end of the deal? Tell me who you are."

I could've grabbed her neck right now and strangled her before she could lift her face again from my lap. That would end everything in one swift move. It would save me from these mind games and curiosity as to why I can't seem to push her away. Alas, who would sleep with someone they are suspicious of in the first place? I have already gone and made a questionable decision. Why would a second matter now?

"Bakit mo ko binabantayan? If you do, why did you show up in front of me? Is it to warn me? I swear, I did not come here to bring disaster to anyone..."

"Shhh, I know," she looked up with a curt smile, her chin being slightly squished as she hugged my waist. "Believe me, I know that more than anyone else in this town. You wouldn't do that even if you could. I just..."

I gulped at how she shamelessly stared at me with those moonlit eyes. It doesn't take a genius or an expensive education to comprehend that she wasn't looking at me like prey, but an artwork on display. I, for once, looked at someone with the same intention and intensity. I couldn't mistake something that I have been doing until recently.

But the question is, why? Why does she look at me like that?

"Mihrimah," she whispered. "That is my name. It means moon of suns."

Getting to fill at least one of the many blanks she presented, I found myself somewhat relieved. It is easier to dissect an enigma when it bears a name. "Glad that I now have a name for the police report," I smirked. "The town should be aware of a perverted wandering stalker."

Sa pagkakadikit ng katawan naming dalawa, dama ko maging ang paunang singhap niya hanggang sa maging hagikgik ito. "Always a pleasure to help," she snuggled to me closer. "Lucky for you, ikaw lang ang sinusundan ng magandang stalker na 'to."

"Please. Sabi nga nila, iba-iba ang beauty standards sa bawat bansa."

Napahiwalay naman ito sa 'kin at napaigtad na lang ako nang nagliliyab na dumapo ang palad niya sa braso ko. "Hoy! 'Yang bibig mo!" she hissed.

"Ano?" I challenged as soon as I turned to her. "What about my mouth?"

Thinking she has another smart response to not just turn the tables but to beat me with them like she's been doing so far, I already prepared myself to shoot back. Unfortunately, my efforts were in vain when I noticed flushes of red covered her cheeks. For a second, I wondered what could've possibly caused her to learn shame out of the blue until Bean's whining from the inside saved me from spouting an idiotic question.

Tanga ka talaga, Sean.

"I... uhm... I'll go keep Bean entertained," Mihrimah coughed. "You go do dinner."

At bago pa man ako makasagot ay dali-dali na siyang tumayo at hinablot ang seradura ng pinto. Subalit bago pa man niya ito buksan ay binalingan niya kong muli. "Wala rin akong balak na masama sa 'yo. If anything, I just want you here in this town safe, contented, and free from any worry from your past," she pressed her lips with conviction.

'Safe, contented, and free,' I sneered inwardly. You seem to really know me better than I do you, Mihrimah.

I still don't know how much she knows about me or how she does, but after growing up surrounded by deception and manipulation, I can recognize sincerity when I see one. For now, all I can do is go along the current and see where it will take me. There are always rocks to grab onto if I choose to stop.

"Sean. I don't know its meaning but I'm sure I share the same name with over a thousand people in the world," I playfully shrugged.

Mihrimah chuckled, her eyes narrowing with delight before she turned her back and opened the door to go inside.

I remained pathetically staring at the door for a minute even after it closed before I slapped my own mouth. "Geez. Of all things, Sean Kyle. You really just have to ruin the moment, don't you?"

'Di kalaunan ay sinimulan ko nang ligpitin ang mga unan at kumot dito sa labas. Sa kalagitnaan ng pagtutupi'y nakapa ng libre kong kamay ang brasong nahampas ni Mihrimah. It's not that I am thinking that she left a mark or I am starting to get a new kink, okay? It's just...

"Namimilosopo pa, namimilosopo pa!"

Napaupo ako kaagad sa lounger nang umatakeng ang pamumugto sa sentido ko. Pamumugtong palagiang dala ng mga alaalang kay ilap sa tuwing hinahanap ko, subalit lumilitaw kung kailan sila ang huling kailangan ko.

I kept my head low, shaking my head slowly as I took it in. I already had enough for the day with that nightmare. Bakit ngayon pa? Ugh.

Tila sirang plakang umulit-ulit sa ulo ko ang boses ng isang babae. Sa bawat pag-ulit, mas nagiging pamilyar din ang sensasyon ng pagdapo ng palad niya sa balat ko tulad ng naramdaman ko kanina kay Mihrimah.

I resorted to breathing exercises in hopes that the pain would fade in time. And it did, thankfully. However, just as the same phrase deteriorates, a new one comes in and instantly suggests I have gone and done something that could easily top my list of questionable decisions.

"Sino ba kasing nagsabi sa 'yong tumalon ka mula sa tuktok ng gusali, ha?"

****

"I remembered the fox. One runs the risk

of crying a bit if one allows oneself to be tamed."

― The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupéry